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This weekend I went to a meet-up with my kayak fishing club for a winter get together.. We went to a lake that has a hot water discharge canal from a power plant that flows into a large lake. This was my first time going, but they go every year, it's known as the fishing meet where the fish are jumping all over the place but don't bite and everyone sticks it out in the cold as long as they can before going to grab some lunch. Just a social gathering.

It lived up to it's reputation this year, except they weren't discharging hot water that day, so the fishing was worse than usual, and it was freezing.. the wind was howling down the canal and we didn't make it very long before going to breakfast instead of sticking it out till lunch.

Anyway, while out I was talking to a few friends about dating now that the D was finalized, mentioned that I had tried online dating and that the first person I met was very aggressive.

I had posted my profile on Friday, she reached out and we started to chat on Saturday, while chatting I told her I was headed out to go hike a trail at a local state park and left, when I got back she had msg'd me like 10 times. then on Sunday, I was taking all the x-mas decorations down, disposing of my tree, etc, so I didn't reach out to her. About 1pm, she messaged "have I lost you already?". My thought was that she never had me, how could she lose me, but I replied that no, I was going to contact her later but I was getting some stuff done around the house I needed to take care of.

Anyway, we talked a little over the course of the next few days, then I told her I would be out of communication for a few days while I went to FL to take care of the D. When I got back I messaged her that it brought up more emotions than I thought it would, and that I was going to hold off for a while before dating and I deleted my online profile. She asked if we could still be friends and I replied that would be nice if it didn't come with expectations (I don't have any friends in my hometown). She then replied and asked if it would come with any benefits. Grr.. now I realize that is something most would probably jump on, no pun intended, but I had just told her no expectations and she throws that out there. I probably should have told her I wasn't interested in communicating anymore, but I just told her I wasn't looking for a hookup. Now I don't have any interest in talking to her, it's been over a week and she hasn't said a single thing that interests me, but I'm not sure how to end that communication nicely... I guess I will just man up and tell her.

While at the meet-up, one of buddies starts telling me about some of his experiences with OLD, and I got to tell you it was right along the lines of what you all have experienced. He had one lady he was dating for a couple of months, they had always gone back to his place because she said that she didn't want her kids to know she was sexually active, until one day that they had planned a date, she showed up at his house with her Husband. Apparently he was ok with her having guys on the side as long as he got to watch occasionally. unreal.

Anyway, I decided to check out another site that he said had a lot more people from our area, so I went on there and have been communicating with a lady that lives in the same town as my bff (about 35 mins away). She has a ranch where she trains horses, has a start up dog grooming business, and is a foster parent for rescue dogs waiting to be adopted. Her bio seemed very genuine, and she seems very down to earth and content with her life. She is my age and I found her to be very attractive (not in a hot kind of way, but a natural beauty), so I reached out to her and we have been talking a little.

I am joining another fishing club this week, this is a cat fishing club, which is ironic because I've never been cat fishing and don't have any plans to anytime soon. But I've been to some of their events, they are a local club, I've gotten to know the president of the club and a few of the guys in the club that I get along with, plus they do a lot of charitable work which I think I can really help out with. so overall I think it will be a good way for me to build some friendships with people in town, spend time doing some charitable work, and who knows, maybe i'll enjoy cat fishing when I eventually try it out.


M - 9 1/2 years
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Originally Posted By: Coconut
He had one lady he was dating for a couple of months, they had always gone back to his place because she said that she didn't want her kids to know she was sexually active, until one day that they had planned a date, she showed up at his house with her Husband. Apparently he was ok with her having guys on the side as long as he got to watch occasionally. unreal.


Holy sh*t! That is unreal!

Originally Posted By: Coconut
She is my age and I found her to be very attractive (not in a hot kind of way, but a natural beauty), so I reached out to her and we have been talking a little.


