Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 5 1 2 3 4 5
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 956
C
ciluzen Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 956
Hey ((Bttrfly)),

"Guess I am the only one who thinks Cil should not tell Bubbles' husband. How do we know he doesn't already know??"

Thank you for that. As I've said, I've fought the temptation. With my little mind-fists! But just as I often was tempted to beg, cry, and ask why in the early days (ok, admittedly some later days, too)...I know it would most likely not go as I would hope. What would be my hope now? That he would get angry with her? Destroy their family, his trust in others, his children's security and well-being? That he would tell my XH off and open his eyes? Get violent? To what end? And what if he's suspected or known all along and just wants to keep things as they are? None of this is my problem. It is still an issue my XH has...a weakness...Do I want that? If Bubbles loosened her grip, he is still as many of you have said, not finished baking yet. If he came crawling, walking or skipping back, I see nothing that would make me feel as secure in that relationship as I felt before the midway point. That's a tough feeling to deal with when you've spent so long caring.

With each of these rages or "lows", that door crack grows thinner. Right now, its tiny. And I am not as set on the gaslighting theory as some out there may think I should be. Oh, well. My pain to deal with. But I've been told off for misunderstood "bad" behavior before. Why do you think I try so hard to see why people might do what they do? I've been there. I've made (much smaller) insensitive comments or actions, only to realize or be confronted later with my mistake. The guilt causes enormous avoidance at times, increasing the appearance of insensitivity. You realize it was wrong, but you have a hard time seeing yourself as "that" person who would do that. You make excuses or hope no one notices, deny, or lie or avoid the ones who know. Its weak. I hate weakness, so I try to confront it in myself. Feeling hateful is weak. Anger is a process; a means with which to look inside yourself and grow stronger. But hate is a weakness. An endin itself. I don't want that to be my end. I would rather be angry, move through it and still try to find out why I am this way and grow stronger by learning and understanding the motivation...both mine and that in others that causes them to behave in a way that I allow myself to be affected by.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 956
C
ciluzen Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 956
Hey KML.

To answer your question, I don't fully know what Bubbles does now. At one point XH had told me she entered payments and paid bills. I know he wanted to pull back on the bsness side of things as much as possible and just concentrate on seeing patients. I had the same thought, but not my job to enlighten him. I already anm kicking myself for discussing his staff issues with him...I overstepped there, even if he brought it up. Not my circus, but he may have been sarching, as he's aware we all talk.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 956
C
ciluzen Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 956
To everyone else kind enough to visit...thank you. I am processing and forever learning. I will stop by to share some things later that I've learned which flipped my mindset on a few things relationally. I am learning so much about how my thoughts and actions affect others as well as myself. I guess I, too, had things missing in my upbringing. I will need to own that and improve. As always, kindness, kindness, kindness.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
{{{{{{Cil}}}}}}
You are absolutely right to resist the temptation. You would hate yourself for causing more pain to others. The man must have at minimum the semblance of a clue. Truth always comes out. There are way too many suspicious people for this to go on indefinitely.

Cil, I think it might be time for you to think about how you want to engage with your exh moving forward. What I mean is, what are YOUR new rules of engagement going to be? Believe me, I know how easy it is to slip into the familiar role when the ex starts talking about something they are struggling with. I've done it. It's nice to feel needed. It's nice to feel like your opinion still matters on some level.

I think in your case most specifically, it's true cake eating.

Think about what you want to do about that, if anything. As long as your $$$ isn't affected by any potential financial shenanigans on the part of anyone, you're right to let that go.

This is for that tiny little crack in the door: how will he miss you if you're right where he left you?

much love my dear xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 48
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 48
I agree with bttrfly on not telling Bubbles' H. I have many times thought about outing my H to his family/friends and even OW's H, but refrained. I firmly believe the truth will always come out.

I have to also say that I completely understand your perspective on your H and had almost that exact experience when I confronted my H with all I knew about his inappropriate relationship with the OW. It absolutely doesn't excuse his behaviors, but based on my experience with my H alone I understand your feeling on not quite accepting the gaslighting theory and tend to agree.

You truly are handling this entire situation with so much class..it's a shame your H is the way he is...he's really missing out!

Last edited by job; 01/19/18 09:44 AM. Reason: added spaces between paragraphs

M: Early 40s H: late 30s
2 kids under 10
M: 15 yrs
BD: 7/14
S: 10/14
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
I agree...do not enlighten Bubbles' H. He will find out soon enough and you do not want to be a part of that triangle of mess when it hits the fan.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,979
Likes: 33
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,979
Likes: 33
Ciluzen:

Sounds like some interesting stuff. I am not a mean, vindictive, or cruel person. I have done not one thing to "out" my husband for what he has done and one of the biggest reasons I have not filed for divorce (other than my lawyer's instruction not to) is that I would have to publicly set forth the allegations that make me not trust him to parent our fragile 14 year old son without some strict rules to protect son in place.

My suggestion to speak to him was because I approach these things with what I would want someone to do for me. Perhaps that is wrong, and as I said, of all people on this board I would trust you to make the best, truest, most rational decision on something affecting your life.

