That's what I'm doing now, as much as I can anyway. It's been 15 1/2 months since I separated from my STBXW (henceforth referred to as ex), and the divorce hearing to finalize is set for Jan 10th (2 days). I'm flying to FL tomorrow after work, hearing is set the next day at 1030hrs and I'm flying home that evening. Quick and painless, right?
I have two questions I'd appreciate opinions on, they are:
1. My mother asked if I wanted her to come with me for support, I told her no. My thought is that it might make it harder to say what I have to say if I feel like she's watching me admit my M is a failure and cannot be saved. I plan on heading to her house after the hearing, so I will be around family afterwards for a few hours before going to the airport. Do you think it would be a good idea to ask her to come?
2. I've told my ex not to bring her boyfriend to the hearing. Initially I planned to just leave if she brought him, I'm not subpoenaed, the divorce just won't happen if we aren't both there. She would then need to file for divorce costing her a lot of money, kind of a final F you. I'm reconsidering that option because I want this to go through and be done with it, but fear anger will get the best of me if she shows up with him, thoughts on forcing her to file at a much higher cost? (yes, I'm being spiteful, just need to hear someone else say it)
Overall, I've been enjoying life, embarking on adventures and embracing my love for the outdoors. I had a few down days last week after seeing her facebook posts introducing her new "baby" to everyone. But I got past that funk after a few days, and am optimistic about my present/future.
I have waited to date until my D is final, but on Friday went ahead and created a profile on an online dating site (I included that I was still M and the D date in the profile). I was contacted by someone Saturday morning, and we have been texting a little. It's been nice to start getting to talk with someone, but I've held off on asking her to meet IRL because I'd rather do that after the D is final.
Anyway, it's been a whirlwind but thankfully the circus should be over soon, my son's planning to go away to college in 6 months and I should have no more contact with ex, other than sons milestones (graduation, marriage, etc.).
Last edited by job; 01/08/1806:51 AM. Reason: added link to previous thread
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
2. I've told my ex not to bring her boyfriend to the hearing. Initially I planned to just leave if she brought him, I'm not subpoenaed, the divorce just won't happen if we aren't both there. She would then need to file for divorce costing her a lot of money, kind of a final F you. I'm reconsidering that option because I want this to go through and be done with it, but fear anger will get the best of me if she shows up with him, thoughts on forcing her to file at a much higher cost? (yes, I'm being spiteful, just need to hear someone else say it)
Coconut,
I think it's a great boundary to set. I think your request is very reasonable. She's still married to you; I don't think it's spiteful of you to request that the OM doesn't make an appearance.
Thx doodler, I don't think it's unreasonable for me to ask that he not be there.. But if he is, is it unreasonable for me to just leave and the divorce be dismissed?
I do want the divorce, so not sure if i'll be cutting off my nose to spite my face, but I will be pissed if she does that and it's about the only consequential thing I can do if she does bring him. She makes more than I do, she got most of the marital assets, we have about the same in our retirement accts (except she will also get a FD pension in addition), so I don't think I'd lose out if we have to get lawyers involved.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Thx doodler, I don't think it's unreasonable for me to ask that he not be there.. But if he is, is it unreasonable for me to just leave and the divorce be dismissed?
I do want the divorce, so not sure if i'll be cutting off my nose to spite my face, but I will be pissed if she does that and it's about the only consequential thing I can do if she does bring him. She makes more than I do, she got most of the marital assets, we have about the same in our retirement accts (except she will also get a FD pension in addition), so I don't think I'd lose out if we have to get lawyers involved.
First off, from following your sitch for a long time, I think you are getting waaaaay ahead of yourself. Your ex is not out ot be spiteful and I don't think she has ever rubbed anything in your face. I read some of these newcomers, and these WAW are nutso, really trying to hurt their LBS. I don't think she is out to do that to you at all. I also think she knows you, and that if she were to bring the BF, you would become spiteful. I don't think she wants that. I think she wants to move on peacefully.
You worry me a bit because you want to spiteful and in one way, you are moving forward, moved, have great hobbies, ect.... why would you want to bring any unwanted friction into your life? Just get it done with already. Change the marital status on your dating profile to divorced. Wipe the slate completely clean. Free yourself already! It's been 15 months. You have been asking for this, now you have it, and you want make it harder just to spite her?
I get the hurt. I have to actually speak to and be friendly with other woman who is his wife and my daughters stepmother. The only thing that really freed me was me not trying to punish them anymore.
I don't think she is going to bring him. And if she did, you don't even need to do anything consequential.
Even my ex, one of the biggest douchebags, knew not to bring OW. I went alone, and my ex had his lawyer who is his dad's best friend and also attended our wedding. How awkward is that? Especially he part where he asked "how are you doing?"
I do want the divorce, so not sure if i'll be cutting off my nose to spite my face, but I will be pissed if she does that and it's about the only consequential thing I can do if she does bring him.
Do you think she'd respond positively if you asked her nicely not to bring the OM along for the court appearance?
Thx Ginger, you are probably right and she won't bring him. but when I was down in the dumps last week I thought about the hearing and the thought of her showing up with him popped in my head.. I didn't care for the idea, and the thought of leaving if he showed up seemed like my best way out of the situation.. but like I said, I want this to be over.
Doodler, I mentioned it to her and she didn't reply.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
My understand is that you are entitled to confidentiality.
Do you have an L?
My clear instruction to my L was that if there was a breach of my confidentiality, misuse of my information by WH, his BIT or the faux L then I would ask for contempt of court.
That was enough.
He had no motion to admit as a witness.
It worked
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Why should it matter if she brings OM or not? He was never the threat to the marriage - her level of commitment was.
Let go of the anger - she will need to face the consequences of her actions as she lives the rest of her life. I know, easier said than done.
The spite is just another way for saying you're still affected by her. Not detached. Be indifferent. Be respectful to the court, and to the process of law, but the end is in sight. Don't waiver.
Also, my opinion is you'll need time to process everything. Dating so soon could be a recipe for disaster - for both you and the date. Please think through and around your pain to what you want long-term. Sometimes the lonely takes us over - and we want companionship. Just keep the end goal in mind.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
It IS inappropriate if STBX brought a boyfriend. For sure.
But given the choice between trying to control them and remaining emotionally invested and just shrugging it off, I'd go with shrugging it off.
In my heart and mind my wife died 3 years ago. The person she became is just a stranger to me. An extra in the movie of my life. She doesn't have a name and I certainly don't care what she does with her body or free time. She is one of about 4 billion girls I have nothing to do with.
Fake it til you make it.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
It IS inappropriate if STBX brought a boyfriend. For sure.
But given the choice between trying to control them and remaining emotionally invested and just shrugging it off, I'd go with shrugging it off.
In my heart and mind my wife died 3 years ago. The person she became is just a stranger to me. An extra in the movie of my life. She doesn't have a name and I certainly don't care what she does with her body or free time. She is one of about 4 billion girls I have nothing to do with.
Fake it til you make it.
Yes, to all of this.
And that's how I try and think of my STBXH as well...like he's dead. He is in a way - dead - the person that I knew. Replaced perhaps by a shell that bears a bit of a resemblance to STBXH. But what's inside of him? That's just really weird, not the person I knew. So he's dead in my eyes. And that makes it easier for me to live my life now, today.
And the faking it part...yes also. Fake it not as a 'you on steroids' type faking it. But faking it in a detached, zen, non-reacting type of faking it. That gives you more space in your mind and in your soul for you to just be.
Occasionally I slip back into my old ways, and I can **feel** it. And, I tell you, it feels downright **weird**. I've been faking it for so long now, that what started off as a massive effort and alien to me now feels like the new normal and easy.
Taking that principle, I'm going to apply it to other parts of myself, because experience tells me it works.
Dating? I did go on a few dates. But not with the intention of being with someone, it was more with the intention of practicing getting into the mindset of going out, meeting someone that wasn't my H, chatting with them and maybe even flirting with them a little as well. Even just that felt very, very weird. I wasn't sure I was entirely comfortable with it, it also felt confusing and I did feel a little out of my depth as well. A lot of stuff to be dealing with and processing, for sure.
It all takes time, my friend. Time to feel, absurd those feelings, think about them (or process them in some way of you're not a thinking kind).
Coconut My understand is that you are entitled to confidentiality. Do you have an L? V
We are doing a dissolution of M, in FL It’s $400, we had to fill out paperwork stating that we have split all assets and debts to satisfaction, we have no children together and we both agree that the M is irreconcilable. No lawyers, no fighting for support, etc. We just have to appear together at a hearing and each state that the M is irreconcilable and the Judge signs off on the divorce. I don’t know if the hearing is open to the public or not.
Originally Posted By: trumpet
The opposite of love is indifference. Why should it matter if she brings OM or not? He was never the threat to the marriage - her level of commitment was. Let go of the anger - she will need to face the consequences of her actions as she lives the rest of her life. I know, easier said than done.
Your absolutely right, although I feel like it would really be disrespecting me, as it should be obvious that I don’t want him involved in this, but in the long run I guess it really doesn’t matter. But thinking about it objectively, I think Ginger is right and she won’t bring him.
Originally Posted By: Zues126
I agree with both V and Trumpet. It IS inappropriate if STBX brought a boyfriend. For sure. But given the choice between trying to control them and remaining emotionally invested and just shrugging it off, I'd go with shrugging it off.
Agreed
Originally Posted By: focus22
Dating? I did go on a few dates. But not with the intention of being with someone, it was more with the intention of practicing getting into the mindset of going out, meeting someone that wasn't my H, chatting with them and maybe even flirting with them a little as well. Even just that felt very, very weird. I wasn't sure I was entirely comfortable with it, it also felt confusing and I did feel a little out of my depth as well. A lot of stuff to be dealing with and processing, for sure.
Wow, I haven’t starting writing about my feelings in posting on a online dating site, but this is along the line of what I’m thinking about it. I work in an office alone, I had a co-worker who shared the office, but she went out due to medical 7 months ago and I’ve been alone in my office since, I see at most 2 people in a day and most days it’s just me. I don’t know anyone in my town that I “hang out” with, most of my communication on a daily basis is by phone and/or text, although I travel frequently to be around friends on the weekends. I want to start becoming social on a daily basis, have someone to meet up for a meal, movie, fair, whatever. I posted the profile in hopes of just meeting people, becoming social again, and building a network of friends. I haven’t reached out to anyone on the dating site, but had one that reached out to me, but so far she seems a little more in need of attention than what I am ready to give to one person. I’ll talk more on that after the D is done.
Thank you all for your input/support, it really helps to get others input to help me remain grounded. I'm in a good state of mind right now, flying out in a couple of hours.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Yes, it would be disrespectful. But I have got to say, in my many years on these boards, and the many OP person involved, no one has ever brought their new significant other to their divorce. It believe it is strongly advised against.
I get where you are coming from on the needing some adult interaction. Most of my interaction during the week is with my 10 year old, who is cool as heck, but I need adults! My were moved in our office and I sit where I can't really talk to my coworkers anymore. Dating isn't the only way to make friends though. I am not saying don't date. I joined a gym which was kind of like the idea of crossfit, but not crossfit last year. The same group met at the same time 5 days a week. I made new friends (and an ex boyfriend, hahaha. Volunteering will also open you up to a whole new bunch of people. I hear volunteering for habitat for humanity is a great experience.
You'll meet new people. Good luck, I will be praying everything goes smoothly.
