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A Message from Michele
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Re: Calling HaWho [Re: AndrewP] #2775024
01/11/18 10:36 PM
01/11/18 10:36 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,419
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline
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bttrfly  Offline
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Massachusetts
you sound much better, more grounded and that's good. Don't let him wear you down! This is a war.

xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
BD April 6, 2015
D Final 12/23/16

Gratitude, love, compassion, humor, service

"And the days that I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations, well, I have really good days"
Re: Calling HaWho [Re: bttrfly] #2775031
01/12/18 01:21 AM
01/12/18 01:21 AM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 25,434
Maryland
job Offline

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job  Offline

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Posts: 25,434
Maryland
HaWho,

I would certainly correct the separation date, whether it matters or not. You do not want data that is incorrect on the record.

Just a little side note of what went down w/my xh...he had the incorrect date of separation, as well as couldn't remember our address. I had my lawyer correct the info so that the record was correct. I don't think they can actually think in near term, pretty much like dementia patients at this point in time.

Good luck today. Once you retain a lawyer, you can most certainly advise him in a very calm manner that anything he needs to address w/you regarding the papers, can be addressed through the lawyers. Then end the conversation. The badgering will continue as he is acting out and he thinks that if he continues to badger you, both being nice and then nasty, you will cave and say "enough" and sign and/or agree to whatever he puts in front of you. Stand firm, remain calm and breathe! You've got this.

Re: Calling HaWho [Re: job] #2775061
01/12/18 04:18 AM
01/12/18 04:18 AM
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 46
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mm2bs Offline
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Posts: 46
HaWho,
You have gotten a lot of great advice so far from others much more experienced than me, but I wanted to throw my 2 cents in as well.

I think sometimes the fear of the unknown is much much greater than anything in reality. I hope you have seen the divorce complaint by now. I was dreading the day mine arrived in the mail, but honestly once I opened it and read it I was filled with a sense of relief. Like your H, mine was really out there when he filed and the complaint was full of errors even though it was prepared by a pretty competent lawyer. It was obvious my H had not read it and simply signed. Seeing this legal document I was so fearful of receiving so error-filled actually made me laugh and reminded me again my H was not in his right mind.

I'll reiterate again to make sure to take your time. Figure out what you want and go for that. I was fortunate that my H and I made about equivalent salaries. I've always worked and I was in charge of the finances, so I had a head start there. Custody was/still is our big battle and to me I was willing to give up money/child support to have more time with mine.

I see everyone's point about striking early while the WS is anxious to get out, but in my case it worked out in my favor to take a little longer. With time my H got a little less "crazy" and had I agreed to the initial proposal early on I would have ended up with much less. Many people IRL suggested I just settle, but in my gut I knew I needed to keep pushing. I am glad I did.

You know your H and your situation the best, so just keep listening to your inner voice. You have already shown an abundance of patience to last this long with your H, dig deep for just a little more so you can get what you want/need.


M: Early 40s H: late 30s
2 kids under 10
M: 15 yrs
BD: 7/14
S: 10/14
Re: Calling HaWho [Re: mm2bs] #2775194
01/12/18 06:45 PM
01/12/18 06:45 PM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,197
US
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BrightFuture Offline
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US
HaWho, I am sure the lawyer you choose will give the correct info about the separation date. I dont think it could be any date for your H to declare. It has to have some legal weight. Im almost 100% positive that it will be the date your H took an action, either consulting with the lawyer or filing for the D, not the date he had in his sick head. I believe there are some provisions in our state about the benefits you get after certain number of years, and I believe it is at least 10 years.

Your situation is different from others. I agree with advice to get what you can right of the bet, while your H feels an urgency to get out and also feels some guilt. I think I did a smart move when my H said that he didnt want the house and could have it, so I refied to my name and he singed a paper giving the house to me. I think later (in a year or two) he regretted it, but it was too late  , I have the house now. It could be different with your H, since hes been brewing slowly in his dorm room If you can get the best deal for you, go for it. If not, you could wait. It will cost you more money for the lawyer, but if it would have a better financial outcome for you, it would be worth it.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Re: Calling HaWho [Re: BrightFuture] #2775203
01/12/18 10:48 PM
01/12/18 10:48 PM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 570
NZ
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LouR Offline
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Hi HaWho,

I am so sad and shocked to read your latest development. I am so so sorry that you are now facing his next crazy move, he really has lost it.

Everyone is giving you great advice and guiding you well, I know you can do this, you are incredibly strong and rational and understand that right now its a case of protecting yourself and your boys, don't give him an inch.

