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#2774980 01/11/18 11:22 AM
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Hello All,
I have been lurking here for a few weeks reading and trying to learn what I can do to save my marriage. Every situation is different, so I decided to jump in, tell my story and see if I can get some guidance, so here it goes…
I find myself in a situation that I never thought I would be in (something I’m sure everyone else here has said) and I need advice on how to proceed. That situation, of course, is that my wife is cheating on me.
I will keep this as short as possible, but I do want to get all the facts out there.

First, a little background:
My wife and I have been married for 25 years, together 33 – we were high school sweethearts. We have always had a very loving, affectionate relationship. Not to say that everything has been perfectly smooth, but we have always worked out our problems and moved on.
I earn the paycheck, she is a stay-at-home mom (what she always wanted to do) who homeschools our children. She has a dominating personality and is not afraid of confrontation, but is very outgoing and people immediately like her. I am a more laid back, go with the flow type of person, but can be very assertive when necessary.
As I said, I work a lot. I’m either working at my job or on the house we are building on my days off. At my job I am busy from the time I get there to the time I leave, often eating lunch on the run because of time. At home I am either catching up on chores or working on the house, both of which I get no help on. No one’s fault there, I just have no one who can help with the type of work that needs to be done. Because of this, I get almost no down time and am exhausted a lot.
My wife volunteers at a youth organization which my son belongs to, which can take a lot of time and effort. The man she is cheating with is the leader of this organization and they often work closely together. He is divorced with kids. He is a likeable fellow and good with kids.
We are in the process of finishing building a house, which I have done 99% of the work on. It was started many years ago and we were caught in the housing market crash. Because of this, we do not have a “real” mortgage on the house so the house payments are almost double what they should be. Needless to say, money is tight. I have been very focused on finishing it to relieve the financial pressure, but maintaining the house as well as finishing it alone has proven to be a huge challenge. I mention this because I believe it is playing in to what is going on.
We are both Christian, but her ties to Faith run much deeper than mine, so something like this is completely out of character for her and goes against what she believes in. She told me before we ever got married that it is “death before divorce.” She has maintained that motto since.

The story:
As I said, we have always had a very loving, affectionate relationship. So much so, other people would comment on how we were together and they envied us.
At the beginning of November is when things went south. On Thursday, my wife told me she was going to the movies with my daughters. No problem, have fun. Friday she text me reminding me that she was going out with her friends (one of which is having very serious marital issues and the other couldn’t find a decent guy to save her life). I responded “Ok. Will I see you tomorrow?” She said “Don’t we have a date? Just you and me, Babe.” I thought we were on for the next night.
When I got home from work on Saturday, she was in the kitchen working on some things she likes to do. I greet her and got a very cold response. I ask what’s wrong, she says “nothing.” From that point she stops talking to me.
The next day, still not talking to me, I again ask what’s wrong. “Nothing” again. This continues for a few days, so I stop asking her what is wrong. One thing I have learned about her is that if she is mad and you keep asking why, she will get even angrier and withdraw.
Ten days after this started, she sends me a text out of the blue that says that she “doesn’t want to be hurt or mad any more. I’m just tired,” then follows it up with a few texts about one of our daughters. I reply that I don’t know what she means by that. She stopped talking to me and I don’t know what I did. She replies “Yeah, I know you don’t.” She then questions whether I mean it when I tell her I love her in the morning and at night, or if it is just part of my routine (I tell her a minimum twice a day that I love her and there is a reason for that). I assure her that I love her and that I mean it. That’s where the conversation stops. When I get home, I could not get any follow up from her.
It was at this point she stopped doing anything for me. She would always make a lunch for me to take to work, make dinner and at least leave a plate in the microwave for me, and wash my clothes with everyone else’s. She does none of those things now. I’m lucky if she even makes enough dinner for me to have some. Lately she makes just enough for her and the kids. None of these things are her responsibility, I know. She’s not my Mom. I just shows that she is detaching from me.
Over the next couple of weeks, I ask occasionaly what is wrong, and always get some variation of “Nothing,” “I don’t want to talk about it,” or no response at all. After a while I feel like I am wasting my time, so I stop asking. This drags out in to December. I keep going about my normal business, trying to engage her in conversation, but she is having none of it. At this point she has “gone dark,” as I believe people here put it, and will only speak to me when necessary.
I was noticing changes in her behavior and started to get suspicious. Other than “going dark,” she was hiding her phone screen from me, texting at all hours of the day and night, and taking her phone with her from room to room. She had started sleeping on the couch, would leave the house without telling me and certainly would not tell me where she was going – even if she was going with the kids, which was most of the time. She has never been a big drinker, but she has been drinking more.
Three days before Christmas she sends a text to me about something going on at home. During this text I say “You really need to tell me what is going on.” She replies “Not much to tell.” and tells me not to get her anything for Christmas. We talk back and forth a little bit, and in a nutshell, she says that she “can’t do this anymore,” she has been lying to herself, she doesn’t feel loved or wanted, I don’t compliment her, it has been going on for years and years, we’ve talked about it but it never changes, she keeps it inside because she knows it will never change, we were just kids when we met and we grew apart, the house is killing her but I would never give it up and that she knew it was over when I stopped caring why she was mad.
I reply to most of her comments, explaining and telling her I love her, I hug, kiss and tell her I love her so much because I want to make sure she knows because it was completely absent from my family growing up, reminding her how much I told her how great and young she looked when she lost weight, I call her “Beautiful” constantly, she had been telling me for years how wonderful I was and how well I treated her, so how was I supposed to know I wasn’t being the husband she wanted? I basically tell her that I think we can make it and that we need to start communicating more.
When I get home that night I try to talk to her, but she won’t, saying that she does not want to talk before Christmas because it would be “too sad.” I ask if she is going to ask for a divorce, she replies “I don’t know. Can we afford it?” I had my suspicions before, but at this point I knew something was up.
Over the next few days I tried to talk to her, but she refused until after Christmas. At no point were we fighting. She allowed me to give her hugs and a kiss on the cheek, but would not kiss me or hug me back, responding to my “I Love You’s” with “Ok” or something similar (she had been doing this for weeks).
Christmas day went smoothly. I received nothing from her and I gave her five or six gifts, which she thanked me for. Later in the day I noticed she had made a special trip to buy coffee for me, which I asked her to do, but only if she was going to be at that store and not to go out of her way. I thanked her and gave her a hug. When I tried to kiss her, she turned away, so I put my hands on her head and started kissing her whole face, working my way down to her neck. She giggled and laughed like she always does, so she seemed to enjoy it. This confused the heck out of me, but maybe I was crazy and was making progress.
The week leading up to New Year’s things seemed to be getting better. We were talking and laughing more, but it was still mostly “just business.” We never had that talk we were going to have, and still haven’t, because of my work schedule and her being out every night with either our kids or her friends (clearly trying to avoid me). I tried to schedule a dinner “date” with her for New Year’s Eve and then we could come back and spend the evening with our youngest kids. She said she had plans to go out, but maybe we could go for dinner. On New Year’s Eve I asked if we were still on, but she said her plans changed and that she wouldn’t have time.
She went out about 8pm and came home shortly after 2am a wee bit tipsy. I greeted her, asked if she had fun and continued to play “Happy Husband.” When she went in the bedroom to change, I followed her and gave her a hug. She hugged me back! Another sign I was getting through! We watched some TV for a while and she told my daughter and myself about her night and the friends from High School she had seen (Did I mention that she discovered Facebook in September and has been digging up old friends?) Before I went to bed, I knelt down, like I do every night, and gave her a hug, kiss and an “I love you.” This time I would only accept a kiss on the lips. She laughed and jokingly called me an “ass.” More progress! At least I think.
Since then, things have been somewhat better. We are joking more, I have made her smile some and she has even let me give her a back rub, although last night when I offered she said she didn’t know who I was and that I didn’t give back rubs. She shut me down. But mostly she has been emotionally detached, especially in text messages.
Last night, before I went to bed, I gave her a hug and kiss while she was lying on the couch. I told her I love her and that I was not giving up on her. Her reply? “We’ll see.”

She is sending out a lot of mixed signals:
We purchased a side of beef which we picked up the same day she told me she knew it was over. She got a text from the lady selling it saying that there was more available because someone did not pick theirs up, but by the time we got back to the lady it was gone. My wife said she was sad because we could have used it. Why would we need it if she is leaving me?
On Christmas day she said that we needed new water filters in a five gallon unit we have in the kitchen. These things are expensive, but last a long time. She said it as if WE were going to need them in the future.
She said we need to clean and seal the counters so they don’t get ruined. If we are splitting we would lose the house, which she knows. Why waste the time and energy?
She allows me to put my hands under her shirt when I hug her to touch bare skin and to nibble/kiss her neck. I’ve pinched her rear end as well a few times without complaint. If she was truly as gone as she says, wouldn’t that be off limits?
She cooked bacon last Sunday morning for some soup she was making. She then made some eggs just for me. Not for anyone else. Huh?
The other day she said I was trying to kill her. I replied “No. I don’t have any life insurance on you.” She then said that we really need to look in to getting some. If we are not married, you are not going to be the beneficiary, so why?
All of this plus more has occurred since the “it’s over” statement. It is almost like she still sees “us” in the future at times. Needless to say I’m confused.

The evidence I have that she is cheating:
I don’t have any “smoking gun” evidence, but I do have quite a bit of circumstantial.
She has had a major change in behavior and emotional detachment. She is texting and using Facebook at all hours of the day and night. Literally. I have often gotten up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom or get a drink and she is texting. I have even seen her texting when I get up in the morning to go to work. I have seen the name on the screen several times, and it is always the OM. During these texts she will sometimes get one of those “flattered” smiles on her face like someone said something to make her happy.
I have seen some texts between her and the OM. There is a lot of suggestion and innuendo, but nothing that directly says “we are having sex.” Putting it all together indicates that they are though. A lot the texts are about personal things in their life and she mentions “their beer.” The OM at one point says he feels like he is responsible for this. There is also a text between her and her friend that is having marital issues that refers to the OM by his initial and tells my wife to “be careful.”
In my mind this is at least an emotional affair, but I am 99% sure it is sexual too.

What I have done to combat this:
Since I started getting suspicious shortly before Christmas, I have been playing “Happy Husband.” I have been maintaining a positive attitude (at least around her), smiling and joking. I say nothing negative at all. I have been going out of my way to make her feel appreciated and loved. Hugs, kisses, nibbles on the neck (which is still making her giggle), and a lot of “I love yous.”
I have been offering to do things for her, like go to the store when I am out, do some of her “chores” around the house, get her food or drink from the kitchen and make myself generally more available to her.
I contact her once or twice a day just to let her know I am thinking of her. I bought her flowers “just because.”

This is so out of character for my wife. Her beliefs and hatred for adulterers and adultery runs deep, so she is the last person I would ever expect to do this. We have an OW in the family – my father’s girlfriend. He was with her when my parents were separated, but never divorced. My mother has been gone seven years now and my wife still will not talk to or even acknowledge this OW. That’s how much she despises this behavior. Yet here we are…
So there it is. That is what is going on. I’ve tried to keep emotions out of it and give you just the facts as I see them. I know both of us had a hand in creating this mess and it is going to take both of us to clean it up.
I want to save this marriage, so I need to talk to her soon. I still see something in her eyes and smile, so I think there is still time to save it, but I am running out of time. This is where I need your help.
How should I approach it? Should I take her to dinner and talk in a neutral site, or lock us in the bedroom at home? Since I have only circumstantial evidence and nothing physical to present her, should I mention the affair, or wait for her to say something? What if she won’t?
I am completely clueless on this, so I am asking for your guidance. I don’t want to lose her or my family. They are the only things that keep me going.
Please ask for any clarification you need. Saturday is my target date for the conversation, so any help you could give would be greatly appreciated.


Sorry about the length of this post. I tend to over analyze things and give too much explanation. As I have very little time to keep or maintain friendships I have no one to talk to, so getting this off my chest has been a little therapeutic for me.


M: 25 T:33
Me: 48 W: 49
S24, D21, D18, D15, S8 All living at home while going to school
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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Rminer,

I feel for you man. Sorry you are in this mess, but glad you are here. I think it wold be best to not confront your W right now. I think that advice comes from the videos I've watched by MWD. It would probably only make things worse.

My first exposure to DB was the Last Resort Technique (LRT). https://divorcebustingtraining.mykajabi.com/store/Q5UUUmn4

If you look around on Youtube and the Internet, you can find discount codes that save some money on LRT. At one point in that program, MWD says "you don't have the leverage." That's the reason not to confront your W. It will make the OM look better. Your W is already confused and feeling guilty. So if you push her, those feelings get worse, and then she's likely to get mad and/or pull away.

I've seen that in myself, where I would get mad at my W for little stupid stuff after I used porn. It makes no logical sense that it happens, but guilt plays tricks on emotions, so the offender can't accept him or herself, and the easiest way to deal with that is for the offender to pull away from his or her mate. Emotions and brains do crazy stuff to rationalize things when we cheat, including lying to ourselves.

I think it's important to have patience at times like this.
And that's hard, having patience when days seem long and dreary, but if you push hard, things could fall apart faster.

Remember that you don't have leverage because you are like an old reliable pickup truck, and your W just found a convertible. Convertibles are fun when you're in a midlife crisis (MLC), and your W might be in one. But affairs with convertibles often don't last, just like marital affairs. After a while, one starts to notice that convertibles have faults. They aren't warm or fun to drive in the winter. They are noisy. The OM's faults will surface eventually.

The other thing the LRT program said -- become the person who your W was attracted to in the first place. Maybe not 33 years ago, but maybe 10 or 15 years ago. Maybe that will help you. It helped me.

Your sitch might be unique, but you are not alone. That is what I learned here. I come back here every day. It helps keep me sane and grounded.

You could also find old friends to connect with, to GAL. Or hobbies. Or take your daughters out instead of your W. Or play board games with them. Don't brag about it, but show her what a reliable family man you are by bonding with your kids.

Or check out Facebook. Facebook is platonic, and it's easy to find old friends there, although the FB crowd tends to appeal more to women, and manly men don't hang there as much. My W recently posted on FB - 10 thinks that women want but would never tell their man - some were jewels, like "be proud of her; protect her (emotionally and spiritually, protect her when she can't protect herself [I'm still trying to figure that out, but you might want to acknowledge your W for her strong moral character - remind her who she really is inside, but do not point out how she's contracting that])." I think you're already doing the rest of the things... attention, intimacy, be thoughtful, accept imperfections, etc.

Read the validation cheat sheet that Cadet posted above. I need to read that over and over, so I get to the point where, when my W says our marriage has been broken for 10 years, I don't defend, I don't give a blank stare, but I say "That must be really hard for you." That's the man I want to be.

Find ways to love yourself and make yourself happy. Maybe it's fishing, or hiking, or car shows, or gun shows, or church, or yoga. You get the idea. When you're not busting your butt and your W is out, find something that makes you happy instead of waiting for her. Order the Divorce Recovery book and sit and read it.

I'm a newbie here myself. I've been here about two weeks. This is a great community. There are lots of wise old souls here. The rest of the Internet has a lot of websites selling elementary advice for marital problems, stuff that's pretty obvious. This is like graduate school.


Married 15, Together 17
M: 59, W: 57, SS: 28
BD: 12/21/2017
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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


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Originally Posted By: rminer
She is sending out a lot of mixed signals:
We purchased a side of beef which we picked up the same day she told me she knew it was over. She got a text from the lady selling it saying that there was more available because someone did not pick theirs up, but by the time we got back to the lady it was gone. My wife said she was sad because we could have used it. Why would we need it if she is leaving me?


rminer,

I'm sorry you're here. My wife sent a lot of mixed signals as well. She'd tell me that, without question, she was going to get a divorce, and shortly thereafter, she'd tell me she wanted to get new kitchen counters, put new tile in the master bathroom, replace the carpet in the family room and get another dog.

I'm not sure why they do that; they're probably not sure either. It's just speculation on my part, but I suspect they want to keep one foot in the security of the current family and husband, and another foot in the fantasy world of the affair. Apparently, having their cake and eating it too is very appealing.

I actually did some of the stuff that my wife wanted to have done to the house. But, if I had it to do over again, I'd tell her that we aren't making any changes to the house because of the pending divorce. Not only does it save you money, I think it sends a signal that you're not willing to kiss her @ss and you are willing to let her go.

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Originally Posted By: rminer
The evidence I have that she is cheating:
I don’t have any “smoking gun” evidence, but I do have quite a bit of circumstantial.

She has had a major change in behavior and emotional detachment. She is texting and using Facebook at all hours of the day and night. Literally. I have often gotten up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom or get a drink and she is texting. I have even seen her texting when I get up in the morning to go to work. I have seen the name on the screen several times, and it is always the OM. During these texts she will sometimes get one of those “flattered” smiles on her face like someone said something to make her happy.
I have seen some texts between her and the OM. There is a lot of suggestion and innuendo, but nothing that directly says “we are having sex.” Putting it all together indicates that they are though. A lot the texts are about personal things in their life and she mentions “their beer.” The OM at one point says he feels like he is responsible for this. There is also a text between her and her friend that is having marital issues that refers to the OM by his initial and tells my wife to “be careful.”
In my mind this is at least an emotional affair, but I am 99% sure it is sexual too.

R,

I want to first start off by saying that I am really sorry you are here but it is the best place for you at this time. You sound like a really great family guys who has spent his life to providing for his family. I am seriously building your own house is awesome! While doing that you may have neglected your W who has now run into the arms of another man/predator. Unfortunately now a days with FB and cellphones it makes having an A a lot easier. I am sorry to break the news but your W is having at least an emotional affair (EA) but most likely at physical affair (PA). There are some who say don't out the A like Natural advised you and some who say out the A like I do. It will get worse when you out the A but it has to get worse for awhile before it gets better. Having said that do not out the affair if you are going to turn a blind eye to it. Meaning if you are going to out the A be prepared to set some boundaries. You can read about boundaries on Cadet's homework link. You can't control her and make her stop the A but you can control what you are accept. In other words are you willing to share her with another man and be in an open marriage. There are cases on here where a blind eye approach is taken and the affair just continues and the agony of the situation makes the faithful spouse look weak and [censored] the life out of him.


What I have done to combat this:
Since I started getting suspicious shortly before Christmas, I have been playing “Happy Husband.” I have been maintaining a positive attitude (at least around her), smiling and joking. I say nothing negative at all. I have been going out of my way to make her feel appreciated and loved. Hugs, kisses, nibbles on the neck (which is still making her giggle), and a lot of “I love yous.”
I have been offering to do things for her, like go to the store when I am out, do some of her “chores” around the house, get her food or drink from the kitchen and make myself generally more available to her.
I contact her once or twice a day just to let her know I am thinking of her. I bought her flowers “just because.”

Ok. This all has to stop immediately. Especially if she knows you know she is having an A this will make you look pathetic in her eyes. I know that is harsh but at this point and time you can not nice her back. I know it seems like the logical thing to do but it will actually make things worse right now.

What can you do? The opposite of what you think you should do. Give her space giver her all the space in the world. Stop pursuit immediately. Start to make a great life for you and your kids. Exercise, connect with old friends, spend time with family, read self help books, finish the house your building and definitely consider individual counseling.

You will most likely get a chance at recon but that is going to be along way down the road. You most likely can't make things better right now but you can certainly make them worse. This is probably going to be the hardest thing you will ever go through but if you do the hard work you will get through and be happy again with or w/o your W.

Print out Sandi's rules from the home work page and start implementing them immediately. We are here to help!


Good luck!




Last edited by Cadet; 01/13/18 04:19 AM.
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Originally Posted By: LH19
Ok. This all has to stop immediately. Especially if she knows you know she is having an A this will make you look pathetic in her eyes. I know that is harsh but at this point and time you can not nice her back. I know it seems like the logical thing to do but it will actually make things worse right now.


Agree with this completely.

Also, what are you doing for GAL??

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Quote:
She has a dominating personality and is not afraid of confrontation, but is very outgoing and people immediately like her. I am a more laid back, go with the flow type of person, but can be very assertive when necessary.


I dare say that this is the foundation of a lot more issues in your relationship, than you may realize. A W who has a dominating personality who is M to an easy going H, can began to challenge him more & more. She wants to see him stand up to her, so she pushes and tests him. Women want a man who is stronger than she is, and your easy going manner can be mistaken for weakness.

Quote:
We are both Christian, but her ties to Faith run much deeper than mine, so something like this is completely out of character for her and goes against what she believes in. She told me before we ever got married that it is “death before divorce.” She has maintained that motto since.


I hope you will read my threads on the wayward W's mindset.

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When I got home from work on Saturday, she was in the kitchen working on some things she likes to do. I greet her and got a very cold response. I ask what’s wrong, she says “nothing.” From that point she stops talking to me.
The next day, still not talking to me, I again ask what’s wrong. “Nothing” again. This continues for a few days, so I stop asking her what is wrong. One thing I have learned about her is that if she is mad and you keep asking why, she will get even angrier and withdraw.


So, this is an example of the typical interaction when your W won't talk. You assume she is mad, and instead of trying to talk to her about her feelings....you leave her alone until she gets over it. Do you also assume she is mad at you, although you don't have a clue as to why? If I am correct about this, put this tip under your hat for now. In the future when she displays this behavior, don't ask her, "What's wrong". Instead, let her know that you can tell something is bothering her. "You seem troubled about something, I am here to listen, if you feel like talking about it". Then, if she does talk, don't make the mistake a lot of men make, and tell her how to fix her problem. Just listen. Like I said, remember this in the future. Right now, you may need to take actions that seem very foreign to you. I'll get into that in a minute.

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Ten days after this started, she sends me a text out of the blue that says that she “doesn’t want to be hurt or mad any more. I’m just tired,” then follows it up with a few texts about one of our daughters. I reply that I don’t know what she means by that. She stopped talking to me and I don’t know what I did. She replies “Yeah, I know you don’t.” She then questions whether I mean it when I tell her I love her in the morning and at night, or if it is just part of my routine (I tell her a minimum twice a day that I love her and there is a reason for that). I assure her that I love her and that I mean it. That’s where the conversation stops. When I get home, I could not get any follow up from her.


You didn't realize it, but she is just looking for an excuse.....but the real issue is that she has another man in her head, so she needs to find justification for being unhappy, hurt, or whatever. And, she needs to blame you. This was sort of like giving you notice that she is emotionally done with the MR.

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It was at this point she stopped doing anything for me.


It's her way of emotionally divorcing you. She's going out with others, she's given you notice, stopped talking with you, and now she has stopped doing her usual wifely duties.

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We talk back and forth a little bit, and in a nutshell, she says that she “can’t do this anymore,” she has been lying to herself, she doesn’t feel loved or wanted, I don’t compliment her, it has been going on for years and years, we’ve talked about it but it never changes, she keeps it inside because she knows it will never change, we were just kids when we met and we grew apart, the house is killing her but I would never give it up and that she knew it was over when I stopped caring why she was mad.


Her justification ^^^^^^. She is cheating on you, so in her mindset, she has to find a reason that justifies her getting another man, instead of staying loyal to the one she M.

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All of this plus more has occurred since the “it’s over” statement. It is almost like she still sees “us” in the future at times. Needless to say I’m confused.


You see mixed signals b/c you are trying to logically see a person who would act a certain way if they wanted a D. Her mindset is not logical. Her actions are not logical. She'll say things that are not logical. Don't forget this, or you'll go crazy trying to figure her out.

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What I have done to combat this:
Since I started getting suspicious shortly before Christmas, I have been playing “Happy Husband.” I have been maintaining a positive attitude (at least around her), smiling and joking. I say nothing negative at all. I have been going out of my way to make her feel appreciated and loved. Hugs, kisses, nibbles on the neck (which is still making her giggle), and a lot of “I love yous.”
I have been offering to do things for her, like go to the store when I am out, do some of her “chores” around the house, get her food or drink from the kitchen and make myself generally more available to her.
I contact her once or twice a day just to let her know I am thinking of her. I bought her flowers “just because.”


To a M man, this is the logical action to take to win back the love of his W. Unfortunately, after a woman has closed her heart for her H and opened it for another man......this above actions only push her farther away from her H. You see, you have been trying to prove how much you love her, thinking it would fix the problem. At the moment, she really doesn't care how you love her. She has emotionally divorced you. Her head is filled with OM, and he is the one who makes her feel alive.

Sorry, I know those words must hurt, but I want to talk straight to you. I was very much like your W. My H was not meeting my intimate emotional needs that only a H can do for his W. Years of resentment had turned into disrespect for him. I felt dead on the inside. I did not go looking for an affair. However, under the right circumstances and having a rebellious heart toward my H....it happened. It never became physical skin on skin, but you might say we participated in the act via modern apps. Most men worry more about their W taking it to a PA. What they don't realize is that for women, an EA is just as strong. B/c with an EA, it's all about her emotions being fed by this other guy. He can live long distance, but as long as he's telling her what she wants to hear....her brain is being flooded with the same chemicals of falling in love.

So, buckle up for the ride of your life. It's not too late to turn things around and save your M. You'll hear advice that seems harsh and totally opposite of what your feelings tell you to do. I hope you will read my thread on Help for the Newcomer H with a WW.

BTW, that was over ten years ago when I joined the board as a WW. My H and I are still together. The reason I continue to stick around the board are people like you. I hope to pass along what I've learned. As long as you'll listen, I have a lot to say. wink

Post often and read the homework Cadet gave you.

Joined: Dec 2017
Posts: 469
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rminer:
Please read and re read what Sandi posted. Her writing has given me immense insight into my wife's mindset. You will hate what she has to say but she is very likely right about all of it. All of it.

You are going to have to have a crazy amount of patience, and you are going to have to learn to love yourself to get through this. It is one of the hardest things you will ever do but you can make it through.


Save yourself. Nobody is coming!
BD:11/2017
Filed:12/2017
Final: 2/2018
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 132
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rminer Offline OP
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[quote=Natural]Rminer,

I feel for you man. Sorry you are in this mess, but glad you are here. I think it wold be best to not confront your W right now. I think that advice comes from the videos I've watched by MWD. It would probably only make things worse.



Are you saying that you don't think I should talk to her about "us" at all like we said we were going to do, or I shouldn't confront about the affair?





Remember that you don't have leverage because you are like an old reliable pickup truck, and your W just found a convertible. Convertibles are fun when you're in a midlife crisis (MLC), and your W might be in one. But affairs with convertibles often don't last, just like marital affairs. After a while, one starts to notice that convertibles have faults. They aren't warm or fun to drive in the winter. They are noisy. The OM's faults will surface eventually.



Yes, the whole family has felt she has been in a MLC for over a year now. She has not been acting her age at all. Never dreamed it would come to this though.

She has complained about the OM many times in the past for promising to set things up for the kids but never following through. He is really the last person I thought she would ever pick...


I appreciate the words of encouragement, Natural. I'm sure I will be here often.


M: 25 T:33
Me: 48 W: 49
S24, D21, D18, D15, S8 All living at home while going to school
A confirmed: 12-25-17
EA Definite PA Probable
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