Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 10 1 2 3 9 10
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
M
mleigh4 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2722295#Post2722295

Happy New Year friends, I hope you all survived the emotional roller coaster this time of year can bring.

My holidays had ups and downs, lots going on and not sure where to start. I will say that I am so grateful the holidays are over! I also am very ready for change in this new year and have taken the bull by the horns.

Let me start with a quick blip into the life of MIL. Not to gossip, but for a glimpse into someone H is very much like, and why relationships that start with affairs rarely last. For background, she had an EA while married to H dad, ended up divorcing him to be with OM. They have been married now about 20 years. For the last 10, they have grown apart. For the last couple of years, they live in separate bedrooms and live separate lives. She has voiced that she is very unhappy, but does not want to "deal with" another divorce. This would be number 3. So real quick, her birthday was in December, H and his sister's took her out to brunch. SIL did not invite her husband, she invited FIL instead as a surprise. She had a wonderful birthday brunch with her original family and took lots of pics. Current husband found out and was very hurt, is accusing her of having an affair with FIL. In fact, he has been accusing her of an affair for quite sometime. To make things worse, they got in a fight on Christmas, and where did she decide to spend the day? At FIL with her kids! Things blew up, she was blocking her bedroom door at night out of fear, and finally left to stay with a friend. Can you imagine going through this in your 70's?? It's a sad situation, but brought on by secrets, lack of communication, avoiding issues instead of facing them, and not owning up to her own choices and mistakes. She blames it all on her husband. This family is more dysfunctional than I ever knew.

On to my Christmas. On Christmas Eve, H, son and I spent time at MIL. I visited with both of H sisters, his nieces and nephews. They all welcomed me with warm hugs and I enjoyed seeing them since it is so rare. SIL shared how she was feeling about her mom's marriage drama and how much she disliked her husband and their situation. I don't think the kids ever fully healed from her affair and the divorce..... obviously. Around 7:00, S and I went home and H went to his home to wrap presents and come to my place after. He has done this the last 3 years so he can wake up with S on Christmas morning. He was sick this year but felt well enough to come over.

I fell asleep on the couch and woke up at 11:30, no word from H. I thought, with him being sick, he may have fell asleep, and probably should just stay home at this point since it was late and I really didn't want his germs in the house. I texted him that we were going to bed and locking up the house, and since he isn't feeling well, to just stay home and we will wait for him in the morning before doing any gifts. H took this in a very bad way! He texted and called, ripped me apart, called me passive aggressive, yelled that I was keeping him from his S...He sounded crazy. I had to hang up on him twice. It was all really out of character for him, so I did by best to blow it off. I got very little sleep and have never dreaded Christmas day like I did that night.

He showed up at 8 am looking and sounding like death. He gave me a dirty look and proceeded to bring in his gifts while S was still sleeping. I later found my stocking thrown aside, he replaced it with a 2nd stocking for S. We were able to be cordial and friendly for S sake, had breakfast, opened gifts, and got through the morning. I wasn't expecting much for gifts, but H did bring me a few. I would bet money he left some behind though! S and I got H some thoughtful gifts, and at the point of him opening a canvas pic I had done of H and S goofing around on our last snow trip, he looked a bit sheepish about his behavior. He said being sick has made him a bit grumpy. No kidding! H left about 11 that morning, I disinfected the house, and S and I enjoyed the rest of the day and night watching movies and relaxing. I told H to let us know if he needed anything.

I have not changed my mind about insisting on change, as I shared in my last post. I will not spend another year in limbo. I found myself these past few weeks wanting to move forward with my plans, but bit my lip until Christmas passed. A few days after, I approached H again about it. I asked him if he had thought any about what we talked about. He said, I guess we have to decide which method to use, paralegal or attorneys, he said it's up to me. He said it's up to what I want, that I can have whatever I want, he doesn't want to fight.

I told him, I want him to say he doesn't want this, but if he can't do that, then we need to move forward. He was quiet. I said ok, so can I give you some paperwork? Wait here. I ran upstairs and he yelled out at me, that I sure seem like I know what I want!! In a mad way. Does he make any sense!?!

So I had some handouts that I had pulled up, a step by step list of the steps of divorce. I gave it to him and said it will be helpful to know what to expect. We chatted a little more, him saying he wants me and S to stay in the house, he is open to child support and alimony. He said he just wants to make sure we are taken care of. I am thinking, is this coming from guilt or is he dying?? But kept my mouth shut. At one point, he asked me, do you really know what you want? I said yes, I have for the last 4 years. He looked exasperated, was quite, then looked at me and said, we just have too many differences. I said ok, that's fine, he feels what he feels, and I intend to be fair through this process.

New Years Eve was quiet. S and I celebrated at home, we did not hear from H the entire weekend. I saw him the day after and he was grey in color and looked about 60 years old, just horrible. Ends up he had an ear and sinus infection.

I took the last few days off while S is out of school. I have used the time to move forward on this. I almost feel like I can't make it happen fast enough, which is very different for me. Fear has been replaced by anticipation. I don't want to rush it though, and I want things handled right. So I have been doing tons of research and spoke with 2 paralegals. Since H and I are in agreement with no disputes, this should be the inexpensive way to go. They will calculate what each of us are entitled to and we can decide what we want. They will take care of all the paperwork, and if needed, we can have an attorney review before finalising. I provided H with all this info.

I also spoke to a CPA and was advised to file our taxes separately. Yippee!!! No more doing H taxes for him. It will actually benefit us both and I was kind enough to schedule an appt for both of us to have our taxes done, but then he is on his own! He thanked me and agreed to the appt, but he did ask me if maybe I could do the separate taxes myself? I told him no, having never done it where write offs are split, I want the CPA to do my taxes this year to make sure it's done right, but he can do his taxes however he wishes. He said he will keep the tax appt.

I'm not sure he knows what has hit him! Reality? The real world? It's all new for me too but my mindset is fully on breaking away from this situation and starting a new life beginning with continued healing and self exploration. I am taking the weight off my shoulders as much as I can, and although it all cost money, I look forward to others handling things for me.

Once in a while, I have asked myself, M, are you sure you are ready for this? You can always continue to do nothing, we know H won't do anything... and I immediately feel anxiety. There is no longer anything in me to drag this out anymore. I want more than anything to be free from this, free to move on. I will say, I'm not sure this is my answer to do that, but I do think it's a big start.