In my opinion, girl-next-door natural beauty so much better than the typical notion of hotness (lots of makeup, perfect hair and fake boobs). The problem with the hot chicks is that they can't stand up to weather. If they get caught in the rain, the hotness gets washed away. When the natural beauty gets caught in the rain, they look hot as ever.

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I really don't think I'm cut out for online dating. I have a really hard time gauging someone's intent behind their messages. So far, the first girl I ran into was way too aggressive, I played along for awhile and when I finally decided to just outright tell her I wasn't interested, she stopped texting me.

Then the ranch lady and I have been communicating back and forth for a few days, but her messages are very short, usually only answering or commenting on what I say to her, which doesn't leave me much to reply to, or show that she has any interest in getting to know me. So I figured she's just being polite and not really interested, so I hadn't responded to her last message since yesterday morning, but I don't want to stop communicating if she is interested and just isn't very good at holding a written conversation (if you followed my sitch, you know I tend to say a lot when writing).

Then I started chatting with another person this morning who caught my attention because all of her interests matched mine (fishing, kayaking, camping, etc), and the same thing as ranch lady, she keeps replying with just a comment or answer to something I say.

And yesterday I had someone that didn't interest me reach out and made a comment about a few of my pictures, it was a funny comment and so I responded politely about what she said (kind of what the other two are doing to me), and when she responded again I thanked her for reaching out but told her I wasn't interested in continuing to chat.

So I decided to send this message to the other two (ranch lady and fishing girl):

"I really can't figure out if you want to chat or are just being polite. You keep replying to me, but the short responses don't leave me with much to respond to.

If you're not interested in talking, I won't take it personally, but if you would like to talk, please give me more than just a short comment or response to what I said."

and I sent it.. then wondered if it was a bad idea. and to be honest, I'm still not sure. If I am talking with someone in person, it's pretty easy to read body language to determine if there's any interest. But in that scenario, if the conversation is good, I wouldn't end the conversation just because she wasn't interested.

But in written word, it's all but impossible to determine interest unless the words demonstrate it. I don't want to stop talking to someone just because they aren't good at holding a conversation via text, but I also don't want to keep up a relatively boring conversation with someone who isn't interested anyway.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
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Coconut,

To feel things out (metaphorically), I'll often say something that's totally off-the-wall. For example, if you look at their pictures and you see them wearing a nice dress, then you can tell them that you have a dress just like that and you enjoy wearing it to parties. One woman was wearing a Yankee's baseball cap so I asked her what the hell she was doing with my hat (I told her I'd lost the hat a couple of weeks ago).

That approach seems to separate the wheat from the chaff (to an extent). Some of the women don't "get it" and that filters them out; the others will write back and often a lengthy volley will ensue.

Maybe that'll help...

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Let me apologize if we've already had this convo in previous threads. I tend to forget who ice said what I'm about to say you to in the past. But, here it is, do you think you might be rushing the shore dating thing? You've not even been divorced a month yet. I think things have not gone too well for you in the early goings here because you are rushing it. You've already posted and deleted profiles. What's the rush? Most everyone says to take at least six months if not a year to just work in you. Do you think you are really emotionally ready for a new R?

You are not alone as I've seen this happen with several others here as well. Getting a D takes such a toll on a person. It brings up so much amd so much hurt. The way to soften the hurt is not a new R. Sadly it's the only thing that some people know. They feel naked not having somene.

I just wanted to raise this. As anaside, I wonder if thus us in part why OLD does not work for many here. Are many OLD'rs themselves brand newly single as well. That's a topic I may explore on my own thread.


DonH
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Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
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Originally Posted By: doodler
For example, if you look at their pictures and you see them wearing a nice dress, then you can tell them that you have a dress just like that and you enjoy wearing it to parties.

I guess to be able to pull this one off, I’ll need to delete the pic of me in a dress, otherwise they’ll know it’s not the same one they have.
Originally Posted By: DonH
Most everyone says to take at least six months if not a year to just work in you. Do you think you are really emotionally ready for a new R?

I have been working on me for over a year, never even considered dating during that time period and knew I wasn’t in a place to do so.

