Hi, first post here after reading as much as I can on DBing, WW and MLC. Let me start with some background.
W (41) and I (39) have been together 16y married for 9y. We have two sons, S7 and S11.
My W made contact with OW last March. I began to suspect something around September and got the BD beginning of December after confronting her with a text message on her phone between them. She made the usual claims of they understand each other etc. Although EA they have met and kissed, but nothing more that I'm aware of.
Before finding this site, I've been unsuccessful in trying too many things to get us back on track. I've pleaded with her, tried to reason with her, mentioned D, said how it will affect the kids all to no avail. I asked her to end the A and do NC. She wasn't showing any signs of remorse and did the ILYBNILWY, but said she would distance herself from her on her own terms.
She resumed the A two weeks later and I found out again beginning of January. Two weeks ago, we started in house separation and I set about DBing, 180ing and GAL. I offered that I would be happy if they remained friends (this is my nice guy\passive side). This hasn't gone to plan though as she's continuing to see the OW to work out if it's for her. To me that's having her cake and eating it and I'm at a loss as to what to do next.
I thought it might be an MLC for two main reasons, my wife's age and the OW is twenty something (something you might expect of a H MLC). If it is an MLC then she is very much stuck in the Replay stage and it would seem I'm powerless to do anything to help her.
This very much feels like I'm stuck on a roller-coaster that I didn't want to get on.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Lots of great reading material and advice in that post, thanks Cadet.
Thought I'd add some additional background:
For the last 8 years my wife has been in some form of education, in order to get onto a university degree course (UK). She's been on that course full time, for the last 3 years. The end goal is to get a much better career. In all that time I've supported her, I am the main breadwinner and have kept the house running and all that entails with two children.
This is where the MLC part has come as a surprise as I thought that course\goal would have given her purpose in life. I guess it doesn't help that she is the oldest in the class, with the rest of them being in their early twenties.
With the OW, she has never admitted that is anything more than friendship, although she has said she has feelings for her. She wants to explore those feelings in her own time.
This is what I'm struggling with. Do I let her continue on this path and sort myself out or try and set a boundary that I will not stand for a 3rd party in the M?
Married 9, Together 16 M:39, W:41, S:11, S:7 BD: 12/3/2017 In house sep: 1/7/2018 EA: March 2017 (ongoing), PA: Yes ______________________________ Attempting to defy gravity, by falling up
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
So wrt to A, if I'm GAL should I be bothered if it continues? I have a feeling that it wouldn't amount to anything, but can't stand it when they are together. Would working on detachment help with this?
Married 9, Together 16 M:39, W:41, S:11, S:7 BD: 12/3/2017 In house sep: 1/7/2018 EA: March 2017 (ongoing), PA: Yes ______________________________ Attempting to defy gravity, by falling up
Think I'm going round in circles with this one... I've been reading Sandi's excellent threads on WW. Think I read something about not standing for the WW who is still in A with OP.
What's the best approach to this when we're living in the same house. She can't move out as she's a student and I'm not going to leave.
It's hard to think straight when in this unwanted situation, but this forum is an excellent resource.
Married 9, Together 16 M:39, W:41, S:11, S:7 BD: 12/3/2017 In house sep: 1/7/2018 EA: March 2017 (ongoing), PA: Yes ______________________________ Attempting to defy gravity, by falling up
Thought I'd provide an update as this last week went a bit sour.
I backslid quite badly, but could've been worse under the circumstances. The week before I had discussed with W that I was open to her being friends with OW. She was happy about this and said she respected me for it. Since then we'd had a few good chats about our future goals and she seemed a lot happier.
A couple of days later she mentioned she had messaged the OW and that they'd agreed to meet up soon. No problem from me at that point.
Thursday got a bit interesting as W had a day off and said she was going to the library all day to study. This in itself sounds entirely plausible. However, don't believe anything of what they say and half of what they do. She's late home, I put it out of my mind for now as we have an event to go to watch our son with his school. She's distant and moody.
Friday she's at university all day, I get a message before she leaves saying that she's been invited to an event by OW and would I mind if she goes and stays over. I remain calm and agree, I can't control her after all. My W has to travel 70 miles to get to the OW and the event. She keeps telling me to not worry, it's just a night out. At this point my emotions are not where they should be and I've started creating scenarios in my head about what they're up to.
Snooping is the worst thing I could've done. Especially when I found a pair of stockings and a 2nd phone in her hand bag. I also found a lingerie packaging hidden in the wardrobe. It certainly wasn't for my benefit. This obviously made me think that friendship wasn't really on her mind. Cue a sleepless night, mind working overtime.
The next day she's texts saying she enjoyed the event (vintage dancing - not something she's done before). Say's she'll be going out with the family of the OW and will be back by lunchtime.
She gets back around 4:30pm by then I'm steaming, but I try and keep a lid on it. Not the easiest thing to do. But I ask her how it went. It deteriorates rapidly as I ask about the stockings, phone and lingerie. I get an unpolite 'f$%k off' in return, she is understandably angry that I went through her stuff. She said that she didn't go for friendship and misunderstood what I said about that. She repeated that she has these feelings for the OW and needs to see her to see if it would work out. She assures me that nothing has happened. They have met on 8 occasions that I'm aware of, possibly 1 or 2 other times I don't know about. She seems to be stalling and I'm very much plan b.
They seem to have met every two weeks since the end of November, mostly on Thursday\Friday. I know we shouldn't obsess about the OP, but it's on Instagram that I've seen pictures of the two of them together or places they've been together. The OW is a narcissist, nearly every picture is of herself with some clever caption. She's blocked me (I know I should reciprocate).
We haven't really talked since (3 days now). I've made an increased effort to implement Sandi's guidelines. I haven't initiated any conversation or text. When she texts I respond with a one liner. Like yesterday she said 'I'm having a Sh%# day to be fair' to which I responded 'I'm sorry to hear that'.
I'm hopefully on the right track. The hardest thing is to keep a PMA during all this.
Married 9, Together 16 M:39, W:41, S:11, S:7 BD: 12/3/2017 In house sep: 1/7/2018 EA: March 2017 (ongoing), PA: Yes ______________________________ Attempting to defy gravity, by falling up
My W seems to have turned into some kind of monster... How would you react to this? She comes home after a long day, immediately on the defensive. I'm trying to remain calm, for some reason she sees that as giving her attitude, saying that if I carry on like the last couple of days (180ing) it will make her decision easier! I don't respond and leave the room.
Hopefully someone will be along soon to give me some much needed advice.
Married 9, Together 16 M:39, W:41, S:11, S:7 BD: 12/3/2017 In house sep: 1/7/2018 EA: March 2017 (ongoing), PA: Yes ______________________________ Attempting to defy gravity, by falling up
I think you are on the right track with what you are doing.
Nothing you say is going to change the situation.
If you really feel that you must say something - tell her you will not be in a relationship with her while she is in one with someone else. Do not expect her to greet this with enthusiasm though.
Do I understand correctly that your W is having an A with another WOMEN? Regardless of an OM or OW, I do not think a LBS should tolerate an ongoing A that he knows about. I agree with others on here who say tolerating the A shows great weakness, which makes the LBS even more unattractive in the eyes of the WAW.
You could ask her to leave the house as long as the A is ongoing. I don't recommend you leaving, but that depends on your sitch. Especially since you have kids.
Definitely put into practice Sandi's 37 rules. You already know she is having an A so you can stop snooping.
