Answering the Call

[LouR]

Hi HaWho,

Sending you huge big hugs and endless love your way.

Everyone who has been through this is giving you great advice, I can only give you my support, so know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Love n Hugs xoxo

[roist]

Ha who.

I have not been around much but you are in my thoughts. Best wishes.

I am sorryfor your sons but not for you. I thinkonce the dust settles and the current stresses are sorted, this change could be better thanhhow things were.

Don't buy into his version of things.

I wish you well. Remember this too will pass.

[ciluzen]

Disney Dad. Teenager thinking.

Yep, HaWho. I know its upsetting and mind boggling to watch someone push away from family and responsibilities and then suddenly need the children as play mates. I think they see it as that...playmates.

Like you, I stayed home for years. I spent every day with my kids and had great times with them as well as trying times; it's not all fun and games. He saw the fun parts, though. He was a great dad on weekends...as long as the kids were doing what he was interested in. But XH did say he would trade positions with me gladly if I could bring in as much money as him.

Whatever. So he plays the cool uncle to other people's kids and tries to be Disney Dad to our own adult children. There's no responsibility there; just fun. And that seems to be part of the MLC. They need playmates; someone to make them happy, needed, and enjoyed. They need to feel worth and value as a person; not just as a working man. They need to not be weighed down with adult responsibility or weighty decisions and negative emotions. Stress. So...Disney Dad.

We are the parent. Our MLCer is the rebelling teen, out to have fun and double-middle fingers to our face if we put pressure on them or question their acts. They'll try to get the kiddos to align against the parent (just like in every kid movie) by being fun. Think, the Lost Boys of Peter Pan or Brando in The Wild One.

"What are you rebelling against?"
"Whaddya you got?"

My kids are older. They have adult responsibilities. My oldest has a husband, three jobs plus a business with her H. Youngest works and has a boyfriend. He doesn't fully understand why they won't always play with him when he wants to play.

HaWho, you will get through this process. Your kids will see your stablity as the responsible parent they can turn to when times get heavy, and Disney Dad will be revealed to them. Let them enjoy their time with him. And make sure you have a little fun, too. Things will even out eventually.

[BrightFuture]

HaWho, I’m so sorry you have to go through more nonsense with your H. You have a lot of patience, but please, please, please enforce your boundaries. He thinks he can walk over you and get what he wants, even if his own layer tells him otherwise.

The boys are the most vulnerable here. I agree with kml, that ironically they are finally receiving some attention from their father. I just hope that there will not be a hard crush at some point when his attitude switches and he no longer wants to be a Disney Dad.

I also agree with bttrfly and job about the notes and document things. Take as many notes as possible. It could help you through the process and keep your h in check. He reminds me of xh of one of the posters on this board - “wishing hoping”. Her H was trying to manipulate the system and turn the kids on his side. Didn’t quite work his way on everything.

I noticed that you refer to your h as ex already. I guess it is all done deal in your mind. If this is the case, it should give you even more strength to stand up to his nonsense and protect yourself and your kids.

Sending you lots of hugs.

[mleigh4]

I have been thinking about you. How are you HW?

[HaWho]

Gal, DNJ, Mleigh, KYH, KML, Bttrfly, Job, Exquisite, Lou, Roist, Cil and Bright thank you all so very much for the amazing support and advice. Yes, I document.

My sister was here this week and offered me amazing support. She cooked for me and tidied up my house and helped me in so, so many ways.

As for how things are over here; it's chaotic. We have a court date this week to try to set a schedule. Right now my ex shoots completely from the hip. He sets the schedule directly with the kids, has switched weekends on me without even communicating it to me (just dropped them here on his weekend and then informed me the next weekend that he was taking that one). He's told them what the custody breakdown should be and now they tell me that same thing. It's an all out nightmare. He just does not think rules apply to him.

We agreed I would give him any of his mail that arrived here. I was waiting on checks I ordered and they weren't coming. Then I noticed other mail wasn't arriving. Yep, you guessed it: he forwarded all our joint mail to himself. I told him I needed those checks and had a legal right to them still. He gave them to me but it's all about his rules and his control. He didn't even inform me of the forward or that the checks arrived! How am I supposed to function like this? He literally does whatever he wants whenever he wants.

He feels it's unsafe that my garage bay door is open. So, if the kids are with me, he waits until someone closes it. One time he waited in my driveway honking until someone closed it. Control, control and control. And what a world class jerk.

Another way rules are for others and not him? When I called about the checks he mentioned the assets and debts form and told me this whole form was to be taken as "just an estimate." That is not my lawyer's stance. I was told the court does not look favorably on withholding assets.

