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Where can I get more info on the Last Resort Technique? I searched the site, but all I can find are some threads that don't explain it in detail.


M: 25 T:33
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S24, D21, D18, D15, S8 All living at home while going to school
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What do I need to say/do/act? I need to get a game plan together for this ASAP, as I feel like the talk will be coming sooner rather than later.


Why do you think it is coming soon? Are you sure it's not more you wanting to "do something"?

You referred to it as the R/A/D talk. Are you planning to talk about all three at one time?

When I mentioned a plan of action, I did not mean that having a talk was the plan of action. I will be glad to help you with a plan of action........but I can't tell you word for word to say. I can try to direct you.

You are only on day three of following the rules.

I would say to begin mentally preparing by seriously thinking about your core values, standards and principles. Then list the things in life you will not live without. (I am not referring to objects). Then, list the things you will not tolerate in your relationships.

I think you need to study boundaries, before opening your mouth too big and undertaking a serious talk with her. As I've previously said, she will more than likely deny and lie about an A. If so, then what will you do? Are you going to demand she quits her place of employment? Do you know how a transparency plan works?

Didn't you say you really had no evidence she's in an A? If not, she'll easily make you feel like you are imagining everything.

I can tell you what she'll probably do......after she denies and lies. She'll probably start griping about how you are to blame for everything wrong in her life. If she does, then what will you do? Have a long drawn out R talk? Nothing will be resolved. You are not ready. You prepare by learning more DB and applying the techniques. This can't be fixed by talks.

If she comes to you and says she wants a D, you can tell her that that is not what you want....but you will not stand in her way. Do not agree to do the filing.

It's late for me, so I will try to get back to you tomorrow. In the meantime, please cool it and don't get into a R talk.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
Why do you think it is coming soon? Are you sure it's not more you wanting to "do something"?


If course I want to do something. I say this because of a few things she has said.

Before I came to this site and was trying to get her to talk, she said it was "too sad to do before Christmas." She also said on another day that "She didn't want to give me false hope." At one point I told her I wasn't giving up on "us." Her reply was simply "we'll see."

The way she was raging yesterday may be all part of the process, but it sure felt as though there was another message behind it.

And as I mentioned, today I see that she has a "friend" on Facebook who is a divorce lawyer. I never noticed that "friend" before.

I want to make sure I'm not caught off guard if the conversation comes and make it go as well as possible.



Originally Posted By: sandi2
You referred to it as the R/A/D talk. Are you planning to talk about all three at one time?


NO! I am avoiding it at this point.

Originally Posted By: sandi2
When I mentioned a plan of action, I did not mean that having a talk was the plan of action. I will be glad to help you with a plan of action........but I can't tell you word for word to say. I can try to direct you.


The plan is not the conversation, but eventually it will come. I can't be unprepared. Your guidance will be appreciated.



Originally Posted By: sandi2
I would say to begin mentally preparing by seriously thinking about your core values, standards and principles. Then list the things in life you will not live without. (I am not referring to objects). Then, list the things you will not tolerate in your relationships.


Understood. I have been thinking about it. The only things on it so far are not living without my kids and marriage. I won't tolerate the A.

I am still working on it, but I am coming to realize that I may have to be a bit more flexible on the marriage part as much as I don't want to.


Originally Posted By: sandi2
I think you need to study boundaries, before opening your mouth too big and undertaking a serious talk with her.


I will go back and study more. I really don't want the,talk yet.

Originally Posted By: sandi2
Do you know how a transparency plan works?


I do not. That will be tonight's homework.

Originally Posted By: sandi2
She'll probably start griping about how you are to blame for everything wrong in her life.


In one of our text conversations and in the texts to the OM, she said that she is to blame because she had been lying to herself about being happy. This threw me off a bit because she did blame me too. Was this to gain sympathy, or do you think she may have meant It?

Originally Posted By: sandi2
If she does, then what will you do?


At this point, probably panic and screw it up.

Originally Posted By: sandi2
You are not ready.


I know. That is why I am here.

Originally Posted By: sandi2
You prepare by learning more DB and You the techniques. This can't be fixed by talks.


I picked up a copy of the DR book yesterday. Started on it today.



Originally Posted By: sandi2
It's late for me, so I will try to get back to you tomorrow. In the meantime, please cool it and don't get into a R talk.


Not planning on it and thank you.

I know it may seem like I am rushing things. I don't mean it to. I am listening to you and trying to apply what I am learning. I don't like to be unprepared for anything in my life and I know I am. Just trying to cover every base so I can do this as well as possible.

I also see what it is doing to our kids in just this short time and it is breaking my heart. I think they want this to be resolved more than anyone.


M: 25 T:33
Me: 48 W: 49
S24, D21, D18, D15, S8 All living at home while going to school
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Originally Posted By: rminer
Where can I get more info on the Last Resort Technique? I searched the site, but all I can find are some threads that don't explain it in detail.



Originally Posted By: Natural
My first exposure to DB was the Last Resort Technique (LRT).
https://divorcebustingtraining.mykajabi.com/store/Q5UUUmn4


Before you go there, watch this. Look for the coupon code below the video.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2RujdMzAjbk

The other thing I would say, is give up fixing things. Women hate that. It makes them feel like you're not listening.
Instead, read the link that Cadet posted on Validation. Then read it again. Then memorize a couple short phrases,and use them, things like "I can see how you would think that." or I can see how you would feel that way." or "That must be really hard for you." Then say them when your W says something that might ordinarily annoy you, make you defensive, or make you want to fix something for her.

I will give you an example. Last week I was washing dishes, specifically, I was washing a tupperware container. W comes up and says "You and [stepson] are always doing that kind of stuff - using my good tupperware for the wrong stuff. Those are for vegetables, you can tell because there's vegetables printed on the side of them." I looked at her and said "I can see how you would think that." She gave me slight grin and walked away. Small words. No apology. Big victory. If I knew that years ago, I would not be here.


Married 15, Together 17
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Quote:
Understood. I have been thinking about it. The only things on it so far are not living without my kids and marriage. I won't tolerate the A


The harsh truth is that you can live without your M. If your W divorces you, you may live 50% without your kids. Some things in life we have no control over. Some men say another guy won't raise their kids.......only to eat their own words.

You won't tolerate an A. That's a good place to explain how boundaries work. You cannot control your W and force her to do things your way. When enforcing boundaries, you control one person's actions........and that person is you. Boundaries are not an ultimatum. A personal boundary is about you. It's as if you have an invisible line drawn around you. It is up to you in deciding what doesn't cross that line to hurt you.

When we purchase a home and a piece of land, we have it surveyed and our neighbor should know where our property lines runs. But how many neighbors have gone to court b/c one neighbor crossed the line to do as he pleased? We have boundaries around our house, and do not allow just anything to come through the doors. The same is true about your person. I bet you don't allow someone to physically punch you in the nose, or insult you, etc. There are just some things we aren't going to take. Our natural defense kicks in when we are being attacked. Our self respect, values, etc.... won't accept cr@p treatment from others.

One thing I can't live without is peace. I've had my share of drama, and don't want to stay in it. One thing I won't tolerate is someone disrespecting me to my face. In both of these examples, it is up to me to take the appropriate action. Are others going to give me peace, or is it up to me to find a way to have peace in my life? If a man makes a crude remark toward me, I can't force him to apologize. But I can remove myself from his presence. It is up to me to find a way to protect my feelings.

So, back to you not tolerating an affair. You know that you cannot live in a M that has a three people. It is up to you to take appropriate action to protect yourself. An example of stating your boundary to your W, would be, "I cannot stay in a MR that has three people, if your A doesn't end immediately, then I will prepare to take the next step". (The next step would be getting your finances protected, and preparing to separate). Now understand, when stating a boundary, she is always free to choose. You are simply telling her that you can't stay in a MR of three people. You are also telling her what you will do, if it continues. This is you protecting yourself. Does it make sense?

I want to caution you about saying something you'll regret. A while back, there were newcomer H's in your shoes. They read the link on boundaries, where it gives the example of not living in an open M. Sounded good to them, so they announced to their WW they would not live in an open M. Guess what? The WW's did nothing. Then the ball was in the H's court........and they (the H's) were backtracking, b/c they didn't want to leave the M. They foolishly thought just stating their boundary was an automatic fix. It's not. In fact, most WW's are going to test it. Therefore, don't say something that backs you into a corner, b/c if you don't stick to your word.......she'll never believe what you say again. Choose your words carefully.

You do not have to make the same boundary. And, you can set boundaries about other things, too. You don't have to take her yelling at you, or treating you disrespectfully. Boundaries are for protecting yourself.

I'll continue with another post.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Continued from previous post.............

Quote:
I am still working on it, but I am coming to realize that I may have to be a bit more flexible on the marriage part as much as I don't want to.


What do you mean by "flexible"?

Quote:
In one of our text conversations and in the texts to the OM, she said that she is to blame because she had been lying to herself about being happy. This threw me off a bit because she did blame me too. Was this to gain sympathy, or do you think she may have meant It?


She really means it.