So that's my update. I feel a little melancholy but overall I am feeling ok. I am taking lots of time to have quiet time to think. I am walking a lot and eating well, making sure to take care of myself, even if I have to force it.

Bttrfly, HW and Job, my amazing friends, thank you for your concerns and support.

We have a snow trip in Feb. and H still plans on coming. I booked a beach house in April and am counting the days for that. My goal is to take one step at a time, decide which paralegal to use, keep the peace for S, and continue to take care of myself. 2018 will be my year for change and I feel good about it.

Hugs to everyone
M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,979
Likes: 33
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,979
Likes: 33
Your strength is admirable. I have read so many times that you know when you are done, and it truly sounds like you are getting there.

As a lawyer, I'm a little intrigued (and concerned for you) with the potential for a paralegal completing paperwork that is not reviewed by an attorney. I am licensed in 4 states and a national tribunal. In none of those states would this arrangement be allowed.

My suggestion, although not something that was solicited, would be to hire a financial mediator since it sounds like this is largely a property matter at this point (although your son is young enough that if you guys are not in agreement on custody issues--time, dates, third party introductions, holidays, etc. it would behoove you to discuss those issues with an attorney).

Good luck to you with whatever you decide.

Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
M
mleigh4 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
Hi ownit, thank you for stopping by. I was told by both paralegals that they work with attorneys who review the paperwork to make sure it's right. One of them has an attorney that H and I can see together to go over assets. I was told we also have the option to hire our own attorney to review. Custody will stay the same. H is allowing S and I to live in the house until he completes high school, then we go from there. I was told this can all be drawn up in the paperwork as long as we agree, and verbally so far we do. My understanding is that mediation is only needed if we don't agree on things. Does that sound about right?


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,979
Likes: 33
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,979
Likes: 33
In terms of general mediation, I am not a fan. If each side has the right lawyers you can get to the same place a lot cheaper without a mediator. I don't practice family law, but rather complex business disputes. A financial mediator just sits down and makes two columns. They assign time-values, etc. to the assets to make sure the parties are coming out as equal as possible.

I think if you have a straight-forward custody situation, which it sounds like, and there are not a lot of assets, and the spouse is reasonable, then your approach should be fine. If the spouse is disordered, or the custody is hairy (for example in my situation I have no problem with my D making her own decisions regarding seeing her father, meeting his friends, etc. but my S has some emotional issues that will make me fight to death to keep him away from H's home, friends, and family until after his 18th birthday), or there are significant assets, then you need more than what you are proposing.

Paralegals do not receive significant training, and unless the attorney overseeing them is actively engaged in the process and asking the right questions to ensure that the paralegal hasn't missed anything, then it can be a dangerous situation if there are any quirks to the case.

You know your situation and your spouse best. I am no fan of churning cash on any kind of case, but I do think working with a competent CPA and each of you having your own counsel (preferably ones that are trained collaboratively, though I wouldn't pay the costs associated with a collaborative divorce in a more straight-forward situation) can lead you to a fair, quick, and reasonable resolution. You might check the American College of Matrimonial Lawyers for someone in your area, or call your state bar and see if they offer a family law certification. What you want is someone who only does family law, isn't too recently out of school, isn't too old, and doesn't sell you on a senior partner overseeing a younger counsel (that's how you get billed to death while the junior usually handles the case).

Find a mid-range lawyer in a good, but not fancy firm, that takes a collaborative approach. My two best friends are divorce lawyers in different states. There are lots of these types of people in the practice area.

Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
Mleigh, you are so right about the emotional rollercoaster this time a year… I was trying to stay positive, but still had some sad moments… especially after seeing H again.

It seems like you are pretty sure about what you want. Enough is enough. I feel like I’m coming to the same conclusion… In a sense, our Hs are similar in terms of doing nothing to exit out of relationship completely. I feel like I am the one to make that final decision….

Mleigh, you deserve better than this. Being in limbo for so long with no signs of any movements from the other side is exhausting. And, being the optimist as I am, this is not the end of it. You are doing what is best for you, giving yourself a clean slate. Who knows what happens in the future. Your H might just have a rude awakening and become a changed man overnight… Yes… this is me being an incorrigible optimist again, LOL. It could be too late though…

Mleigh, you are amazing! This is not an easy process, I still dread it. Take care of yourself.

Last edited by job; 01/06/18 01:32 AM. Reason: added spaces between paragraphs

M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
I am so sorry about the drama that went on over the Christmas holidays. For some reason, some people tend to get very emotional this time of year and boy do they go off in various directions. Now, you have a clearer picture of what really happened to your h's family and why some of his actions reflect that time from long ago.

I think you are in a good place. You've had plenty of time to think about what you want for you and your son. You are doing this from a place of understanding as to what needs to take place and not from a place of anger...you are a strong woman and I know you will do whatever is necessary to ensure that your h is still in your son's life.

Do not be surprised if your h realizes at the last minute what all a divorce will mean. Some do tend to begin the awakening when the divorce happens or soon thereafter. I hope, for his sake, he gets his life together and find that illusive happiness he's been searching for. He's been stuck in limbo for a very long time and nothing has shaken him to move an inch forward. This just might do it...but if it does, it may have come too late...but who knows what will happen in the future...

The new year is going to bring many changes for you and your family...but I also think the next chapter of your life's book is waiting for you to write it and I can't wait to read the next chapter.

Mleigh, you've done all you can to save your marriage. It's time to focus on you and your son. It's time to focus on the present and hopefully, the future (down the road).


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
Honey you are doing exactly the right thing for this time of year: going inward, reflecting, deciding what to keep and what no longer serves you.

You didn't come to this place quickly. You didn't want to be here at all. It's time to move forward.

xoxoxoxo
{{{{{MLeigh}}}}}


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Hi Mleigh, wow I'm sorry to read about your ups and downs this Xmas and that was a fascinating tale about MIL too. It is funny how FIL has become so much more appealing again as the years have passed. She may well wish that she never did what she did now.

As for moving forward with things, you sound peaceful and steady about what you want and I think that is fair enough. I have only ever known you to think carefully about things and try and operate from a place of kindness and integrity.

The main thing is to be at peace with how things are unfolding and your part in that and it sounds as though you very much are.

