waw maybe #2

[bhappy2]

I will say this I think she needs counceling and I thought she did before BD. Irrational behavior, illogical thinking and a mentality that she needs to put herself first. As if everybody in her life took from her and now its her time to live.

I wonder if she's about to go through menopause, she is at the right age and the above (bolded part) is EXACTLY the change in view that a lot of women experience in menopause. And you know what, a lot of women do sacrifice a lot of themselves to raise kids, care for their H and extended family and maintain a household. They reach the mid-40's to mid-50's and go through a change- they feel like they've put themselves last all this time and they now want to put themselves first. You know what I think? I think they deserve it. My XW was a fantastic mother, wife, friend to others, volunteer, etc. etc. Now she wants to spoil herself and I say more power to her. I just wish she had put herself first more in the M so that she didn't develop all the feelings of resentment.

It has been suggested by several people that she is going through something, she just doesnt know it. But like you said AS she deserves it then go for it, there will be some damage left behind but right now its about her. BTW she was and still is an incredible mother, she did however always put our children first, I was always last. She never had time for me, and this is where the resentment began.

[sandi2]

Thats the problem she will not pay for anything.

I disagree. The problem is that she has always called the shots, is still calling them. You have allowed her to keep her income for selfish purposes, while you support the family. How do you think anything will be resolved living under the same roof when she refuses do anything she doesn't want.....and you adjust to whatever she says.

And now she is doing nothing to help around the house either, she is completely gone. It's ok this is her journey and I will not ride the roller coaster anymore.

But it seems as if you are riding the roller coaster. You were feeling great, talking about moving on.....and now you are LRT. Looks like a ride to me.

I have said nothing nasty I was vvery calm when I asked her to move out.

That's fine, but the final note is that she refuses and you are still adjusting to her. She does not have to adjust to the circumstances she has caused. Why is that?

Like I said this is a very tough situation, it will be resolved soon... I hope.

What is your plan to get it resolved? Enabling her will not resolve anything.

Please note that she is not cooperative at all,

Most WW's aren't cooperative. That's the waywardness. However, it's always a personal choice to not cooperate. Don't expect her to suddenly become cooperative. I wish it was that easy, but the reality is that it won't happen without some type of consequences for her choices.

and she still wants everything to remain a secret.

Of course she does!

Doesnt want anyone to know we are getting D'ed. She is so torn up and fogged up she cannot see straight.

That ^^^^ alone, tells you she is not in a normal frame of mind. So, to continue as usual will not bring about a change in her mindset.

I am out of my fog and preparred to move on.

Are you sure? Why are you doing the LRT? Do you want the M saved? Are you done? I'm just asking.

I will say this I think she needs counceling and I thought she did before BD. Irrational behavior, illogical thinking and a mentality that she needs to put herself first. As if everybody in her life took from her and now its her time to live.

Yep! Keep it in mind, if reconciliation is ever considered. It should be a prerequisite to having a relationship with her.

I'm sorry you are going through this mess. It must be difficult to know what to do, at times. At this point, it may take something drastic to shake her fog. Telling your adult children she has filed for a D, may cause some reality to hit her.

[bhappy2]

Thats the problem she will not pay for anything.

I disagree. The problem is that she has always called the shots, is still calling them. You have allowed her to keep her income for selfish purposes, while you support the family. How do you think anything will be resolved living under the same roof when she refuses do anything she doesn't want.....and you adjust to whatever she says.

Yes of course I realize now that should have been addressed years ago. I was being a good H and provider for my family.

And now she is doing nothing to help around the house either, she is completely gone. It's ok this is her journey and I will not ride the roller coaster anymore.

But it seems as if you are riding the roller coaster. You were feeling great, talking about moving on.....and now you are LRT. Looks like a ride to me.

When I say LRT meaning that I will no longer say anything to her and completely withdraw from all the family activities.

I have said nothing nasty I was vvery calm when I asked her to move out.

That's fine, but the final note is that she refuses and you are still adjusting to her. She does not have to adjust to the circumstances she has caused. Why is that?

Because she knows she doesnt have too, that is changing very soon as evverything is in the lawyers hands now.

Like I said this is a very tough situation, it will be resolved soon... I hope.

What is your plan to get it resolved? Enabling her will not resolve anything.

B/c she filed and had me served both L are in contact and the negotiations have started.

Please note that she is not cooperative at all,

Most WW's aren't cooperative. That's the waywardness. However, it's always a personal choice to not cooperate. Don't expect her to suddenly become cooperative. I wish it was that easy, but the reality is that it won't happen without some type of consequences for her choices.

The consequences are coming unfortunately that means some major changes for our children.

and she still wants everything to remain a secret.

Of course she does!

I often wonder why, is it the shame, embarrassment? Who knows? She did tell me right after BD that she didnt want anyone to try and change her mind.

Doesnt want anyone to know we are getting D'ed. She is so torn up and fogged up she cannot see straight.

That ^^^^ alone, tells you she is not in a normal frame of mind. So, to continue as usual will not bring about a change in her mindset.

Agreed.

I am out of my fog and preparred to move on.

Are you sure? Why are you doing the LRT? Do you want the M saved? Are you done? I'm just asking.

Doing it for me, I held on to hope for a long time LRT is also for me.

