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She's seeing that as not letting her work this out. She's let me know that the OW has a lot to live up to (in comparison to me) and that she's worried she would be heart broken by her at some point down the line.

Thinking more about this I'm leaning toward letting her go and do this by herself. I love her very dearly and it will be hard, but I think it would work out in the end.


Married 9, Together 16
M:39, W:41, S:11, S:7
BD: 12/3/2017
In house sep: 1/7/2018
EA: March 2017 (ongoing), PA: Yes
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Struggling today. This GAL is easier said than done. I guess it is early days still, being only 9 weeks into this.

It's hard to see what W has become. She seems to be addicted to her phone and drinking too much. I barely see her at all in the evenings.

Last Sunday I was in a great mood, until she said that she was planning to go to a Pride event in August with OW. I have no issues with the event, but did take issue that they were planning things together so far ahead. I said I was hoping this would be resolved before then, to which she responded that I was rushing her.

No more R chat for a week. We were out together with the boys in a restaurant. She decided it would be a good time to tell me that she was planning to take a trip to Amsterdam after her course finishes in April. It's somewhere we've both been to before a couple of times. She was asking if I didn't mind, she was being quite evasive but eventually said it would be with OW.

When we got home she could see it was bothering me and said she thought it would be a good idea to ask in a public place so I wouldn't overreact. Now this is something that I have never done in the 16 years we've been together. So not sure where she got this idea from. She had also mentioned the trip last year, so I knew it was on her mind.

She went on to say there is never a good time to mention these plans. To which I said "tell me on Thursdays". She then said it would be too late to mention that she will be seeing the OW on Saturday next week. Which just happens to be our 9th wedding anniversary. She had forgotten when it was.

I feel like giving up on this.


Married 9, Together 16
M:39, W:41, S:11, S:7
BD: 12/3/2017
In house sep: 1/7/2018
EA: March 2017 (ongoing), PA: Yes
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Hey DblDown,

Just caught up on your sitch. First things first:
WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO HER ABOUT OW????????

That is completely male beta behavior.

Are you okay living in an open marriage?
If yes, then continue.

But if no, then lay down some boundaries, which definitely includes that she does not get to talk to you about OW.

What is your GAL? What are you doing for yourself?

All I am seeing is serious disrespect towards you. Stop being a doormat. Stop being a NICE GUY. Look up Nice Guy Syndrome.

You can give up on the MR, that's fine, but don't give up on yourself. Get your ball$ back ASAP!

Until you do that, nothing is going to change.


No one is coming to save you!

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Thanks Maika, that is just the pep talk I needed!

I text her last night (wasn't going to talk as she was drinking) that I'm not willing to be in an open marriage. I do not want to hear any details about OW or any plans you have made. If after you have qualified and are working, and the A is continuing then you should move out as soon as possible.

I've got to say I slept well after sending that.

I'm not sure she did as she wasn't happy this morning. Her response was that she isn't in an open marriage as she isn't in a relationship with me. I maybe shouldn't have responded with 'what are you still doing here then?'.

As for GAL, I've been working out, although this hasn't been consistent. I'm reading more and listening to more music. I got the boys a drum kit at xmas, so have been rekindling my interest in that. I have a bike, so intend on getting out more on it.

I have a few friends that are local, but we don't see each other as often as we should, so something to work on there.

I have realised that this is an opportunity for me but it is hard when you thought you had a future together with someone but they are now, not the person you fell in love with.


Married 9, Together 16
M:39, W:41, S:11, S:7
BD: 12/3/2017
In house sep: 1/7/2018
EA: March 2017 (ongoing), PA: Yes
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Today is proving a little bit difficult. It's our 9th wedding anniversary and she's out with OW. I've had a good day with the boys, but that still doesn't stop you thinking.

I've read on another thread that in house separation doesn't work. I can see why. Detachment is almost impossible when you're both in the same house. I'll have to endure this for a while longer, at least until she finishes her degree. Sigh.


Married 9, Together 16
M:39, W:41, S:11, S:7
BD: 12/3/2017
In house sep: 1/7/2018
EA: March 2017 (ongoing), PA: Yes
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Anyone about today to offer any advice on my sitch? It feels like we've opened a zoo there are so many elephants in the room since yesterday!


Married 9, Together 16
M:39, W:41, S:11, S:7
BD: 12/3/2017
In house sep: 1/7/2018
EA: March 2017 (ongoing), PA: Yes
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So I said last week that if the A continues after W graduates\starts working (which it looks like it will be), that W should move out.

W said that she would not move out of her home. I've already said that I haven't done anything wrong so why should I move out.

How do you get past this stalemate??


Married 9, Together 16
M:39, W:41, S:11, S:7
BD: 12/3/2017
In house sep: 1/7/2018
EA: March 2017 (ongoing), PA: Yes
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And still struggling... this constant state of limbo is taking it's toll. Sleeping alone I only have my thoughts for company and they're invariably negative. I often have a word with myself to turn the tide but it's short lived. I know it will get better with time, but it's hard to see a light at the end of it all when you're entrenched.

I found out yesterday that the OW is 23. This affected me badly as I could see how deep in the fog W is and how can I sit idly by and watch her make the biggest mistake of her life.

W said to me that she is going to cinema tomorrow with her university friends. This is an obvious lie. It's valentines and she's never been out with them before. She's also seeing OW on Sunday for her birthday.

I think I'm going to have to initiate LRT, but no idea how when she's in the same house and currently, I do nearly everything - cooking, washing, ironing, cleaning, school stuff, feeding the cat etc.

Any advice gratefully received.


Married 9, Together 16
M:39, W:41, S:11, S:7
BD: 12/3/2017
In house sep: 1/7/2018
EA: March 2017 (ongoing), PA: Yes
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Well today is the first day of Lent. First time for me to try and give something up, so why not start with stop worrying about this R. I'm going to try LRT, 40 days is a reasonable goal.

If I can get through today it will be something, especially as I know they're together on Valentine's Day.

As always, any advice would be greatly recieved.


Married 9, Together 16
M:39, W:41, S:11, S:7
BD: 12/3/2017
In house sep: 1/7/2018
EA: March 2017 (ongoing), PA: Yes
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Quote:
I think I'm going to have to initiate LRT, but no idea how when she's in the same house and currently, I do nearly everything - cooking, washing, ironing, cleaning, school stuff, feeding the cat etc.


As you will see here, in-house separations don't really work. I was personally in one for a couplea months and it was emotional hell. Some folks here have lived through that for much longer and it just didn't work.

So, what can you do if she won't move out and you don't move out?

The answer is to that is - DB like hell. And not for appearance sake or trying to get her to change her mind - nope. You have to stop giving a f%ck what she's doing and what she's thinking and just go live your life.

The most prominent example of this is a board member called TxHubby. When he was done, he DBd and didn't look back. Find his thread and read about what he did. As Sandi has explained, she doesn't consider what TxHubby did as an in-house separation, which is true. He basically walked away from his W and lived his life as if she didn't exist, even while living in the same house.

Having read tons and tons of threads here for months, I personally don't see another approach that would work if you are living under the same roof. You have to really commit to it and follow through. Otherwise it's kinda pointless.

Also, please stop doing everything in the house. You can't nice her back into the MR. Do what you need to do for yourself and let her handle her business. Stop being a house servant.


No one is coming to save you!

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