Thanks a ton for all of the support. Credit Mach for my new title. As Butterfly suggested, I met with my d b coach to talk things out in more depth. And as AndrewP suggested, I have also been consulting with my IRL friends who have also provided me with love and support along this journey.
New readers: in the last thread, we were on the brink of D and separation when W dropped OM2 and the D complaint. I’ve been trying to figure out if I should stay in the house or move out. W doesn’t want to be D, but she is still a long way from wanting to be M to me.
Notes from my D B call:
1. She’s still baking. She’s not paying attention to you. Everything is still about her. She’s got a lot more work to do on her own. Good sign that she could see through the fog that OM2 and D were not the answer to her problems. You can’t do anything to make her feel remorseful or want to recommit to the M. She has to come to that on her own.
2. Your LRT has made things better so keep doing what you have been doing. Do not pursue! Do not initiate R discussions or physical contact. Make her pursue you. She wants sex? Make her beg for it. Have no expectations.
3. You are really stressed out. You have considered all the pros and cons of staying and moving out. You are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. I’m concened about the kids if you move out. What will you say to them? They have asked you to stay.
4. Give yourself breathing room to calm down and collect yourself. It’s been less than a week since she dropped the D and OM2. You don’t have to make the decision today. Deciding not to decide is a decision. Make a decision when you feel you can make the right decision...for you and the kids.
5. Don’t stay or go because I told you to do so or anyone else did. Yes, this is a big decision so you need to own it. Let it be your decision. What does Gordie want? And you can change your mind. What you want today may be different in a week or a month.
6. Can you handle staying? This situation could last for a long time. How will you know when it's too much for you?
***
So the short answer is I’m not moving out tomorrow. I’m not ready to make that decision today. I know it goes against all of your hard earned wisdom, but I’m just not ready. I’m still a jumble of emotions—including fear—and it’s not a good place to make a big decision. But deciding today that I’m not deciding...lifted a weight off my shoulders. I feel better than I have all week.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Another observation from my d b coach: w see s my self control as a lack of passion. She wanted me to fight OM2. She likes it when we get in screaming matches. But that’s just not me.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I think not deciding now sounds right. Too much pressure on that decision. Take your advice to me...take a break from it for a couple days. We both should! We've earned it!
Have the kids asked you not to? I can't remember if you've said that previously or not.
DnJ—Thanks, definitely hanging in here. I do feel more hopeful about my situation than I have in many months. Your note reminding me that many here wish their spouses would do what my w did—drop their OM/OW and drop their D complaints—reminded me of that. However, my expectations were off. I thought like sandi2 or txhubby said, this would come along with great remorse and begging to do anything to make this work. Instead it’s just this “D is not in my self interest”—still cold and selfish.
SJohn6–Yes, one of my sons has been quite adamant that I stay. He like others here thinks w should move it if she wants space, but she won’t. W was a SAHM and the primary parent for many years. I have stepped up my game big time to be the dad I should have always been. This is Gordie 2.0 which is better for all and my coach asked me a lot of hard questions about what would be best for the kids.
Butterfly—a million thank you s. When you wrote that, I called to set up the appointment. It’s exactly what I needed. Coach had actually warned me that my “master of brinksmanship” may be the type of drop the d at the last minute and that’s exactly what she did.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
It is good that you take your time to decide see where it all goes
What if we really have no control either way-
We all make the best choice we can in all situations weighing all the pros and cons, and usually as we look back it seems things usually work the way they are suppose to..and for the good
WE become the best person we can be in any situation and the situation will take care of itself
all we have to do is let go.. trusting . and moving forward listening for clues following our heart and letting all things evolve as they will
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I am very glad you contacted your DB Coach. He/she sees some of what we see in your wife at the moment.
At least you've made a decision, i.e., whether to stay or move out. That was weighing on your mind for a while. You will know, if and when the time comes whether to stay or go. You will know when you've had enough.
For now, keep the focus on you and your children. You've given this woman a lot of head space w/o paying rent. She has a lot of growing up to do and she needs time and space to do so...no pressure!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