I have no experience in this area so will let the others here do the talking, but please know I am thinking about you and sending you love and hugs xoxo

Re: Calling HaWho [Re: LouR] #2775245
01/13/18 07:34 AM
01/13/18 07:34 AM
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,259
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peacetoday Offline
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Ha who,

I too am sorry to read about the latest

The D was also the time for me when things got ugly
MY xh and I were pretty friendly until that time
He didn't like the fact that I was going to take care of myself
but when things got out in the open from the L I realized MY xh was not only spending a fortune on OW but was gambling and ruining our business

the difficult part Im sure for you is he still lives there

My friend who was already D told me to get a good L
at that time I didn't really understand , but as the process went on I realized although
expensive was worth it

I have another friend who let her XH navigate the D and she signed his papers
She trusted him
she lost every single thing including any alimony/support or retirement plans

Seems like you are getting lots of good support and you will get through this part also
and it will probably be so much easier after he leaves
the house will be brighter with no MLC energy
The kids already know a lot
they see he is off
and you have been there for everyone from he start
they will adjust
You H will probably get worse like so many others do once he leaves and replay is even more ramped up
you have done all you could but maybe its time for you to be free so you can create a better life for yourself


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Re: Calling HaWho [Re: peacetoday] #2775261
01/13/18 01:20 PM
01/13/18 01:20 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,389
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HaWho Offline
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Posts: 1,389
Thank you Job, Bright, MM, Lou and Peace. As always, forever thankful for all the advice.

Peace, yes, mine told me we were to "share a lawyer" he had secured. So I asked, so you have a mediator? He said "no, a lawyer, we can share." ?!? I tried to tell him that isn't possible but then just gave up. Of course his lawyer said he couldn't advise us both. Mine also wanted to draft the whole thing with his lawyer and have me sign. He made a very compelling argument: it'll be faster and cheaper. The problem is there's no one to help me navigate the paperwork, what I am entitled to, what issues should I cover, etc. He thinks I'm being hostile. But in a D isn't it extremely common for both parties to get Ls?

Anyway, when he found out I got a L he flipped out. He had some choice words emailed to me, well, a page worth of choice words. And now he ignores me completely. He hates me. Of course he has a L, maybe I should draft everything and he should just sign. Oh, and my L asked his L to tell him to refrain from communicating with me about all this. He flipped over that, too. Big time control issues and loads and loads of PA behavior.

I am pretty stressed out and not sleeping well. I am ready for him to leave. I did ask my Dr. for something mild to help me sleep. I think this will help clear my thinking. Looking forward to some sleep tonight.

Bracing to tell the kids about it. Oh, I hope he doesn't do it without me. Any advice here?


Me: 41 H: 47, M 15 yrs., S11 & S13
BD # 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD # 2: 3/31/15 H moves downstairs to his "dorm room"
8/15: H moves to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files
Re: Calling HaWho [Re: HaWho] #2775264
01/13/18 02:06 PM
01/13/18 02:06 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 14,108
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kml Offline
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kml  Offline
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K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 14,108
Yes it is absolutely normal to each have your own lawyer. My ex and I did mediation but we each also had our own lawyers on the side to consult with. It's important for you to know whether you're getting a fair shake.
The only time it would make sense to use one lawyer is if there were no kids, no assets or debts and similar incomes.

As for telling the boys - I know lots of people advise saying it's mutual. I refused to say that as I very much still wanted my marriage at that time. But maybe in your case you'd feel more comfortable saying that? I dunno.

The most important thing is to be calm (if you're panicked they'll be panicked) and reassure them that you both love them and that their lives are going to continue (same house same school). You might be surprised, once they see how relaxed and happy the household is without him around they might quite enjoy it. And at least initially your H may play Disney dad so they might get some actual quality time with him.

You need to be their rock. Hide your stress as much as you can. Stick to the high road and don't badmouth their dad no matter what he says about you. They will respect you for it and for not putting them in the middle.

Re: Calling HaWho [Re: kml] #2775266
01/13/18 02:12 PM
01/13/18 02:12 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,389
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HaWho Offline
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HaWho  Offline
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Posts: 1,389
Thanks KML - no I have zero intention of saying it was mutual. NONE of what has happened these last year's has been mutual.

One last question if h tried to say it was mutual "your mom and I," how would you respond?


Me: 41 H: 47, M 15 yrs., S11 & S13
BD # 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD # 2: 3/31/15 H moves downstairs to his "dorm room"
8/15: H moves to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files
Re: Calling HaWho [Re: HaWho] #2775270
01/13/18 04:20 PM
01/13/18 04:20 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 14,108
K
kml Offline
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kml  Offline
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Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 14,108
I would say "It's not what I want, but your father has made his decision ". Then move quickly on to how you both live the kids, and that won't change.

Also - be prepared for the kids to act out in the future ON YOU. This is because you are the safe parent - they can vent on you without risking losing you, while they don't dare vent on H.

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