New LBS dealing with WW Part 4

[Vanilla]

This isn't anger but manipulation.

It is a tactic, and I think it's done with a cold heart.

Blue anger with venom.

There isn't any fog in that brain.

Just scrambled eggs.

V

[Joe2017]

Well. I guess no sense in trying to wait around for the fog to lift.

Looks like I will be moving out soon.

At least I will be free of the abuse.

[NicoleR]

Hi Joe, the only answer I can think of to becoming the lighthouse might going to church or to whatever worship place appeals to you and try to practice the characteristics of that faith with the support of a pastor or priest or whoever is the leader. Pray for you wife, pray together with your kids, let your wife see you becoming more humble, forgiving, and reflective about life. For yourself doing that might help to bring some peace to your heart.

I also relate to the abuse part. That was not my husband before. My 'real' husband was so kind and would take blame for everything just to make me feel good. The new version of my husband is angry and abusive and negligent. If only there were a recipe to bring them back before it's too late. I wish your wife could see herself as a third person. I bet she'd be appalled.

[Joe2017]

Thanks Nicole. I am so heartbroken for the both of us. Our spouses used to be so great, and now they are different people.

I hate that moving us out of the MH will give WW a victory and make me less masculine to her and my boys. Unfortunately she does not see me as anything but a scapegoat and a target for gaslighting now, anyhow. As far as S16, I have plenty of time to make up for it. He already carries himself as a strong young man, so he will be OK. S14 will get brainwashed to hate me by WW. I have sown and planted the seeds, I just hope they take root and grow when he is ready.

Today I figured out what I am so deathly afraid of. I am horribly scared of being alone. It scares me so much. Yeah, I know I'm not ALONE with my boy. But my future was planned out as a family. Now it will just be the two of us. I have no backup in life anymore. I had become so trusting of my wife that I was left completely vulnerable.

I know it is not permanent. I know I will find another even more wonderful woman. But for now, it's going to be the two of us.

Time to saddle up.

[Jim1234]

I have made it clear that I "dumped her". WW has expressed that she harbors resentment from the "dumping" but she shows no signs of being remotely close to finishing her fog.

Dude, you didn't "dump her". She's having an affair. Any resentment she feels from being dumped is to manipulate you.

And yes, for a while, it will just be the two of you. I am one of those guys that loved being married and spending every day with my best friend. I feel your pain. It hurts every day. I picked up D16 today; WAW came to the door and looked great. We had a nice chat while D16 finished getting ready.
And it sucked. If you find a magic pill to take away the pain, let me know. But slowly, very slowly, it does get better.

[Joe2017]

I used "dumped" as in Sandi's definition of the act of ditching. I have no illusions about what is really happening.

[Vanilla]

Joe

WW isn't in a FOG. Fog is fear obligation and guilt. That's you not WW.

There is no such thing as a WW fog. They aren't dissociated, their behaviour is clear as a bell, deliberate and desire to achieve a manipulative objective.

This is internal process to a wayward. They know exactly what they are doing.

This isn't going to shift with a mild breeze blowing and suddenly she sees and it's ooh what did I do to my poor H. Better make it right today.

It's the LBS that dissociated not the wayward.

Just saying.

V

[Vanilla]

And if it helps you to think you 'dumped' her sorry entitled ass. You go right ahead and do so.

V

[sandi2]

I hate that moving us out of the MH will give WW a victory and make me less masculine to her and my boys.

How does it make you look less masculine?

[Joe2017]

Sandi:
I could be off base. It certainly feels like I'm letting her win. I suppose it doesn't have anything to do with masculinity in the grand scheme of things.

I had a candid talk with S14 today while WW was out. He wanted to talk to me in secret. I had to explain what was reality and that was bullsht from WW. Of course all he understood about the sitch is lies from WW. I helped him sort through the lies and explained the reason WW and I don't talk much anymore.

He expressed how hard it is for him when he's with WW. He even tried to get her to talk to a counselor!!! She projected it back on him. I feel awful for S14.

I gave him a game plan to follow in the event of a true crisis. I gave him important phone numbers of family that he didn't have in his phone. I let him know I will always have a place for him in my home no matter where that ends up being. I told him that I will always be here for him, and that I will help his mom if it ever comes down to a true emergency.

He really needed the reassurances. His world has fallen apart. Poor guy is in bad shape. I don't know what else I can do for him at this point.

So sad.