I agree with what SBJ said, I too feel a connection walking this path with others that understand. I am very grateful to have found this family of helpful and compassionate people.
Gordie, I am glad that things are looking up for you. Yes take care of your side of the street. Good to hear your smiling. I hadn’t smiled in months, lots of depression, and felt terrible. Then one day I felt like smiling again. During that day depressive thoughts came back and the smile disappeared, but I caught it and force a smile (chose joy) for the rest of the day. That was difficult for the first while and became much easier as the day progressed.
A smile, that small action can cause a dramatic change in outlook. We LBS’s understand how one’s perception is one’s reality, we have living examples in front of us our MLC spouses. We also have ourselves. How we chose to look at things shapes our perceptions and alters our reality. So, keep smiling and enjoy life.
I think it is good for the MLCer to vent (if you can take it), it clears the fog for a while allowing them to see a little clearer for a bit. It’s hard to find your way in the fog. The venting is good for her, she can work out some feelings and depression. Just let it roll off you, unless as you said you were a bone-head.
Do more of what works and less of what doesn’t. You’re doing great.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thanks. I don’t know what I’d do without you fellow journeymen. I had a great weekend and a smile on my face throughout and enjoyable time with my kids. It was great until w started criticizing me tonight. Interesting how you DNJ said it’s good to let her vent. I did that but I was a deer in the headlights. I didn’t know what to say. She was bringing up old issues which we have already discussed and for which I have already apologized. There were some minutes of awkward silence. I am thinking: How many times must I apologize? Why does she only see what I did wrong and she finds herself blameless? Then I used my primitive validating skills and that made things better.
Digging deeper. Of what am I afraid? I remember reading something that defines a perfectionist as someone who does not desire to be perfect, but someone who desires to be beyond criticism. It’s actually an insecurity and that’s me. Of what am I insecure? On the outside, I am smart and good looking and professionally successful. But on the inside, there is still an insecure person. An abandoned child. A neglected child. I think it’s one of the reasons why words of affirmation are so important to me. At work, I get tons of positive affirmation. At home, I get tons of criticism.
The weak part of me says give up! Run away! The strong part of me says I am going to keep learning and growing from all of this. God has a plan. I just don’t know what it is yet.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
The weak part of me says give up! Run away! The strong part of me says I am going to keep learning and growing from all of this. God has a plan. I just don’t know what it is yet.
I think that we all can relate to this. I feel that His plan is for us to look to Him for guidance and continue to grow in Him. Our mlcer's will either do their own work and heal or they won't. If we detach enough we will make it without too much damage to ourselves. I, like many, still have to work on that detachment. Have a great week my brothers.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Gordie, i feel similar things... which is why it is so important to GAL outside of this MLC ordeal so that you have OTHER people who can validate you and appreciate you instead of her criticizing you all the time!
Part of me always thinks though that while those other people's appreciation is NICE and feels good, it really isn't as founded or in-depth as your Wife's since SHE is the one that knows the REAL you, so when SHE praises me, it means the world to me, much much more than what other acquaintances out there say kinda passingly you know?
That i feel is the real goal here, and it is what i am asking my counselor/therapist about wanting to work towards as well:
To become the kind of person that can be happy, complete, and content within himself WITHOUT needing approval by ANYONE. Become rock steady within yourself, know your own strengths and limits and let no one destabilize you anymore the way our wives are atm.
Obviously a lot of hyperbole is in there, and it really is more of a lifelong learning process etc. but you get the idea!
You are right. I don’t need external validation to know that I am a good guy. And I really can’t expect anything from w who has checked out of our relationship. I used to be a confident man. What happened to that confidence? I think it shattered at b d and I am o so slowly rebuilding it.
***
Journaling:
So I had an ultra realistic dream. I woke up and thought it really happened. That she came to my room and we made up and made love and it was beautiful. And then I realized that no, I was still alone and nothing happened. I am still on my journey alone.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
You know, if you decided to walk away from this, and for the right reasons, you wouldn't be weak. It would actually be an incredibly strong thing to do.
I have been seriously impressed by the resolve of the people who decided for themselves "enough is enough" when living in a situation of roomates with their WAS. For me, my ex left and never looked back as far as I knew. There was no false hope, there was no "maybe" to hold on to at all. It was like tearing off a limb, but I am thankful I never had to second guess anything or settle for crumbs. I know it is so hard to walk away from "hope" or a "maybe".
That's not saying you should walk away. Or that you are weak for staying in this situation. But the day you decide you can't live like this anymore and decide to stop living like this, well, I wouldn't consider you weak at all. I think it would be on of the hardest strongest decisions you would ever make.
Gordie, you aren't weak. You are an inspiration to all who post here. You are doing everything possible to save your marriage and I hope you can....but...if you can't and you walk away, at least you will be able to do so and know you've tried everything.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So I had an ultra realistic dream. I woke up and thought it really happened. That she came to my room and we made up and made love and it was beautiful. And then I realized that no, I was still alone and nothing happened. I am still on my journey alone.
2 years out and divorced and I still get those at least once a month or more. I also get the ones where she's gloating and taking advantage of me too. I had both of those last night in fact.
On the other hand I had one the other day where I was being chased by rabbits who wanted the cheese I had - dreams are weird My ex used to laugh at some of them. I do though get the hyper-real dreams fairly regularly of all sorts and wake up and try to sort out what was a dream and what was real.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I had a great weekend and a smile on my face throughout and enjoyable time with my kids. It was great until w started criticizing me tonight. Interesting how you DNJ said it’s good to let her vent. I did that but I was a deer in the headlights. I didn’t know what to say. She was bringing up old issues which we have already discussed and for which I have already apologized. There were some minutes of awkward silence. I am thinking: How many times must I apologize? Why does she only see what I did wrong and she finds herself blameless? Then I used my primitive validating skills and that made things better.
It's good that you recognized it in the heat of it...
It's also pretty normal and a pretty good sign that she is still in there.
Anger is an emotion, much like love.
Without love, there is indifference...
With indifference, she wouldn't have wasted her time...
What she is, where she has been, where she is headed to...
The anger that she is feeling is good. It means that at least she is feeling something. Years of anger and frustration will come out of her before she finally gets to the bottom of herself...
One of the reasons that validating is so important...
Let it come out, recognize what it is, and own YOUR truth in it...
Originally Posted By: Gordie
Digging deeper. Of what am I afraid? I remember reading something that defines a perfectionist as someone who does not desire to be perfect, but someone who desires to be beyond criticism. It’s actually an insecurity and that’s me. Of what am I insecure? On the outside, I am smart and good looking and professionally successful. But on the inside, there is still an insecure person. An abandoned child. A neglected child. I think it’s one of the reasons why words of affirmation are so important to me. At work, I get tons of positive affirmation. At home, I get tons of criticism.
The weak part of me says give up! Run away! The strong part of me says I am going to keep learning and growing from all of this. God has a plan. I just don’t know what it is yet.
Maybe his plan, is what has been happening around you the past couple years.....
???
Think about it...
He has given you the perfect situation, to fix yourself...
My ex used to laugh at some of them. I do though get the hyper-real dreams fairly regularly of all sorts and wake up and try to sort out what was a dream and what was real.