Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 132
R
rminer Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 132
Thank you Deckard. I thought Starsky309 was a different poster.

I plan on reading his posts!


M: 25 T:33
Me: 48 W: 49
S24, D21, D18, D15, S8 All living at home while going to school
A confirmed: 12-25-17
EA Definite PA Probable
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 132
R
rminer Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 132
Originally Posted By: rminer
I've known about the A for almost two months. I think my W would probably use the against me saying i dont care. If it were reversed, I'm 95% she would have called me out by now.


Originally Posted By: sandi2
No, that's the thinking of a LBH, not a WW.



So are you saying that you don't think she would use me knowing about the A and not saying anything about it against me?  My guess is, at some point when and how I found out will come out.  I don't want it to make me me look weaker in her eyes.



Originally Posted By: sandi2
I commend you for taking the Alpha vs Beta, seriously.



Funny thing is, I've always seen myself as Alpha. Growing up, all the other kids followed me, which continued through college. I've been called a "Natural Leader" more times than I can count.  The more I look at my life, the more I can see that I've lost it somewhere along the way.

The OM would not be seen as Alpha by any other male, so I'm not sure why my W would see him this way, which I'm assuming she does.  He has very feminine qualities and mannerisms that no guy would yield to.

If a male wouldn't see him as Alpha, why would a female?


M: 25 T:33
Me: 48 W: 49
S24, D21, D18, D15, S8 All living at home while going to school
A confirmed: 12-25-17
EA Definite PA Probable
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,132
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,132
Rminer,

It doesn't matter if your W sees him as alpha. Its you trying to find logic in her choice. Her choice might never make sense to you. She's most likely not thinking logically. Sometimes a WW likes to deal with a man that is totally opposite of their H. In their mind going opposite will get them away for the type of man that has caused her so much pain.

Its not about alpha or beta. Its about you making a choice to become a man only a fool would leave. And if you are an alpha, when does an alpha ask questions, questioning another mans qualities? Be strong! Be confident! Stop comparing yourself to the OM. It will only drive you crazy. She chose him for her reasons and none Of them was to please you are get your approval ( I'm saying because it her decision, and she might never be able to tell you why).

Stop giving the OM head space so you can heal. The faster you are not worrying about him, the stronger you will look to your W.

Onward and forward


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
Well, the relationship between your W and OM is not natural. He is probably doing a lot of sweet talking to her and building her ego. That rocks along for a while, where they are flirting and feeding each other's ego. If they are together enough, she will start to see his Beta. Unless they work on some project, are thrown together is a community situation, she may not have a good opertunity to observe it. But don't let what the OM has or doesn't have become your focus.

Right now, you need to work a an alternative plan to use if you decide to confront your W. I tell H's they can expect anything at confrontation. That is when most women give the bomb drop and claim they have not be in love for years. They do 't want to be in the M, but they don't want to leave the house. Whatever you decide, DO NOT AGREE TO IN-HOUSE SEPARATION. IT LIKE LIVING ON DEATH ROW. Whatever arrangements can made be made........do not stay under the same roof together.

You may want to check about your house, how easily it might sell, or what you would need to do. Also check with a lawyer to see how or if it hurts your case by leaving the house (if the WW absolutely refuses to budge). Depending on the severity of the living conditions, men often have to make choices as to which is the worst hell. Know what I mean?

If you approach you W about her affair, you need to be prepared for her deny everything and claim they "are just friends". But in many cases, this is the time the W will announce that she has been unhappy for a long time and has been considering taking time off........or whatever ridiculous excuse she uses.

And some come out with both guns, ready for a show down. She may demand to know your source of information.........but do NOT give it to her, and never tell her how you knew about the affair.

Have your ducks in order, b/c that will help you feel more organized and confident. If she should break down a cry and say she's sorry, etc. Take it all with a big grain of salt, b/c she is more sorry about getting caught. You can ask her if she is willing to end all contact with the other man........forever, and never see him again. And ask her if she is willing to work with you to save the M, and to go to MC of your choosing. If she is.....fine, everyone goes home. If not, then you tell her to find another place to stay, and you go home. None of this is anything in stone, but it makes a reasonable statement, and I would think........shake up your WW just a little.

No matter how anything goes, you need to act cool and as if you have an ace up your sleeve. Don't show all your cards to her. Which doesn't seem normal when you are M to the woman, but these are not normal times, and you need to stay a step ahead of her. Most H'sare not mentally prepared for the W's behavior, or something she throws at him. H's are always saying she caught him totally unaware. So, I'm telling to expect the worst, and have all your bases covered.

Here's the biggest lie we here the most used in these situations with the WW and OM. She claims they are only friends. The H should stand up to her and say, "Then if I am not comfortable with you having a friendship with another man......you have no problem deleting this friendship, for the sake of our M, right"? And this is when she starts claiming the H should have no right to tell her who she can friends with and who she can't. Ahhhh, she gives herself away. What loving W would choose a friend -ship over her marriage relation.ship ? Only a wayward W who has a hidden agenda with her new "friend". And it takes priority over her husband.

So, if you confront her, prepare as if you were going into war (I mean to be prepared for anything). Do not attack, and don't approach when your anger is too high. It is important to think calmly and use your grit. It is more important that she sees you being a strong, confident man in charge, rather than a soft, forgivng weakling that she can wrap around her finger by shedding a few tears. She may react quietly and announce she's been thinking of a D for a long time. But generally, the stories we hear on the board do not go that easily. Let me remind once more, never reveal your source of intell. Even years after you reconcile, don't tell her.

If she up on her high horse too much, and she is getting out of hand, making threats, etc., It's time to shut it down. I've heard of women calling the cops for the least little thing, or make some trumped up charges against her H. When is something going to be done about this men? When is law enforcement going to start helping the H's and fathers, instead of automatically believing the woman's story?

