Adjusting to being a LBS #2

[Verum]

You're still clinging to the hope that this is all temporary and if you just say or do the right thing then all will go right back to normal. But that is not how this works. She is DONE, make no mistake about it. You have got to leave her alone and work on YOU. You've got to give her LOTS of time and space to sort things out on her own. When she does she may very well change her mind about the M, but that is months down the road, maybe even a year or more. You are still doing things to try and save the M instead of saving yourself. Work on you first, then maybe the M will follow.

This is a great reminder for many of us. We all come to the forum to save our M, but we should really be focusing on what we can control, which is ourselves.

[TBSakaJ9]

Originally Posted By: Subitai

Also, at DC I got the equivalent of IDLY. She said what was the other option to divorce? Stay married when she doesn't have those feelings for me anymore? She didn't say IDLY, but the effect was the same. A gut punch for sure. I had, in my head, been believing she still loved me, but just didn't think I could change, and all my 180s would save the day. Those feelings are completely gone, though.

It has been 7.5 months for me and my W is still done, done and more done.

I can tell you from experience at some point in time, once you are more healed you will begin to wonder if this is all worth it and if you really want her back. Once you get a chance to step back and take inventory of all the damage she has done.

Early on everyone is wrapped up into every conversation and interaction you have but over time you really won't care as much and you will become more comfortable with how you conduct yourself and with DBing in general.

[Subitai]

So, we went to a show together, which we had planned before the BD. It actually went quite well. I held off talking about R stuff, and made general chit-chat, talked a bit about kids/etc, in a very calm and non-confrontational way. It was pretty good. The show was fantastic. We talked about it the whole way down. Then she brought up MC, things she said there, things she felt she was proud of articulating. I affirmed and listened, I actively agreed with a lot of what she said (And I DID agree with a lot of what she said). I thanked her, too, because I felt I had a better handle on our sitch afterwards, and answered the questions she had for me. After we got the sitter squared away, I told her I would get out of her hair, she said "You're not bothering me." I said goodbye anyway and left. I felt more comfortable in the conversations.

Much better. I'll see her again on Saturday.

[Vanilla]

Your W does not appear to be a wayward. A great deal of the comments put to you refer to a wayward.

If your W is a WAW then she is not wayward. It is a great mistake to treat her as if she is.

If a 180 is to share your feelings (no R talk) on various things then do so.

There is always too eager a tendency to treat all W as wayward here. There is a huge difference.

If you treat a walkaway as if she were wayward, when she is behaving with dignity and respect, she will runaway not just walk.

A walkaway knows what she is doing and is likely doing so in sorrow than anger. She wants to see shift.

It's also nonsense that a walkaway doesn't care about her children or pets or even her ex.

Can I please repeat again, a wayward is not a walkaway. The two are very different.

V

[Subitai]

I don't think she's a wayward, either. She is very caring for the kids, the pets, and she even cares about me. If she thinks I'm upset, she asks about it. We went into details and she said one of the drivers of the D is how mad SHE is, and her feelings about the actions that SHE took. She doesn't want to be the person she was towards me, it's not just the person I was towards her.

I may not be able to salvage this marriage, but I think I can salvage a very workable co-parenting and respectful relationship at the very least. Who knows where things will lead.

Thank goodness I got into IC to deal with the trauma, anger, and high-conflict childhood I had. They don't excuse my actions, but they are the genesis of the feelings I reacted to so poorly. And it was god awful hard to do that.

Anyway, I still need to detach and give space, and be as friendly as I can, and work on being the person I should (and could) have been this whole time.

V, I always appreciate your optimism and your advice. The apology letter was super helpful to me. Fastcars, you are an inspiration to stand strong and long, even in the face of major setback. Joeseph9, I am glad to hear your advice from further in the process, letting me know it gets easier. AnotherStander, I always appreciate you helping me see the ground I need to plant my feet on. Clyde, you give me hope and caution all at once. I'm rooting for you! Nicole and Sandi bring a great perspective and insight into what my W may be thinking. Thank you guys for that. Petri, dude, I'm following your story so closely. I feel a kind of kinship with you and your progress.

Building a better tomorrow, one painful step at a time, and each step is a little less painful.

[Vanilla]

So my sense is that friendship is a great start.

I am not saying friend zone. Your W was very attracted to you, she cares about you and her family, that's huge.

You are making shift, dealing with your stuff is first then becoming a man only a fool would leave.

I think you are doing great.

V

[TBSakaJ9]

S.....I agree with V I think you are doing great. When I started my sitch I viewed it as starting over from scratch which means starting with a friendship (not friend zone) and taking it from there.

As V said continue working on yourself, becoming a man only a fool would leave and the rest is out of your control. When you look in the mirror do you like what you see?

[Subitai]

I will keep on working on restoring/keeping our friendship and back off on the M/R talks while continuing to work on me. Today, IC and Yoga. And I get to see my kids for a bit tomorrow before I try a 50ish mile bike ride.

[Subitai]

Friday she asked me if I wanted to run an errand with her and the kids and her dad (the last part of a Xmas present he was getting them), so I picked the kids up (which made work easier for her) and went to the store with them. I bailed out early as I had plans with friends to see a show. Saturday, I came over to take care of them while she had an appointment. I had asked if I could bring my bike and go for a ride (and then leave it there since I would be moving back in the next day) and she said sure. When I got back, she said she had ordered pizza and I was welcome to stay. I had a slice, then headed back over to the apartment.

Sunday, I came over early as she had a bunch of errands to run, hung out with the kids, and when she came back she asked if I wanted to stay with our D or take our S to a b-day party. I stayed with my D (who is sick) and then suggested we order dinner for them to pick up on the way home, and we all had dinner again that night.

Today is my first day 'back in the home' and her first day away.

I left a potted flower, some sardines and crackers, and one of her favorite terrible deserts for her at the apartment to find on Sunday. I know, brownie points are dumb.... but I'm trying to be thoughtful and friendly, and the place really needs some cheering up, so the flower seemed like a good choice. (And less pursuity than cut flowers.)

No contact/messages about that. I will back off now after that to giver her space in the apartment. Before she left, I had mentioned if she was missing the kids we could do a mid-week dinner as I really enjoyed seeing the kids on last Wednesday, even if for a little while.

Coming back into the kids after many days off was a bit of a shock. I found my self getting annoyed at them quite easily, but not getting 'mad' at them, if that makes sense to people who know about anger issues. I'm settling down into it, though. The kids are acting fairly normal, which either means we're doing a pretty good job with the divorce so far, or that this is the calm before the storm. Hopefully they will ease into the adjustments.

That's the sitch right now.

[Subitai]

Oh, I forgot to mention some playful flirty stuff. She smacked me on the butt with a paper towel roll and laughed. While I was changing a light, I dropped a piece and asked her to help, so she picked up the piece and handed it to me, then stepped up on the ladder next to me and helped hold the fixture while I put the screws on. I joked that I would change all the lights if it meant she was going to press her breasts against me. She proceeded to rub them against me laughing, and then walked off. There were a few other verbal incidents, but those two really took me by surprise.