V are you saying that the divorce proceeding in Florida court is closed to the public? If so,mwhere are you getting this information as it does not appear to be accurate. In fact even the divorce settlement is a public record. For a filing fee anyone can obtain the actual settlement in a Florida divorce including financial information. Only under very rare circumstances is a court hearing sealed or private. Our courts are open. Certainly some pre trial or hearing meetings, negotiations and arbitration hearings are often not open to the public but the final court hearing and decision is. Our courts are an open process.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
...one that reached out to me, but so far she seems a little more in need of attention than what I am ready to give to one person. I’ll talk more on that after the D is done.
And one of the excellent things that I've discovered about this whole process is that you can work on defining exactly what it is that **you** want in your life
I went to court for my divorce. Not a trial, probably didn't even have to go, but I didn't have counsel advising me. It's a whole bunch of cases in one day, the court is wide open to the public. Which was pretty embarrassing as I couldn't stop crying and the baliff had to bring me tissues (true story)Thank God it actually only took 2 minutes of court time, then they are on to the next.
Coconut- I hope it only took 2 quick minutes for you two and everything went smoothly.
I wrote detailed info in Newcomers, but basically it wasn't a trial, just a hearing to finalize the divorce. I'm not sure if it was open to the public, they checked everyone in and we waited outside until everyone was there before letting us enter the court room, but they didn't check who was going in when they did let us in. My ex's mother went with her, and she went into the courtroom, so I'm assuming it was open to public. But no personal information was discussed and we just had to answer a few questions.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
This weekend I went to a meet-up with my kayak fishing club for a winter get together.. We went to a lake that has a hot water discharge canal from a power plant that flows into a large lake. This was my first time going, but they go every year, it's known as the fishing meet where the fish are jumping all over the place but don't bite and everyone sticks it out in the cold as long as they can before going to grab some lunch. Just a social gathering.
It lived up to it's reputation this year, except they weren't discharging hot water that day, so the fishing was worse than usual, and it was freezing.. the wind was howling down the canal and we didn't make it very long before going to breakfast instead of sticking it out till lunch.
Anyway, while out I was talking to a few friends about dating now that the D was finalized, mentioned that I had tried online dating and that the first person I met was very aggressive.
I had posted my profile on Friday, she reached out and we started to chat on Saturday, while chatting I told her I was headed out to go hike a trail at a local state park and left, when I got back she had msg'd me like 10 times. then on Sunday, I was taking all the x-mas decorations down, disposing of my tree, etc, so I didn't reach out to her. About 1pm, she messaged "have I lost you already?". My thought was that she never had me, how could she lose me, but I replied that no, I was going to contact her later but I was getting some stuff done around the house I needed to take care of.
Anyway, we talked a little over the course of the next few days, then I told her I would be out of communication for a few days while I went to FL to take care of the D. When I got back I messaged her that it brought up more emotions than I thought it would, and that I was going to hold off for a while before dating and I deleted my online profile. She asked if we could still be friends and I replied that would be nice if it didn't come with expectations (I don't have any friends in my hometown). She then replied and asked if it would come with any benefits. Grr.. now I realize that is something most would probably jump on, no pun intended, but I had just told her no expectations and she throws that out there. I probably should have told her I wasn't interested in communicating anymore, but I just told her I wasn't looking for a hookup. Now I don't have any interest in talking to her, it's been over a week and she hasn't said a single thing that interests me, but I'm not sure how to end that communication nicely... I guess I will just man up and tell her.
While at the meet-up, one of buddies starts telling me about some of his experiences with OLD, and I got to tell you it was right along the lines of what you all have experienced. He had one lady he was dating for a couple of months, they had always gone back to his place because she said that she didn't want her kids to know she was sexually active, until one day that they had planned a date, she showed up at his house with her Husband. Apparently he was ok with her having guys on the side as long as he got to watch occasionally. unreal.
Anyway, I decided to check out another site that he said had a lot more people from our area, so I went on there and have been communicating with a lady that lives in the same town as my bff (about 35 mins away). She has a ranch where she trains horses, has a start up dog grooming business, and is a foster parent for rescue dogs waiting to be adopted. Her bio seemed very genuine, and she seems very down to earth and content with her life. She is my age and I found her to be very attractive (not in a hot kind of way, but a natural beauty), so I reached out to her and we have been talking a little.
I am joining another fishing club this week, this is a cat fishing club, which is ironic because I've never been cat fishing and don't have any plans to anytime soon. But I've been to some of their events, they are a local club, I've gotten to know the president of the club and a few of the guys in the club that I get along with, plus they do a lot of charitable work which I think I can really help out with. so overall I think it will be a good way for me to build some friendships with people in town, spend time doing some charitable work, and who knows, maybe i'll enjoy cat fishing when I eventually try it out.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
He had one lady he was dating for a couple of months, they had always gone back to his place because she said that she didn't want her kids to know she was sexually active, until one day that they had planned a date, she showed up at his house with her Husband. Apparently he was ok with her having guys on the side as long as he got to watch occasionally. unreal.
Holy sh*t! That is unreal!
Originally Posted By: Coconut
She is my age and I found her to be very attractive (not in a hot kind of way, but a natural beauty), so I reached out to her and we have been talking a little.
In my opinion, girl-next-door natural beauty so much better than the typical notion of hotness (lots of makeup, perfect hair and fake boobs). The problem with the hot chicks is that they can't stand up to weather. If they get caught in the rain, the hotness gets washed away. When the natural beauty gets caught in the rain, they look hot as ever.
I really don't think I'm cut out for online dating. I have a really hard time gauging someone's intent behind their messages. So far, the first girl I ran into was way too aggressive, I played along for awhile and when I finally decided to just outright tell her I wasn't interested, she stopped texting me.
Then the ranch lady and I have been communicating back and forth for a few days, but her messages are very short, usually only answering or commenting on what I say to her, which doesn't leave me much to reply to, or show that she has any interest in getting to know me. So I figured she's just being polite and not really interested, so I hadn't responded to her last message since yesterday morning, but I don't want to stop communicating if she is interested and just isn't very good at holding a written conversation (if you followed my sitch, you know I tend to say a lot when writing).
Then I started chatting with another person this morning who caught my attention because all of her interests matched mine (fishing, kayaking, camping, etc), and the same thing as ranch lady, she keeps replying with just a comment or answer to something I say.
And yesterday I had someone that didn't interest me reach out and made a comment about a few of my pictures, it was a funny comment and so I responded politely about what she said (kind of what the other two are doing to me), and when she responded again I thanked her for reaching out but told her I wasn't interested in continuing to chat.
So I decided to send this message to the other two (ranch lady and fishing girl):
"I really can't figure out if you want to chat or are just being polite. You keep replying to me, but the short responses don't leave me with much to respond to.
If you're not interested in talking, I won't take it personally, but if you would like to talk, please give me more than just a short comment or response to what I said."
and I sent it.. then wondered if it was a bad idea. and to be honest, I'm still not sure. If I am talking with someone in person, it's pretty easy to read body language to determine if there's any interest. But in that scenario, if the conversation is good, I wouldn't end the conversation just because she wasn't interested.
But in written word, it's all but impossible to determine interest unless the words demonstrate it. I don't want to stop talking to someone just because they aren't good at holding a conversation via text, but I also don't want to keep up a relatively boring conversation with someone who isn't interested anyway.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
To feel things out (metaphorically), I'll often say something that's totally off-the-wall. For example, if you look at their pictures and you see them wearing a nice dress, then you can tell them that you have a dress just like that and you enjoy wearing it to parties. One woman was wearing a Yankee's baseball cap so I asked her what the hell she was doing with my hat (I told her I'd lost the hat a couple of weeks ago).
That approach seems to separate the wheat from the chaff (to an extent). Some of the women don't "get it" and that filters them out; the others will write back and often a lengthy volley will ensue.
Let me apologize if we've already had this convo in previous threads. I tend to forget who ice said what I'm about to say you to in the past. But, here it is, do you think you might be rushing the shore dating thing? You've not even been divorced a month yet. I think things have not gone too well for you in the early goings here because you are rushing it. You've already posted and deleted profiles. What's the rush? Most everyone says to take at least six months if not a year to just work in you. Do you think you are really emotionally ready for a new R?
You are not alone as I've seen this happen with several others here as well. Getting a D takes such a toll on a person. It brings up so much amd so much hurt. The way to soften the hurt is not a new R. Sadly it's the only thing that some people know. They feel naked not having somene.
I just wanted to raise this. As anaside, I wonder if thus us in part why OLD does not work for many here. Are many OLD'rs themselves brand newly single as well. That's a topic I may explore on my own thread.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
For example, if you look at their pictures and you see them wearing a nice dress, then you can tell them that you have a dress just like that and you enjoy wearing it to parties.
I guess to be able to pull this one off, I’ll need to delete the pic of me in a dress, otherwise they’ll know it’s not the same one they have.
Originally Posted By: DonH
Most everyone says to take at least six months if not a year to just work in you. Do you think you are really emotionally ready for a new R?
I have been working on me for over a year, never even considered dating during that time period and knew I wasn’t in a place to do so.
Originally Posted By: DonH
You are not alone as I've seen this happen with several others here as well. Getting a D takes such a toll on a person. It brings up so much amd so much hurt. The way to soften the hurt is not a new R. Sadly it's the only thing that some people know. They feel naked not having someone.
I get what you are saying, and I wasn't ready to date for a long time.. But I haven't talked to my ex since we separated in October of 2016, and hardly talked since I decided to separate in July 2016. Leading up to the D I was hurt because I had always held out hope that she would at least reach out before we D and she never did, then about 2 weeks before the D I found out she had a boyfriend, so I knew I wouldn't hear from her before the D. I wasn’t hoping for reconciliation, just closure.
Since the D, I haven't really thought of her, I definitely haven't dwelled on the past, and I feel a burden lifted. I no longer think about possibilities of saving my M, I don’t miss the life I used to have (except being closer to my son). I really am not hurting, at all.
As for feeling naked not having someone, that’s not me, I’m actually more comfortable being alone than with someone. I’ve never needed someone in my life, to the point that I often wonder how they will fit in my life, wondering what I’m willing to share, give up or take on. But I do miss having dinners out, conversation, someone to go places with (I go alone, but not as much fun). I don’t need someone to complete me, I am just looking for someone to spend time with.
In addition to OLD, I’m also joining another fishing club that is local instead of statewide like the one I’m currently in, and I’m going to start attending a board game meetup. I’m not sure about the meetup because I’m not really that much into games, but it’s a big group and held at someone’s house twice a month and by the pics looks like a fun time. I’m still looking for more activities to get into locally, but meetup doesn’t have anything else I’m interested in (I’m in a somewhat small town).
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
So I decided to send this message to the other two (ranch lady and fishing girl):
"I really can't figure out if you want to chat or are just being polite. You keep replying to me, but the short responses don't leave me with much to respond to.
If you're not interested in talking, I won't take it personally, but if you would like to talk, please give me more than just a short comment or response to what I said."
So I rcvd a response from both, I hesitate to provide this type of info, because I don't really feel like I "have much game", so that can be a little Embarassing, but I've learned so much about R's from this board and I feel like I may continue to learn if I continue to post. even doodlers comment about using comedy opened my eyes to not make everything so serious, and I like the idea of filtering out the "takes life too seriously" types.
Fisher girl responded first with "at work", so I waited until evening and replied "damn autocorrect, I meant to say "so you like fishing and camping, do you enjoy kayaking? :-)"". She replied "don't kayak but love the outdoors". So again with the short responses to what I say. I deleted the emails and done trying to chat, which is too bad, because we do have a lot of activities in common.
Rancher Lady replied this morning, "Awww, Jeez, already telling me what to do, lololol!! I honestly don't take anyone all that seriously (or consider them to be a real person) until I've actually met them." I liked and respected that reply, so I wrote back: "Not as much telling you what to do as letting you know what I need to continue chatting. At least I now understand and it makes sense to me, I'm really new to this online thing and assumed (bad move on my part) that the idea was to chat online to see if there is anything in common and if so then meet.
Anyway, I would like to meet you and would prefer something casual at first. I am going out kayaking tomorrow morning, but would like to meet tomorrow early afternoon, like 1 or 2pm, if your available (and up for it)."
One thing I learned on this site is that I'm a "nice guy", it's natural for me to tread lightly and just do what the other person wants to do to make them happy. I'm trying to change that, and tell people what I want, but I do worry that I sometimes explain too much and need to stfu. Hopefully I can stick to what I want while being considerate of others, so feel free to tell me when I'm doing it wrong.
Anyway, I've had my coffee, whatched my favorite Saturday morning show (gold rush). It's a beautiful day out so I'm going to take my dog to a 5 mile (10 round trip) trail along a river in town and see if I can do the full round trip trail for the first time. 3 miles each way is the furthest I've done so far, but I'm thinking I want to go the whole way today.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I did the entire river trail Saturday, it ended up being 5.5 miles each way (there is a 1/2 mile separation between two legs that you have to walk along a road to get to), I also did a couple of short side trails for views of the river and a historic town in a city park along the trail that includes a covered bridge, historic school buildings and such. It really is a very nice trail, I had done the same section of the trail several times but it was nice to see the rest.
I brought my dog with me, and she really slowed down my pace, both from stopping to smell, going potty and people passing wanting to pet her (she's 10yrs old but looks like a puppy and is the softest dog I've ever petted). Having so many people stop and chat, many of which were woman, was nice because it almost turned it into a social event, which was definitely a unexpected bonus.
I even almost took up jogging cause there were a few that I would of liked to keep in sight longer But I have medical inserts in my ankles that I had put in when I was young, to fix my flat feet, and it makes jogging very difficult (limited flexion in my ankle) and causes a lot of pain in my ankles afterwards (similar to the pain of spraining your ankle). In fact just walking so much further than usual caused a lot of pain walking after about the 8.5 mile mark, and weight bearing the next day was extremely painful, so I spent Sunday on the couch I've never had a problem with my 6 mile hikes, so I think I may try doing 8 miles frequently and see if I can strengthen my ankles.
I'm pretty fed up with OLD... I know, it's only been two weeks and I should be more patient, but I really find peoples lack of communication skills frustrating. I no longer respond to people who just reach out and say "Hi", I just delete those. Then, when I reach out I read their profiles, and I try and let them know what I found interesting about them, whether it be shared interests, or funny, or "real", and then they often reply with just short comments about what I said, adding nothing to the "conversation", or just say something like thanks for reaching out. Honestly, the quick conversations I had on the hiking trail were so much more enjoyable than the conversations I've had with people online over several days.
I also find myself checking the site more often than I should, almost like an addiction, so it's a bit of a let down when everyone I try talking to disappoints me. I realize that I have expectations about how it should be, and I'm having a hard time just going with the flow, so I think I may be best off just getting away from that and stay focused on living my life and talking to people while out and about.
If your tired of reading about my frustrations with OLD, have no fear, that will be my last post about it. I just like using this site as a journal, and writing it all out helps me think things through.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Puhhhhlease, this section over here has a large portion dedicated to the frustrations of OLD. Just know you are not alone. I have the same exact problems as you do. I erase anyone who just says "hi". I will alswyas respond to someone who actually took the time out to read my profile. Rarely does anyone even read a profile, they go based on pictures. They would see the part where it says "Does not want children" but send a message when their profile says "wants children". As for the text buddy crap? I don't need that either. And the fade out with a few word responses? Don't need that BS either!
It's like the only way I have to meet anyone, but it does not work for me. So, I am still waiting for Mr. right to bump into me at the grocery store (let's face it, it is more likely to happen at the liquor store for me) and ask me out. So, basically, I will be single forever, haha.
I was getting into hiking before I hurt myself. I live in Northern NJ, where it isn't all that scenic, but we do have some trails and if you go over the border to Upstate NY, there are also some nice ones. I think I will be ready to tackle some small trails this summer with my brace. I have always wanted to do kayaking and paddle boarding and will most likely give that a shot this summer too.
This may be super bad advice. But as an old-fashioned woman, if you see a woman out you are attracted to and by all appearances seems to be single, ask her out. Some might think you are a creep, because no one actually does that anymore, because, you know, Tinder is so much less creepy (?!?. But, there might be a woman out there who is charmed by the old fashioned way of asking someone out and who knows????
As Ginger said, many here have discussed OLD and how, other than Maybell perhaps, we have had zero success with it. At least you were getting responses! Not the type you were hoping for but at least you got a response. I tried several runs OLD. The earlier tries 7 or 8 years ago, I at least met some women in person and went out on dates. By my last attempt several years ago, I never even had a single meet! That was enough to pull the plug. And you've tried for weeks?mtry 6 months sometime.
Funny you mention the grocery store Ginger. I had an interesting encounter yesterday... Saw this well dressed, pretty lady right after I got there. Didn't really pay much attention after that until I nearly ran into her coming off an isle. We both smiled and apologized and moved on. At check out it was busy until a new line opened up so she went and I followed. She didn't have all that much and used the front half while I used the back. Only problem is the check out kid kept running my stuff to the very edge. I then apologized again saying I was not trying to push her out of the way, half blaming the chech out kid. She responded joking that first I run her over now I push her out of line. I said sorry, it's the best game I have to flirt with her but I'm working on it. She laughed. Check out kid looked visibly uncomfortable. He then punched in her phone number for coupons from memory without even asking her. Turns out check out kid was HER SON! No I did not ask her out .
It is more action than I got OLD however. I do have a theory on this that I'll try to explore on my thread later today.
Feel free to continue telling us about OLD or just dating in general Coconut. It's not a problem.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
I have always wanted to do kayaking and paddle boarding and will most likely give that a shot this summer too.
Kayaking is by far my favorite past time, sometimes I go out and paddle my azz off to get some exercise, other times when I'm out in the lake by myself in the evening, I just lay back and enjoy the sunset and wildlife that's around. Once while doing that, I had a beaver sneak up on me and slap his tail right next to my kayak, I almost had a heart attack, but once I knew he was there, enjoyed watching him swim around me trying to scare me off.
Anyway, if you try it, I would recommend try it on a small lake or VERY slow moving river (not in the ocean), so you have a chance to work on your balance without having to counter balance for waves or other boat wake. Of course, some kayaks are so big now, balancing is not a requirement.
Originally Posted By: Ginger1
This may be super bad advice. But as an old-fashioned woman, if you see a woman out you are attracted to and by all appearances seems to be single, ask her out.
This is definitely going outside my comfort zone. I have been pushing myself to try and strike up conversation with people when out and about (male or female), and I've been pretty successful at that, but I wasn't interested in dating so never went so far as to try and ask anyone out on a date or for phone number. In the future, if I come across someone that interests me and they appear single, I will see if I can put myself out there and ask..
It's never fun getting shot down, but I've had good success with going outside my comfort zone in the past (many years ago), and of course if they act like I was creepy I could always apologize and tell them Ginger made me do it . Of course i'll let you know if I crash and burn.
Originally Posted By: DonH
As Ginger said, many here have discussed OLD and how, other than Maybell perhaps, we have had zero success with it. At least you were getting responses! Not the type you were hoping for but at least you got a response.
I agree DonH, it is nice to get some activity, but it’s kinda frustrating to meet the “wrong person” so many times so fast. Although I admittedly contacted some based solely on looks, I’m trying to get past my “type” and have reached out to some ladies that I don’t immediately find attractive based on their pictures, but I’m willing to see if I can find an attraction because of their personality. I think those are the ones that disappoint me most, because they write great profiles, but their conversations don’t convey the same type of personality.
Originally Posted By: DonH
I said sorry, it's the best game I have to flirt with her but I'm working on it. She laughed. Check out kid looked visibly uncomfortable. He then punched in her phone number for coupons from memory without even asking her. Turns out check out kid was HER SON! No I did not ask her out
That is a great story, and if you had asked her out, and you two hit it off, it would be a great story when someone asked how’d you meet… Of course the kid may have been traumatized to be present when his mom was getting asked out, lol.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I think I benefitted lots from going out on a few dates.
I really surprised myself by seeing how quickly I could work people out...what they were all about, where we got on and where we didn't get on. I wasn't expecting to, but I guess being almost 20 years older than list time I was single, and having run my own business for many years, I must have become quite sharp.
I absolutely didn't go out on dates with this intention, but one of the very unexpected benefits was to see myself through someone else's eyes. And what I saw I liked. I think I had been concentrating hard on doing interior work, by myself, and on my own, with the only exterior feedback (if you like) being through my luckily very sociable zero hours job, it really didn't occur to me to go out on dates...that I could or would even want to.
Anyway, one thing I discovered was that it takes time and energy going on dates. I think I probably had a lot of energy (I was still on the adrenaline rush of trying to get as far away as fast as I could from XH).
The ones I enjoyed the most was where I was quite zen about it all and just let the other person come to me, without any expectations.
Earlier in the week I added a postscript to my online profile because it's something that is attractive to me. I really didn't think I would hear anything about it from anyone, but it was worth a shot.
Then, I finally had someone contact me with more than a few words, and we have an actual intelligent and entertaining conversation going on. When she initially reached out to me, she said that my profile was nice, but I had her when she read my postscript.
ok, your probably wanting to know what the P.S. was, it says:
P.S. - If you are familiar with Emotional Bids or the 5 Love Languages that is a definite bonus.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
So a little update and don't chop my head off, I understand what I'm doing/chancing, my eyes are open.
So the day after I started talking to Ms. Love Languages (I think the same day I wrote my last post), I was on facebook and I got a post from a local group that I belong to. It was a post asking for recommended restaurants in the area, so I was browsing through the comments, looking at all these great restaurants in my area that I didn't know existed, thinking that I really need to meet some people locally to go out with so I can visit some of them (not a big fan of sit down dinner alone).
I came upon a comment saying something to the effect of, "new in town, hard to make friends to visit these places with, anyone interested". I was like, oh damn, that was bold, and I commented back that I understand, I was pretty new to town and it is difficult to meet people to hang out with. She then PM'd me on FB and we started talking, lets just refer to her as Witty.
Conversation has been great, like really great, lots of shared experiences (both lived in South Florida, both do a lot of fishing, outdoor activities, etc.). In general we just have a lot in common and relate to each other very well. Little flirting here and there, nothing blatant, just occasional innuendos.
Anyway, I was so into talking to her, that I started to be short on my responses to Ms. LL, so I eventually sent her an email letting her know that I thought she was awesome, but there's someone else that I'm talking to and I wasn't giving enough time/thought into my conversation with her so I was going to stop writing. She thanked me for being upfront.
Now here's the kicker, witty has only been separated for 4 months, and her breakup was due to H having multiple A's. Witty told me about the 4mos S the first or second day, just learned the why yesterday. She also told me the first day that she was not looking for a R at all, just wanted to make friends to hang out. Obviously her situation being what it is, I do not want a R with her (at least not now, not for a long time), but I am attracted to her.
Now, having great conversation with someone that I am attracted to (haven't met, but seen pics on FB) tends to stir up some feelings... Feelings that have been dormant since, well, a long time. When you don't want to date, aren't open to new R, you don't nurture those feelings, so no big deal. But now, geez, i'll just say it, I need to get laid.
So my thought is that getting to go hang out with her will be a great way for me to get out and meet people around town, but my attraction for her is going to make that quite awkward. As I'm sure it will be for her, because I know she is also attracted to me, but has reiterated that she is NOT looking for anything other than friends. She even said it would bother her to see me meet someone, but she knows we are in two different places and doesn't want me to hold back. But of course saying it and how it would actually feel are two totally different things.
To bad I don't live in Nevada, lol.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
haha, Surviving the Big D, flirting, Innuendos and Hook-ups.. now that's living. Best OLD site around
Anyway, I agree I have choices and I will just have to decide how I want to move forward for me. My biggest concern is not knowing if I'm helping her or hurting her in the long run.. She's still pretty new into the separation, and she's still married, so there is that.
Anyway, found out that she found out about the first A little over 12 yrs ago, right before her twins were born, and knows of 6 A total, but is pretty sure there were more. She's been a SAHM for 15 yrs, has 3 kids living with her (1 from previous R), and it was tough for her to leave and go out on her own. So she's fighting to "get away", luckily she is getting help from the grandparents of her older child, which is the only way she's been able to start this journey.
So thoughts on if her being attracted to me, flirting with me, is beneficial or hurtful to her. I have NO intention of making a R out of this (or physical), for at least a year or until D, so I will continue to keep my eyes open for a R with others.
For her, I know that in the here and now it makes you feel good (I was in a similar sitch early in my separation), but I stopped it because she was M and I knew it was inappropriate for us to feel that way about each other.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Oh, but I will be in your area n March Doodler, watch out.
Um, when are you coming to my area because ditto X like double digit months. Although I've been wanting to visit New York City again for a while now...
Is this divorcebusting or FWBF? (Friends with benefits finder) might be a good spin off site.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
I have done the DB guy thing more than once and it did not work out well for me. So, I made a promise no more, sorry boys, I know you must be really disappointed. (note sarcasm)
However, I do many DB couples it has worked out wonderfully for. Married, engaged, dating, living together. It is the best thing you can take out of such a bad situation.
I keep looking over my shoulder at work, so I am coming up with a lot of typos. "I KNOW many DB couples it has worked for" I don't do them...... oh boy.....
It's one thing when my sincere advances get shot down over OLD. Now even my goofing around, not at all serious, sarcasm is even getting rejected. Clearly anything OL does not work. .
Ginger are you saying people have met here and went onto an R? I guess I've missed that too. I was just joking around, or trying too. Guess it's not a joke if you have to explain it.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
HAHA, Don, I know you were goofing around. I was too!
It just brought me to something in reality. Yes, people have gone on from here, married, had R's had children together even. I, not being one of the happy endings, but yup, I am lucky to know some of these couples personally.
Don, I think Ginger was a bit overwhelmed by the three proposed hook-ups in like a 5 minute period... that can be a little overwhelming, so she shot all of us down in one fell swoop so she could get her bearings..
But doodler did reach out very aggressively to you, so maybe there is hope for OLD after all.. lol
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Don, I think Ginger was a bit overwhelmed by the three proposed hook-ups in like a 5 minute period... that can be a little overwhelming, so she shot all of us down in one fell swoop so she could get her bearings..
But doodler did reach out very aggressively to you, so maybe there is hope for OLD after all.. lol
Since I have been on one date since last May in which we did NOT hook up, ^^^^^^^ this was very overwhelming and surreal. Feast or famine, they say.
I always thought there was stuff like signals and flirting IRL.
Is there anyway to get lessons on it?
What I want to know is how waywards get OP galore, dates, OLD and knicker drops, when some awesome LBS get zilch or next to zilch.
I rejoice when I hear about great couples getting together. It fills my heart with joy to know it happens.
Ginger is gorgeous, sexy, lively, an absolute stunning fabulous lady. And here lies the rub, those who are fabulous catches in every way deserve the very best. And that's a rare commodity.
So my lovely lads, trio all, I am as sure as I can be that a fabulous partner is waiting for each of you. And you know that you will only need one (each), so don't be greedy,.....
You are fishing for .000001% of the pool. That means kissing a lot of frogs and avoiding the Toads.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
The next time I meet a woman that doesn't resemble her pictures, She's buying me drinks until she does...
Ok, so a little update on this ongoing saga I call life. Witty and I had been communicating and I knew that I was building, actually we were building, a fantasy person in our minds because we communicated so well, both playing of each others sarcasm and wit; so I told her we need to meet IRL, I didn't want to create a fantasy person that could never be lived up to. So we met Friday night, like I said I had seen pics of her on facebook, we aren't friends on FB so I could only see a few profile pics, plus a few pics that she text me, and she looked very attractive in them all.
We had decided to meet at a park near her house that is between a lake and main street, it has a gazebo and would allow us a quite place to chat. I got there first and there was no one else at the park, so I waited for her. When she got there, I didn't recognize her at all, if it wasn't for the fact that there was no one else utilizing the park, I wouldn't of even considered that it was her.
I understand wanting to use pics of you that are the most flattering, but I had no idea the "changes" that snapchat pics made other than adding flowers, halo's, etc. I'm not trying to be mean, but I just feel like if your going to share pics with someone you've never met, they should at least resemble you a little.
I had reiterated to her before we met that I also did not want anything more than friends with her, that I did not want to be involved with someone who is married. I was however hoping that when we met I would have some physical attraction to her because it makes hanging out a little more fun.
So we talked for awhile, it was not fluid at all, for me it was very awkward because I had a hard time getting past how different she looked from her pics and what I had imagined in my head. During our talk, she opened up about her life, I mean poor woman has had a tough life, child hood abuse, phy. abuse by her first husband, cheated on by her recent ex, a child with some psychological issues, etc. I pretty much clamed up, I was uncomfortable and ended up leaving after about an hour.
So after I left, I was struggling. I think as a good guy, I naturally want to rescue, and while I can recognize that and choose not to go down that path, I had a difficult time figuring out how to handle everything because I didn't / don't want to be mean either. I'm still struggling on how I will move forward, to be honest I feel a little deceived; so since Friday our communication has been limited to a few texts here and there.
I didn't do much Saturday due to it being really cold and a little rainy (and I was a little down about my meet Fri. night), so I did some stuff around the house to start getting ready to move in April (my lease ends April 30), and did a lot of binge watching Netflix.
Sunday was again cold and rainy, and started out much like Saturday was, but I didn't want to waste an entire weekend so I went onto Meetup to see if there were any super bowl get togethers. Turns out that a group I've been trying to meet up with (board and card game playing) was getting together to play some games and watch the football game. So I RSVP'd, went to the store for supplies and made some meatballs to bring with me.
When I drove up to the house it was at, I was pretty anxious, but I didn't allow myself to chicken out and went in. There were about 20 people there who all obviously knew each other well, and I am not going to lie, I was pretty freaking anxious. I just tried to settle down as best as I could, they were all friendly and I started to feel comfortable pretty quickly.
A few of us soon started playing a couple of games, they were helping me learn the games (which I picked up pretty quick)and then we just started playing. Laughing, joking, debating, it was just awesome... For the first time in a year, I was having fun adult interaction in my new hometown.
It didn't take long to realize that this is what I'm missing in my life, not a relationship.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Wow, this is truly fabulous!! Good going!! Sounds like a great path to carry on going along
And about your meet up with Witty, from the outside, for someone to tell you all that stuff about themselves straight away...well, I think that would set alarm bells ringing for me.
The guy I date for a bit in 2016 (the one that was the heavy drinker), the first time I met him, he told me pretty much straight away about his wife having died a number of years previously. He was actually wearing his wedding ring on the third finger of the right hand, and said to me something along the lines of 'I guess you're wondering about this', pointing to the ring.
To be honest, I had noticed, but I would never in a million years have asked about it. And not the second or third time we had met either.
Anyway since he had brought it up I asked if she'd been ill, and he said 'sort of'. I understood straight away that it meant that she'd died by suicide after some sort of mental illness.
At the time, I took it all to mean that here was someone who was OK with talking about difficult things/experiences/feelings in life. Especially seeing as my XH had stonewalled me for years and never really talked about his feelings.
Now I think it felt like there was an element of manipulation on his part: a big, tall, strapping man the poor victim of circumstance.
Yes, he was in a way the victim of circumstance. But he didn't have to tell me all of that stuff the first time we met, after not that long either.
I think I'm much more comfortable when someone reveals themselves slowly now. I don't need to know everything straight away. And I can read between the lines...get to our age, and obviously someone has lived a bit of life, ya know?
C'Nut, I've never been good at rejecting and ending things (a common NGS trait). But maybe just tell Witty you don't think y'all are a good match. If she accepts that, then good. If she pushes for more, be honest and explain that you felt deceived by her pictures. Trying to justify it as "I'm not interested in a R with someone who is M'd" is dishonest, because despite saying that, I think the both of you wanted a little more.
Originally Posted By: Coconut
A few of us soon started playing a couple of games, they were helping me learn the games (which I picked up pretty quick)and then we just started playing. Laughing, joking, debating, it was just awesome... For the first time in a year, I was having fun adult interaction in my new hometown.
It didn't take long to realize that this is what I'm missing in my life, not a relationship.
Two big thumbs up!
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
I'm going to just drop the whole getting rejected "just in case I/you might have been serious" thing. Yes, this is sarcasm. However I still don't think we are on the same page about the people from here dating or getting married piece. Hopefully this clears it up. Ginger, when you said last week, and now again reiterated, that people here have gotten married, had kids, etc. you don't mean they met here - right? See I thought that's what you meant last week - like people like you and doodler have met each other here, gotten together and later married and had kids. You just meant someone like doodler met someone who has never been on these boards and gotten married. Do I have that correct now? If not, who from DB met someone else from DB and had any kind of LTR? Ive never heard of that and I've been here since 2005! Gawd that sounds pathetic - though I did take a break for 6 or 7 years in that span.
Coconut, I was about to try to help you gain some clarity but at the end it looks like you did just that all on your own! I think what happened with you is great insight, not only for you but many of us. Where to start...
- You singed up for OLD, got introduced to someone, quickly backed down and deleted your profile.
- You created a new profile and again started talking with someone but never met.
- You then gave up talking to her because you really were interested in this new girl and didn't want to chat with two women once - for some reason.
- You were really into this new girl but still only wanted a friend. At the same time, You only want a friend but you want a hot friend that you can be sexually attracted to.
Unless I got some details wrong here, do you see the craziness? And it really just comes down to the fact that you're not ready to date.
BUT THEN... You figured that out all on your own. It's called GAL. That's really what you've wanted and guess what, a GF may happen because of it. And I have to give you huge props for this as I'd really have a hard time doing what you did Sunday. I really would, even though I know it's what I need. I've had so many friends over the years but things change, my D, no longer a firefighter/paramedic - which odd as it may sound was a huge social circle. No longer working full time. I need more friends, I know this. I could walk in that house. I could do that, but meeting amd interacting is a crapshoot. If I'd really hit it off with some, great but honestly that's a 20% chance at best for me.
But this is not about me and belongs on my own thread.
Before you do any more OLD I really think you need to decide what you want. Maybe you have and GAL is it. The fact that you wanted physical attraction with someone you don't want an R with tells me you want an R but are afraid of it - or are just not ready. You want the fantasy or perhaps the feelings of attraction but not have to act on it. You want to feel like you are on a date but not have the pressure of being on a date. That's why you told her again before meeting that you just wanted a friend. It was your safe zone.