One thing in your preparation is bracing yourself to hear the very worst, and see her worst. H's are always saying how the W threw him off guard. That's b/c he's not staying on his toes. You have to be prepared at all times, b/c she has a bag of tricks that she hasn't even used yet.

Prepare yourself by talking to your lawyer and seeing where you stand legally, and your rights as a father.

Get prepared by protecting your finances. Take her name off your credit cards, and take your name off hers. You may need to set up a private bank account that she won't have access. You could keep enough in the remaining account for household expenses. Many WW's have cleaned their H's out, right before leaving him. Anything else you can do to protect yourself financially, do it now. Your lawyer can advise you about it.

Implement the 37 rules. Btw, I thought you made too much of a big deal of helping her look for her phone charger. That was her job, not yours. It sounded as if you were bending over backwards to recuse it for her. Old habit?

Finish reading DR, and any unread links on Cadet's homework page.

GAL, GAL, & GAL.

Take time to really think about what you will do if your W refuses to cooperate. Do you have the courage to physically separate? If not, then I suggest you not approach her about an A.

In the meantime, if she comes to you about wanting a D and you begin to panic........say nothing. But if she wants in-house separation, tell her she can move out, but you won't stay under the same roof if she can't be your W. ( I've never seen a successful in-house S). Do not agree to pay support her financially.

How are you doing with detaching?

I'm going to copy & paste a shorter version of DB detaching.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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I hope you'll read the following carefully. It is a shorter version of DB detaching.

Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)

I. Detachment

Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.

When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.

When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’

It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.

We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).

We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)


PART II Detachment (found around here)

Detachment is the:

* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.

* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.

* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.

* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.

* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.

* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.

* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.

* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.

* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).

* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.

* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to not bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.

* Ability to allow S to be who he/she "really is" rather than who I "want him/her to be."

IF & WHEN THESE ^^^ FACTORS ARE ADDRESSED, -

We could have a great friendship, or a great marriage. And those are treasures.
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I had a similar one about a week ago. W complained that I would always leave coffee puddled on the edge of the sink when I emptied the pot. I said "Yeah, that is a pain I didn't realize I was doing that. I will be more careful from now on." I got a playful "Surrre you will" answer and a smile. I didn't realize until you said that what had actually occurred in that interaction, but it did work.


Thanks!


M: 25 T:33
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S24, D21, D18, D15, S8 All living at home while going to school
A confirmed: 12-25-17
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
So, back to you not tolerating an affair. You know that you cannot live in a M that has a three people. It is up to you to take appropriate action to protect yourself. An example of stating your boundary to your W, would be, "I cannot stay in a MR that has three people, if your A doesn't end immediately, then I will prepare to take the next step". (The next step would be getting your finances protected, and preparing to separate). Now understand, when stating a boundary, she is always free to choose. You are simply telling her that you can't stay in a MR of three people. You are also telling her what you will do, if it continues. This is you protecting yourself. Does it make sense?


Yes. Perfect sense.







[/quote]


M: 25 T:33
Me: 48 W: 49
S24, D21, D18, D15, S8 All living at home while going to school
A confirmed: 12-25-17
EA Definite PA Probable
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
What do you mean by "flexible"?


Just my way of saying I will have to accept the possibility of D.


Originally Posted By: sandi2
She really means it.


I was afraid you would say that. In your opinion, does that make this process harder or easier?

Originally Posted By: sandi2
Btw, I thought you made too much of a big deal of helping her look for her phone charger. That was her job, not yours. It sounded as if you were bending over backwards to recuse it for her. Old habit?


More to show sympathy, really. I know how aggravating it is to have chargers disappear because mine have gone missing quite a few times. I was trying to convey that I understood her frustration. I should have just said it instead of acting on it too?


Originally Posted By: sandi2
How are you doing with detaching?


Good and bad. I have been so attached for so long, I have caught myself doing some things out of habit, realize the mistake and stop. Right now, I think the detachment part is the part giving me the most trouble.

A few times I have felt anger and resentment building up and wanted to lash out, but I didn't. I just walked away. Letting her live her own life without questions is difficult for me. I have always tried to take an interest in what she does. Not being a part of it in any capacity is new to me.

Originally Posted By: sandi2
I'm going to copy & paste a shorter version of DB detaching.


Thank you. That is very clear and helps a lot.



You mentioned earlier a Transparency Plan. I am not seeing anything on this here. I see "transparency" but no referrals to "plan."

Will I get to it in the DR book?


M: 25 T:33
Me: 48 W: 49
S24, D21, D18, D15, S8 All living at home while going to school
A confirmed: 12-25-17
EA Definite PA Probable
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