Originally Posted By: DonH
You are not alone as I've seen this happen with several others here as well. Getting a D takes such a toll on a person. It brings up so much amd so much hurt. The way to soften the hurt is not a new R. Sadly it's the only thing that some people know. They feel naked not having someone.

I get what you are saying, and I wasn't ready to date for a long time.. But I haven't talked to my ex since we separated in October of 2016, and hardly talked since I decided to separate in July 2016. Leading up to the D I was hurt because I had always held out hope that she would at least reach out before we D and she never did, then about 2 weeks before the D I found out she had a boyfriend, so I knew I wouldn't hear from her before the D. I wasn’t hoping for reconciliation, just closure.

Since the D, I haven't really thought of her, I definitely haven't dwelled on the past, and I feel a burden lifted. I no longer think about possibilities of saving my M, I don’t miss the life I used to have (except being closer to my son). I really am not hurting, at all.

As for feeling naked not having someone, that’s not me, I’m actually more comfortable being alone than with someone. I’ve never needed someone in my life, to the point that I often wonder how they will fit in my life, wondering what I’m willing to share, give up or take on. But I do miss having dinners out, conversation, someone to go places with (I go alone, but not as much fun). I don’t need someone to complete me, I am just looking for someone to spend time with.

In addition to OLD, I’m also joining another fishing club that is local instead of statewide like the one I’m currently in, and I’m going to start attending a board game meetup. I’m not sure about the meetup because I’m not really that much into games, but it’s a big group and held at someone’s house twice a month and by the pics looks like a fun time. I’m still looking for more activities to get into locally, but meetup doesn’t have anything else I’m interested in (I’m in a somewhat small town).


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Originally Posted By: Coconut
I guess to be able to pull this one off, I’ll need to delete the pic of me in a dress, otherwise they’ll know it’s not the same one they have.


That would be making the assumption that you only have one dress. Why would anyone think that?

You've got to google "joe rogan caitlyn jenner" and watch the video; it's hilarious.

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Originally Posted By: Coconut
So I decided to send this message to the other two (ranch lady and fishing girl):

"I really can't figure out if you want to chat or are just being polite. You keep replying to me, but the short responses don't leave me with much to respond to.

If you're not interested in talking, I won't take it personally, but if you would like to talk, please give me more than just a short comment or response to what I said."


So I rcvd a response from both, I hesitate to provide this type of info, because I don't really feel like I "have much game", so that can be a little Embarassing, but I've learned so much about R's from this board and I feel like I may continue to learn if I continue to post. even doodlers comment about using comedy opened my eyes to not make everything so serious, and I like the idea of filtering out the "takes life too seriously" types.

Fisher girl responded first with "at work", so I waited until evening and replied "damn autocorrect, I meant to say "so you like fishing and camping, do you enjoy kayaking? :-)"". She replied "don't kayak but love the outdoors". So again with the short responses to what I say. I deleted the emails and done trying to chat, which is too bad, because we do have a lot of activities in common.

Rancher Lady replied this morning, "Awww, Jeez, already telling me what to do, lololol!! I honestly don't take anyone all that seriously (or consider them to be a real person) until I've actually met them." I liked and respected that reply, so I wrote back:
"Not as much telling you what to do as letting you know what I need to continue chatting. At least I now understand and it makes sense to me, I'm really new to this online thing and assumed (bad move on my part) that the idea was to chat online to see if there is anything in common and if so then meet.

Anyway, I would like to meet you and would prefer something casual at first. I am going out kayaking tomorrow morning, but would like to meet tomorrow early afternoon, like 1 or 2pm, if your available (and up for it)."

One thing I learned on this site is that I'm a "nice guy", it's natural for me to tread lightly and just do what the other person wants to do to make them happy. I'm trying to change that, and tell people what I want, but I do worry that I sometimes explain too much and need to stfu. Hopefully I can stick to what I want while being considerate of others, so feel free to tell me when I'm doing it wrong.

Anyway, I've had my coffee, whatched my favorite Saturday morning show (gold rush). It's a beautiful day out so I'm going to take my dog to a 5 mile (10 round trip) trail along a river in town and see if I can do the full round trip trail for the first time. 3 miles each way is the furthest I've done so far, but I'm thinking I want to go the whole way today.


M - 9 1/2 years
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I did the entire river trail Saturday, it ended up being 5.5 miles each way (there is a 1/2 mile separation between two legs that you have to walk along a road to get to), I also did a couple of short side trails for views of the river and a historic town in a city park along the trail that includes a covered bridge, historic school buildings and such. It really is a very nice trail, I had done the same section of the trail several times but it was nice to see the rest.

I brought my dog with me, and she really slowed down my pace, both from stopping to smell, going potty and people passing wanting to pet her (she's 10yrs old but looks like a puppy and is the softest dog I've ever petted). Having so many people stop and chat, many of which were woman, was nice because it almost turned it into a social event, which was definitely a unexpected bonus.

I even almost took up jogging cause there were a few that I would of liked to keep in sight longer smile But I have medical inserts in my ankles that I had put in when I was young, to fix my flat feet, and it makes jogging very difficult (limited flexion in my ankle) and causes a lot of pain in my ankles afterwards (similar to the pain of spraining your ankle). In fact just walking so much further than usual caused a lot of pain walking after about the 8.5 mile mark, and weight bearing the next day was extremely painful, so I spent Sunday on the couch frown I've never had a problem with my 6 mile hikes, so I think I may try doing 8 miles frequently and see if I can strengthen my ankles.

I'm pretty fed up with OLD... I know, it's only been two weeks and I should be more patient, but I really find peoples lack of communication skills frustrating. I no longer respond to people who just reach out and say "Hi", I just delete those. Then, when I reach out I read their profiles, and I try and let them know what I found interesting about them, whether it be shared interests, or funny, or "real", and then they often reply with just short comments about what I said, adding nothing to the "conversation", or just say something like thanks for reaching out. Honestly, the quick conversations I had on the hiking trail were so much more enjoyable than the conversations I've had with people online over several days.

I also find myself checking the site more often than I should, almost like an addiction, so it's a bit of a let down when everyone I try talking to disappoints me. I realize that I have expectations about how it should be, and I'm having a hard time just going with the flow, so I think I may be best off just getting away from that and stay focused on living my life and talking to people while out and about.

If your tired of reading about my frustrations with OLD, have no fear, that will be my last post about it. I just like using this site as a journal, and writing it all out helps me think things through.


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Puhhhhlease, this section over here has a large portion dedicated to the frustrations of OLD. Just know you are not alone. I have the same exact problems as you do. I erase anyone who just says "hi". I will alswyas respond to someone who actually took the time out to read my profile. Rarely does anyone even read a profile, they go based on pictures. They would see the part where it says "Does not want children" but send a message when their profile says "wants children". As for the text buddy crap? I don't need that either. And the fade out with a few word responses? Don't need that BS either!

It's like the only way I have to meet anyone, but it does not work for me. So, I am still waiting for Mr. right to bump into me at the grocery store (let's face it, it is more likely to happen at the liquor store for me) and ask me out. So, basically, I will be single forever, haha.

I was getting into hiking before I hurt myself. I live in Northern NJ, where it isn't all that scenic, but we do have some trails and if you go over the border to Upstate NY, there are also some nice ones. I think I will be ready to tackle some small trails this summer with my brace. I have always wanted to do kayaking and paddle boarding and will most likely give that a shot this summer too.

This may be super bad advice. But as an old-fashioned woman, if you see a woman out you are attracted to and by all appearances seems to be single, ask her out. Some might think you are a creep, because no one actually does that anymore, because, you know, Tinder is so much less creepy (?!?. But, there might be a woman out there who is charmed by the old fashioned way of asking someone out and who knows????

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