I will say this I think she needs counceling and I thought she did before BD. Irrational behavior, illogical thinking and a mentality that she needs to put herself first. As if everybody in her life took from her and now its her time to live.

Yep! Keep it in mind, if reconciliation is ever considered. It should be a prerequisite to having a relationship with her.

I'm sorry you are going through this mess. It must be difficult to know what to do, at times. At this point, it may take something drastic to shake her fog. Telling your adult children she has filed for a D, may cause some reality to hit her.

Thank you Sandi, certainly talking it out on here makes things much better.

[sandi2]

I'm not trying to beat you down. I think you are getting stronger. I want you to see the dynamics in the R with your W. Until those dynamics change, she won't change.

[bhappy2]

I wrote this in sept of 2009 and gave it to her:Didnt realize I would be going through this again

Hi, My Wife,

I just wanted to write you an e-mail to let you know how much I care about our marriage. I know you are going through a hard time with things and quite frankly so am I. I do not think I can live like this thinking that you care more about someone else, I am getting the feeling that you are hiding something from me. I hope I am wrong. You have said things that lead me to believe there my be someone else, one thing you said was that you didn't want to hurt me, W that is something someone says when they have found someone new. You say you have no one... also when you went to friendly's with that guy it did bother me. I need to work on my sarcasm and I will, I have always loved you but if you are not feeling the same way then we should separate. You say you need time but we have been together for 18 years through thick and thin and now after 4 days you are not sure if you still want to be married to me.

You saw me crying and you didn't even care. I am still the father of your children I would think you could have a little loyalty towards me, I am not that bad of a person, you make it sound like I have abused you for years and its simply not true. You have found a new friend in Lauren, you seem to want to spend more time talking and hanging out with her, I really don't understand why you would sacrafice your sleep just to talk to her. What can you be talking about that can't wait until you wake up. I believe that you have talked about our situation with her and maybe she is advising you because you aren't happy.

Also when I am trying to have a talk with you, you seem to want to avoid any serious questions, you hide your eyes or say you are too tired. You use avoidance which is a tell tale sign that there is someone else. After 15 years of marriage you just don't tell your spouse that you are not sure you want to be married. You should say H we really need to work on this, ITS SERIOUS, then I would have an opportunity to work on it. At this point I am in a situation where I can not conduct myself in normal everyday life. If your goal was to mess me up you did but I can not live like this. I stood by you through many things and always will, even if we get divorced I will never run you down because I have respect for the person you are, but there is some culpability on you especially if you found someone new. You say you haven't done anything wrong or had an affair, but even if you are talking at work with someone thats wrong enough.

I hope you are just going through a phase and maybe its stress but if I am right then I think you should come clean, after you read this come in the bedroom and say H I have something to tell you and be honest with me and yourself. Because I could except the fact if you wanted to leave me, but most of the time someone leaves another person its because of infidelity.

Whatever I am asking, you say you don't know But unfortunately I need an answer, like I said I can't do this anymore. Sleepless nights and driving scared are not what I need, if you have lied to me lets work on it... tell me what you are thinking ... now I have played all my cards professing my love for you and my family so you can now play with my emotions that is why I am writing this because I will not let it happen. If you really cared you would be saying yea H it feels good that you care about me and lets work on our marriage. But if its to late then lets move on if you have someone else I will eventually find out anyway. I am writing this because I have made a decision that I can let you go... as hard as it would be I would have no choice but to move on... the children would have to understand that you left me because you simply stopped caring about me, (very rare) that someone leaves for this reason.

I always thought you were different then the rest of these idiots out there, but now I don't know, you say you want to go to Jersey with you friend Lauren, why do you have to drive? Why would you take away from your family to be with someone you met 2 months ago. It just doesn't add up it doesn't make sense and if it doesn't make sense then someone isn't telling the truth.

Come in the bedroom and jump on me give me a hug and tell me that you really dont want a divorce and that you love me or I think we should start the seperation process. I am desperate to know what is going to happen... I do and always LOVE you!!!!

[bhappy2]

I wrote the above letter way before I knew about DB. Funny how she never really recovered from that. I firmly believe she had an A back in 2009 and only now do I see it.

[LH19]

BH,

Look man I have to honest with you, you seem very passive aggressive and controlling in that letter. Also, there is mention of abuse.

She was raising 4 kids at the time and wanted to take a trip to NJ with her friend and take a break and you made her feel guilty about it. How about honey you know what you take care of the kids all the time you deserve a break why don't you go spend the weekend with your friend.

Again, I was guilty about being P/A and laid some guilt trips in the past. I am just explaining what I hear when reading the letter so you can learn from it and not make the same mistakes in the future.

Below is a quote by Thich Nhat Hanh that is one of my mantras now:

"You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free".

Think about that quote for a minute.

[bhappy2]

LH, Thank you for your feedback, these are things I am going to have to work on. When I wrote this letter I was distraught, I make no excuses as I can see there are things I need to work on. I do not see where the abuse is...please let me know what you see.

[LH19]

I am still the father of your children I would think you could have a little loyalty towards me, I am not that bad of a person, you make it sound like I have abused you for years and its simply not true.

H,

Just based on your quote above. Also, passive aggressive behavior, jealousy and being controlling are forms of emotional abuse.

Are you seeing a counselor about these issues?

[bhappy2]

I am not in counceling, b/c I cannot afford it right now. From the above quote it looks like I am controlling her?