I had my opinion on the custody schedule, but I decided to go to the expert first. My 10 year old daughter who has been living the 2-home life since she was a baby. My ex and I do not have 50/50 custody, but I asked her if me and her father split the week evenly how would she want it and what wouldn't she want. I left it pretty open ended to get an honest answer (of course I told her I was asking for a friend). She told me she would want a few nights at one house and a few nights at another and would NOT want to pop back an forth every other night. Completely unprompted she told me she would not at all want to split weekends. Definitely likes alternating. We split weekends once in a blue moon when one parent has a commitment.
You have a high schooler who may make his own decision. You have an 11 year old who is old enough to have input. We both know your H did not consider at all what was best for his kids, only what was best for him when making this schedule. Most 50/50 parenting plans I know do Friday night thru Monday day every other week, then one parent has Monday Tuesday and the other has Wednesday Thursday.
Your kids may not want to stay there over night. You might want to come up with a plan to tackle that one. They are older and they have seen his behavior, how he acts like a kid. They might be worried they won't get meals or get them to their activities..... I can almost guarantee they see you as the only source of security, and may not want to leave that. And I can't say I blame them one bit.
This might get ugly, but I really think you shouldn't worry about that. The only thing you should worry about is the kids. Because you are the only one who really has for many years. They are fortunate to have you.
I also checked with my kids on their feeling about the custody schedule we've had in place for the last 3 yrs. I am still in the marital home and he found an apartment about 1 mile from our home. My kids hate the back and forth even though the houses are so close.
I agree with talking with your boys and trying to figure out what works for you and them, not necessarily him.
I'm not sure where you are, but in my area if you go to court custody is determined in nights only. My H sees our kids everyday after school for 2 hrs and has them all day every day all summer long. So, when calculating hours, he actually sees our kids more than I do in terms of waking hours.
In addition to after school every day they also sleep at his house every Sunday and Monday night.
It is not an ideal situation for the boys, but right now it is working ok, so we are going to stay with it.
I also agree the back and forth during the week (even though you are going to be so geographically close) would be difficult.
My kids friends are all closer to our home than my H's apartment, so as my kids are getting older, they would prefer to be home more because their friends are there.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this. The custody arrangement was the hardest for me to get through. I still struggle with the fact that I can't provide one home for my kids.
Last edited by job; 01/26/1808:21 AM. Reason: added spaces between paragraphs
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
Lots of different answers here! What it comes down to is what works for you and the boys, and it may take some tweaking. In my case, S was 6. No way did I or S feel comfortable going with H for a week at a time, he was too irresponsible and unstable at the time. I stood my ground and dug my heels in on that one. S was also pretty verbal about wanting to be with me. We came up with S going with H every Monday night, Thursday night, and every other Saturday night. It is not 50/50 but we haven't been dealing with the courts yet.
S is now almost 11 and I check in with him about the schedule every now and then. He says it still works for him. We have done some tweaking because of H work schedule, so instead of H taking him to school on his mornings, he drops S back off at home, I take him to school every morning. The Saturday night has also evolved to Saturday around 1:00 until Sunday about 3:00. We are pretty flexible with each other too. Oh and dog goes with S. It is a comfort for him so why not.
S best friend does 1 full week rotation with each parent. For me and S, we would not ever like or want that. Honestly I think it would be too much for H. I know, his problem, but it would effect my S. S explains it as, he can deal with staying at daddy's for a night knowing he will be back home the next night.
My opinion, talk to the boys. They are old enough to have an opinion. See their reaction to the full week schedule or mixed days schedule. I know it sounds like a lot of back and forth, but it really isn't a big deal for us. It has become a routine we are used to, we both make an effort to have S spend time with friends, and S is still a straight A student so no effect on school or school work.
I see this to be the hardest part of this mess. I hate that our babies have to deal with this. I have no real words of comfort, it really stinks, but I have grown to enjoy most of my free time. Do what works for you and the boys HW.
M
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
I hope he has settled down in the attacks on you and the mafia speeches he has been giving.