I told him he has to report things. I know of a few things he's left off the list. How do I know? Am I a Cracker Jack forensic accountant? No. When he first asked for a divorce he wrote me a letter telling me about a certain asset and asked to keep it in exchange for other assets. Then he left that asset off his forms altogether. I still have the letter. Brilliant.

Anyway, when I said he had to report things accurately, he asked me which items he wanted me to report! UNBELIEVEABLE! He wanted me to tell him what lies I knew he was telling. I said "let's start will all assets." He slammed the phone down on me.

Yeah, so life is kind of a slog right now. I am hoping this court mediator will see that this is all insane and help put some rules and boundaries in place.

Emotions are spilling out of the kids. There are sweet, loving moments. There is also lots of anger coming out sideways at me. KML - thank you for saying they are testing the safe parent.

I was at s12's game yesterday and S14 texted me asking to uber 30 miles on the highway by himself to go to a party. He is 14! I said no and he said he would not talk to me for a week and that he wanted to be with his dad all week. Guess this is the new norm. Every time he is unhappy he'll threaten this? The behaviors are so similar to ex's.

Ex was not such a present parent when the kids were young. I shouldered 95% of the child rearing. He always told me that he'd be really good when the kids were older, that he'd shine in those years. Ugh.

Ex was not at s12's game last night. S12 was invited to play on a different team last minute. So ex called s afterwards but said he was in a place that was too loud to talk. I know he's out there hitting the scenes. He is that 50 year old guy that makes you cringe. Sometimes I still cannot believe this is him. Again, it's the new norm.

I know this too shall pass. I know better days are coming my way. I will get through this.

[job]

I am so sorry he's acting out. It's all about control and making you pay for whatever wrong he thinks you need to be punished for. He's angry at everything and everyone. He's angry that he moved out, but that was his decision, not yours.

As for the mail issue, gosh, I went thru that w/my xh for a while. It's not easy dealing w/them when they are like this.

I am so happy that your sister came to visit. You needed her support and she was there to assist anyway that she can. At least she was able to see just what he's up to these days and how the boys are reacting.

Yes, children will play one parent against the other and threaten to go stay w/the other parent. Your son is testing the waters w/you to see just how far he can go.

I hope that you can get some things settled this week when it comes to visitation for the boys.

As for discussing assets w/him...keep what you know about what he's not disclosed close to the vest until it's time to reveal all. Don't tell him anything about the assets...he's a grown man and knows what he needs to be addressing. He fired you as his "accountant".

As for the garage door, I wouldn't give a fig if it's up or down when he comes and goes. Let him honk the horn. Eventually, someone will call the police on him for disturbing the peace. There is no law that says you need to close it. For that matter, he could close it himself. I would ignore him and do what I wanted about the door...after all, he's not living there at the moment.

I'm wishing you good luck now and hopefully, and I mean hopefully, you can get something in writing concerning visitation and try not to waffle w/it when it comes to him wanting to change dates. I know, he's an absolute control freak at the moment and it will only get worse before it gets better. His anger has to burn itself out and you need to try to step aside as much as possible for this to happen.

[mleigh4]

I would be so pi$$ed off if my mail was being redirected. The kids, the garage door, the assets.... He has really gone overboard! He has to eventually run out of steam though, right? I would also think the Disney dad routine will wear off too. The boys are going to need more than that and will realize it.

One of the biggest lessons I have learned through all this is to only deal with what you can control. His behavior, what he reports, what he tells the kids, that's all on him.

My 2 cents....Keep your side clean and continue to play fair, even though he isn't. He is only making himself look a fool to everyone. He is on a high right now, thinking he can control everything and everyone. I predict he will spin himself right out of control and crash.

You got this HW. It will pass. Hang in there, sending hugs and lots of support, strength and prayers your way.

M

[Gordie]

HaWho,

I’m so sorry. You are in the worst of times. I’m sorry s14 said what he did. You and I know he’s being rebellious but it can still hurt. Agree with advice above about not revealing everything you know. Protect yourself and the kids from this hurricane of madness. You are a strong woman. Might be a good time for a weekend away by yourself if H has the kids or with the kids if he doesn’t. It doesn’t have to be fancy but sometimes a change of scenery helps soothe the soul.

[Sotto]

Ugh, I'm sorry HaWho. It does sound like a difficult slog - huge hugs for you...

I loved your last statement - yes this is tough - yes you will get through it (with as much grace as you can manage I'm sure) - and yes, brighter, easier, more peaceful days do lie ahead.

And you will appreciate them so much in contrast to what is happening now. I'm reminded of the Stockdale Paradox as I'm writing this - if that helps you at all my lovely.

Do take care and just keep taking things a day at a time xxx