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What I did next. I apologised. What she wrote next blow me away. W: I can't take this guilt anymore.
M: Can you tell me where this guilt comes from?
W: Me hurting you. I'm a bad person and a bad mom. Pete, I screamed here on new years eve. Screamed and cried on the floor. It's not easy for me.
I felt apart completely when I came here for a thermometer and medicine. Although I want this, it's not easy for me. It's hurting me too.
M: I undestand this is not easy for you. Do you have anyone to talk to? Can ypu talk to anyone?
W: Yes I have and I can.


Me:39 W:36
S:12 D:9
T:14 M:11
Separation:sep. 1 2017
D filed oct. 2017
D finalized july 2018
OM confirmed feb 2018
D finalized July 2018

The fact is this. You have to be in pain before you can learn.
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What blew you away about it? Why did you apologize? You meant it right?

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petri Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: LH19
What blew you away about it? Why did you apologize? You meant it right?


The thought that she might actually see that she is hurting us. She really hasn't showed that. It's been all about her.
I apologized because I reacted. I should not have reacted. It wasn't about boundaries or anything. Just a stupid and childish reaction. And yes I meant it.


Me:39 W:36
S:12 D:9
T:14 M:11
Separation:sep. 1 2017
D filed oct. 2017
D finalized july 2018
OM confirmed feb 2018
D finalized July 2018

The fact is this. You have to be in pain before you can learn.
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Look man AS writes about this all the time, of course she feels guilty she is blowing up your family. Any normal human being would. Don't confuse that with remorse. Do you understand the difference.

You guys are separated and what she does that isn't endangering your kids is none of your fuching business. The best thing for you is to start getting out and moving forward with your life like she's doing.

You shouldn't have said what you said but never apologize for something that you meant.

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petri Offline OP
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I know it's not remorse. What I mean is the fact that the guilt has been about her. This is the first time she said something that wasn't about her.

That is what I meant with reacting. It's not my business and I know it. And I've been moving forward. I just don't hit the bars when I'm with the kids.

I thought you were talking about the apology if I meant it. Like I said. I reacted thus it was not meant. So apology was in order.


Me:39 W:36
S:12 D:9
T:14 M:11
Separation:sep. 1 2017
D filed oct. 2017
D finalized july 2018
OM confirmed feb 2018
D finalized July 2018

The fact is this. You have to be in pain before you can learn.
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petri Offline OP
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"True remorse is never just regret over consequence; it is regret over motive." Mignon McLaughlin


Me:39 W:36
S:12 D:9
T:14 M:11
Separation:sep. 1 2017
D filed oct. 2017
D finalized july 2018
OM confirmed feb 2018
D finalized July 2018

The fact is this. You have to be in pain before you can learn.
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Posts: 613
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petri Offline OP
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One thing that amused me about Ws outburst last night was the language. Since we are in Finland naturally we text in finnish. But W threw some nice english sentences here and there i.e. "what's the f-ing problem", "end of story". You could expect that from a teen, but from a 35 year old... shocked


Me:39 W:36
S:12 D:9
T:14 M:11
Separation:sep. 1 2017
D filed oct. 2017
D finalized july 2018
OM confirmed feb 2018
D finalized July 2018

The fact is this. You have to be in pain before you can learn.
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Quote:
You could expect that from a teen, but from a 35 year old...


In many ways, she is like a teenager. It would be much better for you if you could stop analyzing everything she says and letting it mess with you. There is one expectation you can have about her........she will not seem like a normal 35 year old woman as long as she is in this mindset. Whenever the two of you interact, just prepare yourself to hear something that seems completely juvenile, illogical, or insane. If you will stop expecting her to be "normal", then maybe, these experiences will become easier to dismiss.

Also, Petri, be prepared for her to have another bout of "not sure of what she wants". Although she has said she "wants this", the more reality begins to bite her in the a$$, the more concerned she will be for her own security. Apparently, she still thought the lifestyle she had become accustomed to would continue after the D.......even thinking you would pay alimony. If she believes you can provide better financial security........she just might have a week moment and temp check to see if you would put the D on hold. However, if she made that move, it would be another deed motivated from concern for herself......rather than love. If and when she comes through this later, and if she hasn't remarried and you haven't either........who knows. She might come to her senses and seek you out, humbly ask for your forgiveness and express her sincere remorse for the destruction and pain that she caused. But if that ever happens, and if she wants to try again.......don't take her back too quickly and too easily. Couples need a good MC the second time around.

She still turns to you when she is upset, and she takes it out on you many times. This is due to her resentment and b/c she has not completely let go of those actions that came within the relationship with you. Does that make sense? In other words, it's a habit or behavior pattern that was developed during the MR. It's similar to losing a close loved one in death, and some days later you catch yourself picking up the phone to call them. It really has not sunk in to her head that you are not going to be in her life.......apart from co-parenting the kids.

If you have decided you cannot emotionally endure her anymore, then don't react to things she says. Try your best to act as if you are just an observer who is emotionally detached from her drama. Don't take anything personally, blame yourself, or get upset by her words. It is a coping technique that works for many people who want to protect themselves from the aftermath of the breakup.

Hope things get better for you real soon.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Look man AS writes about this all the time, of course she feels guilty she is blowing up your family.

Mind reading. Just because you would LH that doesn't mean a wayward will.

Any normal human being would.

There is nothing 'normal' about waywardness.
Whatever normal is.



Don't confuse that with remorse. Do you understand the difference.

This is far from remorse!

You guys are separated and what she does that isn't endangering your kids is none of your fuching business. The best thing for you is to start getting out and moving forward with your life like she's doing.

Well not as she is doing exactly. But concentrating on self is great.

You shouldn't have said what you said but never apologize for something that you meant.

I agree, partly. If you speak the truth there is no requirement to apologise. However if the delivery is appalling the message isn't received anyway and this will backfire big time. So apologise for the delivery not the meaning.

My views

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Originally Posted By: Sandi2
She might come to her senses and seek you out, humbly ask for your forgiveness and express her sincere remorse for the destruction and pain that she caused

Sandi,
Is this your experience, since you joined this site, that they humbly ask for forgiveness etc if they come back?

I thought women never came "crawling" back?

Sorry for the hijack petri wink


M:46 WXW:40
T:20 M:13
D3,D8,D10
BD:11/12/16
D:12/14/16
OM confirmed 01/20/17
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