Newbie In Need Of Guidance

[sandi2]

Sounds as if you did pretty well, considering you've just started on the 37 rules.

W texts me at work about something at home, so I respond within a few minutes. I know, mistake #1.

The rule says no frequent phone calls. Let her be the one to contact you. Sometimes we suggest no contact at all. But for right now, just try not to initiate calls/texts. If your W is one who interrupts your working hours just for idle chat, I would say to respond if or when you have time. If it is a text, check to see if it really requires a response. If she doesn't ask questions, it needs no response.....other than maybe "OK". Use as few words as possible. The point is not to appear as if you are pursuing her, and that you are not available at the drop of a hat. This helps with some of the detaching.

During the conversation, I tell her to be careful when she goes out because the roads were terrible and that it took me an extra 45 minutes to get to work. Mistake #2.

Was it a mistake b/c you were trying to keep her on the phone longer?

I compliment her, saying it was a good thing she did because a lot of people don’t bother to go see family in the hospital. Mistake #3.

Why do you feel this was a mistake? What was your motive behind the compliment? Were you trying to score some brownie points? IDK, you tell me.

She said “that’s because people suck.” She opened the door wide open on this, so I couldn’t resist. I replied “I don’t know how people can do things to hurt the ones they are supposed to love.” I got no response from that one. Mistake #4, but I couldn’t resist the chance to add to her guilty conscious.

You go from complimenting her to throwing a truth dart. Trust me, she didn't miss it. However, let me say this about it. It is not your job to give her a guilty conscious....or add to it. Tempting, but it doesn't help your cause. Remember to let your actions do the talking.

Later in the day she text to ask if I could pick up one of our daughters on the way home. Since I drive right by, I said I could. Once I got home, she was not there and I was told that she was out with one of her friends all day. I do a few things I needed to do around the house then got in to the shower. In the meantime, W comes home.

If it doesn't require you having to leave work early, and you go right past the school, then I see nothing wrong with it. You may not want to do it every day, b/c you may have plans to GAL after working hours. My suggestion is to have a time each day (if necessary) to check about the next day's activities/needs for the kids. See if it helps cut out some of her texting through the day, or her making last minute changes and wanting you to go to the rescue. Also, you need to be prepared to tell your W you will be going out. You won't go every day, of course, but often. You'll have to beat her to it, or she will be leaving you stuck at home with the kids. BTW, you don't have to have a legit reason to go out. Just get out of the house. If she does go out, don't let her leave seeing you looking gloomy/sad/mad. Act as if you hardly notice she's leaving. Make sure you are doing something you enjoy....having fun time with the kids, etc. This action is not to cause her guilt, but for her to see you being an attractive man who is not upset, co-dependent and needy on her staying home with you. Don't be doing housework she hasn't touched. Don't play the victim.

When I get out, I put on some nice clothes and start getting ready to go out for the evening. I was going to my company Christmas party, but she didn’t need to know that. W announced to me that she is going out, so I needed to make sure the kids were fed. I was almost ready to leave at this point. I simply said “You have been out enough lately and have been gone all day. It’s my turn.” I put on my coat and left. I rolled in about 3am with W “sleeping” on the couch.

I love it!

The next morning, she was in the kitchen doing something and I went to get another cup of coffee. I greeted her with a simple “good morning.” All she could manage was giving me the Death Glare. I think I may have hit a nerve.

Whenever she doesn't get to do what she wants....when she wants, it will hit a nerve. So what! Life's not fair.

The rest of the day was a bit of nice/not nice by her. I was working outside and at one point opened the door and called to one of my kids to get a glass of water for me so I didn’t have to take my work clothes off. W said “I’ll get it” in a very cheerful manner and brought it to me. Later I needed a small tin, which she has many of. I asked if she had a spare, and she said “sure.” Got up found one for me and seemed happy to do it. Later, she made enough dinner for everyone – except me. I knew it was too good to last.
The rest of the day was only necessary communication. No hugs, kisses or “I love you.” First time I have not done those things since before we were married.

Good job! Never knowing what to expect is the theme song. She may be nice for no apparent reason, and just as quickly turn ugly. So, your job is to never let down your guard. Don't let her niceness throw you, and don't let her ugly ways upset you. Don't let your NGS play with your head.

[rminer]

Was it a mistake b/c you were trying to keep her on the phone longer?

Maybe a little, but it was more to show concern.

Why do you feel this was a mistake? What was your motive behind the compliment? Were you trying to score some brownie points? IDK, you tell me.

Brownie points, no, but I was trying to let her know she did the right thing and I was acknowledging it.

Ok. So maybe a few brownie points.

If it doesn't require you having to leave work early, and you go right past the school, then I see nothing wrong with it.

It was from a friend's house, but the reason was SHE wanted to be gone and didn't want to break her plans. I should have asked Moe questions.

BTW, you don't have to have a legit reason to go out. Just get out of the house.

Looks like I'll be spending some time at the local pub! Maybe I'll get my dart game back in form!

If she does go out, don't let her leave seeing you looking gloomy/sad/mad. Act as if you hardly notice she's leaving. Make sure you are doing something you enjoy....having fun time with the kids, etc. This action is not to cause her guilt, but for her to see you being an attractive man who is not upset, co-dependent and needy on her staying home with you. Don't be doing housework she hasn't touched. Don't play the victim.

I've never told her she couldn't go out. Ever. She's home with the kids all day and I know she needs time away. The hard part is knowing she is not always going where she says she is going now. I'll keep the happy face though.

[Joe2017]

Pub, ok. Drunk not ok. You come home drunk and you automatically lose.

[rminer]

I know. That was more of a joke. Not much to do around here other than bars, movies or stores. The library doesn't stay open late enough!!

[rminer]

Should I tell her I'm going out, or just go and play her game? She rarely actually tells me she's leaving, let alone where she is going.

[Joe2017]

Dude, just do your own thing. This isn't for her, it's for you.

[rminer]

Dude, just do your own thing. This isn't for her, it's for you.

You sound like you think I should give up.

[Joe2017]

No, you shouldn't give up. You should be going out with friends because you want to do it for your own mental and emotional health. Not to impress W.

[marina7]

rminer,
Sorry you are going through this we all LBS know the pain your going through, is like gasping for air and your trying to catch your breath trust me I wouldn't wish this pain on amyone.
What joe trying to say, let's say you do get divorce what do we do after a separation we GAL we go out meet new people make new friends ect, in my case I have 3 small kids under 10, they keep me busy and I stay busy with school activity. But on my free time without kids I go to movie's, or drinks with bf. Before things got worse with W, on W weekends I would be dress up when W came by she notice everything I got the temper check couple times, I finally started to see W true colors towards me and our kids.

If your religious go to church, with me church has been my peace my safe place where I could cry my eyes out. And take care of yourself always get plenty of rest by some tea to take if you can't sleep. Always you first. Your kids need you now more than ever.

Take it a day at a time.

[MoveFrwd]

I know. That was more of a joke. Not much to do around here other than bars, movies or stores. The library doesn't stay open late enough!!

That sounds like you arent looking hard enough. Take on a new hobby, join a new club, etc. For me, the point is to prove to myself that I could be OK and even thrive without my ex. The key to doing that is in trying new things and meeting new people.