Dang - was able to get the first two paragraphs by breaking them down but it won't post the next. Don't know what the problem is and don't want to retype the whole long post
If you press the "quick-quote" button on a blank posting it comes back to life as a new post.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
This time I feel I better understand him. And his pulling away probably is just a reaction against me getting a little too close. Although it's remotely possible that like mt first Love Avoidant boyfriend after my ex left, he's giving up his Avoidant ways to reunite with a long lost love. (Mr. FWB DID mention his ex-fiancee in passing at our last visit - from like 25 years ago - and at a different point mentioned that I and my ex boyfriend would "always have that connection" - hmmmm.)
Either way - if Mr. FWB has been radio silent for the last week and a half because he can't stand the closeness or because his ex is sweeping him off his feet - it's not really a big concern to me. He's been honest with me from the beginning about his limitations and I'm thankful for his honesty. Right now it's just like a science experiment - how long will it take before he emerges and replies to a text? Will he have some lame excuse? Has he been sick? Did he fall and couldn't get up? Is he reuniting with the ex? Or is it pure LOve Avoidant fear of closeness? I'm taking bets.
Meanwhile - the real reason I got on this subject is that I wonder how many of you here were possibly in a marriage with a Love Avoidant? Especially the men who may have been married to Avoidant wives (as I suspect Avoidant men are more likely to remain single).
It's also becoming clearer to me why Love Avoidants attract Love Addicts. This unexpected silence would drive a Love Addict crazy - they'd be banging down the doors and engaging in the dance. A secure attachment person would usually just move on like I did last time.
I'm not sure if those labels applied to myself or my ex.
We were the hand-holding extra-cute couple for pretty much our entire marriage. She was sure from the beginning that I was "the one" and clung to me pretty hard so perhaps she falls into the Love Addict category or at least did then?
For me, I never thought of her as a soul-mate or such things but I did adore her and she knew it. I (largely) recognized her flaws and accepted them knowing she wasn't "perfect" for me but knowing that there was no such creature.
Writing that out just caused some deja-WTF - but distance does give perspective.
One thing that bothered me about her was how certain needy people would barnacle themselves to her. Annoying to me, but she seemed to like it. OM was very likely one of those and the fact that he was available and had a large bank account added some sparkle that boring and reliable old AndrewP didn't have. She started her affair almost simultaneously with us finally getting completely clear of all consumer debt which had had us scrimping and saving for years and years.
I actually looked up the terms love avoidant / addict. I have a pretty good opinion of myself and like to believe in the best of anyone that I encounter so perhaps I'm in the "secure" category? With that said, I'd be delighted to have say - a particular bank teller calling me and suggesting we go on adventures.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Well as of today it's been 11 days of radio silence from my Love Avoidant friend. Place your bets on how long he'll go before he pops up out of his hole!
I've been texting him but sparingly. Only once every 2-3 days. Maybe a comment on the news here, a question about a book there. Today I asked him a question about what traffic will be like in his town Sunday as I am moving one of my sons there on Sunday and it turns out there's a huge Gay Pride celebration that day.
No response. If this was a normal friend I'd be sending the cops out for a welfare check about now lol! But Love Avoidants do this. Just go underground at times.
One Avoidant guy I dated tried to tell me he didn't call me all week because he cracked the screen on his cell phone. The guys in my band laughed hysterically at the idea I would buy that story!
So my guess is I won't hear from him for another week. What's your bet? And what's the longest you've been ghosted ?
No response. If this was a normal friend I'd be sending the cops out for a welfare check about now lol! But Love Avoidants do this. Just go underground at times.
Actually, if John Gray of Men are from Mars Women are from Venous fame is correct, he says this is a trait of all or at least most men - not just love avoidants. He calls is "going to his cave" and suggests that women just let men go to their caves when needed and not try to coax or push them out. He says it has nothing to do with them (the woman) but is how men deal with problems. On Venus, women want to talk, talk, talk about but not necessarily solve, their problems. Men don't - they go to their cave. I agree with John Gray - at least it certainly fits me.
All that said, how much are you willing to put up with from these guys? At what point is he just using you when it fits his moods? While I agree with going to my cave, I don't do it in radio silence. I will let the person know I'm busy, or I cracked my phone screen if that's the claim, in advance so they not expect to hear from me. But honestly KML, it almost looks like you are rather invested in whatever level of R you have, but he is not. He's just living his life the way he wants to without much regard. You would not put up with this from a friend - why then from a friend with benefits? And I'm sure you also know that every time you send another text, every couple of days, it resets the clock as to when you'll hear from him again. I'd stop that and let him come to you. Otherwise it really looks like pursuit - even of a FWB.
Just my thoughts.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
No, normal non-Love Avoidant guys don't go radio silent for weeks at a time. Guys going into their caves are normal for short periods but this behavior is only Love Avoidants in my experience.
No, I'm not really invested - I've always known this guy wasn't capable of more. Right now my life is so busy and stressed that he is a welcome break from my otherwise tumultuous life, but I only have time to see him maybe once a month at best. (He's like going away to a spa for a night - enjoyable but if the spa closes I'll find another one.)I don't have the time and energy for real dating right now, maybe later in the summer I will. Meanwhile it's just kind of interesting to watch - like a science experiment. But like I said, reading again about it makes me wonder how many here were in marriages with Love Avoidants and didn't realize it? It might explain a lot to them.