How am I doing on all this? Am I warm or full of shlt? Huge props for your meet up outing. And one more thing, these apps these days can be pretty amazing in making someone look pretty amazing. Skills I had to hone in Photoshop and spending hours "airbrushing" photos are now often a filter click away. Not sure if that's cheating in the same sense as putting up 15 year old photos but just know it happens. Never, ever make any decisions (or stop chatting with someone else) until you at least meet in person. Who knows, that other lady may have been a great match.
What I really wonder is how many others doing OLD are just like coconut and nit yet sure of what they want? There is absolutely nothing wrong with being where he us, but it dies make it harder to OLD.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Hmm, DonH, you nailed it, I wanted it without being pressured into it. I won't say I'm not ready to date, but I am realizing I'm not ready to put myself out there to really find it.
As for socializing and interacting, it comes pretty easy, I have a pretty low self esteem, but I can not deny that people are drawn to me. I am not extroverted, but in many scenarios, I find myself being the alpha male in the room.
If I really had to break it down, my mom raised me to be "extra respectful" of women (due to her difficult childhood with her brothers), and I think it has minimized the amount of alpha I'm willing to project to woman...
But no matter, your post absolutely nailed it.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
First, I want to say, thank you V. Nobody has said such sweet things to me in a really long time. And I believe you have many of those fabulous qualities likewise.
Coconut, it makes no sense to me why someone would use all these filters and put their best pictures forward when they don't look like that IRL. I would be so hurt if someone was let down by how I REALLY looked. So I make a note to put real pictures on my dating profile. One with straight hair, one with curly, full body, make up and no make up. Also one with me enjoying real life stuff, like me waiting a turkey leg and kissing a stuffed bacon while drinking beer. A guy I am talking to now said the picture of me without the makeup (he didn't even realize it) was my best picture.
I have wanted to join up a meet-up froup for board games, because I love them and I thought it would be a good way to meet new people. It is very brave to walk into a room of 20 people you don't know. And see, you had a great time and realized what you REALLY needed.
With your personality traits, which seem similar to mine ( except I am not an alpha male) you will probably do great meeting people organically, in a setting like you were in. I have my best success in those settings and I always felt more confident because I was simply being myself, and someone was attracted to that. My last BF I met at a group fitness gym where we had class together 5 nights a week.
I think dating might find you, keep your eyes open.
My history of dating is that I go all in too fast, something that I will be trying to temper in any future relationships, and wanted to post something I read while going through an old thread so I can refer back to it in the future.
I'm not going to quote it so it will be complete, it was written by tl2:
Some thoughts on post-D dating:
So I've been dating a very nice person for 7 months now. We occasionally get together with her friends and mine who are either divorced or never married. Interestingly, we seem to listen to them complain a good bit of the time about their dating pitfalls.
Having had several of these conversations now with various people in the 40s, I've made a few observations:
-- everyone who invested too much before really getting to know someone ended up with a difficult breakup
-- everyone who didn't maintain discipline regarding their personal space and balancing dating with the rest of their lives ended up in a difficult situation they're trying to resolve now, or in a difficult breakup.
-- people who dating clearly incompatible people got burned; a friend of mine who is not religious at all and who was married/divorced in his early 20s (he's 49 now) without kids dated a woman 14 years younger for two years who was very religious and wanted kids.
-- people dating where either or both had wildly inflated expectations early on ended up sorely disappointed; the 2 I talked to the most both communicated the same old magical, fairy tale thinking that I don't think ever works. I've even heard from people who had been through painful divorces and marital counseling that was fairly consistent with db principles.
Since my gf and I always seem happy and have fun with no drama, etc., I was asked "how I knew she was the 'right' woman for me". Haha. My responses:
-- I don't know that at all. That's not even a question I care about answering. My goal is to hang out and have fun with someone nice who I enjoy being with. End of story.
-- It makes no sense to start talking about a future with each other until you really start getting to know each other. I don't care what anyone says, that takes a good amount of time. Not something you can know about someone else in 3 months. So why worry about it? If one or both are looking to lock the other down quickly, that's probably a bad sign. Of neediness, control issues, or more.
-- Things move 'fast' because we choose to move fast and that seems to generally be driven by unhealthy thinking (again, IMO). They don't have to. We're grown ups and should act like it. The faster people move, and the earlier they do it, the more that seems to take on a snowball effect, so we develop attachments and a false sense of intimacy too damn soon...then after 6 months or so start getting a sense of what it's like to really be with this other person and how they make decisions.
What has been working for me (and, again, everyone's different and everyone's mileage may vary):
- GF and I see each other almost every weekend for a day or two. While we occasionally have a date during the week, or on a special occasion, we largely keep the work week for work and kids and friends.
- We talk a couple times during the week and occasionally text, especially if one of us has a challenge with something with kids or work that we want to talk about (that's usually her). For the most part, we save convos for when we see each other.
- We both agreed that our focus was going to be on hanging out and having fun, and thereby get to know each other. There has been no kind of "if you're not going to pursue a long-term serious relationship then we don't need to date" by either of us. Frankly, if I heard that from someone I hadn't known for a year or so, I'd be showing myself the door.
- We've taken 2 or 3 weekend trips together. Again...fun!
So it's been great. However, nothing's perfect and there have been some challenges:
1. She's been divorced a lot longer than I have and is a bit more ready to 'settle down' again should the right opportunity arise. I've made it very clear that while I'm not opposed to that, I'm also not interested in getting too serious in the short-term. It's not a huge issue at the moment, but she's made it clear that she is leaning toward being 'all-in' even though she respects my line on that.
2. I disagree with how she handles her kids on some things. Mine are grown and out of the house so are not as much of an issue. Sometimes when she's here my kids come over and we hang out a little; same when I am at her place. She has one in college and one in high school, and the differences in how we approach dealing with kids' issues highlight our differences in personality and decision-making on some things. It's unclear how best to negotiate that with each other...yet another good reason for taking it slow.
3. Both for my work and for myself, I need a lot of quiet, alone time. I enjoy social interaction but don't need it daily like she does. After a day alone with nothing going on, she gets stir crazy and because of my nature, I often need the opposite at the same time. As a result, I've encouraged her to continue spending more time with friends and family for the time being and, naturally, being a bit more emotional than me she sometimes feels slighted. So I reassure her at times and sometimes make an unexpected mid-week date, or agree to one if she asks; other times, she respects my need for more space. Again, whether this ends up being a deal-breaker or not, who knows.
So we talk things out the best we can and the communication is good even though we don't always see eye to eye. We continue to enjoy our time to together and, so far, neither of us is interested in ending that. While we have had some discussions that have been difficult because of our different natures, the dynamic is good with no drama or serious fighting.
Having not dated for so long because I was married (yes, some of us don't date while we're married...shocking I know), it's been interesting. I've worked very hard to not only try and grow past some of the bad habits and unfruitful behaviors I developed during the latter years of my marriage, but to apply some of those new ways of thinking to this new, wacky dating life.
At times I've been tempted by various negative thoughts or unfruitful ones that often cause us to lose focus/balance and seek to solve problems by covering them or soothing ourselves with a relationship: fear of being alone forever; the almost Pavlovian response many of us experience for the gratification you get when someone throws plenty of positive attention at you...especially after years of having little or none; to be dishonest with yourself or with someone else in order to make things simpler, allow the other to believe something incorrect, etc.; and to put pressure on someone else to conform to our expectations, soothe our insecurities, or generally start relying on someone else to make us 'happy'.
I'm not saying I'm doing it right or have all the answers. Just sharing my post-D dating experience and happily reporting that overall it's been positive by continuing to apply the basic principles of individual strength and independence I learned initially from reading the DB literature. Avoiding unhealthy attachments; having a life; balancing dating and such with other priorities and, etc., really do work, and aren't all that difficult to apply.
The difficulties always seem to involve our not being honest with ourselves or willing to identify and change unhealthy behaviors. That requires constant vigilance. But again...who knew life could be so enjoyable after all those bad years!
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
As for me, I text'd with witty a few times on Sunday during the super bowl, her and her son are big Eagles fans, but the texts were strictly limited to the game. I didn't reach out yesterday, nor did she, and I have really been giving a lot of thought to what I want and how I feel.
She sent me a text this morning saying she guesses I don't want to talk to her anymore, that it was fine, and she hopes that I either found or find whatever it is that I'm looking for, and ended with Take Care. I replied to her and said that I would not disappear without saying something, but that I've been trying to figure out how I felt/feel, and I'd reach out to her tonight.
I'm still really confused, and I think that a big part of that confusion might be my fear of hurting her. On one hand, I would like to have a friend in town that I could go out with and have adult interaction, but on the other hand I had built her up in my mind so much that I don't look forward to hanging out with the real her, I felt very uncomfortable the whole time we were hanging out that night and I don't know if that uncomfortableness will go away. I don't want to hang out if I'm not comfortable and enjoying myself, but I also don't want to be selfish and hurt her by ending it.... grrr
gods honest truth, I feel like an azz for letting things go like they did, but just got caught up in the rush of it all (hence my previous post)..
Holding is right, we both said we wouldn't date, but I think we both were hoping for mutual attraction, maybe some sexual tension.
btw DonH, you can add another closed OLD account to your list, lol.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
C'Nut, that's some great insight there from TL2. Thanks for sharing.
With Witty, it's not your job to let her down easy without any bruises. I'm not saying be a jerk. Just tell her it's best to not continue. Trust your gut. This was a one-time meet up; you're not breaking her heart. If you want a buddy in town, try to make a new guy friend.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Ok, I've decided to cut it off with witty. Primarily because I want to "fix" her issues, and I need to focus on my own..
Holding, I know you say that I won't break her heart, but I know that I did, it's brought me to tears knowing that, but I need to shelter down and regroup. I get that it's takes practice to get things right, but I need to figure out how to practice without leaving a trail of destruction in my wake.
Ginger, I agree that meeting people naturally, through socializing is more my style. So for now, for awhile, I'm going to focus on GAL social activities.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Not sure that I know who TL2 is or have read his threads here but I very much agree with what he wrote. Problem is the majority of women I meet either don't or more likely, can't bring themselves to follow those rules. So many want the fairytale or won't date anyone who is not looking for LT calling them serial daters. On the other hand those who may follow these rules have gone overboard and won't date AT ALL. I can think of 4 women in the past several years that politely declined to go out with me but have not dated anyone else either. I'd love to find someone like TL2 has! I'd like to see a unicorn too. .
I'll add your second OLD closure to my list. I finally posted on my thread today. Unfortunately it's still not my thoughts on OLD that I've been promising.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Holding, I know you say that I won't break her heart, but I know that I did, it's brought me to tears knowing that, but I need to shelter down and regroup. I get that it's takes practice to get things right, but I need to figure out how to practice without leaving a trail of destruction in my wake.
How could you have broken her heart? Maybe you let her down, but this was your first meeting. She's a ball of trouble if she really did get so wrapped up in you before actually meeting, and after y'all both agreed - on the surface - to just be friends.
Don't take that the wrong way. I'm not saying you're not awesome, or worthy of deep feelings from someone.
Was this R with Witty more developed that you let on? I'm just struggling to see how meeting her once and not feeling it can lead to a "trail of destruction".
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
[quote=Holding]How could you have broken her heart? Maybe you let her down, but this was your first meeting. She's a ball of trouble if she really did get so wrapped up in you before actually meeting, and after y'all both agreed - on the surface - to just be friends.
Was this R with Witty more developed that you let on? /quote]
Ok, broke her heart may have been an exageration, the relationship wasn't more developed than I let on (but we did text/talk a lot) and she is a ball of trouble.
I think she saw me as her knight in shining armor, she saw an opportunity to get her and her kids involved with fishing, camping and hiking with my help, she was very attracted to me, and she is very lonely.
I'm not comfortable with doing something that I know is going to hurt someone else, so I overreacted in my post. But I agree that talking with someone for two weeks shouldn't be cause for much pain if they exit your life, so I can't take responsibility if it did.
Anyway, moving on.. The game group is getting together again Saturday night at the other house they play at, apparently this get together usually draws about twice as many people so should be a good time.
I also found a singles group on meetup that is getting together at a restaurant/bar Saturday afternoon, they are meeting to plan outings for the next few months, so I signed up to go to that. I'm hoping to get a few activities in the itinerary, like escape rooms, zip-lining, etc, so every meet isn't at a restaurant or bar.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
So about a month ago I applied for a job in east TN, it will bring me back to the salary I was making when I transferred to NC, I had to take a pay cut (only a couple of thousand) to transfer here, but I'm maxed out in pay for my current position, which will effect future earnings. the position I applied for is at the base of the smokies, very close to the NC border.
At the same time I've been struggling with what to do when my lease expires at the end of April, and while I'm in the part of the country I've wanted to be in for the last 20 years, I'm not in the city I want to be in. My goal is to get closer to the mountains, I'm currently about 3 hrs away, and I want to be in the mountains or at least the foothills.
So today I decided that I was going to buy a house, home ownership is incredibly cheap here in NC, and my total cost of owning a 3bd 2 bath, 10yr old house would be $300 less than I'm currently renting my 2bd, 2 1/2 bath townhouse for. So I contacted some mortgage brokers today to get some quotes.
I got the quotes back, set up an apt. so I could get prequalified, and set up apts to see a few houses I'm interested in this weekend. The rental market is very strong here, so I plan on living in the house until I find work elsewhere and then I'll rent out the house. I'm happy with my decision, will have a nice house and can afford to carry the mortgage even if it's not rented when I move, life is good.
Then right before I leave work get an email letting me know that my application for the position I applied for has been forwarded for consideration, and I'll be getting contacted for an interview.
Based on usual timelines in my field, the interview and selection process takes about 2 months, which means that I could essentially be closing on a house about the same time I'm moving out of state. Grrr, when it rains it pours. All good stuff, but if I know I'm moving right away, I'd rather buy property in my new location, but I don't have the luxury of waiting to find out about the position because of the lease ending.
Life is fun
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I’m so late to your thread but coconut is my fave! It’s my favorite scent and favorite yogurt so I just had to read your thread. I don’t have much to offer in regards to OLD (only did it for a few weeks and I had a strategy at that time) but do think dating is challenging at this juncture of life. Yeah, I’m sure it’s difficult for 22 year olds but realistically, we all have baggage(emotional, mental and or physical) at this point. I suppose it’s all in how we handle it. My humor is very self deprecating so I refer to myself as a declining commodity with a full set of luggage :-) It sounds like you have lots of interests which will help you meet people IRL and dogs are conversation started. Not sure what kind you have, but it’s always a nice way to meet peeps.
Congratulations on seeking out a new position and deciding where you want to live. Yes, it may be chaotic for a bit, however I think change propels us in the right direction, whether we realize it or not.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I’m so late to your thread but coconut is my fave!
You lost me at fave, lol...
Ps- coconut ice cream or yogurt is the best.. I used to have coconut trees in my back yard, when we would have parties, I used to go collect them all, chop the top with my hatchet, poor some rum in and throw them in the freezer.. Good times, but a past life.
DonH, I read your post, and I got to admit that I was discouraged about you giving up on finding love, but then you bust out with FWB.. Now I'm just jealous, that would be a perfect scenario for me for the right now..
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Had a great weekend, went out Friday to look at a couple of houses, unfortunately didn't see anything that I really liked, but was good to get an idea of different types of houses available within 50k of the amount I want to spend. T
Then Saturday I had signed up for two meet ups, the first was a 2pm meet up for a singles group in my area, we met up at a local sports bar with the intention of getting to know each other and planning some future outings. There were about 15 of us, only 3 males and I definitely got the most attention. I didn't go into this with any expectation of meeting someone, I went with the intention of meeting people that could socialize with, but of course it didn't bother me getting so much attention, especially two ladies that I was very attracted to. We came up with some great outings were going to do (planning on one ge together a week) like visit a vineyard, comedy club, open mic night, local hockey game, fun stuff. We are also going to go to a valentine social that they were advertising at the sports bar.
Left that meet up around 4:30, ran home to take my dog on a short hike (I always feel guilty leaving her home alone) and then went to another game night meetup at 6.
Had a good time at the game night, this was a much bigger get together than last week and even though groups kinda switched around after each game I never ended up in a game with the people I had met last week (including one Lady that I enjoyed talking to last week and was hoping to interact with again)..
I definitely enjoyed playing with the same people all night last week because it felt more sociable to me, but I did have fun playing the games with everyone. I've never been a gamer, at least the kinds of games we play at these nights, so I'm not used to what appears to be the normal social interaction that most of these "gamers" seem to have in common. In otherwords conversations were almost superficial, revolving primarily around the game or gameplay. The conversations the previous week were not as superficial, and I guess it's just a by-product of being around "gamers" that are used to just picking up games with random people all night. Don't get me wrong, I really had a lot of fun, I'm just used to getting to know people im hanging out with a little more than they are, but I do enjoy it for what it is. I ended up not leaving game night until about 1:30am, it was a long day of socializing..
Then today I expanded my search area for houses a little and saw a house that looked good, my realtor told me she wouldn't be available today, so I went over to the house just to check out the outside of the house and see what the neighborhood was like. I was amazed at what I saw, the house is in a neighborhood with absolutely beautiful country homes, wrap around porches, every house on large lots, well manicured homes, the place was beautiful.
The house I went to look at was definitely one of the smallest houses in the neighborhood (I don't want a large house since I may have to rent it if I move), but it was very well maintained, and I took two trips around the house and didn't find a single issue. I am experienced with construction and home maintenance, and I couldn't find anything that looked like an issue. When I got home, looked up the neighborhood in Zillow, turns out it is the cheapest house in the best neighborhood, which I always consider to be a good investment. So going to look at it tomorrow with my realtor and will be putting in an offer unless there are any glaring issues in the interior.
Sorry this turned so long, I just feel happy and wanted to share.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Oh, one more thing. On Friday I decided to see if I could find people who live local to go kayaking, fishing, camping and off-roading with (everyone I currently go with live 1 or 2 hrs away), so I created a meetup group and set the first outing to go kayaking next weekend.
So far 15 people have joined the group, 12 are female which really surprised me, but no one has signed up for kayaking next week, so we will see how that goes.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Sounds like you found a potential fit with the house. Good luck! In regards to 12 of 15 being women? Not surprised. Very frequently women join those types of meetups to meet guys-hence the disproportionate numbers. And before anyone chastises me, yes lots of women like to kayak. But it’s a bonus if they meet guys.
Sounds like a good weekend. :-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Just coming out of my lurker mode because of your post. I think if you somehow were able to find out what the ratio of women to men was on meetup for ALL of the groups, it would be mostly women. No idea why, but I joined a lot of meetup groups and seldom see men. With that said, I own a kayak and usually end up kayaking alone, even after joining a meetup event that is for kayakers. Usually other women sign up, but I think they drop out if no men sign up! So, you should be golden!
Have fun next weekend!
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
So this guy is under contract for a house That didn't take long, I put an offer on the first house I looked at, the day after I looked at it and the owner finally signed off today. I believe I am getting a good deal on it, hard to know for sure since there are so few sales since its such a small community, but I would have paid 8k more than I am so it's a good deal for me. So I'm pretty happy about that.
I have the kayak meet that I created coming up on Sunday, one person signed up yesterday (female), but I checked the weather forecast today and the expected temp has dropped and the wind is stronger. I am ok with it, but I am willing to deal with more extreme weather than a lot of others. I'm hoping to get the first meet done, but I will understand if she cancels.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Things are going really well.. I think the best thing I've done was get past my initial determination to start dating someone after my D. Yes, I'm now saying that I wasn't/am not ready for dating, I kept saying I was because I was looking at it as a "not being over ex" point of view, but now realize I wasn't because I wasn't living my own life like I want before I bring someone else into it.
House stuff is going well, I have the last inspection today and then meeting with my Realtor this weekend to review all issues found and decide if I need to either request money off purchase price to pay for repairs, ask them to repair before closing, or just eat the costs myself. So far, roofer and septic inspections have identified about $750 worth of stuff that needs to be done (nothing major), so if home inspection goes well I'd be willing to just eat the costs if they push back(I'm getting a really good price). I've been by the house a few more times and I am still in love with the neighborhood, I've meet the next door neighbor and get along well (always a plus), and I'm excited to close and move in
As for the meet ups, they are keeping me way busier than I would actually like, but I'm having a lot of fun. The singles group is getting to where they are getting together every couple of days. I keep declining the ones that I'm not really interested in (either schedule conflict or just don't want to go) and some of the girls are texting me trying to pressure me into going, but that isn't going so well for them. The group as a whole is a fun group, and there is a core group of us that are really getting along great, but some of them are there to find a R, which isn't where I'm at right now, so while I'm enjoying hanging out and their company, I am getting some pressure and have to keep taking steps back.
As for my outdoors group, three of us went to the 1st meet and had a good time, I mentioned that I was going hiking the next day and they asked if I could make it a meet. I did and 4 of us showed up for that and did a 4 mile hike at a state park (not too difficult but a lot of elevation changes). I've also had 4 other people in the group communicating with me directly letting me know they will start showing up but weren't able this weekend(deployed to the sandbox, had surgery, were on a weekend trip, etc). We are working on picking a location to set up a camping meet in April, and everyone is looking forward to going kayaking once it warms up (I'm the most experienced kayaker in the group and most have never done a river float).
All in all, I'm enjoying building friendships in my town. Once spring gets here, i'll also start doing a lot of trips with my kayak group that's scattered around the state, it will be nice to start hanging out with them again. Life is Good!
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Got a call from my s18 today, he is at regionals for high school wrestling (he is district champion), and let's me know he won his first two matches so he's moved on to semi finals. If he wins two of his next three matches, he will be competing at states I am very proud of my boy.
For those that don't know, weeks before I moved away he was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes (no one in his biological family has it) and about two months later he was diagnosed with celiac disease..
Although he was initially pissed after receiving each diagnosis, he has accepted the challenges presented to him and does his best to do what he's "supposed to do". But the type I does present challenges with physical exertion, blood sugar can drop dramatically after physical exertion, and wrestling is very exerting.
So come to find out his first match tomorrow in semi finals is against a 4 time state champ and 2 time national champ... I couldn't be happier
My son has been in "high level" karate since he was 9yrs old, one thing I've learned through all the years is that win or lose don't matter, matches are about testing your skills that you've learned and worked hard to master. My son will not be affected by blood sugar for his first match tomorrow, and he will be going up against the toughest competitor he has faced in his HS wrestling and he will/should be 100% as far as medical stuff goes.
Talking with him today, he already feels like he's going out with a bang, everything else that happens is a bonus. Dang I miss him
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Well, my son went the full 3 minutes with the national champ (who's first two matches were both over in less than 20 seconds), but he lost to him in points... Unfortunately his blood sugar was affecting him in the second match, which he tied for points and it went into sudden death OT, and he ended up in 4th place in regionals, top 3 go to states. A great season overall, and a heck of a way to end his wrestling "career", he's a bit upset he won't be wrestling in states but I'm happy for what he did accomplish.
As for me, the lady in my gamenight group that I've been wanting to talk to more signed up for my singles group and is going to an escape room outing that I've been on the fence about. I haven't committed to the night out because I have a lot going on with the house purchase but when I saw she joined in for it I decided to go, but too late, it's already full . Dang my luck.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Hey Coconut, thanks for sharing. I was in Tae Kwon Do for years and wrestled one season. While pool is my true calling I do find the wrestling and martial arts at the pinnacle of pure contests. I'm glad your son got to have those experiences.
Very sorry to hear about his diagnosis. That is a tough loss. Did he not know something was wrong before? I'm just surprised that he became district champion, now he's getting gassed in the second round (granted against a national champ!). Did his symptoms start escalating? I don't know much about these conditions. But it must be serious if it's ending his wrestling.
Maybe he could learn pool? No joke. Joe Rogan who commentates MMA was big into martial arts and then he got hurt when he was young, so he switched to pool. He talks about it a lot and there's a video of him running a nine ball rack. Your son might take to the game. It's a one on one battle, and unlike golf or bowling where you stay in your lane, you are directly playing against each other. You shoot from where I put you, and visa versa. There's a lot of 'grappling' in the defensive battles, there's training and refining technique, and in the end it is a test of mental control. I used to say pool is just mental arm wrestling, the game is played in your head, the pool table is just there so the spectators can see who's winning. Anyway, just my two cents.
Sorry you missed the escape room. Those are a blast. I did one with my kids. I finally got to use my ability to solve chess puzzles for a win! Maybe this could be a good chance to tell her you regret missing it and would love to try another puzzle room with her sometime?
Take care!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
He was diagnosed a year ago and had to be hospitalized for over a week because his blood sugar was about 5 times what it should be. He had to miss out on the last few meets of his junior year, but has been able to compete at a high level this year managing his condition pretty well. I think the biggest issue is the length of the championship meets, he was at regionals for about 7 hrs a day for two days, and eating well at a gymnasium for that long is challenging. Simply put, high exertion followed by 4 or 5 hrs of sitting before the next match is challenging to maintain the proper blood sugar.
His wrestling "career" is ending because FL colleges don't really have any wrestling programs worth striving for, and he wants to focus on his academics. He's managed to keep straight As through highschool honors and AP courses, and he's decided on his own to focus on classes without the hours of practice required for wrestling. He was the first junior to ever receive his high schools athlete of the year award (which he's likely to get again as a senior) at his HS, and he's in the running to be validictorian at graduation. My boys accomplished a lot, he's got a good head on his shoulders, and yes I'm proud to of had a hand in raising him to work hard for his goals.
As for the Xscape room, that is happening this coming weekend, it turns out that there are two meetup groups going together and a couple of people signed up in both groups, so there is space and I will be going . I'm hoping that I can spend a little time talking to her and see if there's anything worth Persuing, but I also don't want to make things weird, so we will see.
As I read the females on this site talking about their experiences with dating guys, I'm becoming more and more confident that I'm a hell of a catch (in good shape, no health issues, make a good living, etc), but I just have a hard time being confident when I'm talking with someone I'm interested in, I need to learn to just relax and be myself...
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
So I'm finished with the house inspections, just waiting for the estimate from the general contractor that checked the foundation and then will get back to the seller and play lets make a deal. There were a few big issues found as well as normal small things in the inspections, I don't care about the small things and expect them, but I'm struggling on what to do about some of the bigger deal items, here's a list of the bigger items:
A/C - blower fan stopped working during the inspection. $375 to replace the fan, but unit is 25 years old and needs to be replaced (10-15 yr lifespan on AC units), $5,000 to replace.
Septic - Drain field box is destroyed, and drain field piping is blocked by roots. $550 to replace box and repair plumbing.
Roof Leak - roof is only 5 years old, but leaking around the chimney, $750 to tear everything out around chimney and redo.
Foundation repair - apparently roof has been leaking around the chimney for a long time, cause there was a support beam added under the floor (crawlspace), contractor says it works but isn't done properly and won't last so should be redone correctly. I'm waiting on the estimate for that but figuring 3-4k range.
So, I am going to ask for enough money back at closing (or lower purchase price) to fix the roof leak and septic ($1,300). But I'm struggling on what to do with the other two.
Do I ask for enough money to replace the A/C ($5,000), maybe some money towards replacement ($2,500), or just request they fix the A/C before closing (which I don't really want to fix since it's going to need to be replaced anyway).
And as for the foundation stuff, I'm perplexed. Like I said, what is there works but is going to need to be redone at some point. My thought is to ask for 1k or 2k towards it, but I don't know if that is realistic and I don't want to insult the seller.
My realtor is suggesting I request 100% of all the big stuff since I'm not even mentioning the little stuff, and then negotiate from there. So that's what I will probably do, it just seems like a lot to ask, especially since they agreed to such a low sales price.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Went to a spoken word open mic tonight, wow, if you haven't been to one, put it on the GAL list.. Think TEDtalks.. One of the readers read a "Letter to my daughters mothers boyfriend" who was moving in.
Spoke to the fact that he doesn't dislike him because he is filling his role, but that he wants to like him because they both are what his daughter will know. That they both will be the foundation of who daughter will eventually date, and both being better men is what he wants his daughter to face.
I am not able to describe it as eloquently as he did, but I couldn't help but to give a standing ovation, which many followed. Later learned that in 2 1/2 years of this event going on, it was the first standing ovation ever given.
That mans poem earned my respect and the standing ovation.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Went to a spoken word open mic tonight, wow, if you haven't been to one, put it on the GAL list.. Think TEDtalks.. One of the readers read a "Letter to my daughters mothers boyfriend" who was moving in.
Spoke to the fact that he doesn't dislike him because he is filling his role, but that he wants to like him because they both are what his daughter will know. That they both will be the foundation of who daughter will eventually date, and both being better men is what he wants his daughter to face.
I am not able to describe it as eloquently as he did, but I couldn't help but to give a standing ovation, which many followed. Later learned that in 2 1/2 years of this event going on, it was the first standing ovation ever given.
That mans poem earned my respect and the standing ovation.
I wish I was there for that one. It is what I am living now. Actually reading it brings tears to my eyes, I probably would have been bawling if I was there.
Losing my husband was not the hardest part of this journey. Having to introduce a new parental figure who came in the way she did has been my biggest struggle. It can't even really be explained. But you can see a bit of it in my most recent post.
I watched her stepmother the other day soothe my daughter before her first ice skating lesson. I think her dad was being tough on her on the way there and she gave D10 a pep talk along the lines of "don't worry about what daddy says, you know how he can be, you will do great" She is my daughter's protector there.
I made that about me, sorry, but kudos to that guy who could get up there and talk about it.
And I love reading how proactive in GAl you are and how you are really exploring new things! I wish I could join your kayaking group, I have always wanted to do it. I imagine in 7 years when my kid is off to college, I'll be living life a lot like you (granted I don't ruin anymore body parts) I don't even see it with a partner, believe it or not. If my mind goes directly to that time, It's me doing a whole bunch of things I never thought I would.
keep up the good work, you inspire me and give me something to look forward to.
It's not easy to see someone else bonding with and raising your child, that's why I was so moved, because his focus was on doing what is best for his daughter, not on himself, willing to make himself vulnerable for her benefit. You demonstrate that strength Ginger, I stand and applaud your dedication to doing what's best for her. There are lots of factors that you can't control, but because of your commitment to raising her proper, she will grow up knowing how to be a loving, strong, self sufficient woman.
As for my social life/activities, when I read your statement "I love reading how proactive in GAL you are", it made me realize something, I'm no longer GAL; I'm living my life now. I no longer forcing myself to look for things to do to get out and meet people and try new things, I'm in a place where I have a life and am just enjoying living it. That's not to say that I don't want to meet new people and try new things, just that I'm not doing it so I can GAL, I'm doing it because that is my life.
Over this last month I've realized how social I really am, I find myself feeling more comfortable having conversations because I know the importance of listening, understand how to validate others feelings, and most importantly no longer feel the pressure of wanting to say the right things so someone will like me, and just being me. In no way am I saying I'm great at doing all those things every time, but considering 3 years ago I never thought about consciously doing any of those things, I've come a long way.
And to touch on the escape room we went to, it went well. Because we were such a big group, they had us pay and then brought us to another building with a very long table to hang out wait for everyone. I was paying while talking with two other ladies in our group when, let's call her gg for gamer girl, came in. I looked up and said hello to her, introduced her to the other ladies, basically tried to make her feel comfortable and to show that I do remember her (we haven't talked since first game night on Super Bowl Sunday, although I have caught her looking at me from across the room). We all walked to the other building and she sat on the far end of a very long table, by herself. I walked around, gave some hugs said my hellos and then went and sat next to gg, I was going to sit closer to everyone else and then invite her to move closer, but decided to take the opportunity to talk mostly one on one. As more people showed up, we started to get people around us, but that was ok because I felt I had shown an interest in her, but I was also there to hang out with friends, not to try and get a speed date session in.
When we started splitting into groups for the rooms, I was the first to pick because it was the only room I had not done yet, and she chose to join my group. Her and I worked very well together in the room (maybe because of the gaming experiences?), not intentionally working together but bouncing ideas off each other when clues were found, the rest of the group were having a hard time figuring things out and getting frustrated. I don't want to make it sound like we were only interacting with each other, cause the whole group was involved. Anyway, in the end we got close, but didn't escape. But it was fun and I had a good time.
Most of us were doing a cooking class after, but gg was leaving to go to the game night and asked if I'd be going there later, told her I wasn't going, I was hanging out with the singles group after cooking class. she mentioned a painting class (drink and paint) we are doing next weekend and I told her I would like it if she would join us.
Spent a total time of about 1 1/2 hrs with gg, it went well, no crazy connection feeling, but I do believe there is a shared interest to getting to know each other more. It was nice getting to socialize outside the gaming night, cause I've never felt comfortable showing interest in that dynamic. When I got home that night, I messaged her on meetup that I was happy she went, that I thought if it was just the two of us I think we would have escaped and that I had fun. She replied this morning with I agree and some blushing smiley emoji.
So now we'll see if she goes to the painting thing.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
hmm, holding posted something about tests that woman give men to check their strength, like saying "I don't want to talk about it" when they actually want to talk about it. I didn't know the term $hit tests, but after reading some comments on it decided to look it up. to keep this short, I'm just gonna sum it up by saying that woman have lots of choices and these tests are supposedly ingrained in them to see who is a Man and will do "the right thing" when it comes to the W rather than just doing what she says.
Anyway, it got me thinking, I have somewhat altered my personality in that I consciously try to refrain from over explaining myself (NGS), when I have something to say I make sure it's heard, but I try and keep it focused on what I want. Anyway, it's a work in progress but I do notice the change I've made so far and it seems effective.
But then it got me thinking about dating, or more specifically showing an interest in getting to know someone. With gg, I went out of my way to show that I was interested in getting to know her the other night, I sat next to her instead of sitting in the group as I would of normally of done, I made sure to get her alone as she was leaving so I could say goodbye and letting her know I would like her to come to the painting night. But I wonder if it would be better for me to just tell her I'd like to get to know her better and ask her out one on one.
But I also feel like had I asked her out, I would kind of be committing to dating her right now and I would prefer to get to know her a little better first (since if it doesn't work i'll still be seeing her at game nights).
I think I might be seeing the answer as I think this through. So as I see it I have three options: 1. Continue to show an interest without actually stepping up - risk being friend zoned. 2. Ask her out - if it doesn't work out risk having game night become a little awkward 3. Just keep doing me, stop showing an interest or trying to manipulate ways to spend time with her and just talk to her when it organically happens (by circumstance or by her coming to me), and after getting to know that I'm interested, then ask her out.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I've folded to peer pressure, I've been convinced to go to a Latin dance night Wednesday. This is a big deal for someone with two left feet (you should of seen me in my tango class), but let's face it, salsa dancing is sexy and worth the impending embarrassment sure to come. Oh boy, wish me luck...
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
C'Nut, I like your approach of not over explaining yourself.
With GG, I suggest you go with approach #3. You should show an interest when the moment arises, but trying to manufacture ways to spend time with her will seem a little needy and probably be transparent anyway. Play it cool. Wait for some signs from her that SHE has interest in YOU.
Good luck with the dancing, man. I also suffer from having two left feet, and dancing has always been uncomfortable for me. Let us know how it goes.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
But I also feel like had I asked her out, I would kind of be committing to dating her right now and I would prefer to get to know her a little better first (since if it doesn't work i'll still be seeing her at game nights).
"Committing to dating" is a phrase that jumped out at me here. And I say this as someone who tends to want things to get serious in a hurry, once I've decided I like someone. But "committed to dating" is almost an oxymoron if you think about it. There's really no commitment in dating, until you both decide there's a commitment. Assuming the date doesn't end in a crash and burn scenario, there's no reason you couldn't continue to hang out with her or be her friend at game nights.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
I've got to say Coconut, for a guy who really doesn't like/want to do a lot of things beyond your comfort zone, you are awesome at doing just that! You first pushed yourself to do the meet ups and now salsa for a terrible dancer! I wish I had those guts. Actually I do, there is not much, if pushed, I won't do. The problem is, I don't often push myself. I HATE to dance - absolutely HATE IT even though I know it would help my social activity. I'm just very impressed by your GAL
As for the "committing to date" I get it. Once you cross that line it's hard to go back. Not hard for me, mind you, but hard, or perhaps confusing for the woman. Am I correct ladies? It's just hard to go from a real date to just hanging out as friends. I think that's what you are saying. Still, I've had multiple dating Rs without ever going on a single date. Confusing? What I'm saying is we do enough together either in groups or alone as friends to know she's not for me. It's almost like dating without really dating. Am I understanding you Nut?
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
ugh, just gave a terrible presentation to a group of new hires. Usually I am able to get people interested in what I'm saying, manage to make them laugh a few times, and actually get answers when I throw questions out. Just left a presentation that I actually had to encourage people to stand if they needed to (lots of struggling to keep eyes open), I was monotone, kept losing my train of thought, etc... Ugh, that was embarrassing.
Anyway, I get that dating doesn't require a commitment, but lets face it, there is usually one person that's more into it than the other. Which is fine if you don't really see the other person if you stop dating. But I've seen her around 5 times in the last 5 weeks, so what if I wasn't interested in continuing dating her and then I met someone else that I wanted to bring to game night... that might be awkward, right?
I am not too worried about things being awkward, it's not that big of a deal to me if it is. I'm just thinking if I get to know her a little more before asking, I will minimize the risk of it being a one and done situation.
I once had a GF that I met at a gas station and asked her out, and I met another when I went for a haircut and when she was done cutting my hair I asked her out, but all my other girlfriends were friends that evolved into relationships. So yes donH (by the way my name is Donnie) I get the dating without really dating reference.
Dating is really just a term used to describe "getting to know each other", although the benefit of defining it as dating (rather than friends) is you're more likely to get some action at the end of the night.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Just got a late night call... No not a booty call, although maybe that would of been almost as good... Anyway I digress, my realtor just called and the seller agreed to my request for all the money to repair the findings during the inspection..
I gave what I considered a low ball offer on the house, I requested twice what I thought was fair in money towards repairs, and I got it all..
Folks, I'm on cloud 9 right now, I'm happy with this path I'm on.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Well Latin night was anti-climatic. No ones fault, it was the first time that any of us had been there, so no one knew what to expect. Me being from an area commonly referred to as Northern Cuba, I imagined something similar to past experiences, but I should of known better than to expect such experiences in NC.
Basically it was what I like to call a "hook up house" (local bar where the regulars just looking for hookups), and just another "theme night". Good news is I didn't have to dance, bad news I didn't get to dance.
As I sat there, at the hookup house, I wondered what the "regulars" thought of the life they live, if they had dreams they thought might come true there, or if it was just all about the moment. I really try not to judge, I'm ok with people living their lives, doing what it is that makes them happy, but I often wonder how far past the next 24 hrs some people imagine.
I have had a true one night stand once in my life, it was a surreal experience that I stumbled into at a hook-up house. It wasn't intentional, I was young, about 22, was out with friends partying and we ended up at this local bar not far from closing time. I was drunk when we got there, don't remember much about how I actually met her, but do know that I was dancing with her when "it's closing time" was played. She said she'd like to keep hanging out but we couldn't go to her place, she was very adamant that we couldn't go to her place. I have often wondered since then why we couldn't go to her place, she was my only one night stand, so things have triggered memories of her. After BD, 20 yrs later, I did wonder if she was M, although I didn't have any reason to think so at the time, I just thought it was because she lived with parents.
Anyway, let's just say that was an unfulfilling night for me. Hours and hours of time spent in every position I knew to try, I finally just said forget it and she took off. I knew her for a total of about 4 or 5 hrs total. Nothing about that night made me feel good.
So as I sat at Latin dance night, looking around at all the people (btw woman outnumbered men 2 to 1), I wondered how many MLC people I was observing. The thought of a 30, 40, 50 something person, showing up at a local bar night after night, feeling the rush for one night at a time, only one night at a time, made me sad. I did it once and it made me miserable in the morning (I've walked away from plenty of other "opportunities) and I wonder if they feel that unfulfillment in the morning too, then look for the next rush that night. I don't know, intriguing, I do hope it makes them happy, just not my thing.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Well, you tried something new, outside of your comfort zone and found out it wasn't for you.
We have this very high end steak house nearby in a welthy neighborhood. it has 3 floors, one the dining room, a speakeasy in the basement which is pretty cool, where you would take a date for drinks, and the upstairs which has a DJ. Well, a few years ago we took a friend there for a 30th birthday when it first opened not knowing much about it. We went upstairs and OMG. It was the 45 plus crowd of men and women, the women dressed in the skimpiest clothes ever throwing themselves all of the guys, the guys eating it up, the women so drunk, one was dancing with a wooden pole in a very sexual manner. We just stood there and said "nahhhhh", and went downstairs to the speakeasy. God knows how many were married, recently divorced, cheating, whatever. I am all for having fun and not caring about what other people think, but it was kind of a sad sight. Definitely not my scene.
I have had one night stands (not many). One when I was 20 and the ex and I were "on a break" (as in he wanted to date someone else) a coworker had a friend, (who happened ot be hot as heck and filthy rich) and it was only the second person I ever slept with. I felt absolutely completely dirty. He kept trying to see me again, and I felt so awful, I didn't. I've had 2 others, one was a guy I had known through years, another a coworker. The complete stranger thing is what makes me uneasy.
It's funny, my ex and this one night stand were my only. I figured it would be just those two for the rest of my life. I hate in a way it is not.
I made that about me, somewhat, sorry.
Have you thought about a crossfit/group fitness gym where you work out with the same people all the time? That's how I met FF. But the best part was the girlfriends I made and the group events the gym did. I got into the best shape of my life too. Think about it!
Good on you for trying something different, even if it didn't end up being your cup of tea. New experiences can be a good thing, even if they just show you what you DON'T like. I sometimes wish that I lived in a bigger town so I had more opportunity to try new things. Even though I live in a college town, it is still a very small town, so just not a lot of opportunity out there, especially for a woman of my, uhhhhhhhh, maturity level....yeah, I'm not old, I'm mature. LOL
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Ginger, write what ever you would like; most of my posts to others reflect on my experiences, because that is what I know, and I believe that hearing others experiences helps us understand we are not alone, or how we could do things different, etc. So share away. ____________________________________________________________
Dawn, coming from Ft. Laud, I would say I'm not in a large town either, however, I've been to a lot of the "small towns" around NC and my city does have a lot more going on than those do. _____________________________________________________________
Last Sunday I went to another town about 40 minutes away, I wanted to get some fishing in and there were a couple of places there that I could target specific fish. Unfortunately, 2 of the 3 places I wanted to hit were closed (one was a lake at a vineyard that I didn't know doesn't allow fishing during the winter, and the other was a lock and dam that is under construction). So after fishing the one option I had left for a little while, I decided to grab some lunch.
There's a sushi place in that town that is better than any I've been able to find around me, so I usually stop there to eat when I'm around. I sat at the sushi bar and there was a young lady working that area. When she first spoke to me, I about fell out of my chair, she had the most southern accent I'd ever heard. My town is a military town, so almost no one is from here, so there aren't many with accents.
I love me a southern accent. My first real girlfriend was from NC (trips with her to NC is what made me want to move here), and I guess that since then I've always associated southern accents with that Love. This girl at the restaurant was the most country I'd ever heard. We started chatting and she told me that she grew up out in the country, two stop sign town, and moved to that town to find work. We chatted in between her dealing with customers during my meal and I really enjoyed talking to her... BUT she was around 25
I considered asking for her number, cause I'd love to talk to her more and we did hit it off pretty well, but I just couldn't get past the age difference. But she's been on my mind since. ________________________________________________________
Ok, something else has been on my mind since Ginger mentioned her boundary regarding drug users. I realized that I haven't really tried to define boundaries that I want, so I got to thinking about what are no-go's to me.
I would like to ask you all for your opinions on this, because I'm back and forth on it. Would you date someone who ever divorced because they had an A?
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Ok, something else has been on my mind since Ginger mentioned her boundary regarding drug users. I realized that I haven't really tried to define boundaries that I want, so I got to thinking about what are no-go's to me.
Here's an idea I got from a youtube video: make a list with 2 columns: the traits you want and don't want in a woman. Write down as many things as you can. They can be physical, but include personality and lifestyle choices as well. Then go back and circle the top 10 in each column. This will help you lock down what you're looking for as well as your dealbreakers.
Originally Posted By: Coconut
I would like to ask you all for your opinions on this, because I'm back and forth on it. Would you date someone who ever divorced because they had an A?
As in, would I date someone who had been unfaithful in their M? Absolutely not. Infidelity is a hard stop for me.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
If I had never experienced what I have, I might have been understanding about the A depending on the circumstances and if there were lessons learned, remorse, ect.
However, I want to minimize my chances of ever going through that again. SO I would have to say a firm "NO".
I would like to ask you all for your opinions on this, because I'm back and forth on it. Would you date someone who ever divorced because they had an A?
Coconut,
I like your question because it's simple and provocative.
First of all, most likely the only way you'd learn about the affair is from the person you're dating. If the person were to tell you about the affair, then I would give them kudos for being forthright and honest. What if you were dating a person who'd had an affair but never told you?
Second, if someone told me they'd had an affair back when they were young and dumb, and were ashamed of what they'd done and didn't make excuses for the affair, then I think that person would be deserving of consideration. That is, if everything else is a good fit.
We've all done things we shouldn't have done and that we're ashamed of; I think it's a bad idea to make a black-and-white decision before it's necessary to make the decision.
I've never had a problem with my 6 mile hikes, so I think I may try doing 8 miles frequently and see if I can strengthen my ankles.