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Hello All,

I am a newbie posting, here, but have read these posts for several months. I greatly appreciate all the wonderful advice I've seen thus far. I'm in this particular thread because I am now a LBS (I'm assuming that means Left Behind Spouse?)
from a H in MLC.

Sometimes I get confused about what my situation really is. My H, who I believe is in MLC, has also been an alcoholic for the majority of our 18 years together. (He only sobered for 4 years whilst our daughter was very young.)

When I met him, 20 years ago, and we forged a friendship, he was sober. However, then he worked abroad for a few years and came back as a drinker. Yet, I had already formed the bond, and our relationship turned into more at that point. Reason: I was told a story about the drinking, and that it really wasn't a problem. The reason he had gone to AA in the past was for drug reasons from his youth which he would never allow into his life again.

Anyway, many years have passed, and much arguing about the drinking, but I still felt a love connection all that time. He still apologised and tried to pursue.

Well, he turned 49 nine months ago, and he announced that he felt numb for me and couldn't see us growing old together. That's when it became apparent that he was going into MLC. I took it as a cry for help. I agreed to go to counselling for the things he thought I had: OCD, Anger Management Issues.

He also went to some counselling sessions (which he now sais that the therapist told him to move on), but was also simultaneously forging an emotional connection with a female work colleague. (I now know.) Too, the drinking continued, and escalated at times, and his willingness to connect got less and less. It was as if he couldn't even stand to come home to have dinner with us.

We tried to make it work, or at least I did, but he's now moved out to a flat far away. Said I was too controlling.

He's said so many things in the past months that just sound so bizarre. He's never been the "most" responsible person when it came to the majority of our home life (Great worker and very responsible there!), but I truly had thought that he took pride in being a fairly good husband, father and provider. It's as if none of that matters any more. He told me very recently that he's Impetuous and that doesn't work with someone like me who needs stability. Which follows suit with the other things he's been saying like, "We've just grown apart." But he's also said, in the last month, that he never really loved me, never really let me in, etc.

I haven't seen too many posts from people who have MLC H who are also highly functioning alcoholics, so part of me is wondering if our Crisis is one where the alcoholic is just finally ready to stop trying to make it work with the non-alcoholic or what. (It seemed to get worse after his last binge 3 months ago, when I told him I wouldn't be drinking with him anymore. That's when plans to separate escalated.)

Does any of this resonate with any of you?

WWHWU = When will he wake up

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Welcome to the MLC Forum. I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome thread w/lots of homework, so read and ask questions as they come along.

Welcome to the MLC Forum. You will meet people who are at various stages of dealing w/the fallout of their spouses being MIA. I am going to post below, Cadet's Welcome Posting. Please read the links and then come back and ask questions, if you should have any.

Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296

Things you should know as the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701017#Post2701017

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

WAS showing you positive signs? WAIT - READ THIS!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2772942#Post2772942

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
_________________________
Me-63, D30,S29


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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HI

My XH was a recovering alcoholic from age 21-40
at 40 he began MLC and soon after he started with prescription drugs and alcohol

Alanon is helpful for the spouse of an alcoholic

many MLCer will turn to drugs and alcohol to ease the pain

ususally I would think their addiction will escalate in mlc as they enter replay

The best you can do is take care of u..get support..try alanon
IC read, sleep exercise ect.
You will not ever really know if its his alcoholism, or MLC that made him snap..they are both pretty powerful illnesses
and both together makes a huge mess
either way you will not be able to fix him or this-
best to try to fix you-
hang in


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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Hello Peacetoday,

Sorry for my late response but I’m new to this. Now he’s saying that he has a girlfriend with a 2 year old daughter. He can barely take care of our 14 year old daughter much less a 2 year old!

I wonder if she knows he’s an alcoholic?

I shouldn’t care. I know this blog is about divorce busting but I just don’t see it happening with this one sadly. I see that you’re divorced now and wondering how you’ve moved on?


M: 48
H: 49
D: 14
MLC Bomb: 05/17
Sep:12/17
M: 16 years in 02/18
OW: 02/18
D: Pending
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Helllo Peacetoday,

Sorry for the late response. I’m new at this.

I know that this blog is all about divorce bustin* but I don’t really see a light e end of this tunnel. He’s now with a woman that has a 2 year old daughter and I’m wondering how he thinks he can be a good influence on her when he can barely keep up with our 14 year old! Wondering if she knows he’s an alcoholic?

Anyway, I think I shouldn’t dwell on that an need to move on.

I see that you’re divorced. How have you found the transition?

Note: been in Al Anon scores 9 months now.


M: 48
H: 49
D: 14
MLC Bomb: 05/17
Sep:12/17
M: 16 years in 02/18
OW: 02/18
D: Pending
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WWHWU, hello and welcome.

The very best thing you can do for yourself and your daughter is detach as lovingly as possible. Really put the principles of alanon to work. Do you have an alanon sponsor?

There (in detachment) you will find a host of things: peace, real control of the only thing you have control over (yourself), strength, calm.

You have an opportunity here to take a deep breath and think about what you want - for your daughter, for yourself. How do you want to spend the rest of your life. There are others here who have spouses who are active in their alcoholism or addictions, or a merely on a raging dry drunk like mine was for years. I believe very strongly in marriage and family, but I also am pragmatic enough to know that only an alcoholic can do the work to fill that gaping hole inside with something other than substances.

In essence, I am on the side of leaving them to it and focusing on your own recovery. Trust that if you're meant to be together down the road, that will happen, but first you both have work to do individually.

I hope this helps xoxoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Hi

I know it is very hard to let go especially in the beginning

It is,most helpful to be there now for your 14 year old
listen to her
alateen if needed

Whether your H is just in his addiction or MLC or both,,You are still most powerless
I'm glad you have the support of alanon

He may believe the new R will fix him and he will be happy --but unfortunately that is usually not the way the story here ends

You can spend your time best by going to counseling alone and getting support thru alanon-working on you
He will spiral down more and get even more crazy

By working the steps and making some new support friends
try to have some fun

remember none of this is your fault,,
an alcoholic is a ticking bomb ready to explode at any time
You can take care of you and your D
Make sure if she goes with him..he is sober and safe

hang in

It takes time but most of us land on our feet and usually better
than b4


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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Hello Bttrfly and Peacetoday,

Thank you both for your kind responses.

It’s been a trying few days. On Friday it was our official 16 year anniversary and it came and went with no words. He stays in my flat on the weekends to be with our daughter...at least he’s been reliable in that for the last 3 weeks. Prior to that hit and miss, but when I sent him notes from the school counsellor about what she talked about in the session: “Distraught and very sad that he chose to move so far away, etc.,” that’s when he decided to buck up and come regularly. Only problem is, then I have to see him too and it’s causing anxiety. So, this time I went away to the countryside to visit some dear friends.

When I returned today he asked if we could talk. Said that our D was worried about me. Said I tune into Too much inspirational videos and music, meditation, etc. What? How does one expect to heal from what I’ve just been through? Or is this more of the mind games he plays with me? I noticed she was short with her responses when I asked her about her week end.

It’s downright amazing how he can deny he’s an alcoholic and claim that he only binged because he was hen pecked by me. He said now that he’s happy he can drink socially without over indulging. I don’t really believe that. He used to tell me that he could control it too...until he couldn’t.

I told him that he sure is going through a lot of trouble with all of the other changes in his life to avoid getting sober. He said that it was my controlling that drove him away. I told him that yes I did do that but it was my way of trying to hold on to our dying relationship..

No, I know it’s not my fault. I just wish I had read the warning signs way back when...

I have found a sponsor in Al Anon and have gotten her commitment today. Yeah!

She’s pretty tough, though, requires 3 meetings a week to start! (1 can be online though) That’s my Sat and Sun booking up quick because the rest of the week I’m single mom now.

Things are progressing with meditation and will be slowly but surely getting a Divorce. I’d love to stand and fight for this marriage but I just can’t see a light. Think it would take a miracle and I’ve even stopped praying for that.

I am working on myself despite any flack I get.

Thank you again for wise advise!


M: 48
H: 49
D: 14
MLC Bomb: 05/17
Sep:12/17
M: 16 years in 02/18
OW: 02/18
D: Pending
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Hello

Google gaslighting and addiction.(thats what it sounds like hes doing with the meditation comments to daughtet) Thats what i am working on understanding and you can find me in the surviving divorce forum.

I came on here in 2015 as julieh with absolutely no clue my ex was a high functioning addict. I thought affair, mlc, depression,ocd. Then i found bank statements going back 3 years showing withdrawals in bad neighborhoods of 800 per week in addition to 100 almost everyday. I also found credit card statements going back 5 year showing 300 dollars per month from 3 different liquor stores.

The dysfunctionality of our relationship crept up on me...in the beginning i felt guilty for being mad amd resentful all the time and now i know why (although i still doubt it cause he is so high functioning)

He painted this pic to his family, coworkers, our marriage counselor about how miserable our marriage was. How negative and cynical I was. How i did not accept him for who he was. Called me verbally abusive.

Now i am realizing i was complaining about things that made no sense...sleeping till 2, constantly disappearing, not saving or having money when he worked as a professional. And how it was all twisted and deflected.

I dont think addicts are really capable of real love. Im trying to learn more.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
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I agree with jujuB

Addicts/alcoholics are a real mess and even in recovery as my XH was sober for 20 years--unless they put real effort/change /therapy into their recovery..
R willany active addict/alcoholic will be very difficult/impossible

Great you got support with Alanon..great program and people

I will ignore anything your H says..they have a stake in us staying sick...so your recovery may scare him as he knows he is not making any effort for healing himself

Alcoholics cant become social drinkers ever-- so he is just lying to himself..He may control it for a few weeks or months but the disease is real, alive and present
once he takes the first drink--

You are doing well so continue with your program
Be there for D
most important to just listen to her right now
I would sit on edge of bed in D room as a preteen and just listen
they open up and I would Nod and not say much just listen

That helped my D get through this
Today she is 22..graduating College in may
smart, kind and well adjusted


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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