Hey GB, thanks for stopping by and the warm welcome. Boundaries are a work in progress for me. I'm trying but I need to do much better.
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Ok, so I've got a blunt but sincere question for the ladies here: Do you pull "$h1t tests"?
In a lot of my reading, I see these tests described as a universal female trait. I find that hard to believe, but then again I have a history of NGS, so I may be broken in that regard.
I'd love to get feedback on the concept of these tests, how often you've used them, and if it's a conscious effort or something that naturally arises from the situation without you realizing it.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
I'm feeling down today and I don't really know why.
Last night XW was at S11's orchestra solo. She asked me if I noticed her shorter haircut. I honestly hadn't until she mentioned it. She looks so different to me. We didn't say much to each other. When she left, she actually told me bye. It was weird, as it was such a different persona from the one I deal with on OFW. All in all, I spent about 30 minutes in her presence. I haven't been around her this long since December.
For the second week in a row, my court appointment to have the final decree signed by the judge has been delayed, because the documents aren't ready (lawyer issues). I'm really getting tired of the delays. I want this over.
Two weeks ago I stood in front of a judge to get a date for the decree to be signed, and the judge told me my D was granted. So I'm in this weird limbo where it's granted but not signed. I feel like I need the decree to be signed for it to be real. I don't know why. Maybe it comes from being detailed oriented.
I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for the M. There are so many "why" questions. Why did I want to be with XW? Why did I ignore the red flags early in our R? Why was I such a pushover? Why did I tolerate a bad M? After BD, why did I still want to save the M? Why did I want to save it after I found out about OM?
I'm still trying to make sense of things, when maybe there's no sense to be made.
I know I need to GAL, keep myself busy, and "work on myself". I meet up with friends a lot, and I've actually made a decent amount of guy friends through my NGS support group.
Maybe just interacting with XW has put me in this funk.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Hey GB, thanks for stopping by and the warm welcome. Boundaries are a work in progress for me. I'm trying but I need to do much better.
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Ok, so I've got a blunt but sincere question for the ladies here: Do you pull "$h1t tests"?
In a lot of my reading, I see these tests described as a universal female trait. I find that hard to believe, but then again I have a history of NGS, so I may be broken in that regard.
I'd love to get feedback on the concept of these tests, how often you've used them, and if it's a conscious effort or something that naturally arises from the situation without you realizing it.
Frankly I haven't a clue what you are asking about!
So I guess the answer is ......
WTF
Do guys do that stuff?
You know from this board and as long as you keep posting in surviving that the gals have as much trouble as the guys in dating.
We are the same and different.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
V, thanks for responding on the "$h1t test" (aka "fitness test") question. It's certainly not something I do, and not something done by men, as far as I can tell. I've been getting feedback that it's not something the majority of women do, so that's good to hear.
Reading the D forum here is good, as I'm getting a lot of female perspective on things (moreso than the Newcomers forum). I'm somewhat cynical about the opposite sex right now, so I'm getting great exposure to the other side of the coin, post-D.
Now my new date to be final is in a week and a half. I hope this one sticks.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Holding - there is a really great Mark Manson post on $hit tests on his website and how to deal with them as a mature and emotionally strong individual. It really helped me understand and differentiate between women doing these tests vs. just being curious and wanting to get to know you. Check his stuff out. His relationship stuff is quite good too.
This phase is to learn about connection. Games of any kind get in the way of it.
If I am honest prior to the G, my R with the men in my life were fairly bright and breezy. I had many lovely men in my life, aged pa, H1 who died and especially H2 who is more a friend than a lover.
Getting to meet the opposite sex wasn't difficult IRL. But my dating experience is zero. All my R have started with friendship. So actually I don't know how to date. My one and only OLD contact was really gross. I have a gf who tells me that at least 50% of the guys send her pictures of parts of their anatomy. And my glam sis says only one in ten guys are even polite.
You are therefore great potential dates and you can be sure there will be lots of choice, even though as I understand the guys out numbered the girls.
Go to a target rich environment, dancing, meetups etc. Go where the lively normal peeps go. Smile and talk. Make it clear you are looking for a date, get a number. Give yourself a choice so you aren't invested. And it's dating, hooking up and having fun.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
M, thanks for pointing me to Mark Manson. I read the post you mentioned, and its message really spoke to me - if you allow yourself to be vulnerable but have really strong boundaries, the $h1t tests are nothing to be concerned with. I like that.
V, you're right. Games will not get us anywhere. I think honestly and being myself are the best approaches.
About OLD, I haven't gotten into that yet, and I'm really not sure if I ever will. I have heard that guys outnumber girls by a huge margin. On the other hand, LH19 recently posted in J9's thread that in real life, eligible guys in middle age have a much larger pool of women to choose from that their female peers.
V, you mention how all your R's have started as friendship. But then you recommended that I go to a "target rich environment" and make it clear I'm looking for a date. Are these 2 things not at odds with each other?
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Not at all in conflict. If you go to a target rich environment, chat to lots of targets, get friendly with those you like, ask them for coffee. Be a friend first and then move to building a network.
We are not talking here about singling someone from the crowd, Ie going on the pull. The target rich environment could be a book lovers meetup group, a cooking class, dancing classes.....
Somewhere women go to socialise and you can socialise too. Try hiking....... there are meetups for all sorts of things, food, activities, learning, exercise,
So a male drink bar won't do it.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I just met someone through OLD that i have been dating for 6 months. He was actually the first OLD date i went on. I really read through the profiles though. I only responded to him because he wrote a lot, and was very clear that he was looking for a traditional and long term relationship.
As a single mom, I dont know how i would have actually had time to meet someone elsewhile. With OLD, at least you know the posters are looking for dating. It makes it easier because you are all there with the same goal. Easy way to cut to the chase.