Xxx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
Sorry to hear about some of the tough times you had this holiday season. But it also sounds like you're coming to a place of greater peace. You sound strong and very calm.

And with distance it must be very interesting to see all the family dynamics at work. Your MIL's life sounds exhausting. I can't help but think she is reaping what she has sown.

Thanks for posting as I think of you often.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
Mleigh just wanted to offer my support. I wish I had some sage advice but you sound like you are doing exactly what you need to do...for you.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
Good for you M .... I would imagine dude is wondering wtf is going on as his applecart was just flipped after 4 years of sitting there with no movement.

I think in sitches like this the LBS knows when its time and in your case its time. There was just nothing moving but the moss growing on his north side and I honestly think you would be doing this till your son had his degree if nothing happened.

Cheers to your new year!


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 1,065
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 1,065
Hey Mleigh, just popping in to see how you are doing.

You have been at this for a long time and have fought a good fight. It's hard to fight for something with someone who is stuck in one place. The sentence he keeps repeating about things will be the same if you reconcile is getting pretty old. If he wants things to change then he needs to be the change. He is looking to you to fix everything with your magic wand!

Hugs (((Mleigh)))

Last edited by job; 01/10/18 10:13 AM. Reason: edited a word for poster

Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 151
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 151
Not having a history on your sitch, I just wanted to chime in and say that you sound like you're at peace with your decision and it's a full yes. I hope this new year brings you the future you deserve.


BD#1: "marriage is over" 9/14/2016
H in basement 24/7 with EX/OM
BD#2: 3/20/2017 I plan to move out "soon" I LRT
me: 42, H, 41, EX/OM, 37
D 10, Son 7
M to H = 20 years
EX/OM moved in 10 years ago
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
M
mleigh4 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
Hey everyone, thank you so much for your presence and support. Cali, I burst out laughing at your Apple cart description, just so true!

I am still reeling from catching up on HaWho!

Ok, Well this week continued to be busy for me. I am on H USAA car insurance policy. I found out, as his spouse, I am a member for life after divorce, and split off into my own insurance policy! I was so worried about losing their great rates and benefits, another weight off my shoulder. I can't describe the joy in separating myself from him one step at a time.

Had a heart to heart with MIL! So her H went on a month long road trip. They are taking the break to decide what to do about their marriage. She is pretty sure they will divorce and is getting her ducks in a row. I took this opportunity to let her know I am going to file myself. I was very careful about anything I said, and let her know I was respectful of her being H mom in this situation. I did tell her though,that I resented the fact that I had to be the one to make the decision and will now be doing the work. Right away she said I should insist that H do this, since he is the one refusing to work on the marriage. I just laughed, told her I have several times and nothing happens. She was very confused by that, said she doesn't understand, is he happy living in limbo?? I told her, I believe he is happy being on his own, that I don't think it's about another person (which she agreed, said she always looks for a sign in his home and has seen nothing) and I don't think he is trying to be cruel, that I think he just simply isn't capable of handling the emotional and physical steps to make this happen. She apologized! She actually apologized, said she was sorry for her son's behavior and never raised him to be this way. I told her I appreciated that, but at this point, you really can't blame the parents as H is a grown 45 year old man and is making his own choices.

She suggested that she would tell S that he should be the one to do this. I told her no, at this point, I am ready and willing to handle this. I didnt share this with her, but between us here, I actually WANT to be the one to do this, for me, for a step towards my freedom from him. I feel empowered now by doing this step. Again, fear is gone. Now it's just about me and taking care of this. MIL also compared where she was at in D with H dad, and D now. She confessed that she had so many regrets with H dad, and wished she had handled things differently instead of rushing the divorce. She said this time, she has given it time and thought, and is going into it with peace. I told her, I know exactly how you feel. We hugged, with a toast to our new year and new lives. I have to chuckle, we have come far in our relationship.

H and I both attended an award ceremony for S on Friday morning. I had meant to bring H a bear claw from work and forgot, so he followed me to my office to get one! Our sitch is so strange, isn't it? I have to laugh, but hope this peace and friendship stays throughout the divorce.

I gave H all the divorce info and have gotten crickets, which was expected. I have chosen who I will work with, so next step is consult appt. Now I need advise. ..wait until after our snow trip in Feb? Or maybe consult but don't file until after snow trip? Just seems it may make it awkward....

Everything going smooth here, now back to catching up. Wishing us all a nice night.
M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
Mleigh - I so understand you feeling the need to take the power back after so many years of patience. Funny thing is that I feel my power has been given back to me by my h filing. Being Catholic it takes the decision out of my hands and leave me no choice but to go forward. Gosh, if he slows down this process though, yikes ...

As for when to do it, do it like my h is doing it: text him 24/7 insisting he do the next step RIGHT NOW! Then send him nasty messages when he does not comply.

I understand the peace you feel. I am right there with you. I am very sad for my kids, but I loved your line that this is not what I wanted but we'll get through it as a family. So very dignified. I may steal that one.

Your h is not well. What a phenomenal waste of four years. It's quite frustrating to watch. So must wasted time.

I wish you continued peace and happiness in 2018.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
If I were in your shoes, I would do the consult before the trip and then filing upon your return. It's going to take a wile for all of the paper work to be completed and you would like to have some idea what will transpire.

You handled your meet up w/our MIL very well. Hopefully she won't say anything to your h about him doing the work. I understand your thoughts on doing it yourself and you will handle the process w/dignity and grace because that's the person you are.

As for the insurance, another positive for you and I'm sure you are happy to be able to keep the USAA insurance. They are a great company.


Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
M
mleigh4 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
Hi everyone,

HW, I have to say, I don't feel like the 4 years were a waste. Maybe they were for H, but for me, It gave me and S time to adjust to living the divorced life. It also gave me the time to get grounded, stronger and more emotionally ready for the next steps. I can look back with no regrets, no what if's. H being stuck was a gift for me, he on the other hand seems a bit off balance by the current changes.

Job, all my instincts say to wait until after the trip to file, but there are more changes now.....

I have an appt with a paralegal on Monday. It's a consult to see what the process would be. I was thinking this would be the easiest and cheapest way, since H and I seem to be in agreement about things, until we chatted today...

