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I sense you are growing. That's what is important to me.

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Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
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Subitai Offline OP
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Well, the separation has started. The kids took the initial news okay, but as they digested it, my daughter really got distraught. "If you have the power make it stop, why won't you?" It was hard explaining that there were problems Mommy and Daddy couldn't fix, and so we were doing this so that we can be better parents who don't fight with each other.

Urgh.

Had a couple of DB fails while talking over stuff. WaW does not want the kids to see the apartment until it's 'set up' but has no definition for that. The kids want to see where Mommy and Daddy go. I kept trying to get her to see that seeing an apartment with bare walls is not the traumatizing thing here, but she wouldn't budge, and got mad and accused me of railroading her and of being destructive because I mentioned maybe taking the kids over in front of the kids (we had had several discussions about this already with the kids) since they were surprised that the spare couch was gone.

Kids had some playdates, and immediately told their friends their parents were getting divorced, so the news will be spreading like wildfire. Kids teachers were informed as a precaution.

My daughter cried and clung on to me last night when I was supposed to be leaving. That hurt so much.

I will see them briefly on Wednesday as my W and I are going to a show we purchased tickets for well before the BD.

I'm sitting here wondering how the kids are doing at school, with no info.


Me: Mid 40s W : Early 40s
M:11 T:13
S, D, both 7-10
BD : 11/2017
Separation : 1/18
Joined: Nov 2017
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Divorce Diet update : 33 pounds.

My clothes don't fit right anymore.


Me: Mid 40s W : Early 40s
M:11 T:13
S, D, both 7-10
BD : 11/2017
Separation : 1/18
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 539
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I hope the bird nesting let's you both have some space and hopefully help both you and your W. I don't see why you cannot show the kids the apartment? Whatever.

33 pounds is a lot. Exercise is important, otherwise you lose muscle mass too. I suggest you treat yourself and start buying some new clothes. When the W sees you, you'll be the "new Subitai" a much leaner, better dressed man.


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Subitai Offline OP
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We need to do some financial divesting, first. Right now, almost all our money goes to 'joint' accounts. So buying new clothes has bad optics.

It's early to tell on the bird nesting. It's still 'shared space' but hopefully we'll be able to adjust to it. Leaving it clean, etc, is going to be vitally important to making her feel like it's 'hers' as well as mine. Some individual storage areas would be nice, so you can sweep anything that is 'yours' away for the rest of the week if you're not bringing it back and forth. She is loathe to spend money on the place, so arguing for a dresser/storage/etc might be pretty hard.

Still trying to be a lighthouse. It's just so discouraging to see so little progress in several months. Gotta stay focused, continue GALing, and keep working on myself for me and the kids.


Me: Mid 40s W : Early 40s
M:11 T:13
S, D, both 7-10
BD : 11/2017
Separation : 1/18
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 191
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Subitai Offline OP
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Also, w regards to the weight loss... I have another 10-20 pounds of truly excess weight at a minimum, and I've joined a gym and been doing yoga/etc. I'm sure I've lost SOME muscle, but I'm not in starvation mode. At least not too badly. Still eating 2-3 meals plus a snack every day. I've always been bad with breakfast. Had a huge lunch today (burger, fries, beer) so that helps.

Waking up in a totally quiet apartment with no wife, no dogs, and no kids was insanely eerie.


Me: Mid 40s W : Early 40s
M:11 T:13
S, D, both 7-10
BD : 11/2017
Separation : 1/18
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 54
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Originally Posted By: Subitai
Divorce Diet update : 33 pounds.

My clothes don't fit right anymore.


I am always interested to see how this relates to your overall weight relatively. If you started out at 100lbs, thats very worrying!


In the year prior to BD, I cut out sugar from my intake (well... mostly, ha) and I lost about 10% of my starting weight. I was slightly above average in weight, but nothing that I would be described as obese to start with or anything like that. In the 2 months post BD, I have lost another 10% of original weight. I now fit pants that I wore 10+ years ago.