It will be interesting to see if the years he spent wallowing will cause him to burn through replay faster. I know that Cadet on the other board he participates on says that the harder they hit replay the faster they go through it.
How are the kids doing? I imagine that with him ignoring you and preparing to go that they have gotten wind that something is amiss.
Thanks all. I appreciate all the input. It helped me formalize a plan.
I hear you Heather. That battle is a big one and ugly one. I am hesitant to drag my kids through it and I feel they are old enough to begin to have more input very soon.
We told the kids. H woke S14 up at 8AM to do it. Was that really necessary?
The worst is he told them to think about how they react to all this as they'll be men someday. Awful. He also said they're old enough to handle this. Terrible.
He told them the reason he wants D is marriage is to show them an affectionate relationship where a man and a woman hold hands and hug and the man holds doors for the woman. (Can't he do all that? And is that really what marriage is about?!? What about upholding your vows and working at it? Bizarre.)
He told them he's had to stay in that small room and he's not that kinda guy; he's a "big personality." (No one locked him in there and he's been a wallflower since 2012.) He said he could keep living in there for the next 6 years until S12 left for college but then I'd end up all alone and so he was doing this all for me. (Later s14 said I better not have a boyfriend and I am sure the seed was planted from this bizarre comment.)
After I said my part: I did not want this for our family, I love and support you, your school won't change, your rooms are here; I am here to listen to all you have to say and accept all that you feel, etc.
When I was done h said he didn't want this either. S14 said: so what are you doing it then?
The kids went off to process alone. Later they came out to my room--their safe haven all these years. They ate pancakes in my bed. They started to talk in dribs and drabs. They are shocked. I overhead them saying there was no reason h had to stay in that room all the time.
H tried to talk to them. They were polite but asked him to leave them alone. KML is right in that they didn't feel safe discussing it with him. They showed me anger and sadness and shock. I validated. They asked when I found out and I said just days ago.
H left.
As for me? I feel relief. The anxiety of it all was weighing on me. It's time for him to go to his greener pastures.
As always, I am thankful to you all. Special thanks for the advice you gave me to move along like he wouldn't wake up.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho, I'm sorry it came to that, but it sounds like it went as well as it could. My H said the same thing about showing them an affectionate relationship (with OW1 at the time). He has still not mentioned OW2, but then again he doesn't really talk to them or see them.
I think it will get better from here. It did for me. My kids tried a few times to discuss their feelings. H is completely incapable of hearing any of that and literally runs from them.
One strong parent. One person they can trust. It is enough. You will teach them how to be decent, kind men. He is unable to do that.
I am very sorry it has come to this, but I am like you...why wake someone up at 8:00 a.m. to tell him that he is getting a divorce from the child's mother? The only explanation that I have for that is to catch the kids off guard because they aren't fully awake at that time. What a coward!
I think what he told your sons is a load of BS. He's trying to sugar coat the fact that he was the one that opted to live in the dorm room. No one forced him to do that and your sons know that. Oh, yeah, he's doing for you alright...he's trying to paint himself the martyr. Well, he'll never reach sainthood spouting such stuff.
Your sons haven't felt comfortable around their father for quite some time and it's you that the come to when they need to talk or get support. I know you'll always have the door open to them. They are going to have a lot of questions and observations in the days ahead.
As for your home, I think you'll feel a lot of relief in the days ahead. The walking around on eggshells will be gone and stability and order will once again take place. BTW, be sure to leave the window open in that dorm room for a while. It will be interesting to see if he shares w/you the address of where he's living.
Stay strong and positive and most importantly, do not allow him to bully/manipulate you into doing anything you do not feel is right.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Do NOT let him parentify those children, if there's any way you can avoid it. That jumped out at me immediately. I'd raise that as a concern to your lawyer. I will be back later when I have a bit more time xoxo hugs
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Bttrfly - I thought of you when he said that parentifying junk.
