Getting ready to move forward

[petri]

Sandi: nice to get your feedback and guidance. To jump ahead of things in Finlad we don't have good MC. Not that I've heard of. But we'll tackle that if and when it's time for it. I feel like Michael Corleone in Godfather 3 with W. "I try to get out and they pull me back in"

V: thank you. The blowing up the family thing. She hasn't shown much guilt for that. And I do think it's a big deal for her to admit it.

We had a R related text convo last night. She iniated. I'll post about it a bit later. Now off to work.

[petri]

So she was drinking last night. And long story short. She was sorry for doing this. There is some part of her that would like to give M another chance but she is afraid that everything will be the same. She said she felt like she was nothing to me, just some mass. She felt like she wasn't loved.

Today we were supposed to start cleaning the house. She was too hungover to do anything. But the general feeling was more light not pressuring. She made eyecontact a lot, looked at me when I was doing puzzle with D7 and even smiled.

I don't know if any of this means anything. But it was nice.

[sandi2]

To jump ahead of things in Finlad we don't have good MC. Not that I've heard of. But we'll tackle that if and when it's time for it.

Then you could order tapes or books from a well know author (Like Gottman, for example) who teaches healing after an affair. Of course, it would take discipline and it is harder to do as a couple, but don't go to a bad counselor. My H would not go to MC with me, but he would use a book. We would go a chapter every night and then discuss it. Not as good as having a professional dealing directly with you.....but better than nothing.

You have to enforce boundaries when you have a WW. You just have to do it, or they learn nothing and repeat the bad behavior. Even after reconciliation, you have to hold her feet to the fire, or she will disrespect you. The key is to not let her slide by one time....then, twice, then three times.....etc.

She was sorry for doing this. There is some part of her that would like to give M another chance but she is afraid that everything will be the same.

Did you quizz her about it, or did she volunteer this information? I would not sink too much in expectations in words that come from drinking. Remember, the way to know she is being real is when her words, attitude and actions are parallel.

You'll know you have made a lot of progress in yourself, when you stop wondering if it means anything, and just accept the nicer times for what they genuinely are.........nice.

I'm not trying to pull you down, I am trying to prevent you from having expectations from a conversation while she was drinking..........or even not drinking, for that matter. Words, although appreciated, are very cheap.

[petri]

I appreciate your honesty sandi. Your posts keep my feet on the ground.

[petri]

W started R talk again. The feeling has always been away, no passion ever. I asked her that if there has been no feeling or pssion why has she been with me for almost 14 years. No clear answer. I asked if she wanted to do some work for the MR. She said it's hard now. I asked why. She replied "it just is". Then I asked what is she really afraid of. Convo stopped there without an answer.

[winner]

How far are you into the D process? Has she mentioned anything about placing it on hold?

[petri]

She has filed. In Finland we have 6 months consideration time. After that final D can be filed. Final D has to be filed with in a year. She said that she wants her own apartment and her own new life.

[petri]

OM confirmed by W.

[petri]

Is this all wayward? Telling that she has been thinking if we should get back together and then informing me that there is an OM. Rude is a mild word to use here.

[petri]

W said she is not looking for a relationship and is just seeing this guy. He is a f-buddy. That is a sign that she really is what she was before we met.