Hi Liamj , just read the latest re child services and Ws treatment of S. A couple of things spring to mind, your S is very upset so be mindful that he MIGHT be saying whatever he thinks each parent wants to hear or truths might be told with embleshments.
're the social worker , calm is the key word here , listen , digest , take a min and then argue your points with calm level tones, make notes and or record each session with the social workers knowledge. I have a short temper and dont always express myself calmly when i feel im not being listened to so I've learnt to look like I'm considering whats been said while really taking my time to calm down and answer logically.
Regarding the social workers comments of oversharing with the Kids, maybe take a step back and see if there is any truth to it. Your obviously a good dad and as such im sure not beyond constructive criticism.
At this point I would like to say im 100% on your side and any comment i make is well intended.
The kids sleeping arrangements when with W are a concern so maybe raise this with the social worker. Is the social worker aware of OM and the involvement of OM in the kids lives? I don't know the UK laws re any of this but raising it during a meeting will clarify same.
Another small nugget that you proberbly know is the saying ' act in haste and regret in leisure ' , always take your time before replying , let you emotions settle and then respond.
This is a very tough road and you are travelling it well.
Liam, that is so awful about your son. I hope something will be done to investigate further and cut off contact between your kids and wife. What a total nightmare for you. Honestly I feel like the world has ended for me but if my husband hurt my daughter it would be much, much worse. I pray you and your kids have an opportunity to heal and be freed from this crisis.
Hi Liamj , just read the latest re child services and Ws treatment of S. A couple of things spring to mind, your S is very upset so be mindful that he MIGHT be saying whatever he thinks each parent wants to hear or truths might be told with embleshments.
're the social worker , calm is the key word here , listen , digest , take a min and then argue your points with calm level tones, make notes and or record each session with the social workers knowledge. I have a short temper and dont always express myself calmly when i feel im not being listened to so I've learnt to look like I'm considering whats been said while really taking my time to calm down and answer logically.
Regarding the social workers comments of oversharing with the Kids, maybe take a step back and see if there is any truth to it. Your obviously a good dad and as such im sure not beyond constructive criticism.
At this point I would like to say im 100% on your side and any comment i make is well intended.
The kids sleeping arrangements when with W are a concern so maybe raise this with the social worker. Is the social worker aware of OM and the involvement of OM in the kids lives? I don't know the UK laws re any of this but raising it during a meeting will clarify same.
Another small nugget that you proberbly know is the saying ' act in haste and regret in leisure ' , always take your time before replying , let you emotions settle and then respond.
This is a very tough road and you are travelling it well.
Take care , Rd
Thank you that’s some good advice!
Yep, there is definitely some embellishment from him, but I can tell the difference on those occasions usually. Although there is an issue that he’s telling me what he thinks I want to hear sometimes. My daughter says she’s fine but really just wants to live with me, she happily shares good times she’s had while with them, but it’s the bigger picture she’s unhappy about which is the be expected I suppose.
I hear you on the over sharing. I emailed the social worker a few days ago to say I’ve taken that on board and will ensure that I only respond with reassurance when the kids bring up problems with my W and OM. They are aware of it all but don’t seem interested. They’re not aware of them going to the AP’s house though.
Learning to stem my reactions is something I’m now trying to do all of the time. Just today when I found out about the kids staying at his, I drafted an email to my w. But I decided not to send it and just step back and let it settle in. That’s a great saying, I’ll remember that each time something else happens!
Liam, that is so awful about your son. I hope something will be done to investigate further and cut off contact between your kids and wife. What a total nightmare for you. Honestly I feel like the world has ended for me but if my husband hurt my daughter it would be much, much worse. I pray you and your kids have an opportunity to heal and be freed from this crisis.
Thanks Nicole, it certainly is a nightmare. The thing is she was a great Mum, I can’t understand what’s happened to her. She said to me the other day she’s raised the kids for 11 years, what’s different now, I said well there’s another element that is being put before them now. She didn’t respond.
Today was strange, she looked for the first time like the old her. She’s back peddled on some of the things she said to me on D day. She told me she was in love with him since Jan 2017, then today she mentioned it hasn’t been going on as long as I think. I said about the whole in love with him since Jan thing which she said in front of my Mum. She just denied it and said that’s not true. I actually think some of the fog might have lifted, she tried having a normal conversation with me and even made a joke. I told her I don’t know her, I don’t trust her, I can’t be your friend. She started crying about a financial issue, I think she thought I would offer to help. I simply stated that she allowed me to take on that debt knowing she was having an A and leaving for him, so for the time being my L has said until it’s discussed in mediation, pay nothing. With that she cried again and drove off upset. I think she is realising that I’m starting to move forward and can’t be manipulated anymore. I never would have thought it before today, but I think she actually regrets it all, but realised that there’s no way back to me and is probably crapping herself that the OM will leave her.
Liam, I'm really happy to hear that. It's empowering for you, and a relief, to know that she's coming to her right mind and realizes some of the damage she's done. This is a major sign of success on your part. I hope you have a reason to smile today after all you've been through.
