Answering the Call

[Ginger1]

So, why are you worried so much about his reactions?

Do your best to let them bounce off of you. He does not have control over you. He does not get to demand how everyone else's life is going to be because of what he wants.

If you 14 year old doesn't want to go there, then he doesn't want to. They found out within a weeks time that you guys are getting a divorce, their dad moved out, and they will have a part-time home. That is a h@lluva lot of transition and I don't blame your S for not wanting to go.

You are the advocate for your kids. I honestly wouldn't give two f*cks what your H wants or thinks or how he is going to react. Only proceed in a way which is best for your kids. And S14 is already letting you guys know what is best for him.

You don't need to fear his reactions anymore. With you as their advocate, I know your kids will get through this and you will be so much better off.

[HaWho]

Yes, the redoing of history is weird Bttrfly.

Ginger - I think living with him these last few years has been like an ongoing scene from the Wild Wild West. I just never knew what's going to happen next. Until he left I didn't really understand how much I was tied to his reactions. But I know the things he's going to react poorly to and honestly, I do have anxiety over them. I am sure it's a codependent tendency that I need to work through.

This whole thing has been handled so poorly. I would have accepted the divorce but just wish we could formulated a more sensible plan to ease the kids into this. Of course if we had that kind of relationship we probably would still be married.

But he's had this all set to go for a while now I believe, and he thought everything would go exactly according to his plan. But there are lots of moving parts. I know what s14 is feeling because he's been squeezing me the same way. And he's so lost in himself that he has absolutely no self awareness how abnormal his expectations are. He's been salivating for his new place for so long that he's projected that the kids will be happy and excited for it, too.

My lawyer has said that his pace and tempo are crazy. And when things don't go his way he pitches fits in the most unbeleiveable fashion.

It hasn't even been a week! The kids are still in shock. S12 is thinking h will return. He is in shock and denial. He is angry and scared. S14 doesn't want to go there; maybe this will change with time and patience.

The thinking is bizarre. At first he approved therapy for only one of kids! He said the other was strong enough for this and therapy would weaken him. I pushed and he agreed to therapy for both but only "a little bit." Um, the amount they receive is based on what they need, not on a number you pick out of the air. This is what I am working with.

I know you are right that h's concerns are no longer my business. Lord knows he doesn't treat me in a way that shows he cares too much as to how things impact me.

But I see his email in my inbox and I just feel the dread to open it. But I know anytime it's something that displeases him he'll pitch a fit. So I know it's always right around the corner. I do need to work on brushing it off. I know I do.

Thanks Ginger. You have always hit the nail on the head. Just need to work on this.

[kml]

Do you think his push for 50% custody is primarily about not having to pay child support? Is your income close enough to his that you could afford to forgo child support? It's often not a wise decision financially, but some do decide to forgo child support in return for increased custody.

Of course, at 14, the courts would go along with your son's wishes and only order perhaps every other weekend visitation if he didn't want to be at his dad's 50%. Once the 12 year old is 13 I believe the same would be true in most places.

But also it's likely that your H won't follow through on 50% custody for long - after all, it's not like he's been spending a lot of time with the boys in the last few years anyway.

[HaWho]

KML - His income is very significantly higher than mine. I just returned to full time work the last year. (I was part-time before then.) And I am not making what I used to make. So I can't forgo child support and I assume he can't get out of it with his earnings. I was a SAHM for the whole marriage which is probably why he's claiming it ended in 2015. Still waiting to hear numbers and that is very stressful.

Right now, the breakdown he is proposing for a temporary custody schedule is him having 44% custody. My lawyer wants to push for him having 25%. That's a big divide and I am trying to understand what this all entails if we can't agree.

And I actually liked the preliminary schedule (the one where I have 56% because I have 3 weekends of the month plus every Monday.) Then we alternate the weekdays. But when s14 said he didn't want to go, we had to change gears. The lawyer wants to push for him having 25% which is every other weekend, alternating Wednesdays and therapy right away. Again, this is based on s14 not wanting to go. Maybe s14 would warm up to the change over time?

I am trying to understand how this whole process works if my 14 year old does not want to go. What happens to s12 in all this?

This part is very, very stressful and confusing.

[bttrfly]

Absolutely therapy immediately

[CaliGuy]

Hang in there HaWho .... its a tough pill for everyone to swallow. I know with my son it took some adjustments and tweaking before he was comfortable with it ... I think part of the trick there was to involve him and make him as much a part of the decision process as you can...Even if he only thinks he has a say in it its a HUGE deal there.

[kml]

So I can't forgo child support and I assume he can't get out of it with his earnings.

I'm not so sure this is true - I thought there was no child support if you split the time 50:50? And I'm assuming that's why he wants so much custody. Spousal support on the other hand will be based on the difference between your incomes and the duration of the marriage. He won't be able to claim the marriage ended in 2015 when you still lived together and shared finances. (haha - if the end of the marriage was determined by when sex stopped then LOTS of people would be unmarried!)

Also - remember you want to make sure the duration of the marriage is at least 10 years, that's the magic number for being able to collect social security based on half of his benefit instead of all of yours if 1/2 of his is more.

[Ginger1]

I understand sometimes patterns are hard to get out of. I am still working on some. I just wanted to stop by and remind you that you don't have to fear him. You always did fear his reactions, because yes, they are off the wall. But now, he has zero control over you.

In CA, a 14 year old will be heard and will be heavily considered regarding where he wants to live. 14 is kind of an arbitrary number, because the courts will hear a 12 year old too, if there is really good reasoning. Your one son may live with you full time, and your younger one should really be having an input. There is certainly obvious reasoning as to why your kid should have say, because your ex has done some nutty stuff. Have you talked to your younger son yet about what he sees as the best case custody schedule.

As for child support and 50/50 custody. With 50/50, the higher earner will still pay. Salary is considered in the equation.

It is something to navigate, negotiate and not have a decision be made this minute. And if those kids don't want to go over there right now, they don't have to. And with your kids ages and your ex's instability, I would not be pushing the kids to do anything they don't feel comfortable with right now. Let them decide until you guys have something hammered out.

[HaWho]

Thanks Bttrfly, Cali and KML.

Cali - thing is? It's just as Ginger says. My h wants no input he just wants everything to go his way. And neither of the kids feels safe saying anything to do so he thinks they are a-ok with all this. He's so lost that he has no clue that this is a BIG change in their lives.

KML - LOL on claiming the marriage is over when the couple stops having sex.

KML - Ohhh. Yes, that must be why he wants 50/50 custody then. I will raise the child support breakdown issue with my lawyer. This is all so sudden to the kids -and as I said s14 has voiced hesitation.

We have been married 17 1/2 years. H claims we've been married 15 1/2 years. And in his financial papers he shows assets should be divided up to that 15 1/2 year date. And yet? Yesterday he told me we should file joint. I know nothing about taxes so I have no idea if we're legally separated that we even can file joint?

And of course, I need to talk to someone about what's in my best interest here. H has some stocks that he wants to hold on to for a few years due to tax purposes, then split them as a marital asset and hence (he says) the reason we should file joint.

I find it interesting that he claims we've been separated since 2015 and yet wants to file joint. If it benefits him he claims we're married.

[AndrewP]

Hmmmm - some math here.

In Canada - not sure what it is there - there's a thing called "the rule of 65" - where if age plus years together are greater than 65 then there is indefinite spousal support, especially for a SAHM.

I was fortunate to negotiate a sunset clause on my spousal support.