AS: That was really really great to read. I actually went to a D recovery class earlier today and they talked about emotional relapses. I think that's pretty much what happened to me. I did really well up to a point and some trigger set me off falling back down the tunnel. I have since picked myself up and started walking back out. You're right about the + / - attributes we give our emotions. I am expressing myself here openly because it allows me to work through the noise in my head, and it also helps me be strong in my home and at my job. I am going to be OK and I'm going to make my life better.
Sandi: I hear you, loud and clear. Each day I am pushed away from WW by her actions. I know this is WW and not W. But I can't hold onto W. She won't be coming back. She's deeply set in her wayward ways. I had never been abused by W before, but for WW it's a daily occurrence.
V: I'm doing my best to detach, but sometimes it is a moment by moment thing for me. I've been consistent with active DB during interactions with WW. I'm getting decent at technique but I need more work on the foundations of detachment. I'm very outwardly detached, but internally I think I'm holding onto a glimmer of hope that W will fight through the fog and come back. I have been focused on that too much. You are right. I am going to read the lighthouse again. I read Sandi's rules often, but I will do better. I do think moving out is on the table for me. I'll have to give it more thought.
Ginger: You are right, it is abusive here. I am considering my options right now. It will be difficult getting an apartment, but may just be worth it. I'm also well aware of the reasons to stay in the MH.
Thank you, everyone. Earlier I saw S16 give S14 the biggest hug ever and it reminded me of why I stayed in the MH to begin with. I'm so proud of my boys. They both deserve much better than this sitch. Even if tomorrow is my last day in MH, that hug between my sons makes me think that these struggles have been worth it.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
I am trying my best to detatch, but there is no quick way to do this. Externally, I have been good with the "as if" but internally I am still emotionally attached in some subtle ways.
Usually I feel pretty good about it and something (not sure what) triggers me and draws me back in. Then I get to rehash it all over. It's a terrible cycle that I'm trying my best to break.
I have been GAL, I have done 180s. I am doing great at work and I'm doing a good job as a father. I just don't seem to be able to drop the last few strands of this rope. I guess there's no magic trick to it.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
J.....from my experience detaching is a process. It takes time. I still constantly question myself and if what I am doing is following DB principals. Am I being too nice, are my motivations pure in being true to who I am as a person or are they driven by my W. Like yourself I adopted the DB principals very early on but internally I struggled every day. It is normal. 7 months later I am still a work in progress but my emotions are even keel. No still get sad from time to time but not nearly on the spectrum I was before.
It will get better.....you really are doing great.
WW is constantly picking fights with me. I wish I could do something, anything, to get the aggression to stop. It's not anything I'm doing by choice. She is just attacking me for anything she can.
Everything from sharing a bathroom to a home repair has to be a complete conflict with her. It is so draining. It makes me want to quit this right now. I'm worth more than being her whipping post.
I don't know if it is worth having a conversation with her or not. I don't want to pick a fight but I can't keep living like this. I know 100% that her response will be that I'm the one to blame for everything, and the answer is for me to move out.
Goodness. All I want to do is say, please stop abusing me for no reason. Just stop. But that will get me nowhere. I'm living in the MH for logistics and legal reasons but I don't even know if it is worth it. She is starting fights with me within the first 30 minutes of every day. It is exhausting. I just DB and stop conversation when a boundary is crossed. It is still incredibly stressful. I feel like I'm in a war zone all the time.
Actually, war zones are less stressful than this! People actually trying to kill me was easier to deal with than a vindictive WW!!! This is awful.
One day at a time. It's going to be OK. I gotta just keep DB and focus on me.
Nicole: You are going to be OK too. We both are.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
WW is constantly picking fights with me. I wish I could do something, anything, to get the aggression to stop. It's not anything I'm doing by choice. She is just attacking me for anything she can.
Joe, that does sound like absolute torture. It sounds like she's trying to force you out of the house, or marriage, or both. She's trying to make you do the hard work she doesn't want to be bothered with. I suspect that if you're able to turn the other cheek and let it roll off of you that eventually she'll see it's not working and will give up the pestering. Maybe start wearing headphones around the house and sing to yourself? Just try to detach as much as humanly possible while still under the same roof.
I went through this Joe, and after I left it got worse...........
It's control tactics.
In the end I moved back in and went 'whatever'. WH got fed up, said he was leaving and I called his bluff.
He left and I put his stuff in storage. The raging continues to this day. Nothing I can do to stop it.
That's the way it is with these entitled waywards.
I am so sorry you have this too. Leaving or being apart doesn't actual make it easier. In fact it makes it harder to track. Yes I used headphones and during peak rage times I dodged.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Joe, I understand you well. I was a US government contractor in Iraq and Afghanistan during the worst, most violent times. Bullets flying by, mortars landing on a daily basis, car bombs left and right, shady characters following our car - I never, ever felt as bad as I do now that my husband is gone.
