I'm glad your daughter had a nice wedding. Having mamrried my two off in the last three years, I know that must be a relief for you and some special memories that you all will share forever.
That's a good speech. You need to stop sleeping on an air mattress, on the floor, in a spare bedroom however. Not only is it not fair to you, but it doesn't match the strength and resolve of the speech message.
Put more simply, she's not going to take a man seriously who is sleeping on an air mattress!
I agree with Starsky! I think you should treat yourself to a nice new bed. If you're going to be in the spare room, you might as well be comfortable.
Just FYI, NH115 is getting to the point where he is going to leave - and no longer waiting around in the hope his W may come around. You may find it helpful to read his recent posts.
Also, in practice - what is your plan if your W isn't interested in working on the M. Is she going to move out? Are you going to move on/out? I think it is worth having your own vision of the life you want for yourself if she decides she isn't coming along for the ride.
Good luck with things x
Last edited by Toots; 07/17/1502:31 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Many LBS have moved out of their house. Lo and behold! Their WASes comes running back and wanting to get back together. Below are recent case examples:
HP (Hercule Poirot) GoFo CaliGuy Kramer Squiggy
Common theme? They moved out of the house and got on with their lives. Then their WAW realizes, "oh chit, I have lost H!" and come running back to the LBS.
You have NOTHING to lose by moving out...for real. Your W doesn't feel that she's losing you because YOU are always there...faithfully waiting for her to make her decision.
F@ck that! You take back your true power and make the decision yourself by moving out.
Wonka is right, Peter. The problem with "grand pronouncements" about "moving on" is that the very pronouncement itself indicates that you're NOT moving on. It comes across like you're trying to get some sort of reaction out of her, and trying to get her to stay.
I think it would be much better, considering just HOW far along you are in your sitch -- and considering you totally lived up to your end of the bargain in waiting for after your stepdaughter's wedding -- to merely just let her know you've got a place, and you're moving out on the 30th (or whatever). At MOST just say "I have decided that this isn't working for me anymore, and I need to get on with my life."
I spoke with her today, saying it's time we start looking at fixing this marriage. She said she just had a busy few months concentrating on her daughter's wedding and now she need some time to decompress. Here brother and mum are coming to visit soon and she wants to have that time with them without me pressuring her.
She claims the affair is long over. She feels like I'm smothering her. She tells me how hurt she is that I go on porn sites (I still do). She wants to have her friends and her life back. She still digs up the past and I can't change the past. I say we need to move on, but she says there's too much damage from my past.
Maybe, Wonka, you're right and I should move out. But she has no job except the RH which we probably can sell in a month or two. But then there's no telling how she'll deal with the financial ramifications of that. So if I go now do I keep paying all the bills and mortgage at our matrimonial home? I don't want to lose it. I just spent a whack of money putting on a new patio for the wedding. Besides my whole business in in the house: warehouse, office and shipping room.
She did say she's not going anywhere, which I take as she still wants to keep me in her life.
I did a favour for the neighbor and now W thinks I've got the hots for her. Almost like a bit of jealousy. She's a nice lady, but I am not interested. I'm just trying to be neighborly. I'm becoming good friends with her and her husband. So is my wife. We get together more frequently nowadays.
W says I'm a loner but she has lots and lots of friends which she feels like she forsook when we married. I had lots of friends too but I had to forsake them all as they were also friends of my ex-wife and I needed to distance myself from those relationships to prove I was moving on from that era in my life.
Now that I've moved away from my former hometown to my W's hometown I'm needing to make new friends here, but I've been so busy over the past 5 years that my social life was put aside. So now W says I'm a loner. That I'm awkward in social situations. I don't think so at all. I was just recently the MC at our daughter's wedding and everyone commented on how well I did.
She also doesn't like my stage presence when I'm performing. She used to like it. But now she thinks it's fake and over the top. And that I'm just trying to grab attention. I do get into my performances and I'm not going to change how I enjoy those.
I think if I move out, I'll have to make it a permanent thing, otherwise it'll just look contrived. I don't want to leave my house though. I just got myself a king size bed for the spare room. Maybe once my in-laws are gone things will change. Yeah - I hear you yawning.
We do spend a lot of time together. She cooks for me. We talk a lot about everything except the R.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
Hi Peter, I'm sorry to hear that. Ah - more limbo and another reason for you not to upset the apple card. Your W wants time with brother and Mum without you pressuring her. You know that after this there will be a new reason and more limbo don't you?