I spent three years "knowing" there was something hideously wrong with my marriage. I begged him to tell me over and over what the problem was. I told him I knew something was wrong. That he was distant with me and the kids. I told him how much I was hurting over it and how badly I wanted him to work with me to fix it. He looked me right in the eye and told me over and over again that there was nothing going on and that he was just stressed/busy at work.

Had he been honest, or had OW1 contacted me, I would have stayed firm where I was in my home and my job. My daughter would have spent her last 2 years of school with her friends in a supportive environment instead of being shipped off to boarding school where she floundered. I would have been in the office every day at work, seeing what was going on first-hand, and preventing something awful that would have come later. I wouldn't be sitting here every day asking myself how I missed three years of a sordid affair, how I tolerated the cruelty, how I made poor decisions for me and my children trying to make him happy.

I wasn't suggesting that you publicly out them at all. But it sounds like you've spent a fair amount of time with these folks. I read the pain and doubt in your posts over whether there was something more to this relationship and what that did to you. I imagine Mr. Bubbles is having similar thoughts and similar feelings. He too may be questioning his sanity.

I suggested it because if does push he and Bubbles together, it will simply fast-track that situation, including its demise. My H carried a torch for his EA for years and years. It is what drove him to OW1 (that relationship folded in 3 weeks from the day it became real after living largely in fantasy for 4 years). Fantasies are much more potent than reality. I suggested it because your H looks like he is stuck in a similar fantasy and is hurting himself and others by so engaging.

In the end, of course this is your decision. I just wanted you to understand why I proposed it and why I would very much want someone to tell me, even if it hurt and even if ended more quickly a marriage that probably wasn't great to begin.

Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
Quote:
At one point XH had told me she entered payments and paid bills. I know he wanted to pull back on the bsness side of things as much as possible


Worrisome. A fairly easy scam to pull on a doctor or dentist who doesn't want to be "bothered" with the business side of things is to make payments to a non-existent company that - guess what - is actually a bank account belonging to the employee. A busy practice that pays lots of bills to different vendors might not notice one additional "vendor" being paid. And a gradual increase in overhead costs might be attributed to inflation.

Do Bubbles and her husband seem to live a lifestyle that is better than one might expect from their supposed income? Agreed, it's not your problem anymore, but if it looks suspicious, you might mention it to your girls as a possibility.

Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 956
C
ciluzen Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 956
Hey Ownit,

I really hope you did not take anything I said personally...I really was more expressing my views on why I would not out Bubbles'relationship to her H, without any specific poster in mind. Quite a few people expressed the idea that I should, so I merely wanted to air my views on it, specific to my case. I'm glad it created a dialogue, but it would make me sad if I offended you personally, as that was not my intent.

I'm glad that you chose to clarify your views in more detail because you have some very good points. As I struggled with the decision to tell him the little that I know, fast-tracking their relationship was one of the reasons I came up with. Putting it out in the open, or at least the inappropriateness of their relationship and the wrongs perpetrated against me (lies by omission and out 'n'out lies), would be a way of saying to others, "Here are the facts. Judge them and decide whether you want to condone this relationship". The sad fact is, I really believe there are enough people who would look the other way...and I think they are doing it now. On the other hand, I know now that at least a few others, who have no job connection to XH, have chosen to stop participating in activities with "the group". They've noticed, so I can only believe that the others have more to gain by ignoring. What would Bubbles'H do?

I've decided I don't know. People are funny. I put up with bad behavior for years because the good outweighed the bad and he came home to me each day(conferences and occassional trips to the river not withstanding). He was a true cake eater in that he seemed to be getting something from us both. And as much as I would rage and cry at him when it weighed on me, and as much as that was undesireable, guilt inducing, and made him see me as less and less desireable to be around; he hung in for quite awhile. Then he was driven to make a choice.

So, would outing this force her H to make a choice? Maybe. Or maybe he's at the stage I was, but quieter. Staying because its easier and there's more good than bad moments. He still has kids at home and is involved in their activities as well as a full time job. Its when our kiddos weren't around and I was excited at the prospect of more alone time with the hubby that things got really noticeable. Her H isn't there yet. Its only a few years away, though. Will he notice then?

Again, by explaining that I did not want to be vindictive by outing their relationship, I was not claiming to be the authority on anyone else's situation or choices. We're all trying to figure out what works best to make us able to move on or re-establish some sort of new relationship with vastly different people. I wish there was a recipe that fit all equally well, but there isn't. My NC brings him in and still throws me occassionally. But by breaking NC at holidays by inviting him so that its better for my kids, I realize it might not do me any favors. And I realize I'm doing it for me because he acts as old H (sort of) for a few hours...and I miss that. Something I'm still tossing around as I "evolve".


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,979
Likes: 33
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,979
Likes: 33
Ciluzen,

I didn't post out of defensiveness, everyone has the right to their own opinions, and ultimately we all must sift through the nuggets that are offered and make our own decisions because we know the plot and the characters better than anyone. I just wanted to explain because I think the standard responses (don't tell, don't move out, don't contact them, etc.) on this site often come to the fore and every situation is different, and the timing of things can even change the options. I also think the training one receives in law school, and in practice as a litigator, requires examining the problem from all sides. I really try to do that when I can.

Page 2 of 5 1 2 3 4 5

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard