New LBS dealing with WW Part 3

[Joe2017]

Previous thread here: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2771249#Post2771249

In the previous thread, Vanilla asked me if I want R with a new W and Joe2018. I'm not sure what you mean, V. Do you mean recon with my current W? Or starting a new relationship with a different woman?

Anyhow. Today is the first day I've woken up and felt partially like myself. I'm sure the moment is coming when I get dragged down into the darkness again but I'm going to keep trying to stay positive. Not about recon, not about my WW, but I'm trying to stay positive about the direction of my life and how it relates to my kid.

I am planning on taking a divorce recovery class to deal with my emotions. It has been a rollercoaster.

Today is day 3 of no contact from WW. I am not sure how I should interpret the silence from her. She is probably just busy getting it on with some OM, who I'm sure she is spending NYE with. But that is all just pure jealous speculation on my part. I have not been keeping up with her comings or goings for three weeks now, despite her constant paranoid claims that I am spying on her.

I am about to start a new life. She can come along with me if she is willing to R and do the hard work. Otherwise, I will be getting a D and moving on without her. She already filed the paperwork, so now I just have to decide if I want my attorney to take things slow or move as fast as possible. Either way it's a done deal unless WW stops the process.

I feel like I'm doing a decent job of GAL. Physically, I can already tell a marked difference in my appearance from the work I've been doing. I'm back to my boot camp weight. Professionally, my career is doing well and I'm on track for great things. Mentally, I'm still working on recovery. My emotional needs are definitely not being met at all. I have a ways to go before I am over this situation. I still have moments of unfounded fear, which I'm told is part of PTSD. That [censored], and is very scary.

I have been thinking about what Sandi said about WW losing respect for me. I think it started when I got this new job sitting behind a desk, instead of being active on duty. I do not know what it will take to get her respect back. I am at a loss there, because I am never going back to the military. I haven't had a drop in career confidence, and she knows my job is going really well. I worked hard to get where I am professionally and I will not give that up for anyone because it is how I am going to support my kid.

Gaining back her respect is a tough one to strategize. I don't know what it will take.

[Joe2017]

Today has me thinking about my wife's faith. She has always been a Christian as long as I've known her and I know she is not attending church services anymore. I know her guilt must be destroying her internally, but she is rationalizing it somehow.

Sandi, you mentioned in another thread that your faith was a big part of your life before the A. How did it relate to your R and how did you justify your actions? I am just trying to gain some insight into a huge part of my WW's life that she seems to have abandoned.

We would normally be headed to church as a family today, but now it's just me and my boy. Got me thinking, that's all. I know her faith is was of the cornerstones of her life, and she kicked that aside just like she did me and my son.

[Gordie]

Joe2017,

Interesting q about faith. My stbx was a real life church lady. She stopped going when she got involved in her current affair. These days the affair is still going strong and she has returned to church. I would think it would be difficult to go to church and then spend the day with your affair partner, but as has been pointed out to me many times, that would be too logical. So don’t assume she’s not going or that she is filled with guilt. Maybe she is filled with guilt. Maybe she doesn’t feel guilty at all.

What is important is that you and your boy are the family now...without the w. My d was crying about her absent mother and her lack of family...and I just reassured her that I loved her and that we are still a family...without her mother. Happy new year!

[Joe2017]

Yeah I think it's safe to assume I cannot understand how her mind works at this point. There just isn't any logic to anything she does so no sense in trying to figure it out. WW is not W. Different person now.

[sandi2]

I am about to start a new life. She can come along with me if she is willing to R and do the hard work.

That's the spirit! No need to tell her those words. Just let her do her own thing, while you are becoming the best possible version of Joe.

Otherwise, I will be getting a D and moving on without her. She already filed the paperwork, so now I just have to decide if I want my attorney to take things slow or move as fast as possible. Either way it's a done deal unless WW stops the process.

Whether you rush or drag it out, is your decision. One thing I want to point out is to not look at getting a D as your escape from a bad situation. I think you will discover that you will have to deal with the same feelings, and maybe some new ones. Going to a divorce recovery class, and doing whatever helps the PTSD, to help you cope/heal is an excellent move. Even tough guys need help with these type of issues. Giving yourself healing time and following a plan that guides through the process, is smart.

I have been thinking about what Sandi said about WW losing respect for me. I think it started when I got this new job sitting behind a desk, instead of being active on duty. I do not know what it will take to get her respect back. I am at a loss there, because I am never going back to the military. I haven't had a drop in career confidence, and she knows my job is going really well. I worked hard to get where I am professionally and I will not give that up for anyone because it is how I am going to support my kid.

I suppose only she could tell you if that had something to do with the respect factor. Perhaps it was the "image" you portrayed when in active duty. She may have been more attracted to that image than the one you have on a desk job. Maybe she saw you more masculine, driven, more dominant.

When I was writing this rely, I had the thought of starting a new thread about the things that cause women to lose respect and attraction for their H. So, I paused submitting this post long enough to start another topic. I have to do it while it's on my brain, least I'll forget.

Anyway, it's titled Sandi's Reflections - Part 2, if you want to review it.

[Joe2017]

So I read the post and it was a great list of things that can go wrong.

For me it might have been my struggle with taking control of every situation. She's such a controlling person that she would turn my decisions into arguments. When we would finally come to an understanding of that dynamic, she would say that she understands and will work on it. That didn't really get worked on, despite counseling. It would happen over and over, and then she would tell me I don't make any of the important decisions yet never relinquish any control over situations when I did try to take control. It was a constant cycle that I couldn't break, so I guess at some point I got tired of fighting. Maybe she viewed that as me being less dominant.

Who knows. Everything else I'm pretty strong on. Career is strong, parenting is strong, no weird emotional crap (until now), not a mamas boy, not lazy with yardwork and not a househusband inside, etc. No addictions, no drugs, no extramarital things. Emotionally available but not a nice guy. I wasn't a fat slob.

I dunno. Who knows. Not sure it makes a difference now.

[sandi2]

For me it might have been my struggle with taking control of every situation. She's such a controlling person that she would turn my decisions into arguments.

Well, I wasn't referring to the H dealing with a controlling W. If your W is the control freak, and you were trying to take some of her control away.....then that's closer to the issue, IMHO. It can become a impasse.

[TBSakaJ9]

JJ....show her a happy, strong, confident and emotionally stable person who in the face of adversity doesn't waiver......that is how you can start to earn respect back. Essentially you have to start from square one and build up the attraction all over again. She needs to start to see you in a different light that is how you flip the script. The stronger you get the weaker she gets and you are no longer scared by D. Lovingly detach, don't make it punitivenor out of spite/anger.

[Joe2017]

So, today is the fourth day in a row that she has not contacted me at all since I started NC. What are the most likely reasons for this? The last contact I had from her was a long angry email where she was clearly out of control, and then a neutral email about paying bills. I know this NYE she was probably out on the town with some OM, but again. That's just me being jealous.

Joseph:
I do plan on all of those things. The past couple weeks of NC has given me a lot of insight into this situation. I feel like it will be a volatile return to my home so I am going to be very careful not to stir the pot. She is very likely going to have a moment when she tries to yell at me and blame me for all of her problems. That's going to be difficult, but I think I'm ready for it.

Poker face. She's a check out clerk. Polite but impersonal. Detached, but from a good place in my heart.

[Joe2017]

Well, I wasn't referring to the H dealing with a controlling W. If your W is the control freak, and you were trying to take some of her control away.....then that's closer to the issue, IMHO. It can become a impasse.

She did mention some crap about me being too selfless and putting her and the kids ahead of myself too much. I dunno. I never really did that to the point of being detrimental. Whenever I wanted something I'd get it. I never deprived myself.

I think it may just be another excuse.