Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: Dec 2017
Posts: 469
J
Joe2017 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2017
Posts: 469
AS:
I am pretty certain that her agenda is based upon her forcing me out of the house. As far as D goes, we all know that eventually, no matter what, a D will happen. It will. This is her controlling me and trying to get me to move out. Which is messed up since she is the one who should go, by all accounts.

V:
I am very sorry you're still dealing with that. That is a long time for a WS to hold a grudge. I think that eventually my WW will run out of energy to fight me. I think that a lot of her aggression and tactics are to push me out of the house, because I remind her of what she has done and is continuing to do to our family. She has tried to shut me off from S14, but she will make "parenting" gestures towards my S16. The mind games V. The mind games! Why!? Frustrating.

Nicole:
You are right, it [censored] that your husband is not there. But, he isn't there. Not that this makes you feel better, but it could be worse. He could be there every day making your life stressful, like my WS is every day. You need support. Find a divorce support group at a local church. Attend and meet people who understand you. It will be good just to talk about stuff. That's also GAL and making yourself better. We have to heal to move on. And we have to move on to feel alive again.


Save yourself. Nobody is coming!
BD:11/2017
Filed:12/2017
Final: 2/2018
Joined: Dec 2017
Posts: 469
J
Joe2017 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2017
Posts: 469
Yesterday I decided that I would give WW a scheduled time to use the MBR bath in the morning to alleviate some logistic headaches. The conversation started out civil but once she got "her way" she became aggressive and mean. I have lately eased on the NC and will initiate business conversations to try to ease tensions. It has not made any difference really. Just trying to lighten the stress, but to no avail.

But one thing did strike me. She looks bad. Physically bad, like her eyes are sunken in and she seems exhausted. I wish I could help her, or tell her she needs to rest or eat. But she would only get mad at me for saying something. Everything turns into her accosting me.

For instance, I was putting away dishes and she got mad because I was in "her space" downstairs and taking up too much time. Anyhow.

So two things are on my mind: I have to fully let go and I have to be the lighthouse.

Letting Go:
Letting go is so hard when I love her so much (or what I knew as her). Maybe I'm choosing not to be "in love" with her now, but I do still love her. I am ready to sign the D agreement if it ever comes. I realize that WW has eclipsed my wife. Letting go is hard but necessary. Tough but I'm doing my best to let the process occur. I know it takes time, and time is not on my side. It is what it is.

The Lighthouse:
I know the road home has to be paved and smooth. I know that I have to let her know I am here for her and S14. I am just not sure how to do this without seeming weak or without making her feel like I am pursuing her. I have been hard nosed NC, and I have made it clear that I "dumped her". WW has expressed that she harbors resentment from the "dumping" but she shows no signs of being remotely close to finishing her fog. Her BFF is keeping her head in the fog clouds. I will never be given any consideration under those circumstances, as long as her BFF is living vicariously through my wife.

So how do I become the lighthouse? That is a tough puzzle to figure out.


Save yourself. Nobody is coming!
BD:11/2017
Filed:12/2017
Final: 2/2018
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
Joe,

The best way to become the Lighthouse is to start making a great life for you and your son. What kind of man do you want to be? Instead of worrying about who dumped who????? Start mapping out a awesome life for yourself. Then maybe someday down the road (years most likely) she may want to join you.

Dude I know it sux but you just started this journey and is likely to go on for a very long time. Now you can wallow around and feel sorry for yourself or you can roll up your sleeves and start doing the hard work.

What's it going to be Joe?

Joined: Dec 2017
Posts: 469
J
Joe2017 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2017
Posts: 469
So lighthouse is detatch, DB, 180, and GAL?

OK, I can do that. Been doing that pretty well, all things considered. Now I am not going to go out partying like WW but I am:

Excelling at work
Dressing well
Grooming well
Wearing nice cologne
Carrying myself with more confidence
Working out, dieting, toning up, and losing weight (38 lbs!)
Keeping my car nice and shiny
Taking a karate class
Involved more in church
Volunteering with S16
Going to the movies
Going to sporting events and other venues
Socializing with more people
Reconnecting with old friends
Attending divorce counseling classes

I've had women express interest in me but I am not ready for it yet.

The real obstacle here is the in-house S. She will not leave the MH and she is like a mosquito constantly biting me whenever I'm around her.

I find myself considering moving out more and more, even though ultimately it means caving in to WWs abuse strategy.


Save yourself. Nobody is coming!
BD:11/2017
Filed:12/2017
Final: 2/2018
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
ok Joe. The abuse that you are receiving in the house is so bad that you are considering moving out but yet you still want to be with your W.

Something is not jiving. Are you seeing an IC?

Joined: Dec 2017
Posts: 469
J
Joe2017 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2017
Posts: 469
Yeah you know I think about that a lot.

The abuse REALLY only started when she became WW. It is absolutely a new thing. I think in some ways I am still in shock. Obviously I'm not making excuses for her but wow was this abusive behavior unexpected.

You're right, this is a very fresh sitch, only about 2 months since BD. I'm expecting too much too soon. I think in my mind I was waiting for the D agreement to show up so I could sign it and move out.

Maybe I need to do that in reverse order.


Save yourself. Nobody is coming!
BD:11/2017
Filed:12/2017
Final: 2/2018
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
Quote:
I find myself considering moving out more and more, even though ultimately it means caving in to WWs abuse strategy.


Do you mean that she is abusing you simply to force you out, or do you mean she will win? When did the abuse began?

As I've previously said, what the kids are seeing and experiencing at the hands of your W, should be the deciding factor. How is it teaching them to be strong men if they see you being abused by your WW?

Maybe you need to find Vanilla's thread on abuse.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: Dec 2017
Posts: 469
J
Joe2017 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2017
Posts: 469
Sandi:
I've been in V's thread. V will also say that she lost a lot of ground by being the one who moved out of the MH.

Yes, I believe the abuse is partially to make me want to leave because I refuse to schedule sharing the MBR, an idea she won't let go of. I think it is also her scapegoating me for her own situation and/or indiscretions.

However on weekends, she has been leaving the MH and going elsewhere with S14. I don't know how long this can last. It's certainly not a sustainable environment.


Save yourself. Nobody is coming!
BD:11/2017
Filed:12/2017
Final: 2/2018
Joined: Dec 2017
Posts: 51
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2017
Posts: 51
You have to realise that in the mind of WW she is consumed with anger so she is going to find any possible thing (however tiny) in order to pick a fight with you.


Truthbuster.

Married 4.5, Together 6
M: 36, W: 33, no kids
Separation date: 7/8/2017
Bomb dropped: 8/18/2017
Last communication: 1/8/2018 - now nothing
OM confirmed - now ended (?)
Joined: Dec 2017
Posts: 469
J
Joe2017 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2017
Posts: 469
Sandi:
Sorry I missed your question. The abuse began basically the moment she filed for D.


Save yourself. Nobody is coming!
BD:11/2017
Filed:12/2017
Final: 2/2018
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard