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xch123 Offline OP
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I didn’t seek professional help aside from the books and reading advise from these forums. Your last paragraph is EXACTLY what I did. I took care of myself first and it was easy because then a baby was not in the picture. I lost over 100 lbs and still maintain my fitness and health as a result of that lifestyle change. I know pretty much exactly what I need to do but with a child in the picture, I feel this is a whole new beast I’m up against

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Originally Posted By: xch123
I understand this as well. I’m just confused about how she can pursue professional help, get out on meds and then just decide herself that she no longer has PND. Her relationship with her mother has been very toxic in the past and I have suspicion that this thought process may have stemmed from something her mother said. I could be absolutely wrong though and know I shouldn’t harp on things like that.

You may be perfectly correct about what your saying - however you did not break her and it is not your job to FIX her.

She must do that herself without any help from you.

Help from you is more likely to worsen the problem rather than fix it.
Step away and give space.

Read the pursuit and distance thread.
And STOP pursuing!


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xch123 Offline OP
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Brilliant! Thank you for that advice!

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Originally Posted By: xch123
Definitely wouldn’t say I ran to tell my wife what my MIL had said.


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I do not view my MIL as the enemy and I truthfully know that I pull my weight in regards to my son.


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also very wrong.


Hmmm, interesting. Do you consider yourself a confrontational person? Always trying to convince others that they are wrong and you are right? Give that some serious thought, it could be a contributing factor to why you're having some marital problems.

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I’ve tried to take my child off my MIL after I get home from work and she’s told me point blank that she’s fine to keep holding him. To which I explained “no I don’t think you understand, I want to hold my child. I missed him”.


That sounds confrontational as well. And more than a little selfish (whether you intend it or not doesn't matter as much as how it looks to others). Did you stop to think maybe MIL was enjoying holding him? Perhaps you could ASK her if she would mind if you held him instead of just trying to take him? And if she says "not now" then say you understand, and when she's ready for a break you would love to take him. Imagine you are holding your son and he's asleep on your chest, what a wonderful, cozy, bonding feeling that is. Then your W walks in the door from work, comes straight over and tries to take him. How would that make you feel? And then she says "But I want to hold MY child". Try to think of the impact your actions are having on others.

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When I say replaced I can remember a specific moment where my W started talking about a health related issue in regards to my son. The moment I heard this I turned to acknowledge the information and t wasn’t even me she was telling. It was her mother and this was the first time I was hearing of this particular subject. I felt, in the moment, redundant.


Did you feel resentment about that? If so, why? How do you think you might be expressing that resentment to your W and MIL? Do you think this is an "either/or" situation, where either you are the 2nd parent or your MIL, that there's not room for both of you?


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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xch123 Offline OP
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You make very good points and it’s all about perspective. I wouldn’t say that I am a confrontational person unless I absolutely have to be. I prefer to go with the flow of things. It’s just a bit hard to get my point across when all personalities are not on the table. My MIL isn’t a bad person but there has been a certain tension between her and I since the beginning. She has texted my wife in the past with her disdain of our marriage which appeared, from my end to be completely unwarranted other than her and my wife would be arguing about something. She has always had a sense of jealousy about me in regards to her daughter and my wife has even said in the past that her mother needs to understand that we are a family now and that she isn’t forgotten, just at this stage of our life and relationship that I’m the person my wife will be turning to when she needs something (emotionally, physically etc) and vice versa because that is the way my wife viewed marriage.

My wife taught me a great deal about perspective and compromise. When I am in a disagreement with anyone I am the type of person to listen to reason (of course) and do my best to see it from the other side. I will insert my perspective as well to try to find a happpy middle ground (compromise) if I am being accused of something I tend to ask for examples of what it is I do so I can assess it and make moves to change my behavior. This is what led to my marriage getting back on track last time as I have zero issue accepting responsibility for any wrong doing and I’m willing to take advice, especially from my wife, fully on board.

When it came to the information being eavesdropped on in regards to my son, I was a bit upset, yes. Resentful could be used to describe it as well. I would like to know what is going on in my sons life in regards to his health and not just stumble across it via another conversation. There is absolutely room for MIL in the picture. I encourage a rebuilding relationship between her and my wife truthfully and I also want my son to grow up knowing and loving his nana! I can be a bit blunt sometimes but that boils down to where I grew up and who I grew up around (something I actively try to be better with) I guess I started feeling like a ghost inside my own house and no one seemed to really understand that while I was at work, that was exactly what I was doing. Working. I didn’t want to go to work 5 days a week frown i would much rather be at home with my son and wife. Maybe it was viewed as me being absent? I do know that this is a common problem between working parents and SAH parents but I am really trying to avoid assumptions right know. I don’t want to tell you what I think, I want to tell you what I know type of thing.

You’re right as well, that could have come off as a bit cold from my end to be fair. I personally saw it as “you’ve been here with him all day and I’d like a cuddle from my son”... definitely did NOT come out that way and I will have to do better at communicating things like that in the future.

My main concern is my wife suddenly not wanting this relationship regardless of the impact it will have on our family... should probably mention that if we get a divorce I will be forced to leave the country i am living in which will force me away from my son as I will not be able to afford a new visa and there are very strict immigration laws.

I truly appreciate this conversation we are having!

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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


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xch123 Offline OP
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Had a really weird moment today. I’ve taken the 180 approach because I know that if things do not work out I will at least be trained to take care of myself the way I need to to get over an impending divorce with at least some of my sanity left haha

Anyways got some rough news today about my grandmother passing away. My sister had informed my W of this news and it was pretty much the first thing I found out when I woke up. She broke the news very kindly and warm heartedly ... that’s not the strange part. The strange part was after I took over with daddy duties to let her go take a shower, she cane downstairs and wrapped her arms around me from behind. This didn’t feel like a sympathy hug. I felt something much more there but I’m reallllly don’t know if that’s the case or f that’s what my heart just desires from my wife right now. She squeezed so tightly and didn’t let go for a good while. I will not lie. It felt so nice. Any contact from my wife feels incredible because I am still insanely in love with the woman.

I thought I’d just share that update! I’m still moving forward with the approach though because I do not want to get my hopes up.

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I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother.

It sounds like you have your head on straight despite your sad news. Take care of yourself.


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Doing 180's is a smart move.

Sorry to hear about your loss. Grandmothers are special.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Friend, if your wife gave you a hug it seems your marriage still has a lot of hope. If I were you I'd go back and hug her again. My sense is that physical closeness can do more than words when people are going through a difficult time. I wish that I'd known that before it was too late with my husband.

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