Your W isn't interested in having a good M with you just now. And likely you are in for more of the same if you choose to continue on your current path. I don't think she will wake up unless there is a significant change. And you don't want to move because you just laid a new patio???
Putting your W to one side just now. What sort of life do YOU want to live, and are you living that life right now? Do you want to be stuck in a 'half-marriage' with someone who doesn't even want to make it better?
If you aren't, it is within your gift to make decisions towards living life as you want it to be. I truly hope that you decide to stand up for your own life and happiness, because I think you are stuck right now.
Good luck to you if you do - there will be plenty of support and encouragement on this forum whichever way my friend.
Take care xx
Last edited by Toots; 08/02/1508:05 AM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I don't want to move because I like it here and if anyone is going to it'll have to be her.
W wants to keep the RH for a while longer when it starts turning a profit which should be in a month or two. I'm all for just selling it and getting our money out of it. It's been an albatross around our necks for too long. I think she thinks she can extract money out of the place once it turns a profit. She doesn't realize that my company has been subsidizing hers for almost two years, and needs to get reimbursed first. When I presented that information to her she balked at it saying that money's been paid and it's history. I even presented her with the invoice which she put a stroke through to void it.
And she's all chirpy and smiley most of the time around me. Cooking for me and talking about plans for our future.
But occasionally she goes on a rant about some of my personality traits. When she starts on those I will shut her down saying I will not be spoken to in a disrespectful tone of voice.
She's always going on about how people compliment her on her looks and her abilities. She's so insecure she keeps repeating these stories. And this insecurity is very deeply engrained. I saw it when we first met. I thought that her years of enduring abusive relationships had caused it or at least had exacerbated it, and that I could provide her the support and love to help her heal herself. But I'm not sure how aware she is of this trait. I'm not her psychologist so I'm not sure if I should discuss that with her. It may just make her resent me more. So I just validate her.
But frankly, I would be ok without her in my life. I really don't want that, but I'm not going to live a loveless, sexless marriage until I'm living in my own retirement home. So, yes, I would be just fine without her in my life. I would prosper and be happy and maybe someone else would come along. I have so much love to give and it's now unrequited.
I think selling the RH will be a turning point. Once a whack of money is sitting on the table I'll see what sort of person she really is. When my first marriage ended I gave my ex more than she was entitled to, just to avoid a lengthy court battle which I felt would have been hard on my children. My current W is still angry that I did that, and thinks it was because I wanted my ex back (not the case), and she still brings it up - even brought it up yesterday during our talk. So if now W is looking at the same sitch I think she will feel entitled to more than her fair share. I could see her spewing about it the same way my first wife spewed about it. But this time I have a full closet of spew jackets from the Starksy Collection.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
Another thought. Once we sell the RH we'll be able to pay off all our current debt and I won't have the survival of that business to worry about. I'm currently managing both her business and mine. If I pull out before it's sold it will go bankrupt within a month and the bankruptcy trustee will be in charge. The business is in W's name so it won't affect my credit rating, but I did put $200K into it to buy the place and have put about another $200K into it for improvements and to keep it running. I'm not about to let that investment evaporate. So once that place is sold I'll be freer to make my decision about where I go from here. I have a feeling that W will try to keep all the capital from the sale of the place. When I give her the accounting facts above she may say it's her business and she'll do as she pleases. That would lead to my company suing hers for the money which would certain bring things to a head. Some lawyers would make a lot of money.
So as you can see, I don't really want to go down that path. But that may be the path that's ahead of me.
Alternately, we could, as W says, hang on to the place as is starts turning a profit and I'll keep managing it and slowly pay the money back to my company. In the meantime I could still continue DBing and doing what I can to save the marriage, living under the same roof in this opaque limbo.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
Hi Peter, I'm sorry to hear that. Ah - more limbo and another reason for you not to upset the apple card. Your W wants time with brother and Mum without you pressuring her. You know that after this there will be a new reason and more limbo don't you?
Your W isn't interested in having a good M with you just now. And likely you are in for more of the same if you choose to continue on your current path. I don't think she will wake up unless there is a significant change.
When I read your update earlier, my first thought was that you and W are living as "roommates" passing each other. You two are not living as a married couple.
Toots raised a very valid point: What do you REALLY want out of life?
Again, you have your destiny in your own hands and isn't directly tied to W. Really contemplate on what you truly want and so richly deserve.
It seems to me that your W has you in a place where she derives "some" benefits from you as her H without "the whole enchilada."
I cannot imagine being married to someone WITHOUT any form of emotional and sexual intimacy. I have plenty of friends and people who would make ideal roommates out there.