Anyway, as you can see, there is a lot to consider when you confront your spouse about OM.

It seldom settles anything, but opens the door to further stuff.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
Totally agree with Sandi -- you must have a plan and your "what happens next" fully thought through.

Originally Posted By: rminer
So are you saying that you don't think she would use me knowing about the A and not saying anything about it against me? My guess is, at some point when and how I found out will come out. I don't want it to make me me look weaker in her eyes.


The false-thinking of the LBS is that you are on the WAS radar at all. They are spending zero thought cycles thinking about you.

They are focused on getting what they want, which is usually emotional distance from you, and more time with their affair partner(s). That's all they think about.

You knowing about her affair is a mere inconvenience and she's going to focus on blowing past it using every means at her disposal, but primarily somehow making you the bad guy -- accusing you of spying on her, accusing you of being irrational, jealous, controlling, etc. etc.

Acc


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 132
R
rminer Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 132
I see what you are saying. My plan is not complete, so I am holding off on calling her out.

I know my W, and I could easily see her saying "You've known this long and didn't say anything? You obviously don't care about this marriage."

I know that would be more BS, but it most likely would be used that way.


M: 25 T:33
Me: 48 W: 49
S24, D21, D18, D15, S8 All living at home while going to school
A confirmed: 12-25-17
EA Definite PA Probable
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
Quote:
I know my W, and I could easily see her saying "You've known this long and didn't say anything? You obviously don't care about this marriage."


I don't mean to sound as if I am telling you that you don't know your W. I am trying to tell you that the wayward mindset does not go in the direction you described above. Oh, she might throw something at you that's just as crazy sounding......but it will be to get herself out of the hot seat and put you it in it. Nowhere is the thinking you've described above, the mindset of a WW. In fact, I have my first time to hear of anyone report that's how his WW responded when she was confronted about an A.

I don't know that you have a full concept of the depth that your W has changed, not only her behavior, but her way of thinking. She is not the girl you M. This change in her did not happen overnight. It was slowly a work in progress. Seeds of unresolved resentment were planted in her heart, and those took root to bear other negative feelings, including disrespect toward you as her H. For the most part, you did not know about it......or at least, to the extent. Most women who try to be a good W will not reveal that she has those type of issues in her heart. Nevertheless, it was brewing. Eventually, something happens.......maybe just the daily grind of life......but she crosses a line that can't be ignored.

She is not going to be upset at you for not calling her out about an A sooner! She is cheating.........and that's not the way cheaters think or operate. I'm not saying she won't try to find something to make you out to be the bad guy, b/c the WW wants to feel justified in doing what she's doing........but I highly doubt she is going to get mad b/c you kept things to yourself. In fact, she is counting on your old passivity. She is not expecting you to do anything unusual. If you should discover her A, she figures you won't say anything, or it won't go beyond a discussion......and you'll be back to you old passive style.

IMHO, I think what you really mean, is that she'll be upset that you didn't fight for the M, by stopping her in her tracks. Again, this is not how waywards think. They don't want you fighting for the M. That's why they keep the A private. Most of them want out of the MR, so why would they want their S fighting to save it? They want to keep their A secret for a reason. Trust me, this is no ploy she has in making you spring into action and fight OM for the honor of your W. And, if she should tell you she only wanted to make you jealous.........she's lying.

Anyway, you must stop this type of useless doubting of what she's likely to think or feel. Until you learn more about the mindset of a WW........you will be as far off target as you could get.

Misunderstanding her mindset is just one of the reasons I told you to prepare as if going into war. Never underestimate your WW, and think she won't stoop lowly and take full advantage of you and your love. She already has. Never fool yourself by assuming her love for you or the kids will bring her back. Never think if you'll just show her how much you care for her, it will change her mind and turn her back around. Never fall into the trap of believing that being her friend, while she is having an A, will win you back into her heart.

I know this must be very difficult for you. The whole thing must seem bizzarr. You never dreamed this could be your W, right? I never dreamed it could be me, either. The better educated you are about the wayward mindset, the better you will be equipped to deal with it more successfully.

BTW, I have a few threads on the subject of the WW's mindset, if you are interested. It might give you a little insight from the WW point of view.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
RM.....I can't give you any better advice than Sandi or ACC but I know from my experience it took me a few months before I realized how far gone my W was. It still amazes me today about 2 months away from our D being final. I will never understand how this all happened. If your W says something like you mentioned she will probably say it to turn the tables on you in attempt to deflect any responsibility on her part.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 132
R
rminer Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 132
Originally Posted By: sandi2
IMHO, I think what you really mean, is that she'll be upset that you didn't fight for the M, by stopping her in her tracks.



Yes, this is what I was trying to say.



Originally Posted By: sandi2
I know this must be very difficult for you. The whole thing must seem bizzarr. You never dreamed this could be your W, right? I never dreamed it could be me, either. The better educated you are about the wayward mindset, the better you will be equipped to deal with it more successfully.



This is NOT my W. She is a completely different person now, and I can't see how the woman I knew turned in to what she is now.


Originally Posted By: sandi2
BTW, I have a few threads on the subject of the WW's mindset, if you are interested. It might give you a little insight from the WW point of view.



I have read them all, and it has helped, but I obviously have not fully grasped it.


M: 25 T:33
Me: 48 W: 49
S24, D21, D18, D15, S8 All living at home while going to school
A confirmed: 12-25-17
EA Definite PA Probable
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 132
R
rminer Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 132
So many mixed signals though. I am typing a post about it as we speak because she has me very confused.


M: 25 T:33
Me: 48 W: 49
S24, D21, D18, D15, S8 All living at home while going to school
A confirmed: 12-25-17
EA Definite PA Probable
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard