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#2769048 11/23/17 05:11 AM
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kml Offline OP
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When I first came to these boards many years ago, shell shocked, betrayed and afraid, I never could have envisioned the life that would follow. It's not the life I expected, but it's pretty good! So I'm going to list the things I'm grateful for in the post-divorce life:

My career has flourished. I'm still not making the kind of money I'd like to, but I love my work, and as my alimony ends in a year, I do have avenues to increase my income. My business partner and I are even planning to write a book. Meantime I make enough, and enjoy going to work everyday, and doing good in the world. I'm invited to teach other physicians and involved in an intellectually challenging and exciting new approach to medicine.

My adult kids - they all have some serious struggles but they are good people, and I have an excellent relationship with each of them.

Music - I bought that drum kit when my ex was leaving and never looked back! I've played drums in a band, toured playing vibraphone and snare drum, played vibes on a professional album - a lot of fun stuff for an amateur who didn't start percussion until age 53. And something that never would have happened if my ex hadn't left. Thanks ex!

Friends - I've made new, and better, friends since my ex left. He tended to dominate our social life, and didn't want to spend time with any people who weren't "his type" - which meant that some of the people I was friendly with or would have liked to be friends with fell by the wayside. Now I'm free to choose my friends without judgment from my ex, and I enjoy those people enormously.

My mom - she's 85, lives with me, still works three days a week. If I was still married I never could have been there for my mom in this way since my ex would never have wanted to have her live with us (even though she was never anything but nice to him! ).

My finances - no, they're not what they would be if we were still married, but they're adequate. And I don't have to worry about some impulsive $5000 purchase throwing off my budget! (My ex once went to a private guitar showing and came back with two new acoustic guitars for $5,000 - purchased so he could look like a big man. I wouldn't have minded if he'd bought one or the other - but both blew a hole in our budget. And mind you, this was a guy who occasionally played the same ten mostly Neil Young songs he learned in college, not a serious musician in any way. Plus he already had a couple decent guitars. ). My financial decisions are my own, I live within my means, and make my plans for my future without an erratic spouse.

Dates - although my long- term relationship goals haven't been reached, I've dated and been appreciated by men who have affirmed my essence. I've had some of the best sex of my life. I've been cherished in ways my ex was incapable of. Life is good.

My home - I looked a long time to find my post-divorce house, and I still love it. The floor plan works well for our multigenerational living, and I'm proud to provide a home for my mom and (currently) two of my kids. The location is good and neighborhood quiet. It's not fancy La Jolla but it works for me.

This board - you all were my lifeline through the pain and painful growth, and still a valued sounding board.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

kml #2769061 11/23/17 10:36 AM
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Oh - and one more thing to be grateful for, that I'm not married to my total jerk of an ex anymore.

I had to contact him recently (something that I avoid doing as much as possible) because our youngest son is aging off his health insurance. This son is suffering from serious (suicidal) depression and anxiety and has Tourette's syndrome. He's having a particularly rocky time at the moment (as in, was visiting in LA and he and his girlfriend had a dramatic fight in the middle of the night, cops called and he was taken to ER for psych evaluation. I can only imagine what that would have cost without insurance). He's been trying but unable to find steady work.

Anyway, this is the son who isn't speaking to his father. I wrote a nice email about my concerns and how I'd like to COBRA his insurance since I'm so worried about his mental health, and would ex pay half? (Son could qualify for Medicaid but the psychiatric coverage is crappy).

His answer : "I won't be able to pay". (Mind you, won't means won't, not can't. He makes over $300 k per year plus his wife makes probably $60-80k plus benefits)

Seriously - I figured out after my divorce that he was somewhat of a narcissist, but I honestly thought he had been a decent father when they were young. It mystifies me how WASs can become walk away parents too.

kml #2769093 11/24/17 06:45 AM
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Hope you had a great Thanksgiving, KML! I've always been appreciative of your knowledge and candor on the boards.

Sounds like you built up quite the life for yourself and it's inspiring! Mehhh- la jolla is over rated. I'm sure your home is lovely!

I hope your son is ok and your ex steps up the plate somehow. Grrrrr.

Enjoy your Friday and have a great weekend.


Me- 30's H- 40's
T-10 M-5
I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15
D filed by H: September 16
Pax_luv #2769155 11/25/17 12:08 PM
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I've now officially given up all hope of the ex stepping up to the plate - ever. This was the final straw.

Even after the divorce I always tried to put the nicest spin possible on his actions to the kids. Now I have to admit, he's just a bad person, and a bad parent.

kml #2769161 11/25/17 12:52 PM
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Sorry kml

Reading that made me so mad. Its just unexplainable. I think the lowest and most pathetic humans on this earth are the ones that abandon and neglect their kids. I am sorry about your son and hope he is ok.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
JujuB #2770280 12/05/17 11:46 AM
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kml Offline OP
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For those of you who follow Humans of New York on FB, today they had a lovely little video of a woman of a certain age talking about this being her "Do-Over Life" and giving herself the things she didn't get when she was younger. I like that approach. I think for most of us here, there's an opportunity for a "Do-Over Life".

kml #2770631 12/07/17 11:11 PM
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yes. it is ! {{{{{hugs}}}}}


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Kml

I want to go and put your xH head up his butt properly and make it go completely where the sun don't shine, so he eats his own brown stuff. With toast.

His vulnerable son needs help and he won't.

I am spitting my words.......

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Yes, it's unfathomable to me as a parent. frown

kml #2770851 12/09/17 01:54 PM
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I am sure it's more than unfathomable!

Here is a wet kipper, hide it somewhere to cover up the stench of entitlement.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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