I let H know about the appt. He said he would take care of this if I want. (His mom must have said something) Sorry, but I laughed and said I want to make sure this just gets done. I also asked his opinion, do we file before or after the snow trip? H said it would probably be something hanging over us if we file before, but if I need to do this now, to do what I need to do. It turned into a conversation about assets, custody and child support. He feels what he pays each month, 1/2 the mortgage only, is good enough, since he is letting me live in the house. If I want support, then he would rather have more custody. And he doesn't feel like he should reimburse me for new carpet and landscaping I paid on my own because he doesn't get to live at home and enjoy it. Looks like things are sinking in and the truth is coming out! It wasn't a fight, we kept the conversation light, but it was an eye opener for me. Neither of us know much about our rights and we need guidance.

I will still meet with the paralegal for the consult and information, but I am now thinking mediation would be a better way to go. The downfalls are it's more expensive and there is nothing less than 40 minutes from home. The positive is that he will have to participate in this, it won't all be on me, that we will get clarification and guidance, and have someone with experience helping us through this. I want him to deal with every single step of this with me. No more taking the load, which I tend to do, to myself. I also tend to give in to avoid conflict, and I need to make sure I protect myself.

I drove away from his house feeling this huge weight on my shoulder, but mediation should take it all off my hands. I realize it makes much more sense. So I will keep appt with paralegal for myself. Then have H and I consult with mediator. Then go from there, whichever feels right.

The anxiety is back, upset stomach, some fear....I just keep telling myself, it will be ok. I can do this. And I definitely prefer this over another year in H la la land.

The stress is different now than BD. Back then, I turned to friends for distraction, wine for escape....now I am craving space for thinking and exercise for clarity. I just want to keep my mind clear and alert. It's a very different place for me, seems healthier.

So on a strange note, S brought home an essay from school. It talked about his winter vacation. He outlined that he spent part of it staying at his dad's house on certain days, and he put in parenthesis, no, his parents are not divorced. My stomach just sank when I read that. Then guilt....but then I wondered, does he even know what divorce is or what it means? I took the opportunity to talk with him about it. I let him know divorce means different things for different families. I told him, in our situation, nothing much would change, that it wouldn't be much different then now, just that mommy and daddy would no longer be married to each other. My goal was to assure him that things would be the same as they are now. I also explained that me and daddy are friends, and plan to stay that way no matter what happens. I didn't tell him it is happening, but I did tell him that daddy and I are talking to decide what to do, as marriage should not be like this. He said he understood. I also gave H a heads up about the talk.

Last Monday, I got a text from FIL asking if we were still on for that night. Apparently H planned on us getting together at my home with his dad to exchange Christmas gifts, but he forgot to tell me. His mind amazes me. The night went well, but H was extremely distracted. He was on his phone the entire time and oblivious of conversation. I couldn't believe his dad ignored his behavior, he said nothing. At one point, H went outside to load presents. After about 5 minutes of the front door being left open in 50 degree weather, I went out to check on H and he jumped and almost dropped his phone trying to shove it away. Suspicious?? Very. God what I would do to know what is really going on in his world. But better yet to just cut myself out of it. I can never be married to a man who hides things.

The next morning he messaged asking if his wallet was here, he lost it. Didn't surprise me, he was way scattered. Not sure if he ever found it, I never asked.

I have a Dr appt this week for a check up. My body is doing strange things. Not sure if it's stress, but want to rule out anything medical.

I also have a concert Friday night, and a massage tomorrow. Some fun and relaxation should help me to unwind.

Thanks for reading, your support helped me through some very tough times and I believe there are more to come. Wishing you all a good weekend.
M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
M
mleigh4 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
For those of you who know me, things sink in and I come back to post more!

I just want to add something that keeps coming back to me in my conversation with H today. When he was stating why he shouldn't have to pay child support, he said he is already losing so much time with S, that he rarely gets to see him, and he doesn't get to live in the house he owns....he said he is already losing so much, and now I want more money? He said why should he be the one to lose in every way?

I did tell him all of that is his choice, not mine. He started in again, said I am blaming him...So I stopped it there. I said let's not go here once again, I want more for my life and I deserve better than this.

I am trying to process this. Is he still not owning up to his choices? Is he still playing victim? Or is he starting to realize the reality of what has happened and what is happening? He is throwing me off with these pity party moments....I agree with him, he has lost everything, but isn't this what he wanted in exchange for his freedom??


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 1,065
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 1,065
Hey mleigh thanks for the update.

I am sorry to hear that you are having some health issues. I realise this is a different kind of stress to BD bur it still can't be much fun. Maybe there is something in getting everything over and done with straight away so not to prolong the agony but as you say these last four years have helped you grow and live as a divorced family so you are now ready to take the next step.

Your H's behaviour makes me wonder if he wants everything to stay just as it is because it is working for him? There was an old poster, I can't remember her name who lived on a farm and her H would come by every day to work on the farm. He had an OW who he would see every now and again but was very cold and dinstant towards his W. She off course was very in love with him and desperately wanted to reconcile but he refused. Then after a couple of years she started to get attention from a friend and decided to go through with the D. Well you could have knocked her down with a feather! Her H was shocked and begged and pleaded with her not to go through with it because he thought they could continue to carry on the way they were because it was working for HIM! Needless to say she had enough and continued with the D. I think you are right, your H is starting to realise his much he will lose in this divorce...

(((mleigh)))


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Hi Mleigh, sorry to hear about your medical symptoms. Hopefully a consultation will bring some clarity and reassurance for you. It is a stressful time - even if a different kind of stress - and can upset our equilibrium.

In my situation, I found there was a disconnect between how my XH thought things would be divided in our D and how the law said they should be divided. It seemed to help having his L in the mix, because I think she gave him a reality check on how this would actually work. I wouldn't expect your H to be with you every step on the way in this. The most I would aim for is reasonable cooperation, with you (and you both if he chooses so) being supported by legal advisors.

Yes, maybe your H is casually seeing someone or maybe dabbling with OLD - who knows? But certainly suspicious behaviour from what you describe. I think the scattered thinking is common from what I read on the forums. My XH would sail past junctions he regularly took, just because he was 'elsewhere' in his mind.

I would just try and maintain a 'bigger picture' perspective here. You want to D, and maintain a reasonable relationship for your S's sake. You also want to achieve a fair division of marital assets and agree suitable financial arrangements going forwards.

I agree, that it is unlikely to be plain sailing, given that you already have differing views on how this should work. But if you aim for grace during the process yourself - even whilst standing up for what is fair - that is what I would go for...

Take care and I hope you feel better soon xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
echoing what Sotto said M xoxoxoxo love you. stay strong and focused.

I feel like this should be your mantra:
Originally Posted By: Sotto
You want to D, and maintain a reasonable relationship for your S's sake. You also want to achieve a fair division of marital assets and agree suitable financial arrangements going forwards.


good to get things checked out on the medical end! xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Glad to read that your have made a medical appointment. If your body is giving off vibes that something isn't right...you are doing the right thing to get checked out.

I think you'll get some answers to your questions tomorrow. Make a list of questions/concerns and take it w/you.

As for the home...is it in both names or just his? He definitely made his choice to move out and live in the "cabin". He could have returned home at any time. As for any expenses you incur repairing, replacing of carpet, appliances, etc., the court may look at it as routine maintenance and since he's helping to pay half the mortgage, you may not be able to ask for reimbursement since you are paying half as well. But check this out and definitely keep your receipts.

As for custody, I think he will be in for a surprise about rights and payments. From what you've posted, he pretty much gets to see his son quite often and the judicial system may not change that...but they may change the child support to what it should be in your state...which could be higher then what he's paying.

As the proceedings become a reality for him, you may discover that he's not going to go along w/what is proposed by you or the legal eagles. He's not going to want to do any of the work and most of these crisis people kick and scream all the way to the final paperwork signing.

I know you are concerned about all of this...but you will need to stay calm, maintain a reasonable relationship w/him, but you also want to keep a level head about the division of assets. One last thing, do not have any more discussions w/him about the division of assets until it's time to negotiate these things w/others in the room. The more you discuss them w/him, the more time he has in his lonely cabin to think about things, the more he'll dig his heels in.

As for being scatterbrained, this is very typical behavior for crisis people. You are the rational one in this relationship at the moment.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
M
mleigh4 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
Hi Coly, no doubt H wants things to stay as they are. He has been very content and this is upsetting his little world, but I don't think there is any thought of reconciliation in his mind, it's just convenience. This would go on for years more if I don't do something.

Sotto and Bttrfly, I love it. That is a perfect mantra and exactly what I want. I will put it on my phone and refer to it any time I feel unbalanced. What I meant about being with me every step of the way is, he will have to attend appointments and participate in the process. The paralegal said she could only talk to me.

Job, you are right, time to stop discussing things with him. It's becoming real for him and his tune is changing. Let me be clear, I get NO support from him. We bought the house together in 2002, both names on title and the loan. He has always paid 1/2 the mortgage and has continued to after moving out. As for S expenses, I charge them and we split the bill every month. All fair so far.

My point is I do have S more, therefore I am spending tons on grocerys. That kid eats like a horse! And I make his lunch for school most days. Daddy doesn't have what he likes, so he has me add to his lunches. It seems to me H should pitch in for this, in fact, according to the CA child support calculated, based on our incomes, H should be paying me $1000 a month. Now, not sure if that applies in our situation, but we will find that all out. We have been surviving fine, it's not something I will put up a stink about, it's just the principle.....

I want to D and maintain a reasonable relationship for S sake. I also want to achieve a fair division of marital assets and agree to suitable financial arrangements going forward.

I love it!! Xxoo

New day today, had a quiet night with lots of thinking and my mind feels clear. Keeping appointment tomorrow but not thinking it's going to work for us. I feel mediation is the way to go. I have a couple of contacts to call tomorrow.

Have a good Sunday
M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 574
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 574
Hi mleigh,

I really identify with what you posted:

Originally Posted By: mleigh
HW, I have to say, I don't feel like the 4 years were a waste. Maybe they were for H, but for me, It gave me and S time to adjust to living the divorced life. It also gave me the time to get grounded, stronger and more emotionally ready for the next steps. I can look back with no regrets, no what if's. H being stuck was a gift for me, he on the other hand seems a bit off balance by the current changes.


I also don't see the past (nearly) 4 years as a waste, it has given me time to adjust and my new life has now become my normal. We are told that time is our gift and at the time I did not understand that, but now I get it. I have changed for the better, I value myself these days which is something I never did before. I have learnt patience and how not to over react, or even react at all, these new skills and lessons I would not have gained had I not been through this experience.

Only my 2c but I I feel that your h has had this all his way, (whether he acknowledges it or not, as really I don't think he realizes that he is acting entitled) so when you mentioned d, he thought you would just agree to everything that he feels he is entitled to and that nothing would change, everything would stay the same as is it now. But what he didn't factor in is that you have changed, you are not the mleigh that he left, you are so much stronger and are acting from a clear head-space. You my friend are wise to the guilt trips your MLCer will pull on you to get his way, not so gullible these days .....he hasn't realized that .....yet .... I know you will get whats right and owing to you.

I hope your Dr can get to the bottom of your ailments, you are bound to be stressed during this time, hopefully its short lived symptoms and you feel better soon. Look after yourself through this time.

Lots of {{hugs}} to you

Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
I too hope your doctor can help with the issues you are having.

Just to clarify, when I stated that the last four years were a waste, I meant for your h not for you! He is still unwilling to grow and stretch. He complains about things that are well within his ability to improve and yet he just continues to play poor me.

I must say, as I go through the d process myself, don't underestimate the various tactics you will see. You don't divorce the same person you married.

Thinking of you.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
M M M mm M&M m

So catching up ... I feel like the ghost of Christmas future here in your sitch but wanted to toss my 2 pennies into the MLC-topic fountain

Quote:
HW, I have to say, I don't feel like the 4 years were a waste. Maybe they were for H, but for me, It gave me and S time to adjust to living the divorced life. It also gave me the time to get grounded, stronger and more emotionally ready for the next steps. I can look back with no regrets, no what if's. H being stuck was a gift for me, he on the other hand seems a bit off balance by the current changes.


I too never felt like it was a waste, hard .. yes, asked for no, appreciated after it was all said and done .. absolutely. Like you I am not so sure I would have changed and become who I am without this ... we did the mirror work all while still standing for the marriage, at the end of the day I can look at myself knowing I did all I could do and at some point you have to let the rope grow in hopes the MLCr will get out of the muck they seem to be trapped in.

You spoke of that weight being lifted, that's exactly how I felt later in the day that the D was final. I seriously felt 20 lbs lighter and here almost 2 weeks later I am finding I am happier now than I can recall being ... limbo free is not a bad place.

As far as the courts .. yep they toss in the amount he makes, the amount you make the only thing subtracted is medical and it spits out the number, you .... him... lawyers have no control over this, it is what it is and its not something the courts will adjust typically.

Division of assets however totally different story, in my sitch she took most the assets as I wanted S10's home life relatively unchanged and I just was certain I would save the marriage, that was not the case but honestly the things left I had long since replaced or really cared little for ... as far as the lawyers were concerned I wanted a 50-50 division so that worked in my favor settlement wise.

The remark where it was his choice, its not blaming him its simply a truth dart he dislikes .. tough ... same with my ex, she had in her head what the post D life would be and sadly it just does not match reality. This will be the case for your H as now the financial reality will set in and its not what he thinks it will be so I would suspect a few bits of reactions from him which in your sitch throughout the years has been far and few between.

The one thing I was told which stuck with me in all this was when you do finally settle, understand its not going to be what you want, nor what he wants but somewhere in between .. just get to a place where you can accept the final settlement and I am here to tell you things seem to open up and the rain stops and you can feel the sun on your face knowing you did it all the right way with no 'what if's'. I left a good chunk of short term money on the table but secured my long term and that's about all I could hope for.

As always .. you rock and will get through this.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
M
mleigh4 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
First off, I want to say this board and my friends here are by far the best therapy I have had throughout the last 4 years. The way I have been able to stay calm, clear and rational throughout the last few days is amazing based on who I was 4 years ago. Newbies, you are in a great place.

Lou! So great to hear from you! Sounds like you know my H very well! Reality is hitting, and he is panicking.

HW, thanks for the clarification, I thought that may have been what you meant. Lucky for us, their waste of time becomes a gift to us! I agree, H is far from the man I married.

Cali, thank you for sharing some of the CA divorce facts. All I know, is when I had a consult with a lawyer 3 years ago, she looked at the numbers and assured me I will be just fine. I am glad you feel happy with your settlement, I have a feeling mine may be similar.

So H has become like a wild animal backed into a corner. I let him know mediation sounds like a better way for us. He took that as I got some magical info to use against him, when in fact I find it more fair, but there goes the MLC paranoid mind. He asked to talk about splitting things on our own, I explained I think we need help with that and should only discuss things with a mediator. That set him off on a tangent again....He pays rent and mortgage, doesn't live in the house, doesn't have 50% custody, threatened me with that and selling the house....blah blah blah.

He blew up my phone while I was driving to drop of S. Without reading most of, I asked him when I got there, are you Ok? What is the matter and what set you off this time? Seems someone is feeding him info to protect himself and, from what it sounds like, talking him into not letting us stay in our home. I also think reality continues to sink in. He admitted it is scary and freaking him out.

Ha! Been there done that! How many times did I look into D, learn the facts, panic and put it off? Several times. Looks like H is living that fear now. Apparently in the last 4 years H has done no research on D and is now looking it square in the face.

I have to say, it's nice to see him go through what I did. In the meantime, I have way more knowledge of what to expect. As far as our home, I highly doubt he would force S out, but if he did, I have come up with so many options in my head to still keep S in his school with his friends, which is truly my only goal with the house. I am thinking calmly, clearly and without emotions getting in the way. I have all of you to thank for that.

I think I was able to calm down H tonight. It's his turn to do some research, get some facts, lose some sleep and have an upset stomach! The sad part is he really only sees how this is effecting himself. He even took a stab at my lower position at work that I chose to have more time for my family, and now he has to pay for that. I told him the fact he thinks a bigger paycheck is more important than being available for his son disgusts me. And I mean it, he disgusts me.

H brought every one of my fears to life. He went behind my back with my friend. He dropped me in 1 day, decided to no longer be married. He cut me out of his life, like I was nobody. He turned his back on me. He forced me and my son to be together part time. He caused so much emotional damage that has most certainly scarred me for life, and he is whining about what he is losing!? He continues to not realise he made this choice, and wants to treat me like I am doing this to him!? Like you said Lou, he is not dealing with the same Mleigh.

I have a rough road ahead, but I feel ready. Especially knowing you are all here for me.

Xxoo
M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
{{{{{{{MLeigh}}}}}}}
Right now all I have is hugs. I'll be back later when I'm more awake and have something helpful to say xoxoxoxo love you!


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Yep, he's reacting the same way that my xh did after I did what he wanted me to do...get a draft separation written up. I don't know what they expect us to do or what they think the legal system will or will not allow...but they really get smacked w/the hand of reality when it comes down to the separation of assets, custody, child/spousal support, etc. It's like they think that everything will continue as it has been and the only different is a piece of paper that states that they are divorced.

I think he is talking to someone at work or a friend and they are feeding him a line of BS. Maybe it's his mother chiming in when she needs to step aside and allow things to play out. Whoever is giving him advice isn't up on the laws. Sure he could force you to sell the home, but you could also refinance on your own and pay him off. That's what I did and I've never regretted that move.

I am going to say that your h is backed against the wall and never thought for one minute you would go through with a divorce. He knows that the last thread in the apron is getting snipped slowly but surely and he won't be able to come and go as he pleases in the home and the one thing...he knows that you will move on and possibly meet someone new.

In a way, I feel sorry for him. He's lived in La La Land for a few years and now...well, that little fantasy world is starting to crumble for him.

Continue as you have been and please try to avoid discussing the legalities of your situation w/him any more. It's creating more anxiety for him and he's going to come out swinging even more so. You don't need to hear it at this time. The place for that nonsense will be in an office w/a mediator and that mediator will be able to enlighten him w/what he can and can't do or get.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
Yep

That apple cart was knocked over, he has had things his way .... bachelor pad, his family still in the house where he left them where he can be involved when and if he wants and still have all that 'me' time to divulge into coloring in his cool coloring books.

I would imagine more outbursts from his as the reality and fear of the unknown begin to sink in, the train is leaving the station and he is just figuring that out.

I think like job said, he has been in LaLa land for so long this will come as quite a shock, seems the me me me chant is common as they realize the financials are not going to be what they are used to, mine too was all about the stuff and the checks and I was like you, more glad to be done with it but still a bit peeved I was losing time with my son for something out of my control. I have come to grips with this as I realized I am more involved and present in the time I have him than I was before BD, so its better to be 100% engaged 50% of the time than 25% engaged 100% of the time.

Hang in there and keep us posted ... you have this


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
I am brand new here, and I do feel it is a great place.

What an empowering post. You are so levelheaded, rational, and well thought out. I know you`re going to do great.


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
M
mleigh4 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
Hello friends,

Bttrfly, Cali, Job, Dnj, thanks for the support and feedback.

I'm feeling a bit frustrated. I have backed off since Monday with H and D. I have not brought it up so he can have some time to let things sink in. In the meantime, here I am ready to go forward with this, and once again, letting poor sensitive H have some space to adjust. I don't remember getting this courtesy at and after BD?

I had to see him yesterday to pick up S and he was skittish, keeping up conversation and not allowing any silence for me to bring up anything. I wonder if he has done one single thing to look into things to ease his worries?

How much time should I give before bringing it up?? Should I just wait until after snow trip in 3 weeks? I worry if I keep pushing it he will react in anger.

My biggest concern remains our home. Him going from allowing us to stay in the home until S finishes HS (7 years) and him saying he just wants to make sure S and I are taken care of......to selling the house and no more money makes me uncomfortable. Quite a flip when faced with reality.

I looked into rents around here, it runs about $1000 more than what our home costs. Job you mentioned buying out H but that would add about $2000k to the current loan amount, which I can't pay on my own. However I say this without really knowing what I would get with child support and alimony, which I would fully go after if he forces us out.

He would be so much better off letting things lay as they are. I would be so much more willing to negotiate. Sadly people are filling his head with thoughts that will destroy our friendship and the calm we have established.

I understand his wanting his equity now, but he has a daddy with money who I am sure would loan him money until pay back when house sells.

Do I keep all these thoughts and ideas to myself or do I bring this up? Keep any and all discussions to mediation? What if he drags his feet with agreeing to mediation? I struggle with that.

I just keep telling myself, it will be ok. Last resort, I let this keep riding out to keep things stable for S and I. It's a scary thought to stay in this limbo for years longer but I am actually considering that.....

I'm confused by his reactions guys....and I hear Job saying, sit quietly and the answers will come. So here I am again doing just that.

Wishing you all a nice weekend and strength, for myself too!

M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
{{{{{{mleigh}}}}}}}

In this stage of the game I fall back on the advice of our mediator: know what YOU want. You cannot negotiate with anyone unless you know what you want.

You want to stay in the house. Push for that. I wish we'd been able to do so. In my case I had to choose between son's school, the house, and the damage exh was willing to cause.

I wouldn't approach him. Let it all be done through mediation.

I'm not sure I would hold back, but you have to trust your instincts on that one. You know your stbx better than we do. Trust your gut.

Does this help?
xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
M
mleigh4 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
Yes that helps Bttrfly.

I want S and I to stay in our home for 7 more years. Not only for the sole purpose of keeping S in his schools, with his friends, but it's smarter financially for BOTH of us. H will be waiting on his equity, but otherwise would be paying and losing much more in the long run by pushing us out.

It would be a really dumb move on his part to push us out, but then we all know they are not in their smartest of minds these days!

Thank you sweetie and I have you in my prayers.

M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,979
Likes: 33
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,979
Likes: 33
mleigh,

I've made a different choice than a lot of folks here. Don't know if that is because I am a lawyer, or my lawyer, whom I like and respect is adamant on this point, but I have not filed for divorce.

My status quo is good. My H is thus far supporting us. We are still in our house. After pushing me to sell it supposedly because of the expense (but really because he wanted us to move near him) he freaked out when we were going to move away and said not to sell. I didn't ultimately because of S's school. So we are still in the house.

My son is a 9th grader and is attending a very good school. Our area is very expensive. The house has skyrocketed in value. I plan to stay here until son graduates and then move, when I can go anywhere I want.

I have big custody concerns with my son. The status quo is good for us there too. He is leaving us alone and not subjecting S to his crazy life.

Once S graduates, we have only a financial division. We have already split our possessions. We have a post nup that gives us each our own retirement (I have significantly more than him). I'm not going to contest giving him half of the sale of the house, so the only remaining issue is alimony. I have my own income, so whatever happens with that happens, but I am in the best state in the country in a long-term marriage and should be well-protected.

I guess what I am saying is that every situation is different. Limbo s*ucks and I frequently spazz out about it. But I am learning. I am using the next 3 years or so (until I put the house on the market) to work on me, on my business (I'm self-employed), and to enjoy my kids.

Forge your own path. Do what works for you. Try to live a life without regret (hard I know). So far, I'm pretty good on that score though.

Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
M
mleigh4 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
Hi ownit,

I appreciate hearing your story and status. It makes a lot of sense to me.

I came to this decision to divorce last year. Since bringing it up to H, thinking he would be all for it, I am starting to wonder if I poked a hornets nest. I too live in a very expensive area in the bay area, CA, and prices continue to surge. The thought of finding a new place to live terrifies me financially.

Life is good, S and I live in a beautiful home, S goes to a great school and is set to until graduation, I have money for fun and am still able to save, no issues with custody.....I just hate being married to H. Is that worth messing up all the above? I am rethinking that. In 7 years, I won't have the pressure of keeping us in our expensive neighborhood.

I guess once again I have the gift of time....but we will see what happens now that the hornets nest has been disturbed. I am feeling pretty confused so best not to take any further steps until I am sure what to do.

I am curious, are you holding off on divorce just until your son finishes school?

M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,979
Likes: 33
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,979
Likes: 33
mleigh,

I'm just taking it day by day. I have no control over him or what he does. Whether he pays or doesn't, whether he files or doesn't. I'd like to at least make it until S is enrolled in college for legal reasons, but only time will tell if I do. After that, who knows. As long as the status quo is ok for us, I will press on.

I really am caring less every single day what he does or doesn't do. My kids are my gauge. Now things are good and I can live with that for today. I no longer feel the need to control the outcome or white knuckle my way through life. I'm accepting those curve balls better every day.

I am even beginning to focus on the good that has come out of this situation. In my situation I've found that it is there if I look hard enough.

