I don't believe you're using the homeschooling as a lever to keep her in the house, but if you are I'd try to train yourself not to think of it that way.
I’m not, but she has always been very much gung-ho about it and would not want to give it up (I don’t think).
Originally Posted By: Accuray
This is not her decision alone to make -- you have an equal say in the matter, and if it goes in front of a judge you will likely prevail.
Very true. I like them homeschooled. I believe they get a better education than the schools around here can provide since they can learn at their own pace, but I do have to weigh the harm that could be done by being home with her at this point.
Originally Posted By: Accuray
Secondly, the responsibility for maintaining the relationship between your daughters and your wife does not fall on you. It also does not fall on your daughters -- it is your wife's responsibility.
Her current behavior of having tantrums and then doing "silent treatment" is immature in the extreme and should not be tolerated by anyone, including your daughters. That is toxic behavior and their lives would frankly be better off without that influence.
If she can't behave in a manner necessary to maintain her relationship with her adult children, that is her loss. Perhaps that loss will motivate her to do the work necessary to restore the relationships, or maybe she'll continue to regard herself as a victim forever.
Your daughter deserves a relationship with an emotionally healthy mother. If your W isn't up for that, your D is better off cutting her off.
You sound so much like D21. Were you listening to our conversation last night or something? D21 and I talked for over two hours last night about a lot of things, mainly this sitch. I originally went in to her room to give her my blessing on sending the text to her mom with some conditions (can’t sound like it is coming from me and to speak from the heart), but she opened up more than ever and I had to listen.
She said almost exactly what you said and told me about some observations she had made over the years. Most of them in my favor, surprisingly. D21 and I were always at odds until she was about 16. I didn’t know how to handle a young girl very well – I tried treating her like a boy. We had a blowout one night, some things were said and I felt like crap. I took her to dinner the next night to talk and apologize. We have been growing closer ever since. D21 said that my W is never willing to change for anyone and she gives me credit for being able to do a little introspection and changing when I needed to (yes, one of her majors is psychology) – exactly the opposite of what I am being accused of from my W. There have been a couple of times D21 has hit me with the ‘ol 2x4 and made me realize some of my flaws that needed to change. She is a great D.
Anyway, we eventually got on the subject of a possible D. She was telling me how she felt her mother was very controlling and selfish most of the time. I told her that I was partially responsible for creating that monster through my actions (or inactions) over the years. Not for sympathy, but to let her know I know I’ve made mistakes. She stopped me and told what everyone here has been saying. I may not have been perfect, but these are her choices and I’m not forcing her in to anything. She is the one going out. She is the one destroying our M. She is the one tearing apart the family. She is the one losing her kids. I’m not responsible for her choices, so don’t take the blame for them. How the heck can a 21 year old see that and a 48 year old can’t? She is an awesome D.
D21 also told me that W barley talks to her mother anymore and when she does, she can be downright mean at times. She has NEVER been like that with her mother. In talking to her grandmother, D21 has been told that grandmother knows something is wrong too, but does not know what. No one is telling her either. D21 is thinking about making the 2.5 hour drive to see her to fill her in, but knowing how her grandmother would start nagging my W, she is hesitant. I don’t know that it would be a good idea yet because it would involve “others” that she didn’t choose, possibly compounding the problems.
She also went on to talk about D14 and S8 some more, telling me that they are fighting like crazy now. I said that I rarely see them fight. She told me that it happens when I am not at home. Her theory is that they are not getting enough attention from mom, so they are getting it any way they can. When I’m home, I give them some attention, so they don’t need to get it themselves. D21 also doesn’t want to see a D because it would hurt the youngest two so much, but what is happening now could be even more harmful. She’s right.
Her other idea is to call my W’s best friend, her enabler, to ask what the heck is going on. She knows my W would get extremely pi$$ed but doesn’t care. I told her that the “friend” won’t tell her anything, so it might be best not to.
This girl wants this solved as much as I do it seems…
I need someone who can help me decipher a text exchange my wife and I had yesterday.
To start, her vehicle is having issues. I know I am not supposed to be doing things like this for her, but last Sunday I tried to repair it. It is a safety issue and D18 drives it as well, so I had to do it. It was fine for a few days, then D18 was driving it and it shut down. I went to get her and it drove home fine. That night W wants to go out and takes off in it. It shuts down again. She calls me pi$$ed off because it’s my fault, but manages to get it started and limps home with it.
Yesterday I found a place to take it for repair, but hadn’t yet told my W. She texts me about to ask if I had found a place and to try to arrange using my car to taxi the kids around. I was busy so it took a while to get back to her. I told her I did and that she could take it over if she wanted. This is where the fun starts.
She was instantly mad, and asked how she was “magically” supposed to do that. I said “drive it?” I thought that would end it because I figured there was no way she would do it. It was nearly 5pm, ten degrees out and the vehicle wouldn’t stay running. Well, she did try and didn’t make it.
Of course, I got an angry call and some texts about it. I told her that I never thought she would actually try to drive it over and I was going to have it towed when I got home. She said that I told her to drive it over, I replied something like “since when to do you do what I say?”
After that she started in on a little R talk. About how I never listened to her and didn’t believe her about the car. I told her that I did believe her, that’s why I tried to fix it. The fix didn’t work, so now we have to take it in. I was firm with what I was saying and continued to be firm, so I started out well.
W then stated “I can’t do this anymore.” I came back with more about the car, but I knew what she was talking about. She said “That’s not what I’m talking about.” I replied “I know. But you won’t communicate with me anymore.” She then started talking about how I never listen to her, how I always do whatever I want to do and she never has a voice in any important decision that is made. This is where I started to fall down.
I started to acknowledge her feelings on a few things and defend myself a bit. I brought up a few things she has done to me such as throwing away a very heartfelt birthday card I gave her. She replied that she still has it and that she would not throw it away.
I catch myself and start to toughen up (I hear sandi2 SCREAMING at me in my head) and she comes back with “I don’t know who you are any more,” “I’m hurt and don’t think we can fix this marriage anymore,” “seems like you give up and so do I,” and “I won’t leave because of the kids, but I cannot do this forever.”
I’m paraphrasing, but I told her that this marriage can be fixed if we both commit to doing it.
What do I make out of what she was saying?
Why wouldn’t she throw the card away? Does she still have feelings somewhere even though there is absolutely no reminder of our marriage in the house except me wearing my wedding ring?
SHE’S HURT? SHE is the one having the A, and SHE is the one that is HURT?!?!
She doesn’t think we can fix the marriage, is only sticking around for the kids but can’t do this forever. WTF is that supposed to mean? She is going to wait nine more years before she divorces me?
Can someone with experience please tell me what she was trying to say? I have put many meanings to it, but keep changing my mind on what she was really trying to do.
For those not familiar with my sitch, my W does not know that I know about the A. I was advised to not tell her yet.
M: 25 T:33 Me: 48 W: 49 S24, D21, D18, D15, S8 All living at home while going to school A confirmed: 12-25-17 EA Definite PA Probable
It’s all WW bs to make you look like the bad guy. If she was committed to fixing the marriage it could be fixed. That’s why I am a proponent of making it clear when an A is discovered that you will not be in an open marriage and share her with another man. If not she will leave you and blame you for it and the OM will mysteriously appear months down the road.
At this point I would just be making accusations about the A. I have no real proof to present to her. Just some texts I've seen and her behavior.
I want more than anything at this point, other than repairing the family, is to call her out on the A. If I do call her out right now she will just deny it and hide it even more.
If I could get her to admit it, that would be another story. She is a smart cookie, so tricking her in to it would be no easy task.
M: 25 T:33 Me: 48 W: 49 S24, D21, D18, D15, S8 All living at home while going to school A confirmed: 12-25-17 EA Definite PA Probable
Did you read PEW1973s thread or Chris73s thread? Like I told you in the beginning things have to get worse before they get better. She isn’t going to just snap out of it.
I can not find PEW1973, but I have read most of Chirs73's first thread. Was there a particular thread of his you were referring to?
Since I assume you are speaking of detachment, what does it feel like when you have detached.
I know I am not there, but more and more I just feel numb towards her. Like nothing she does bothers me and I have no interest. Other times she what she does irks the heck out of me.
Is this the start of detaching or developing an uncaring attitude towards her?
M: 25 T:33 Me: 48 W: 49 S24, D21, D18, D15, S8 All living at home while going to school A confirmed: 12-25-17 EA Definite PA Probable
I am not that great at detaching but I often will see a glimpse of it. When I see WAH and I genuinely feel joy, I know I am detaching. I smile and sing and mean it. He will often look at me and ask where I am going. He is starting to initiate conversations and looks sad most of the time or depressed. Then he will get irritable and removes himself. I miss him and I miss our family but he served me papers on tuesday. That is the reality. Today I spent 3 hours with my paralegal friend getting some documents ready. It made me feel extremely empowered but sad when I look at my whole life on papers. I am holding onto hope.....
The two of you are no where near detachment it takes a lot of time. Full detachment is obtained when you get to a place where you realize that you can’t control the other person you accept their decisions to move on and your ok with it. Nothing they do effects you. You are ok with the uncertainty in your life.
I can’t find PEWs thread I must have screen name wrong but the bottom line is he turned a blind eye to his Ws A and as far as I know a year later he is still suffering immensely.
In 3.5 years on here I have never seen anyone nice there way back. Those texts you saw are enough proof for me.
