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HaWho #2775472 01/15/18 01:16 PM
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HaWho,

Glad the credit reports came out clean.

That questioning of repeating the cycle at some point in the future?

Yes, that is a haunting one.

(((HaWho)))


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie #2775479 01/15/18 02:56 PM
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Omg. I don't think I've fully thought about this concept of repeating. I seriously cannot go through this again. Nopealope. March of the penguins... amazing.


BD#1: "marriage is over" 9/14/2016
H in basement 24/7 with EX/OM
BD#2: 3/20/2017 I plan to move out "soon" I LRT
me: 42, H, 41, EX/OM, 37
D 10, Son 7
M to H = 20 years
EX/OM moved in 10 years ago
Surv1ve #2775486 01/15/18 03:57 PM
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Hi Hawho,

It sounds like you're handling things well. The custody issue is so difficult, I'm sorry you're dealing w/a broken person. It is unbelievable how blind they are when it comes to custody. 52 weekends a year, they just don't get it. Xw told me I could have a relationship w/the kids through Skype! Thank God things worked in my favor. I really think the notebook idea mentioned is great, it would be good insurance in case you h gets more hostile. I know I sound like a broken record but it gave the guardian attorney a glimpse into her actions.

Take care((HW))

Kyh #2775493 01/15/18 05:46 PM
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Meant to say my xw's actions

Kyh #2775511 01/16/18 03:09 AM
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Repeating the cycle - I went through that with my ex. Turning 40 bothered him, setting off a mini MLC that culminated in him having an affair at 42. I DB'd like crazy, we had a good reconciliation and several good years until he was approaching 50 - then serious MLC kicked in and off he went. In retrospect, he had other issues -narcissism- which was always present, just worsened with age and multiple concussions. But I also think that once the genie is out of the bottle - once a spouse has cheated - it's always an option in their mind to exit that way. (Not to say some don't sincerely regret their affair and remain steadfast in their marriage after - I've seen that IRL. But for many, that option, once exercised, remains a possibility in their mind).

kml #2776569 01/24/18 06:05 PM
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Thanks all.

Just a quick update: h plans to move out next week. He again tried to get me to drop my L. H said I should fire my L and then just run things through him (h). He said he can ask HIS lawyer stuff. I can't tell if he's stupid or just playing stupid. Probably it's a bit of both. His own lawyer has said to h that he can't legally counsel both of as he is h's lawyer. Sigh.

He tried raging on me via email until my L told him to knock it off. Then he tried guilting me into firing my L. When that didn't work he went gangster and told me I am his "sworn enemy." Hmm, did not realize I am divorcing Tony Soprano.

The best part of this whole "drop your lawyer and work through me" plan is that he is ignoring me 100% of the time. He acts like I don't exist. He is in the dorm room and when I get home he scurries off to his apartment I assume. If I am in a room he turns around and walks out. Tonight he walked out of the kitchen when I walked I. and when I came into the hall to go upstairs, he had his back turned to a wall and he just stood here waiting for me to pass.

He acts giddy a lot. He puts on this cheerful voice with the kids and I do think he is very excited for his new life. I saw this same behavior at BD.

Turns out he's just as sneaky as I thought he was. That claim of his that we separated in 2016 is so that he can claim any profits on investments beyond that date. Many of the financial documents he presents as joint show account balances ending that 2016 date. I suspect he was putting joint money in there and claiming it is now his as we were already separated. I am starting to see why he pushed so hard to get me to sign that I agreed to the division of assets. Definitely his plan was to shock me and then get me to just agree fast so I had no time to think.

If we were separated in 2016 then it's a complete surprise to me and every single other person who knows us (including our own children). We still had joint accounts, filed as married, he still wore his ring, he never told anyone we separated and he moved back into the MBR during that time.

At times he's emailed that we will be friends after this is done. But he really refuses to look me in the eye at all. And if I don't do what he wants how he wants he comes up with all these gangster lines: you're dead to me or you're my enemy now.

I keep telling myself I will get through this and build a normal life again.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho #2776576 01/24/18 10:35 PM
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To quote Queen Gertrude "The lady doth protest too much, methinks" - where he is the lady in question here.

I think I represent the consensus view where this amount of gas-lighting means that he's hiding something that he thinks is big.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
AndrewP #2776580 01/25/18 12:45 AM
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HaWho,

I am not at all surprised at how he is behaving. No, he's not stupid, but he's hoping that you'll listen to him. Of course, he wants you to fire your lawyer...he wants to have control over everything and he's not happy that your lawyer told him to knock the stuff off.

Gather your proof that you were still together because you will need that info. Let your lawyer know that you can provide witnesses to the fact that you were still together at that time in 2016. In my opinion, your h has been planning his escape for a long time and thinks that he can get away with his stash of money and you aren't smart enough to figure things out.

Gosh, this man is a clone of my xh. BTW, I also agree w/Andrew...the man is hiding something and the gaslighting is his way to make you think you are nuts or to take your focus off of what needs to be done. Don't let him see you sweat!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2776585 01/25/18 01:35 AM
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Agh, honestly - the whole....Oh don't worry, I can just run things through my L for us both. Really?? crazy

I would just have a stock phrase of - H - we both need to be properly advised during this process - and leave it at that. He can rage all he wants. It isn't going to change....

I think your H is kicking off rather like Mleigh's is. The thing is, they think it is all going to go a certain way (their way) and they don't entertain any other thought - forgetting there is someone else in the mix with interests and free will.

Hopefully his L will help settle things down a little. I certainly found that to be the case in my situation.

Just keep moving forward HaWho and things will get easier in time I promise xxx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2776588 01/25/18 01:57 AM
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Thank you Andrew. When I read your posts to other people I always see a sensibility to your advice. So, I am going to heed your words.

Job - yes, he definitely thought this was all going to go like this: he would draft everything and I would sign. The second I said I needed a minute to look things over, is the minute he started getting really mad. He also thinks this is going to be no absolutely no big deal for the kids. And yes, he's clearly been strategizing for a very long time.

Regarding us being separated, I have a text from him from this September wishing me a happy anniversary. And it even says this is the second year he has wished me a happy anniversary first! At times I feel so disoriented. He so strongly tells me it was all so awful. And then I just remember all the mixed signals. Sometimes I feel like I don't know what is the truth anymore. Then I tell myself it doesn't really even matter anymore.

Sotto - thank you for telling me this will get easier. I really need to hear (and believe) that right now.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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