Newbie In Need Of Guidance

[rminer]

Do you recommend the DB or DR book to start with? Which do you think would apply more at this point?

Or are they one and the same?

[rminer]

My thoughts have been that she thinks that she will be walking away with the house, so she will be "stocking up" before she completely ends it.

I never considered that she is as confused as I am. Thanks for that insight.

[rminer]

Predator! I like that!

When you say "out" the A, do you mean tell her I know or tell other people about it. I'm not ready for the embarrassment of other people knowing, so I'm not going to be mentioning it to anyone.

No, an open marriage is NOT an option. It has to be me or him. I just have to figure out how to make sure she decides it will be me.

[rminer]

Ok. This all has to stop immediately. Especially if she knows you know she is having an A this will make you look pathetic in her eyes. I know that is harsh but at this point and time you can not nice her back. I know it seems like the logical thing to do but it will actually make things worse right now.

What can you do? The opposite of what you think you should do. Give her space giver her all the space in the world. Stop pursuit immediately. Start to make a great life for you and your kids. Exercise, connect with old friends, spend time with family, read self help books, finish the house your building and definitely consider individual counseling.

You will most likely get a chance at recon but that is going to be along way down the road. You most likely can't make things better right now but you can certainly make them worse. This is probably going to be the hardest thing you will ever go through but if you do the hard work you will get through and be happy again with or w/o your W.

Print out Sandi's rules from the home work page and start implementing them immediately. We are here to help!

My problem with this is that she already says I don't love/want/need her. Wouldn't that just be confirming it to her?

I've read the rules. Most of them are going to kill me!

[rminer]

Also, what are you doing for GAL??

Haven't even thought about GAL yet. I haven't had one of my own in so long I'm not even sure where to start with that. I'm so consumed with figuring out a game plan for getting my W back, I don't know that I could GAL until if figure it out.

[rminer]

I dare say that this is the foundation of a lot more issues in your relationship, than you may realize. A W who has a dominating personality who is M to an easy going H, can began to challenge him more & more. She wants to see him stand up to her, so she pushes and tests him. Women want a man who is stronger than she is, and your easy going manner can be mistaken for weakness.

sandi2,

So you are saying I have no gonads? You sure know how to give a guy confidence!

I do stand up to her, but most of my work day is spent standing up to people. I do tend to pick and choose my battles at home. Maybe a little too much? I do get what you are saying though.

How would you reccommend I stand up to her at this point without making the situation worse?

I hope you will read my threads on the wayward W's mindset.

I will look for them tonight.

You assume she is mad, and instead of trying to talk to her about her feelings....you leave her alone until she gets over it. Do you also assume she is mad at you, although you don't have a clue as to why?

It is pretty easy to tell when she is mad at me - I will be the only one she is not talking to. It doesn't happen very often, but it does happen. We rarely argue. When she upset, I don't usually ask "what's wrong?" I will ask if something is bothering her or did I do something to upset her. You are right though, I don't really ask about her feelings. I try to get her to tell me what is wrong so I can fix it.

It's her way of emotionally divorcing you. She's going out with others, she's given you notice, stopped talking with you, and now she has stopped doing her usual wifely duties.

Her justification ^^^^^^. She is cheating on you, so in her mindset, she has to find a reason that justifies her getting another man, instead of staying loyal to the one she M.

How do I get her emotionally engaged again and change her mindset? Do I just wait it out?

To a M man, this is the logical action to take to win back the love of his W. Unfortunately, after a woman has closed her heart for her H and opened it for another man......this above actions only push her farther away from her H. You see, you have been trying to prove how much you love her, thinking it would fix the problem. At the moment, she really doesn't care how you love her. She has emotionally divorced you. Her head is filled with OM, and he is the one who makes her feel alive.

By not telling her and showing her that I love her, wouldn't that just be confirming what she is saying? She already has said I don't want/love/care. After I have been telling her and trying to show her I love her at least twice a day every day for all of these years (I have NEVER missed a day), it would seem that she would just use that action to say "See? I told you so!"

If you are recommending "going dark," which is what it appears she has done to me, it seems that it would just feed in to her notions that I have stopped caring.

I hope you will read my thread on Help for the Newcomer H with a WW

I've read it, and I'm trying to wrap my head around it. It is completely foreign and makes very little sense to me, but I will trust you on that and try to understand it as hard as it is.



I do have a question for you, since you seem to know this topic well and were once a WW.

Should I try to get my W to sit down and talk about why she got mad at me and our R since she said we would after Christmas, or would I do more damage? I was pushing for it before Christmas, so I don't want her to think I don't care about having the discussion.

If I do, should I bring up the affair without any concrete proof, or should I let her spill the beans/coax her in to it?

Should I get proof and risk losing any trust she has left in me?

If you don't recommend I do, should I at least tell her I want to talk about "us" when she is ready and let her know I will be there?

I very confused at the moment and am starting to go in to panic mode. Any advice is welcome.

Sorry, I know those words must hurt, but I want to talk straight to you.

Yes, they do hurt very much, but hey, it is the reality of the situation.

Don't be afraid to be direct with me. As I said, I tend to over analyze things, so the less ambiguity the better. Tell me if I'm doing wrong, being an idiot or complete jerk. I need honest answers right now and I have very thick skin.


Thanks for the help!

[rminer]

Thanks, Joe

I have read it at least five times. Still don't understand how she could be thinking that way. Just doesn't make sense doing the opposite of what my gut is telling me.

Trust is not my strong suit, but I have a feeling I will have to take a leap of faith this time.

[LH19]

Ok. This all has to stop immediately. Especially if she knows you know she is having an A this will make you look pathetic in her eyes. I know that is harsh but at this point and time you can not nice her back. I know it seems like the logical thing to do but it will actually make things worse right now.

What can you do? The opposite of what you think you should do. Give her space giver her all the space in the world. Stop pursuit immediately. Start to make a great life for you and your kids. Exercise, connect with old friends, spend time with family, read self help books, finish the house your building and definitely consider individual counseling.

You will most likely get a chance at recon but that is going to be along way down the road. You most likely can't make things better right now but you can certainly make them worse. This is probably going to be the hardest thing you will ever go through but if you do the hard work you will get through and be happy again with or w/o your W.

Print out Sandi's rules from the home work page and start implementing them immediately. We are here to help!

My problem with this is that she already says I don't love/want/need her. Wouldn't that just be confirming it to her?

That’s all BS she is telling you as an excuse to why she is having an affair.

No I mean out the affair to just her and let her no what your boundaries are. I Ihighly recommend you read up on boundaries and discuss it here first. If you are going to set them you have to be prepared to enforce them if broken.

I have to say you are handling this well most guys are a complete mess when they get here!

[Cadet]

Do you recommend the DB or DR book to start with? Which do you think would apply more at this point?

Or are they one and the same?

DR is an updated version of DB, reading both is a great idea but I would as a minimum read DR.

[Cadet]

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