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#2776968 01/28/18 12:27 PM
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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2774606#Post2774606

Thanks Heather. You are a role model all around. This is something my lawyer and I are discussing.

H came out to talk to S12 who was very upset. He tried to cheer him up and answer his questions. They talked about the new place and h reassured him.

H told him that the m has been bad for decades. That was very hard for me to hear. He told them he's been working on it for 15 years. (Numbers shift.) He told s14 that he's just been waiting in that room til they were old enough to handle this.

I do hear it and I think to myself maybe this isn't MLC? He paints the whole picture as bad. But then I think about it all and my logic tells me something really happened to him. I was by no means perfect but how do I make it work with a person who tells me one of the problems is that I have "let myself become middle aged." He is years older than I am. He is middle aged, too.

He says that we don't even talk anymore but he is the ignoring me. I say something and he ignores me. He won't come to dinner anymore.

It was hard to hear that.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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HaWho,

I am so sorry it has come to this. 8:00am? What was he thinking? Just terrible. Hope your children are doing ok.

I really felt it when you asked yourself maybe this isn’t MLC. In my very limited experience, when the WAS is not confused dealing with real life, stray thoughts, or other pressures, and are fully in their fantasy, they sound so sure of themselves, so absolutely certain, it is hard not to believe them. They are more sure of their reality then I am of mine. In my reality there is uncertainty, variables, etc... For my W it is very controlled and certain.

Mine also paints the whole picture as bad, and I too question things. But you know what you’ve seen and what you’ve lived through. You know the truth.

I have followed you for a while and you come across as a strong person. I know you will get through this. I know you love your children and will provide excellent care and guidance. Thinking of you and your boys.


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
DnJ #2776995 01/28/18 04:30 PM
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Hawho,

You are doing awesome standing up to stbx. As others have said, they talk a bigger game than they have willingness to fight.

And I too have heard “I have no family” and it breaks my heart. The kids, our hearts break for the kids. And no, 12 and 14 are not “grown up”—not at all.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Don't believe the MLC hype.
8am? What a putz.

How are the boys? I'm so glad they're talking to you about this. Stay strong. Don't let him gaslight you.

xoxoxoxo

{{{{{{{HaWho}}}}}}}


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Yes HaWho. As hard as it is, you will continue to be the strong person you have proven yourself to be. It's just who you are. Your kiddos are there to shake their heads along with you...they know your H is off. And you know what you've seen and experienced...don't let him put big doubts in your head. It is easy to fall for the gaslighting at times.

My XH said once early on in our separation,"you have good memories of our M, but I can take every one of those memories and bring up something bad that happened that day." That was when I realized, it really is a negative mind-set they have; I have since realized it is just another sign of depressive thinking. Not much you can do about that as a spouse. Mine couldn't be consistent with how long he had been "unhappy" or had "tried to work on our marriage" either. As you know, all we can do is leave them to it. Maybe use it as a life lesson for the kiddos; a warning about the dangers of that type of thinking and the need to talk to someone when and if they ever start to see things that way. Gotta have something good come from this, right?

It will get better soon, HaWho. It is sad, there is loss, and there is the stress of dealing with the D, but the weight of this situation will be lessened when it suddenly hits you...you've been holding your breath without realizing it and then suddenly, you can breathe again. It really is your life.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
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Originally Posted By: Ciluzen
It will get better soon, HaWho. It is sad, there is loss, and there is the stress of dealing with the D, but the weight of this situation will be lessened when it suddenly hits you...you've been holding your breath without realizing it and then suddenly, you can breathe again. It really is your life.


This ^^^


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Originally Posted By: HaWho

I do hear it and I think to myself maybe this isn't MLC? He paints the whole picture as bad. But then I think about it all and my logic tells me something really happened to him.


I'll re-enforce what others have said: do not let their fake "certainty" distort your memory and history. Step away, ignore them and reassess and you will see it is not accurate. I was thrown for a loop too, thinking "oh my god this has been so terrible" and then when I snapped out of it realized how ridiculous the distortions of reality were from my wife. There was a clear pre and post MLC crises experience, but she had rewritten the past and absolutely believed it.

I think it was AmyC here that wrote something to this effect: you the LBS are the one who is holding the real version of your marriage. Don't forget that, whatever the outcome. I believe it is critical to hold the past for what it really was and to honor what I had.

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Wow! DnJ, Gordie, Bttrfly, Ciluzen and Marvin thanks all for the outpouring of support. I knew he would gaslight me through this whole process.

Bttrfly - the kids are okay thus far. S14 is relieved as KML predicted. He has found his dad difficult to bear these last few years. S12 is having a tougher time. He is putting up a tough front for h, but with me expresses lots of confusion and shock over the suddenness of this all. There is lots and lots of hurt in that little body. They both are still unclear on why h sought a divorce. I hope a therapist can help with this.

These factors (and others) have me talking to my lawyer about how best to handle the custody issue. Everything has been on h's terms: "I will tell them now and in two days all schedules will change." Sometimes he sends me emails and it is like dealing with a 17 year old terrorist with a Napolean complex. He demands things and actually says "say yes now." I am waiting for him to say the message will self destruct in 3 minutes.

Ciluzen - thank you so much for that post. So much wisdom.

H moved out today. He left like the house was on fire. S14 was home as he had the day off. A stray dog wandered in as the movers were packing up h. I told h to bring the dog in so that we could keep him safe until the owners came. The owner came soon and of course asked if we were moving. H's answer? "No, just re-arranging a bit." Hah!

When h learns we are trying to slow down this custody transition, h is going to freak. Prior to his move out I thought what made me most scared about all this was all the uncertainty. But within hours of h being gone, I realize what scares me is his reactions. It's not something I really realized until he left and all was quiet. Job was right, I was walking on eggshells and hot coals.

S14 has said he doesn't want to go to h's place. He doesn't want to be there. It is all so sudden and he has never done well with change. It just makes sense to slow things down. H will freak when he learns that we are proposing this in order to measure how things are going. And then I worry not just about S14 but about h's reaction. But all h thinks about is what he wants not about the best way to handle this so that the kids transition well.

But as my sister asks, and how much has h worried about how his decisions impact you and your kids?


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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Posts: 1,597
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I forgot to mention something pretty interesting. H grew up in a cramped, tiny house. They had an attic that was converted into an apartment. H has always needed big rooms and space; always hating small rooms.

His new place? Small rooms. The whole space is pretty small. And there's a room in an attic sort of area.

I found that interesting.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
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yes. you're reminding me that exh's apartment isn't just in his hometown, it's in his old neighborhood and the lady across the street was one of his paper route customers! they really feel a need to re-live it all, don't they?


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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