Answering the Call

[LoisB]

Ha,

You are in the thick of it. This s--ks and there's really no way around it. You get through it, and you find yourself to be a different person afterwards--a stronger person. Not that I would wish the experience on anyone else, but I do feel I became a pretty bad-ss mom/woman after running this gauntlet.

You aren't dealing with a rational adult. Don't expect him to respond as a rational adult.

Speak up. There was one point at our last divorce hearing... I had fired my attorney because I couldn't afford to keep him. I was sitting with Matt and his attorney in this teeny, dismal room. His attorney was explaining the tax situation and how we would take turns on claiming our daughter. I remember thinking, "This man hasn't seen his daughter in more than a year. He abandoned us. Why does he get to claim her at all?"

I KNOW now that it is protocol and a formula and there's nothing I could have done about the dependent claim. However, I actually regret not saying anything, not asking the question. I think it would have been cathartic for me to put that out there... This isn't fair. But, I kept my mouth shut and I think about it from time-to-time.

There are no stupid questions. Ask, ask, ask, put your thoughts and feelings out there, so that you don't carry the burden afterwards. It may not make a dam- bit of difference in the end, but stand up for what you know is right.

When my attorney filed, he filed using Abandonment and Abuse. That, in itself, gave me some peace-of-mind... it was the truth. The truth was put out there for everyone to see.

Take really good care of yourself right now. Maybe one act of selfcare daily that has nothing to do with the boys?

You will get to the other side. Tick off those boxes of what you absolutely have to get--then push it through. So much of this is formulaic---if you sense he won't live up to his half of the 50-50--let him have his way. The boys are old, or nearly enough, they can decide to avoid him if they choose. Unless, CA has some sort of mandatory visitation.

Let's say he gets 50-50 and you find it's too much for the boys, given their dad's current insanity. I'm thinking you could let the court know that the boys are struggling, backed up by a therapist's thoughts... just document, document, document when it comes to the boys. So, you can back up whatever is best for them. I took snapshots of all my text messages from Matt for a year. I took every post from this forum and saved it, so I could go back and revisit the crazy and details I may have forgotten--in case I needed to protect the girls.

Hang in there... go get a massage.

[LoisB]

And, bear in mind. He will regret every one of his nasty-a-- actions. Guarantee it. I've spoken to the dark side.

There will come a day, when he will wish more than anything else, that he could turn back time. He may never be able to face this dark side, admit what he did... but down deep, the man you married and the man, who loves you and your children... he will feel deeply ashamed.

He's a very sick person right now... and a part of him knows it. But, he set the train in motion and he can't stop it now.

[JujuB]

Loisb... i have primary custody. I fought for the right to declare dependents on my taxes every year, fot it and its only fair. Im the main provider It was a federal law, and would have been too much and too expensive to go there with the state vs federal argument had a judge actually ruled differently. I pointed this out to my over priced lawyers and they agreed and his lawyer ended up agreeing too. Wont work if its a close split in custody though.

[HaWho]

Ohh, in my next life may my MLCer be a vanisher. This is so much a part of my daily life I cannot even imagine not having an MLCer.

My ex is like a swarm of killer bees. Soooo much anger. He is a constant contact sort of fella. And he creates situations where he can fight with me. I swear this is something to witness. He continues to rage text me weekly. I ignore it all but it is something to behold.

Thanks Job, Gordie, Mleigh, Bttrfly, Sotto, Heather and Juju. Job - he is so over the top.

Gordie - we are using lawyers. My ex is way too irrational to mediate with. Let me remind you that he wanted me to just run everything by him without conferring with anyone. From the moment I obtained my own lawyer he has been trying to make my life as hard as possible.

Heather, it is very hard to imagine a time where he will regret this all. He really is a man on a mission. Once this divorce is settled he's going to have to find a new place to direct all his anger. It's also hard to imagine me caring that he regrets this. He is a walking landmine and that's how I have come to think of him. I just want to be free of him.

In other news my sil reached out to say she was sorry to hear the news. I told her I was surprised not to hear from anyone else on ex's side after 18 years. She said they were all afraid of ex's reaction to reaching out. She said she just didn't care; she was just doing the right thing.

A few weeks later MIL texted to say she was heartbroken at the news. I am sure SIL's reach-out guilted her. I told her it was ok as ex has been unwell a long while and for me there is some relief as he's been angry and difficult for years now. Radio silence from her. Meanwhile my family has not reached out to him at all. They have known he has been off for years and they are relieved this is coming to an end.

I am reconnecting with some old friends I lost touch with. I thought we lost touch due to getting busy. But this friend told me that she and her h quietly bowed out as ex was "unlikeable." Ouch. He is quite prickly these days.

He still tries to exert tons of control in all the silliest ways. Here's an example. S13 has his best friends' party this weekend. They are twins. H committed that he would take s to the party and these friends ran the date by my son to make sure he can make it. Now h says s can't miss his 6th grade basketball game as it would be "irresponsible." It's a silly 6th grade game. And these are his lifelong best friends. But I am good friends with the twins' mom and I swear he is sticking it to me. Awful what he is teaching our son.

And the manipulation is awful! S was moved up to a new, better team and this would be the first game. But this event was planned a month ago. S texted me saying "let's say you got a promotion and the next day you told your boss you have a birthday party. What would your boss think of you?"

Obviously this is not coming from a 6th grader. It is so sad that he put son up to writing that. This is the sort of thing that is par for the course for him. He will kill s13's love for basketball with this sort of stuff.

I will get through this. This is not the person I knew 20 years ago. I look forward to the day where we are unbound.

[job]

HaWho,

I am keeping you and your sons in my thoughts and prayers. He is over the top and is acting out, angry to the max, just like my xh was. My xh was one angry man from the time he got the draft separation papers (2 months after he left) and remained that way for about 2 1/2 years (divorce date). After the divorce, I didn't see him again for about 3 years and then he was acting "like a normal" human being with no anger...except when he would ask me for things from my home and I would say no and that's when the little snotty nose boy would come out to play. Now, I don't hear from him at all and it's a blessing! He's not the man I married.

I pray that you and your sons have a nice Easter and that your h will crawl back under that rock and stay there for a while.

[Coly23]

I don't know how you do it HaWho! I'm a snivelling wreck even with my lazy MLC'er!!

I think you have enough influence on your son's lives to ensure they don't turn out too much like H! This is all new for them still and they are finding their feet but they will soon learn when they realise he does not have their best interest at heart..

Hugs

[bttrfly]

Try to find that still quiet place within. That will be your refuge from the storm.

You're reminding me of that meme:

"Fate whispers to the warrior, "You cannot withstand this storm."
The warrior whispers back, "I AM the storm."

You got this !! xoxoxoxo

[Coly23]

Ooh love that bttrfly! "I am the storm". Sends shivers down my spine!

[ciluzen]

HaWho,

You're right...you will get through this. And no; he's probably not the guy you married 20 years ago.

There is a truly desperate feel to his actions and reactions. I wonder what's going on in his head? It feels from this distance as if he's just spinning and spinning; trying to grasp at any and everything that might be within his sight to possibly slow down his out-of-control merry-go-round. I bet that the calmer you are, the faster he goes. He's probably quite nauseated by now. Let him spin.

It will be interesting to see what happens with your STBX once its over and he has no Ha-Who to bother or blame. Just keep as steady as you can.This D will be over soon. Let the Ls do their job, as you are. You are doing well...go ahead and lean in on those around you. Your kids will see that you are still the mom you've been to them and you will be their rock. He will be the sickly greenish kid on the malfunctioning playground toy...until it slows down on its own or he lets go and flies off.

Slow, calm and steady as you go, HaWho. You've got this.

[roist]

Best wishes. Remember this too will pass.

I think of you often and had hoped you had less crap to deal with since the live-in moved out.

Good luck with the new car and keep focusing on the positives