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Joined: Jun 2017
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Hey, DB Land!

It's been a while, but I think I'm ready to come back.

I've been busy getting my life in order (paying off debt, fixing stuff around the house, refinancing my mortgage). I've continued meeting with my NGS support group, who've really taught me a lot about myself.

Another thing I've been dealing with is evicting my XW from my head. These aren't thoughts of wanting her back, but thoughts that I'm still playing this game of one-upmanship that developed during the D process. And I'm dealing with my frustration and anger that XW doesn't respect my boundaries and the terms of our decree (dropping off the kids at the proper time, consulting me on important decisions, etc.).

My IC told me I needed to find a way to let XW go, to give her back to God. So about a month ago I passed by the church where we were married (which is in another state). I lit candles for myself, my two boys, and my XW. I told God I'd done the best I could, I tried to save my M, and it just wasn't enough. I asked for all 4 of us to find some peace and move on from this pain. It's helped a little.

The roller coaster ride is not over yet, and the occasional trigger hits me like a knife to the side, a quick jab that goes in and out.

I was heavily into online dating for a while, and I had some choice experiences that made me realize, while I do enjoy dating and know I want a relationship, I'm not ready for super serious stuff right now. Meeting people's kids was too much for me. I've also learned I'm not built for hookups. I think I hurt someone in the process, and I'm not proud of that.

I got off the dating sites for a while, but now I'm back on, with more purpose and higher standards. I'm taking my time. I'm not in a rush. For a while I was setting myself a goal of a date a week, and I did meet that goal, but I ended up with a lot of people who weren't really my type. I suppose the upside is that I'm re-learning what my type is. The scary thing is that MANY aspects of my type are traits of XW (well, the positive traits she used to have).

I noticed (again) XW's dating profile on one of the sites, and she had a recent picture of herself and my two sons on there. (I don't have pics of my sons on my profile. I don't think it's appropriate.) I felt jealous and possessive - those are MY BOYS. I felt like she was using them to pimp herself out. Then I thought about another man looking at that pic, seeing my boys, meeting them, possibly becoming a part of their lives. I AM NOT READY FOR THAT.

Life moves on.

Thanks for listening.


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
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I agree with you 100 percent. Its inappropriate to put the pics of your young sons up. That is something i would take very seriously and ask her to remove. Single women with young kids are a target of pedophiles. Have her cross put their faces if she wants to use that pic. It is very reasonable for you to request that.

I especially hated it when guys put pics up of kids that werent even theirs. I always wonder if the mothers of those kids actually gave pernission for their kids pics to be up on a public dating site. Although less chance for female pedophiles i guess.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Joined: Jul 2017
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Hi H....welcome back! My old experience has not been good either so I like your idea of raising you ur standards. I think I might have met someone this time though that my have a future. I would suggest chatting with them longer to see if it is even worth meeting them.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: May 2017
Posts: 165
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H, Been awhile since we've heard from you! Just dropping in to say hi! Good job on raising your standards by the way!! You have a second chance, don't settle!!


Me 47 WW 44
T25 yrs M20
S18 S14 D12
Divorced 3/12/2018
Joined: Jun 2017
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Originally Posted by JujuB
I agree with you 100 percent. Its inappropriate to put the pics of your young sons up. That is something i would take very seriously and ask her to remove. Single women with young kids are a target of pedophiles. Have her cross put their faces if she wants to use that pic. It is very reasonable for you to request that.

I especially hated it when guys put pics up of kids that werent even theirs. I always wonder if the mothers of those kids actually gave pernission for their kids pics to be up on a public dating site. Although less chance for female pedophiles i guess.


JujuB, the thing with the pic is, it only shows a profile of each of my boys, as they're both kissing her on the cheek. So I guess it's not a real clear pic of them and maybe I can't justifiably ask her to remove it. But it still bugs me.

Originally Posted by Joseph9
Hi H....welcome back! My old experience has not been good either so I like your idea of raising you ur standards. I think I might have met someone this time though that my have a future. I would suggest chatting with them longer to see if it is even worth meeting them.


Hey, J9! I was reading your thread a while ago, and I saw your XW had apparently been seeing someone you didn't know about. Sorry to hear about that.

How long do you recommend chatting? I usually go about a week and then ask to meet at that point. I'm reluctant to chat too much, as you can build a rapport with a person online and have it totally fizzle in person.

Originally Posted by dusty70
H, Been awhile since we've heard from you! Just dropping in to say hi! Good job on raising your standards by the way!! You have a second chance, don't settle!!


Dusty, my man! Good to hear from you! We were always on parallel paths. I don't intend to settle, not again, and my OLD experience has solidified that. If anything, I'm starting to come to terms with the possibility of "forever alone".

I noticed your new thread in the D forum too - is your XW still trying to shift the blame to you?


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
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H.....I agree I have not been a chatter and every girl so far I have tried to meet ASAP so I could cut to the chase and find out if there is attraction. Usually I have sent about 4 messages back and forth then suggested we meet. I have had 5 dates in a couple of months and they all have not worked out.

The girl I am currently talking to we have been chatting for a week.........partially because she was on vacation last week. This is more than I ever wanted to but it just kind of happened so we have a date set for tomorrow so we shall see if we have the chemistry.

The one thing I do no is it can get expensive so I would keep it to coffee if you can for the first meeting. It will save your bankroll. I have not been good at this!


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 826
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Originally Posted by Joseph9
H.....I agree I have not been a chatter and every girl so far I have tried to meet ASAP so I could cut to the chase and find out if there is attraction. Usually I have sent about 4 messages back and forth then suggested we meet. I have had 5 dates in a couple of months and they all have not worked out.


Wow. You move fast! But you know, woman are all different (since they're people too smile ), and some want to get right to the meeting, while others want to take their time.

Originally Posted by Joseph9
The girl I am currently talking to we have been chatting for a week.........partially because she was on vacation last week. This is more than I ever wanted to but it just kind of happened so we have a date set for tomorrow so we shall see if we have the chemistry.


Good luck! I think a week is a good sweet spot for chatting.The thing is, it doesn't have to be 10 messages a day. You don't want to be too available.

Originally Posted by Joseph9
The one thing I do no is it can get expensive so I would keep it to coffee if you can for the first meeting. It will save your bankroll. I have not been good at this!


I hear ya! I had one week where I had three dates. My wallet was not happy at the end of that week.


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
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A lot of experts say meet asap. I would say though that since women are emotional creatures you can get them in an semi EA just by texting with them for a week or so before you meet. If the attraction is mutual when you meet then it is a done deal with her because you already have her emotionally hooked.

The downfall is that you run the risk of wasting time texting and/or you kill the attraction by being too available or by running out of things to say. If she is really into you though I don’t think any of it matters. So it depends on the woman.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,866
Likes: 1
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All women are different. I think enough of a conversation to make sure that each of you is legit.(as opposed to some dude from nigeria) And then a small meet up for coffee, a walk around the park, or a quick cocktail to determine if you want to go on a date is enough...

I have heard from some women they dont like feeling like they need to interview for a date. For me, i dont want to invest time in someone i am not interested in.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 826
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JuJuB, do you think a week is too long?


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
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