Liamj, Wow as I read your sitch is like reading mines W is very condescending with kids and me W feels kids will get over it, they not going to die everyone gets divorce. W tells them this with no empathy at all. While I confer my kids and let them cry and let them vent. W grip s8 once and made a mark with nails I did confronted her and told W I would protect my kids. So W became very verbal then because is basically he said or they say she say. I honestly thought my W was the only WAW with kids mistreating them but reading your story breaks my heart I know what your going through and it feels we can't protect our babies. All I can say is keep hanging in there our ride is starting this is just the beginning. Keep being Superdad and being there hero. Go to walmart and buy yourself Super shirt with logo my kids love when I wearthem they look at me as a super hero.
At BD Lesbian marriage Me39,W36 S9,D9,S8 adopted all three Together almost 10yrs Bomb Drop - April 2017 W movedout - May,2017 OW June,2017 Currently 2018 Me40, W38 S10,D10,S9
Liam, I'm really happy to hear that. It's empowering for you, and a relief, to know that she's coming to her right mind and realizes some of the damage she's done. This is a major sign of success on your part. I hope you have a reason to smile today after all you've been through.
Thanks Nicole. What worries me is that she is obviously moving at a speed emotionally that is much faster than me. She’s emailed me twice today about trivial things. I’ve used the grey wall stuff like short answers etc. I’m worried she’ll come knocking within a few months looking to come back, and my emotional state isn’t ready to deal with that. Thing is, she has always known my feelings towards people that cheat. My dad had a whole other wife in a different country and I’m a product of what became of my family. My older brother died a few months ago at 39, my whole family fell apart and there’s not many of us left. He never recovered from our family break up and lived a difficult life, I struggled but managed to create a great life. She knows there is no way back for her to me and thinks there is no chance so she’ll never come looking for reconciliation even if she desperately wanted it. Which means she’ll persist in ruining our children’s lives and her own. While I don’t want her to come knocking to get back together, I’d welcome a heart felt apology and discussion about what’s best for the kids. She’s always trusted my advice and I'd hope she would somehow find the strength to admit her mistakes and do what’s best for the kids. I doubt this would ever happen though. To admit what she did was wrong she would have to face up to a lot of people!
But yes, I do have a reason to smile, that things might be OK if she is starting to think about the kids :-)
Liamj, Wow as I read your sitch is like reading mines W is very condescending with kids and me W feels kids will get over it, they not going to die everyone gets divorce. W tells them this with no empathy at all. While I confer my kids and let them cry and let them vent. W grip s8 once and made a mark with nails I did confronted her and told W I would protect my kids. So W became very verbal then because is basically he said or they say she say. I honestly thought my W was the only WAW with kids mistreating them but reading your story breaks my heart I know what your going through and it feels we can't protect our babies. All I can say is keep hanging in there our ride is starting this is just the beginning. Keep being Superdad and being there hero. Go to walmart and buy yourself Super shirt with logo my kids love when I wearthem they look at me as a super hero.
I feel for you, it’s horrible knowing what she’s doing to them and being powerless to do anything about it! I can put the shift in her behaviour back to two years ago around the time I found the first messages between her and the AP. It went downhill from there really.
Yep, it’s certainly early days. But hopefully there is hope for us. When this first happened my W could not see that what she was doing was so hurtful. I asked her yesterday if she felt bad about what she had done to me, she cried and said yes. Couple months ago all I got was it’s no worse than what you’ve done to me, erm yeah ok being faiithful for 17 years and creating a great life for us and our children was a really shitty thing for me to do!
I can see glimmers of hope that she will be better to the kids. At xmas time she punished them because her AP didn’t want to bring his kids due to my sons behaviour. He ran away, as soon as I sent him back rather than trying to soothe him she just crates lots of ridiculous rules and punishments and told them it was their fault the AP didn’t want to come over. He did go there with his kids anyway and my kids had to watch them unwrap mountains of presents. I could see the remorse I’m her face when we went round to grab his school bag the other day. I was in the car and didn’t engage with her, but it was clear to see. I just wish the few people she has around her would grow a pair and tell her it’s all her fault and she’s [censored] yo their lives. I’m the only person that says it like it is. We have to be our kids cheerleaders and keep pointing out the shitty things their doing!
Well an interesting day. I had a meeting with child services. Yesterday I passed a parent at the school that was quite implicit in covering for my STBXW, she said hi, I said F*ck off! So my STBXW reporter it to child services. At that moment I said yes I did say that, took out my phone and played them back the recording of my son telling me how she hurts him and that he doesn’t want to speak to them in case they stop him seeing his Mum. What followed were apologies, but then a statement to say they didn’t think I was telling lies. Erm OK!! So they said they won’t be back in contact with me, they have no further concerns about me but they’ll be sending their Mum on a course to understand how to better parent and not resort to physically handling him. That’ll look good for her as a child minder won’t it!!! I said when this fantasy ends, she’ll realise what she’s done, they said we think she’s already realised that!
I think where she is at the moment is that she knows she’s f*cked up, she knows there is no way back to me so can only try and move forward with the AP. But that’ll never work cause the kids do not want to live with him.
I bumped in to another parent tonight, and it seems she is telling everyone the truth! She isn’t hiding that she has had an affair, but for everyone she tells she loses another friend. I think she’s looking for someone to say oh that’s the right thing to do. Instead they are aligning with me without me even speaking to them.. She asked me to take my kids out with them next Sunday, commented on my weight loss, said she only knew it was me cause of my daughter! I’ve known her for ages. Everyone she shared it with don’t want to know, they all know me and know I’m a nice guy and a great Dad. They know her really well and me much less but still see the terrible thing she has done. I just don’t see how she cannot see how terrible it is!!
