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(I thought bunnies were lactose intolerant)


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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laugh - Don't ask me bttrfly - ask the dream rabbits. I just dream them - don't ask me to explain them.

Hi Gordie! Sorry for the thread-jack - important issues though laugh


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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Gordie Offline OP
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Advice needed:

I have been doing well and have been focusing on me and my life and the kids. W is getting friendlier and sharing more of her life with me, increasing physical contact, etc. I have not been pursuing and we have not had R talks. She has been much more engaged in family life.

Well, yesterday instead of joining in a family event, she told me she was going to dinner but not with whom. This is a trigger for me. Do I ask her about this or just let it be? My guess is she went out with a GF but then why not just tell me that? She has shown none of the cold and distant and mean attitudes that accompanied OM1 and OM2. If she did, then I would be much more suspicious.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Gordie,

I wouldn't ask her. Just let it be. If she wants to tell you, she will.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Ginger,l and Job,

I really appreciate your message to me re strength and weakness...wow.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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yes agree with Job. Let it go. xoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
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Jon and Butterfly,

Thanks. I let it go. I’ve been reading Sandi2’s posts to Hoosjim. He has a w who also is neither pushing for D not M. Sandi2 has been advising on the undecided WW. It’s been an interesting read. I think I didn’t realize there was this in between space. The I don’t know if I want to be M or D space. Well, Sandi2 said she went through this phase also where even if your thoughts say I should work on this M, there are no feelings for H there and the feelings are more important than the thoughts and the feelings take a long time to come back...at least months. Who said this ain’t a marathon? Well, the good news is w is exhibiting some positive signs:

W is no longer GGW partying

W is not chasing OMs, as far as I can tell without snooping

W tells me where she is going when she leaves the house

W is re engaging with the children, but damage has been done

W is re engaging physically with me, baby steps like pecks on the cheek and this week I’ve started getting hugs

W calls or texts me at least 1x per day while I am at work

W has started doing things for me small things for me again

W is no longer attached to her phone while at home

W opens up to me and tells me about her day

For my part, I have been more focused on me and the kids. I reciprocate when she engages verbally or physically but don’t initiate. I’ve been trying to expectations low. Here are signs she’s not ready to fully re engage with me:

No R talks

No apologies or remorse

No discussion of the future

No discussion of working on the M

So I made a coaching session to see if I should just keep doing what I am doing while she does whatever she is doing in her own head and heart. I keep thinking of Cali and how his XW did this for a few months only to go back to OM. So I am trying to walk this fine line between being open to her steps at re engagement and reciprocating but avoiding pursuit and pushing for more than she wants or is ready for. My heart still has walls around it. I still have trust issues. I still want an apology.

Mach1 and Ginger—have thoughts for you that I will put in another post.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Sandi2 also had some interesting comments about full, open mouthed kissing. I think my w stopped doing that 5+ years ago. We kept having sex but without kissing. Sandi2 said that is a red flag that your w is not that into you and is just using you for sex. Wow, I had never heard that theory before.

Mach1,

So yes. I think I am supposed to be learning and growing from all of this. As many of the vets here have told me, you will save yourself even if you don’t save your M. Looking back, I had some real deficiencies as a H and a father. I think I spent the first year or more beating myself up for what I did and blaming myself for everything. Yes, I made immediate 180s in external behavior but it’s taken much longer for the internship shifts to happen.

I have only recently started to delve into forgiving myself. The truth is I didn’t even know what that meant. And of course, if I can’t forgive myself, then I’m probably just not very good at giving or receiving forgiveness with anyone.

Another related truth is that I have am judgmental. I judge myself harshly. I judge others harshly. It’s not a good way to live. There’s a reason why there’s a commandment that we shouldn’t judge.

So yes, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how to be more forgiving as a way of life. How to be less judgmental. We really have no idea what others are going through in their journeys, the demons they face and the obstacles they have to overcome.

Ginger,

Sometimes I think you have x ray vision into my soul. I think you know that I think it’s wrong for me to walk away. No matter how much **** comes my way, I am committed to trying to weather this storm. So yes, I do feel for me at this stage it would be weak of me to walk away. Do I feel my w has tried like **** to push me away? Yes, but I’m still here.

Is there a point where it would take a lot of strength to do the opposite? Yes, but I’m not there yet.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Gord, you are a strong guy that is treading water in a storm that I can't understand. Mine ran and yours decided to stay. We are on trying to get to the same place, but going at it in different ways. Keep the faith my brother.

Some odd thoughts and agreements:
1. the things you listed that she is not doing...working on the M, talking about the future, showing remorse. She is definitely not ready to work on things. I don't have any idea when or if she will,
but there is not way that she can do those things yet. Amy C had thoughts on those things when she went thru them, but I can't remember specifics on how long it took her to get there.


2. the kissing thing. WOW! That is eye opening. I had not read or heard that, but now it makes sense. Mine did the same thing years ago. Her complaint that it was suffocating to her...like I was sucking air away from her.

3. Being judgmental. I totally agree, but it takes us a while to reach that point. We have been bruised and battered and it takes us time to reach the understanding that they have been doing the same thing to themselves internally for years.

One day at a time my friend!


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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Gordie - I'm being "Mr Cold Bucket of Water" these days - so sorry in advance.

For quite a while before she moved out I'd thought that my ex had broken up with OM. She was (mostly) transparent about her goings on, we talked a bit - but not R talks etc. Somebody posted to me the very wise comment that his own wife had also been very transparent - except when she wasn't. A few weeks before she finally moved out my ex started "going out with a friend for dinner" on Friday nights. I suspected it was with OM but didn't know and like you didn't ask.

There's a concept called "branch swinging" where people will hold on to their existing partner until they have a solid grip on a new one. I believe that my ex did that even for 6 months plus after she moved out by keeping everything quiet and bolstered by meeting me once when presumably she and OM were on hiatus and talking about how so very lonely she was. Not talking about coming back but she seemed very happy when it was obvious that I was still a fish firmly on the hook. What she didn't know was how precarious that was and on the first indication that she preferred OM to me I threw in the towel which I suspect was quite a shock to her.

Just my 2 cents.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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