Originally Posted By: Subitai
She is loathe to spend money on the place, so arguing for a dresser/storage/etc might be pretty hard.



A few options for you maybe, depending on what region you live in:

1) Check used places for furniture, IE craiglist etc. You can be flexible in the piece, so hit some people at 50%+ off what they are asking. If you message 50 people, you only need one to say yes.
2) Ikea has some surprisingly low prices on items, if you have one nearby it may be worth a stop. Depending on what you pick, it may last a while or it may fall apart - so be sure to check it out well.
3) If you have a guest bedroom etc in your house, you may be able to take a few items from there and re-purpose them at the apartment. My W basically took the guest bed, guest dresser, and guestroom TV. There were a few other random small furniture pieces like end tables etc that we had around the house - one from each room type of thing. I had a small sofa in my office that was rarely used, that is now in her living room. She bought a pot and pan set and a coffee table to complete the place. My house does feel a bit empty here and there, but not overly so. Depending on your situation with the kids, that may not be a great idea to start moving out pieces.

Also, keep in mind, if you buy anything now and then end up not needing the apartment, you can always sell the items second hand to recoup some of what you spent.


Me: 28
W: 28
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Together: 10 years
Married: 3 years
ILYBIDLY: 11/2/17
She moved out: 11/15/17
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Apparently I am not as good at detaching and DBing as I should be. At DC, wife brought up how hard it was telling the kids because I basically badgered her about if she was sure, absolutely sure she wanted this before we told the kids, making her feel like she had to defend herself all over again. Ugh. Well, what's done is done. Also, at DC I got the equivalent of IDLY. She said what was the other option to divorce? Stay married when she doesn't have those feelings for me anymore? She didn't say IDLY, but the effect was the same. A gut punch for sure. I had, in my head, been believing she still loved me, but just didn't think I could change, and all my 180s would save the day. Those feelings are completely gone, though. Time to refocus on DB, working on me for me, and working on my relationship with the kids.

The grind, it keeps on grinding.


Me: Mid 40s W : Early 40s
M:11 T:13
S, D, both 7-10
BD : 11/2017
Separation : 1/18
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
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Originally Posted By: Subitai
Also, at DC I got the equivalent of IDLY. She said what was the other option to divorce? Stay married when she doesn't have those feelings for me anymore? She didn't say IDLY, but the effect was the same. A gut punch for sure. I had, in my head, been believing she still loved me, but just didn't think I could change, and all my 180s would save the day. Those feelings are completely gone, though.


^^^This is all script. It is totally normal. The only difference is your perception. You're still clinging to the hope that this is all temporary and if you just say or do the right thing then all will go right back to normal. But that is not how this works. She is DONE, make no mistake about it. You have got to leave her alone and work on YOU. You've got to give her LOTS of time and space to sort things out on her own. When she does she may very well change her mind about the M, but that is months down the road, maybe even a year or more. You are still doing things to try and save the M instead of saving yourself. Work on you first, then maybe the M will follow.

You mentioned earlier that a 180 is sharing your feelings with her. SHE DOESN'T CARE about your feelings right now. That is not a 180 she wants. If SHE shares feelings with you, that's great, you listen and validate. THAT would be a good 180. But don't share your feelings with her, she's likely to think "here he goes, he just thinks everything is all about him."


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Originally Posted By: AnotherStander

You mentioned earlier that a 180 is sharing your feelings with her. SHE DOESN'T CARE about your feelings right now. That is not a 180 she wants. If SHE shares feelings with you, that's great, you listen and validate. THAT would be a good 180. But don't share your feelings with her, she's likely to think "here he goes, he just thinks everything is all about him."


This. I need to be so much better at this.


Me: Mid 40s W : Early 40s
M:11 T:13
S, D, both 7-10
BD : 11/2017
Separation : 1/18
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