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Personally I think the best thing you can do right now is focus on you and your kids. I think the kindest thing to do for your w is to leave her to her own devices . You do need an emotional break from all this. Xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Hi Gordie, thanks for stopping by. I don't have much to offer that hasn't been said but just wanted to let you know I'm still following along and think of you and your kids.

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Gordie,

Focus only on yourself and your kids. It takes a while (months) once they dropped the OW/OM to be able to see an improvement (if any) in the situation (not seeing you as the person responsible to make their life so miserable). So try to keep your expectation down to nothing, I went through so many "high" before dropping to so minus 100 after he dropped OW2. Detachment is tough but it's a life saver, fake it until it comes ...

Even now, while he is talking about our future, I stay very cautious inside my mind.
What you went though will change you, because at one point when the situation calms down, the anger will start to rise... out of nowhere like a tsunami from time to time.

Somehow they need to process what they went through and realize that their actions were their own decisions and de facto stop blaming you for them. Be ready for some depression/withdraw/and other crazy reactions from her, she might try to make you react with some nasty words/comments, for once again to justify what she did. Don't take the bait, stay calm and leave the room. Don't give her anything to chew on!

Set up your boundaries and expectations, live your live, enjoy your kids and friends.


Me 52+ WH 57+
Married 20 +
Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
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Just chiming in to say that i am now in this EXACT same situation as you are Gordie... We are neither here nor there and trying to live together as friends/roommates is a HUGE challenge and i am not sure if i have the emotional stamina to keep this going just yet.

I wish i had some advice for you but i do not, or else i'd take it myself lol frown

How often have i wondered, if only she KNEW what i was thinking, but trying to reason with her and explain things (which i was always great at actually) is really the worst thing you can do. SOMETIMES, when she has a VERY lucid moment, it seems like some of the things i am saying get through to her. Do they stick though? I don't think so...

Hang in there, time will tell either way i suppose!

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Hi Gordie - catching up on your story and I see a lot has developed in your situation since I last was here. I can’t add much to what the others have already said but I continue to be amazed at the excellent support and advice that is offered here. Priceless!

I do have one comment though and it relates to something you said a bit earlier in your thread:

Quote:
I hear what you are saying and I see now how I failed her: lack of attention, lack of support, lack of passion. I was happy and on autopilot and too blind to see she was unhappy and in crisis. My changes were too little and too late.



I can somewhat relate to your comments in my own life (autopilot, lack of attention, support and passion). I wasn’t guilty of this - we BOTH were guilty. We had a great relationship in many respects but there were some clouds on the horizon none the less. It took a long time for me to notice the clouds - I was happy enough and assumed my H was too. He never once gave any indication he was unhappy in the marriage until his chance encounter with someone who is now his OW. If I was aware our M was deep in trouble I would have made endless efforts to get it back on track. H, on the other hand, took the easy way out and tossed away a marriage that by his own admission was 80% great and 20% not great. It was an incredibly selfish move on his part with total disregard for the devastating consequences to me. So who failed who here? I would have to say that we were equally to blame for the problems but the question is still - who failed who? My H failed me terribly by not giving us an opportunity to work on a decent marriage that had problems that could have been remedied if both of us were willing to put in the effort.

Can you relate to any of what I’m saying in your own situation? If you can, then you need to stop saying you ‘failed her’ and stop blaming yourself.

There is also another consideration here - that MLC cannot be prevented, circumvented, diverted, escaped from, etc. etc. The roots of MLC go way back (childhood, teen years), and it was coming no matter who the MLCer is married to. The most perfect spouse in the world could not stop a MLC from happening. Again, not your fault, not your failure.

So in the end, even if I had seen those clouds on the horizon as soon as they appeared, and got to work on fixing things, it’s very doubtful that it would have changed the outcome I’m dealing with today.

Take care Gordie - stop blaming yourself for your wife's decisions. You are a solid guy and you deserved much better than you got. I’ll be following along.


Gal Pal

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Job/Mach—working hard at your homework...trying to see her with new eyes...tying to take time to heal...trying to keep expectations at zero. The expectations part is the hardest. I thought after she dropped the D and OM2 we’d be working on our R but that is clearly not the case.

Butterfly—spot on as always...have done my best to back off...way off...and my emotions have been on overdrive...so trying to take a step back and regain my balance...I like the way you position this as kindness because I think I sometimes see “leaving her to work on herself” is somehow unkind.

Sky high—thank you for your words of wisdom. I should read your thread. Detachment and faking it until I make it? Yes, I’m still trying. And cautious? You bet I am. When she talks of the future, I mainly listen because I have no idea what to say. I’m trying to take one day at a time. I can’t wven make spring break or summer vacation plans with her because I have no idea where I will be in the coming months.

Neutral—I have no idea what she is thinking...yes, sometimes she says or does things that make me think she hears me, and other times not so much.

Gal pal—yes, I do accept my guilt in our situation but I am no longer taking all the blame and yes, she crossed the adultery boundary. That was my boundary. She knew it and she crossed it. And that’s when something inside me died.

I’ll journal when I have more time.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Hi Gordie, just on the backing off thing. I can remember reading a very wise post on this forum a couple of years ago. The big message was around stepping back and realising that others will take their own journey in their own way - And that we will do the same. We may not know what is best for them - or even for ourselves and it is important to recognise and respect that there is dignity in taking our own paths and dealing with our own struggles. Ie: it isn't mean, and it is a loving (if difficult) thing to do.

Sounds like you are generally in a pretty good place - all things considered :-)


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Journaling:

It’s been 2 weeks since she dropped the D and OM2. I haven’t been writing here because I don’t really know what to say. Stepping back from the cliff, I realize how much stress I have been under since last September when she told me about OM2 and making her wedding plans and introducing him to our children and negotiating the final D terms. I couldn’t handle it any longer which drove me to my ultimatum (and I meant it).

So for the first few days after that, my expectations were high that we’d be reconciling and piecing...but that is not the case. After a few days of futile pursuit, I have taken the advice here and backed off. Things are better now that I have backed off. I am back in th friend zone. We can be in the same room and it’s not awkward or uncomfortable.

W has been selectively participating in more family activities. She wants to be invited to things but not pressured to attend. Kids always want her to attend but they too don’t expect her to do so all the time. W gets frustrated when I don’t remind her of kid events (even though she has access to the same calendars).

W’s old friend that she reached out to declined to get together. She burnt some bridges so not totally surprised but I do wish that she had some pro-M influences around her. W has not been going out with her divorced friends either. She has basically been working or at home. Around the house, she has been cooking and cleaning more.

Physically, we are still in separate bedrooms. I’ll get a hug or a kiss on the cheek maybe once or twice a day. We are far away from anything sexual.

Given that her phone hasn’t been blowing up, I think Roist may be right about OM2 dumping her. She hasn’t told and I haven’t asked.

Last week, she slipped and fell on the ice and she thought she had seriously injured herself. She called me at work and I came home to take care of her, take her to the doctor, etc. The doctor kept saying what a great H I was. That was a little awkward.

My plans from here: keep expectations low, keep giving her time and space, no R talks, no pursuit. No pursuit is hard. Do I buy her a Valentine’s Day gift? Should I ask her out on a date? Spring break is usually when we have a weekend away and neither of us have spoken of it.

I am reminded always of Cali—the ghost of Christmas future—and realize this may be just one big touch and go. That helps me keep expectations low. Trying to live one day at a time because that’s all I can do.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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No Valentine's Day gift.
Absolutely NOT.

You can do something special for the family that she can participate in IF SHE CHOOSES. Make it clear that she's included, but leave it up to her.

Make it something that the kids will love, so that you will have a great day with your beautiful children REGARDLESS OF WIFE'S PARTICIPATION/LACK THEREOF.

That would be the extent of it.

Gordie, anything else is pursuit. Are you forgetting that the old marriage is dead and gone? That if anything is to work out for you and W it will need to be a NEW relationship with new traditions? For something new to come into being you have to let the old go. Does this make sense? I"m sorry I am coming off much harder with the 2x4 than I mean to. I don't mean to hurt your feelings here. Just because her R with OM2 isn't on right now and the D was dropped - didn't she say she couldn't pause it, she could only move forward or drop it legally? - doesn't mean she's committed to your marriage. She's been very clear that she doesn't know what she wants.

Pay attention to this.

From my perspective the best thing you can do for your family, your own mental and emotional wellbeing and actually for W as well is to focus entirely on yourself right now. Complete your own inner journey. Find out who you are separate from this marriage. Find out what's important to you. What is it you want and how do you want to live your life now and later when your kids are grown and on their own? What makes Gordie tick? Do you have core principles that you live by? What are they? What do they mean to you? How do you practice them in your daily life? How do you embody them? What are you doing for GAL activities?

Focus more on you. Leave her to keep baking. The only thing you have any control over ever is yourself and your responses.

I hope this helps.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Oct 2016
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Gord, I guess they say this is like a marathon for a reason. It's hard to say which mile marker you are at, but I know that the finish line is a long ways off. The comments from roist and cali are good on here because they can give us real life stories of what happened when their wives either came home or stayed home and what we should expect.

The comments from the women are just as good, because let's face it...we will never understand women. They can tell us what she might be thinking/feeling.

I know you are a busy guy because of having to fill more than one role at home, but how's your GAL'ing going? (church, gym, hobbies, friends, etc.)

I helped teach my daughters confirmation class yesterday and the lesson was on the Cardinal and the Theological Virtues. When I was studying them I thought about you and a many others on here...Remember that some of the virtues we should have are Faith, Hope and Love...You, my brother, embody these virtues and are an inspiration to many on here because of you perseverance.

Stay strong my friend, but most importantly keep your faith.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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