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bttrfly #2775374 01/15/18 12:47 AM
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HaWho,

Please take some time and do a credit report on both of you. You may find more info that you weren't aware of.

As for that account, write the bank numbers down and do a little bit of research when you can. They are very sneaky and will not share info w/you...but it seems like they tell on themselves.

Hang in there! We are all here for you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2775383 01/15/18 01:55 AM
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I remember MY L was very strict on getting any and accounts on paper.He said there was no way to hide anything legally-
even inheritances ect.
every last cent- we both had to own up to-

So your H may be illegally transfering money but most decent L would not stand for that- at least thats what mine said-


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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H,

I just wanted to chime in and say how great you are doing. Not telling you about son’s game? That’s beyond words, but so is your H. Hugs to you.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie #2775401 01/15/18 03:33 AM
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So, part of his MANIAC EMERGENCY is about trying to cover his tracks. I am SO glad to hear that your L has already paid for herself.

I also cannot fathom your H trying to prevent you from attending the son's baseball games. How does he possibly think that is going to work out for his R with his S? Like, hello? And, oh man, I'm so sorry.

Just a suggestion: that would be the kind of thing that is worth documenting in a note for your L. I don't know what your hopes and intentions with custody are, but a spouse who demonstrates an unwillingness to support the healthy relationship with a child's other parent is a pretty big flag re: custody.


BD#1: "marriage is over" 9/14/2016
H in basement 24/7 with EX/OM
BD#2: 3/20/2017 I plan to move out "soon" I LRT
me: 42, H, 41, EX/OM, 37
D 10, Son 7
M to H = 20 years
EX/OM moved in 10 years ago
Surv1ve #2775423 01/15/18 05:36 AM
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ditto on what Surv1ve said! Buy yourself a brand spankin new notebook and label it "divorce negotiations" - write down dates and events.
Ex. Son's baseball game, deposits from unknown accounts (account #s dates and times)
Brava Surv1ve for catching that one.

Good grief.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
bttrfly #2775429 01/15/18 07:20 AM
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I read somewhere in my paperwork that all assets must be disclosed, and if the info is found to be intentionally withheld, that person may end up losing it all to the other spouse. That is a big big no no.

Good work finding that out! I agree with the others about keeping notes with your H behavior. He is being very PA and immature so far.

I am not totally sure, but I think your boys, at their age, might have some say in what they want? Did your L mention anything about that? Once you sit down with them about what is happening, just you and them, you can find out their wishes and comfort levels. I know your H is being a poop, but you have to keep in mind what will be best in the long run for the boys. You know best, but if you know your H truly loves them and is a good dad, I would keep his immature antics towards you separate. For my S, knowing we both love him dearly, both have our time with him, and both put him first before our issues with each other, has kept his world balanced. I hope, even if your H isn't grounded enough right now to handle things that way, your ability to will help the boys.

I am glad to hear your L is working well for you. You also sound like you are handling things well. Hopefully, as things progress, your H will calm down a bit. I hope.

((((HW))))


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
bttrfly #2775440 01/15/18 08:33 AM
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HaWho, sorry your H is being such a bully. He is definitely pushing your buttons in the hope you will bite so he can justify why he is divorcing you.

I think you are doing great in the circumstances. I think I would be a heap on the floor if I had to deal with that level of spitefulness!

(((HaWho)))


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Coly23 #2775443 01/15/18 08:46 AM
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I'm so sorry HaWho,

You've gone through so much (((cwtch)))

Westo #2775445 01/15/18 08:59 AM
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I just read the happy again posts from somewhere in the sticky notes where a MLC spouse confirms about pushing our buttons to justify their crappy actions. My H has admitted to that, too.

Man, do your best to give him no fodder but I think I'm also asking you to dodge a hail of bullets.

I am so admiring of your strength. Gosh, can your H go to his apartment already? Give you some much-deserved peace.


BD#1: "marriage is over" 9/14/2016
H in basement 24/7 with EX/OM
BD#2: 3/20/2017 I plan to move out "soon" I LRT
me: 42, H, 41, EX/OM, 37
D 10, Son 7
M to H = 20 years
EX/OM moved in 10 years ago
Surv1ve #2775469 01/15/18 12:53 PM
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Thanks one and all!

Job, I ran a report last week; mine is almost 800 and h's is over 800.

And yes, like many of you say, I think he is pushing buttons, picking fights to justify why I am so awful that I deserve this. I can see it, it's just as he did in the beginning. He wants reasons to feel how he does.

Survive - I too read Happy's threads and saw an awful lot of my h there. But the difference is Happy never filed for divorce and he did not have PAs. It is time to really face the gravity of what he's done to our lives and stop excusing it all under that wonderful all encompassing umbrella of MLC. He is taking my kids from me 50% of the time. These are valuable years and I have to give up 50% so he can go to an apartment and grow up all over again.

No, I'll be honing in on making my own happiness, for me and my kids. As my L told me (with exasperation): "you better stop focusing on him. Because the more you focus on him the less you focus on you and your own kids." Exactly what we're told here.

Recently I read TXHubby's threads and really understood that for many, they just don't want to r. It's arduous. After 2 - 3 more years of this and then a few more years of depression/acceptance he'll be coming in on 10 hrs. On several occasions, I have seen the very little boy, 6 or 7 years old. I think that makes sense for him based on the level of emotional stunting that happened to him.

And let's say he makes it through all that. Then there is recovery from the OW he will have. And while I understand the psychology of that, it doesn't mean I want that written into my life story. And best of all? There will always be the wonder that maybe, just maybe, he didn't full complete and that glitch will cause this all to repeat. And will I always be looking over my shoulder for signs of that?

This whole thing is like March of the Penguins.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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