You haven't even been served. Depending on your jurisdiction, you will be given 20 or more days to file an answer. Even then, in the early stages of a lawsuit, it is customary to get a time extension.
If he wants to move that quickly, and he is causing so much drama, why not ask him to go somewhere else until his apartment becomes available (presumably why he wants to move on the 30th?).
Why not suggest you guys tell the kids now. Then he doesn't have that as a threat over your head and he has to begin dealing with the consequences of his action, something these folks don't like.
When I did extensive research on the topic, most things I read said tell the kids a while before the move out to give them time to adjust. He's down in the basement anyway.
Maybe telling the kids and suggesting he go ahead and move will be enough to target his energy in a different direction. It will at least show him that you are not trying to hold on and are taking steps to get him out.
He's just going to continue to badger you otherwise.
I want to wait to tell the kids because s14 has exams for high school. They matter and his classes are the real deal at a serious high school.
He has the apartment but I assume no bed yet.
He is all over this. And I am working between stalling for son and a maniac. I will call s14's school and delay exams if he bombs him inappropriately.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Don't forget that if it gets ugly for your S, and he is seeing a counselor and dealing with depression (which I get the idea manifests in not doing and/or turning in work), then quickly look into getting a 504 plan/IEP in place which can give him extra time to complete work, tests, etc. until things calm down. As he moves through high school and things stabilize, you can remove it.
HaWho, I’m so sorry it came to this… I agree with others, it is probably time go get things moving, one way or another. It sounds like you are handling it pretty well. I completely understand your hesitation regarding the lawyers. It took me some time before I was ready to make the appointments and interview a few. I was not rushed thought, as H was not pushing for anything. It looks like you have no choice.
A lot of lawyers do first free consultations. I can schedule a few of those before you make you final choice. I think you are in the same state as I am. One of the law firms I went to was in downtown. They gave me a lot of important information. They also told me that by making an appointment with them, I was making it an official record (they put my visit in their system), and by the state law this date could be considered a date of separation. This means that any debt and earnings made by me or H would not be considered common property. So, I would advise you to keep all the records of your consultations.
They also told me that not all lawyers do litigation, if it comes to it. They said that they had a great success in litigation. This is something to consider when you select a lawyer.
I think it is a great plan to call S14th school in case H delivers his “surprise” before the final exams. I think your H know that you would be concerned about your son’s exams, and this is why is bullying you. Please don’t give up, don’t rush with any decisions. Your son will recover; he will be able to catch up. Your finances are very important right now, and your son will benefit from a good decision you make.
You’ve got a lot of great advice here. Hang in there… Sending you lots of love!
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Your situation breaks my heart a lot, because I feel like your H's dorm and my H's basement bedroom have been similar situations. It also sounds like you are ready.
After a period of relative calm and your unending sense of humor at your H's antics, it must feel so awful to have this maniac phase oh sudden EMERGENCY. But, it's his emergency and not yours, as much as he is going to try to make it yours. This may be the most important business decision of your life, so don't let him rush you and, if possible, use his eagerness to get a large portion of a settlement.
My H dropped the bomb on me on a Friday and thought we could settle everything by Sunday. He kept pressuring me. The "go through lawyers" line got a lot of pushback initially, but I just held to it and kept refusing to discuss it and would leave the room whenever someone brought it up. I eventually threatened to document further boundary violations as harassment. I think you could definitely use the line "in order to keep the emotional tension low for the sake of our children, I would like to continue these conversations through lawyers."
I am, again, so sorry that it's come to this, but I do hope that window you're escaping through gets bigger and becomes soothing.
BD#1: "marriage is over" 9/14/2016 H in basement 24/7 with EX/OM BD#2: 3/20/2017 I plan to move out "soon" I LRT me: 42, H, 41, EX/OM, 37 D 10, Son 7 M to H = 20 years EX/OM moved in 10 years ago
Thank you Bright, Ownit and Survive. Such good info. Bright much thanks on asking if lawyers litigate; many do not I have learned.
Spent the morning talking to lawyers on consults and I feel better. I understand the process now and my rights for the next few steps. I understand that I have 30 days to sign the petition. And although he is telling me we have to agree on division of assets this weekend, that is far from true. We have to go through a period of discovery. It is a process and not an overnight one.
Read the papers and h claims we separated 3/15. That is when he moved downstairs but that summer he took us all away for my birthday, bought me roses, we slept in the same bed and then he moved back into the MBR until October 15. Not sure it matters as it seems in my state things hinge on the 10 year mark and we are all past that. Wonder why he wrote it? Did he forget or is he angling. I'll know soon enough.
Today there was an email from him asking me to let him know if I was signing today or not. He will do this to me every day of this process, I realize. As Survive says, it's his maniac emergency, not mine. I hear Wonka: stay calm and don't engage. I do not think it will be possible to work with his energy as KML advises because he is too irrational. If I don't agree to asset division right there on the spot without a lawyer, then he spews. There is no making him happy except to agree with his horrible logic. I know now that he is looking to justify just as he did in the early days. Your eggs are overlooked I am out of here! You won't sign the petition the second it comes? You are hostile and dead to me.
Woke up this morning after my 4th day of running a massive sleep deficit. First thought was: I've been here before, I did it once and I'll do it again. Then I will be done. This is just like the days after BD1 was he was frenetic, everything was an emergency; he was living a pell mell existence. And I tried to appease because I was too enmeshed to see how crazy it all was. But this time I see it's nuts. And I am going to center myself for this last and final storm.
Have a consult tomorrow with the lawyer my friend recommended. Pretty sure he'll be my guy based on her experience and his reviews.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Sounds good. Yes, but discovery is expensive. In my typical case (not family law), the suit costs about 1 million per side and discovery is probably 50% of that. Lots of motions as well.
Make sure the attorney is grounded and realistic with your goals and a budget. Make sure it is someone that won't encourage you to fight every battle, and instead focus your time, energy, and money on the ones that matter.
I think you need to make the decision to tell him off once and for all (hey bud, everything is going through the lawyers, don't talk to me about this again), or simply ignore every, single thing he does.
If you answer sometimes, it will just keep it raging.
Yes, we all remember the early BD days when they are excited about the "freedom" and having things in the open. And then, as Job reminds us again and again, six months later reality sets in. That is going to be MAJOR for your wallower.
I wouldn't agree to his separation date. There must be a reason, even if it is his psychological justification for his actions. Make sure to discuss it with your attorney, but I think the HaWho I read about was working on this marriage up until last week and rightfully claim she thought they were in a reconciliation period.
Does the separation date affect alimony in your state? I know that it took two years for my ex and I to finalize our divorce after he moved out - but the length of the marriage for alimony purposes was based on the separation date. I think you can effectively argue that date. Otherwise if you live in a state where you have to be separated for a year before you can finalize the divorce, you may not want to debate that point as it would keep you tied to him too. Good thing to discuss with your lawyer.
I recall during my settlement talks that they looked mainly at the financial separation date for assessing property division. That is, the date at which we no longer had comingled finances.
Under the grounds for divorce here, it requires a "separation for the purposes of ending the marriage" and allows trial reconciliations of up to 90 days that don't reset the date.
It grazes the edge of perjury but I was certainly open to picking whatever date she wanted including all the way back to BD. It wasn't necessary though because things dragged out. But again - my ex hasn't seemed to be in a hurry about anything.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
