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#2774656 01/09/18 04:45 PM
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previous thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2765343&page=11

FastCars, it's more than that. It's letting her experience the consequences of her actions, yes, but it's also me gaining some distance, and no longer going out of my way to help her.

I'm not proud of it, but there's also some satisfaction in having someone who's treated me so badly being awash in her own garbage. I'm not sure where that fits into DBing.

On another note, I'm just about to refi the house and take her name off it. She has to sign the paperwork, so she's well aware of what's going on. I kind of feel like some of the things she's been doing lately is temp checking, so this might be a good indication of whether that's true.

I am pretty sure that's wishful thinking on my part, so my expectations are very low. The things I refer to as temp checking are also part of divorcing, so, like I said, my expectations are low.


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Jim, when do you think you'll actually get divorced?

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Originally Posted By: NicoleR
Jim, when do you think you'll actually get divorced?


I don't know. I simply don't have any reason right now to push it, so, knowing my WAW's penchant for not doing this kind of thing, it might be a while.

But, I've heard that with the new tax law, alimony is no longer deductable to the payor, UNLESS THE DIVORCE IS FINALIZED before the end of 2018. That's something I'm surprised I haven't seen discussed on this forum. I have to do some more research, but if this is true, I will probably start pushing it.

Or I could get a new girlfriend, and decide I don't want to be married.

Or she could surprise me and send my lawyer a settlement proposal tomorrow. I just don't know. Taking it one day at a time......


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I thought the kids were doing fairly well in the divorce. I was wrong.

D16 isn't doing well in come classes. Just not turning in homework. She can easily handle the work; that's not the problem. Over Christmas break, she promised me she was doing some of the back homeworks each day, until the last day of break, claimed she only had 3 short assignments left. I left for a work trip, and haven't seen her until today, almost 2 weeks later.

I got online and checked, and her assignments were never turned in. I asked her, in as gentle a way as I am capable (and yes, objectively speaking, it was pretty gentle), what was going on. She confessed she hasn't done the homework. When I asked further, it's obvious the divorce is having far more impact than I thought, but she just won't really talk to me. She doesn't really talk to WAW, either.

Her best friend's 16th birthday party is tomorrow night. She asked days ago if she could sleep over, and I told her yes. Of course, this was before I knew about her not turning in her homework.

I guess I'm looking for some advice.... I'd like to be supportive, and help her get back on track by helping to resolve the issues that make doing her homework so hard now. But I don't see how I can still let her go to the party.


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Oh man that's tough.

I would want to let her go but I'd also need a commitment from her.

Maybe tell her you changed your mind and don't want to let her go to the party because of her grades, and discuss it with her to see what she's willing to commit to. Because you can't let her go because of the homework, but you also already said yes.

I think it might be beneficial for her to get some time with her friends right now. I think that if she does some make up work and does better going forward it will be ok this one time.


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This is where Co parenting is important!

How is it your decision alone?

This is serious stuff, your D has misled you both about her situation. Where are the school conferences? When you asked your D did you ask to see, be involved in her catch up, look at her schedule, praise or discuss Progress? Did you get invested?

Your child is struggling and you were unaware?

Stopping her going to her friends party appears to be punishment to me. Closing the door after the horse has bolted. This is a wonderful opportunity to show care, love involvement and true interest. Fantastic dad and D time. This is a case to show love and mutual respect. To get to know and understand your D. To validate and listen, to put together an action plan to tackle this together with feedback.

I see a pattern in this, 25 posted some amazing posts at the start of your last thread about the passive aggressive umbrella incident and punishment with regard to the advance payment on the house. Comments about protecting from consequences, I think you might choose to reread and see if you have a pattern.

If you want to enforce consequences then boundaries are set and then enforcement occurs.

Those are my thoughts, although there are parents here who can help you with strategy on this. It is a long time since I fostered teenagers.

I think you need a proper plan.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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I would let her go contingent on her putting together a plan to make up the homework... Put the plan in place before the party... And you can help her if she lets you... Don't take the party away from her this time... I don't think it would be worth it in the scheme of things...

I am not a cotton ball-y, lenient type of parent, accept in emotional matters... sometimes it pays to go soft, IMO...

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Quote:
I guess I'm looking for some advice.... I'd like to be supportive, and help her get back on track by helping to resolve the issues that make doing her homework so hard now. But I don't see how I can still let her go to the party.


Personally, I think it would be a mistake. If you punish her by not allowing her to attend her best friends 16th birthday party, she may really rebel about everything. Since she is not talking about her feelings with her parents, she needs someone who will listen and support her. Her friend probably does, but I suggest you check with the school counselor and see if she will feel free to talk. If s/he is only an academic counselor, then seeking a family therapist may be in order.

She is the innocent that gets hurts in the fallout of her parents' disaster. It's probably hard for her to find motivation to even do the homework, when she feels her world falling apart. Let her know you are concerned for her emotional well being b/c you love her. You want her to feel free to go to you about anything......not keep secrets b/c she's afraid you'll punish her.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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In the end, I worked with WAW,and did what most of you suggested. I made sure she completed a large number of late assignments before I let her go, reached an understanding before she left where she would catch up on the rest of the assignments today, tomorrow (Sunday and she has Monday off from school, so she can spend all day doing homework), and the rest of this week. I updated WAW and her schoolteachers of what she has completed and what she is working on, so I'm pretty sure that if WAW follows thru this week while she has the kids, D16 will be back on track. In the last two days, she's completed a lot of the missed assignments, but still has a lot to do.

When we realized D16 was having problems before Christmas, we arranged for her to see a counsellor twice before the year ended. Kids have been with WAW since, and she hasn't had any more sessions. After I realized how badly D16 was doing in school, I talked to WAW. She made an appointment with the counsellor, and I took D16 today. WAW spent quite a bit of time on the phone talking to counsellor when she made the appointment, and apparently learned quite a bit. She'll tell me when we have an opportunity.

I was very calm throughout the discussion, validated her feelings, asked for her input. We talked a lot about how hard the divorce was from her perspective, and what I could do to make it easier.

She explicitly said it was hard not having a schedule, knowing where they would be spending each night. (WAW and I both travel extensively. Our custody basically says when I'm working, she gets the kids, and vice versa.) WAW and I coordinate our schedules, but haven't really shared them with the kids. Now that I know, I drew up a calendar for January, and diagrammed when we would each be travelling, and where the kids would be each night. We'll see how that works out.


M:23 T:26
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D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
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Jim1234 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Vanilla
This is where Co parenting is important!

How is it your decision alone?

This is serious stuff, your D has misled you both about her situation. Where are the school conferences? When you asked your D did you ask to see, be involved in her catch up, look at her schedule, praise or discuss Progress? Did you get invested?

Your child is struggling and you were unaware?

......

I think you need a proper plan.

V


V, I was aware, and tried over Christmas break to make sure she got her work done. She lied to me, saying she completed her assignments, and I believed her. We've had a lot of snow days, I was overseas, and I wasn't sure how much lag there was between her assignments being turned in, and them being posted online, so I waited a week before querying her teachers.

Now that I know, I've brought it up to WAW. She is as upset as I, and we are taking more active steps to make sure she does her work.

thank you for your inputs. I really value them.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
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