Job - yeah, they are asking me why we are divorcing. They think it is sudden (their BD) and his reasons were strange to them. We don't fight, argue and we've had some good times these last few years. I don't know how to answer this one. H's reasons were really lame, not what marriage is based on.
And yes, Job, he's already started with his nonsense. He wanted to be able to get his own mail from here! Err, WRONG! I told him in no uncertain terms I will give him any mail he receives.
Next up was his grand plan to leave all his junk in the garage. And there's a lot of it; remember the car parts? Lots of old big stuff that is pure junk. His plan was for me to store it for him. I told him no way. I want it out. I've seen how that goes from Andrew's wife and Mleigh's husband.
So then he said he'll sell it the junk out of my garage over the next few weeks. Wrong again! I told him I work full time and will not be able to grant him access to my garage. (That felt great to say after months of hearing that garage door at all hours.) And I also told him I don't want people trolling my property without me here as it's not safe and we have a lot of robberies in my neighborhood.
Lastly I said, we are separated. You are moving out. Separated people take their stuff with them and sell it from THEIR houses. He said the move will take two days. If his stuff is not out, I will have it hauled out and bill it to him.
My kids have big hearts. It is as Job said. The three is us upstairs supporting each other. H bought drinks and carried them up to bribe them. S14 was worried how the dog would adjust. So heartbreaking. S12 told me he feels he has no family. So hard to swallow that.
And where is h? In his room watching tv with the door closed.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
That scene sounds awful. So so sorry for you and the boys. You're a tough cookie and so are they--ironically, what your H just did--in an effort to make himself sound better, he brought you and the boys closer. Kids know who the sane parent is. They just do. There's no hiding that fact.
When I caught up on your situation, it brought back some memories of my own D, which took a long time and became pretty ugly. M ex-H threw all he had at me.
Remember, just because you are vocal about what you want, it doesn't mean you will end up at trial and dragging your kids through the mud. Sometimes it's as simple as letting your attorney and his know your concerns, which are valid and worth fighting for... your H does NOT want his crazee broadcasted. Use that against him. Don't be bullied.
Take it from a master at being bullied. I learned the hard way... most of what he threatens, just like the original "let's do this without attorneys" is B.S. It's all bluff to scare you and maintain control. He's his attorney's problem now. And, don't think for a second that his attorney can't see his crazee.
My suggestion is this, now that I'm on the other side: You get one opportunity here to protect your children. Consider what hill you are prepared to die on. For me, it was the kids and retirement.
Early on, my ex-H threatened to take the kids 50/50, in order to avoid child support. In my case, it never came to any psych eval/drug test. He bailed before things got serious. His M.O. was to disappear and everyone knew he was an addict. But, he threatened me with a ton.
-What I did, however, was have my attorney make it clear that I would ask for a drug test, in particular, if he requested 50/50. -I also made sure my youngest saw more than one psychologist/counselor... in order to provide feedback to the court if necessary. In both cases, our D, 11 or so at the time, made it clear what was going on with her Dad and how she didn't want to see him.
What's the one thing an MLC-er wants to avoid at any cost? The shame and embarrassment of who they have become. When the truth rears it's head, they go back under their rock. This may be as simple as a letter from your attorney making it known you don't see your H as competent right now. You've seen his behavior alter dramatically in the past however many years.
I suspect, your H will run and hide if you call his bluff. Even if he doesn't, your kids will see that you fought hard to protect them. But, you can let your attorney handle it.
Maybe let your attorney know you are not comfortable with 50/50, ask about a guardian ad litem, get the boys in to see a professional
**Put it out there to H's attorney and yours, that you have concerns about this proposed arrangement. Provide some documentation to your attorney about some of the crazee behavior. Let his attorney know, you want a professional opinion on what's best for the boys and have them suggest an objective counselor.
And, Congratulations on getting to the part where he is OUT OF THE HOUSE!!! REST. RECHARGE. YOU got this.
Get clear on what you want. You won't get everything, but, in my case, I got the important issues in my favor--custody of our youngest and retirement.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