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
I would have the mediator do the negotiating. Trying to negotiate w/a MLCer is trying to pin down a moving target. One day, they will give it all to you and the next day threaten to take it all away if you don't do what they want. Please don't put yourself in a twist over trying to negotiate w/him. He will change his mind many times before the D is finalized. May I ask....why do you feel the need to continue negotiating w/your h? All it is going to do is make him angry and he will feel like he's being pushed into a corner and will come out swinging. This behavior will do nothing but make you more confused and second guess your decisions. Stick with the mediator and allow him/her to do the dirty work for you.

As for living in the home, if you like the area and it is located where you can take your son to school, then go for it. You won't know if this is doable until the day you both are at the table negotiating. Also, have you given any consideration to buying him out of the equity in the home after the divorce? Check into this. You may be able to afford a loan and with his child support be able to stay right where you are. I wouldn't do anything about the home, i.e., sell it, refinance, etc., until after the divorce. I would make the home part of the divorce settlement.

BTW, my xh wanted me to auction off all of the furniture and either sell or pay him off before the divorce. I kept all of the furniture and I have all of his tools, ladders, etc. At the time the divorce was signed and stamped, I was given 90 days to refinance or sell the home. I refinanced at a cheaper rate and I paid him off. He was so desperate to divorce me that I even negotiated right there in the waiting area of the courtroom for $10,000 of his IRA account and got it. So, things can change right up to the last minute.

All MLCers see is $$$$ and wanting to run. Their empathy chips are broken and will not realize until many years down the road after a divorce as to what they have lost. Mine asked for things from my home 3 years after the divorce...what did I do? Told him to go to KMart and get what he needed. LOL!

When you are in doubt, do nothing.


Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
M

Have to just love this Cali cost of living eh??

Negotiating with an MLCr is much like a terrorist hostage situation. Seems most of what I have read and what I experienced is the MLCr will sacrifice the long term money for a short term gain. In my case she flipped the years we claim our son gaining probably 5-7k but let go of my 401k that I could not jump fast enough on.

I agree they get people in their heads ... but I suspect his threats are empty and in reaction to things now not going his way ... that whole applecart thing again ya know? I would just keep gathering information so you can go from there. Truth is I would have preferred the life I had, nice house in a great area and now I am going to a condo in an area I most likely would have not looked into but tbh I would not change it, these are my choices and its my new life and this is the direction I did not ask for but I will embrace it and be thankful for the lessons.

Hang in there, do the research so you are well armed with the information that will help you maneuver through this.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
M
mleigh4 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
Hi Job. I can't afford to buy H out. We have way too much equity in our house, and prices continue to surge. When H and I talked before Christmas about the fact we should do something about our marriage, and I told him, all I want is S and I to stay in our home until he finishes high school, H fully agreed. That is when I decided divorce will be ok and I am ready. Now that he seems to be hesitating on that agreement, it's putting me right back into thinking do nothing and stay in our home. I still very much want to no longer be married to H, but if that means S and I are out of our home, that changes everything for me. With the cost of living here, I believe I would be worse off. It's not that I am negotiating with him, I am trying to establish his thoughts with the home to help me decide what I do. I will sacrifice anything for my son.

Cali, you bring a huge point in my thinking. The stories I have seen here with the D process and the MLC'ER makes me wonder, am I crazy to bring that on??? I forget sometimes that I am not dealing with a rational person. I truly thought after H and I discussed things so calmly and he was so caring, that this would be a no brainer smooth deal! Dumb dumb M! I too mostly think his threats are empty, but he gets in my head and installs that fear. Big bully. I am so proud of how you took your situation, dealt with it, and still made things work out for yourself. I am sure I will do the same. I will keep doing my research and wait for those answers.

I dropped off S to H tonight. He is back to sweet as pie. He even braved being alone with me for a few minutes! Looks like he has calmed down. My lips are sealed until after snow trip. I am going to sit quietly, gather info and give myself some space and time to think.

Hope you all have a good week.
M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
From what I can tell MLCrs surround themselves with people who give bad advice. Sadly this makes everything so much more heightened for all.

No one is at their best during a divorce / separation / period of negotiation.

I love that you are sitting quietly with this. May you find some inner peace with it all. The loving kindness meditation might help with this. xoxoxoxoxo hugs! {{{{{{{Mleigh}}}}}}}


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
M
mleigh4 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
Thank you Bttrfly ^^^

Hello everyone. I have been doing pretty good....I am a bit frustrated with myself though. It seems all I do is cycle through feelings at BD and how much I dislike H. I am constantly thinking about the things he has done, the pain he has brought to me and S, and how disgusted I am with his self absorbed choices. Add to that my disappoint in him for not being the man to love and protect his family, but to instead drop them for his own selfish needs. I'm not kidding, this is going through my mind 24/7 and it's driving me crazy!

I tell myself to stop, I try to distract myself, I tell myself I will never understand his choices and to accept that I have different values but then I find myself right back to H bashing in my mind.

I wonder if this is all coming up in lieu of D discussions? Maybe I had just buried this and not really dealt with it. Ugh I want it to stop. It's such a waste of energy and brain space, and I keep missing the moment. I want to just live for the moment. I hope to find a way to get this under control.

Snow trip with H is in 1 week. I am so looking forward to the time off and away! I also look forward to it being over so I can feel free to move forward with decisions about divorce. Part of me hopes H changes his mind about going, and part of me hopes we can go and bring some peace back between us.

Me and MIL continue to chat about our situations. Her H has now moved in with his son and refuses marriage counseling. She insists she can never live with him again unless he gets counseling. She was in a big rush to sell the house and get her own place, until she saw the reality of home prices around us. This has her panicked and not sure what to do. Welcome to my world!!! I told her just that, and gave her the advice I have been given here... Slow down, don't rush or try to control things you can't control, and let things have some time to play out. It intrigues me that she just had this blow up with her H at Christmas and she is rushing into all these big decisions.

It's a little weird talking with her, being that my situation revolves around her S. She voices her disappointment in him and encourages me to do what I need to be happy. She acknowledges that H gets stressed very easy, that she sees no sign of a woman in his house because she looks for it, she too doesn't understand his choices other than he found his previous life intolerable, (ouch) and that it seems me and H perceive our marriage and situation completely different. She says my H never talks to her about anything, that he is just like his father in that they are emotionally shallow and unable to get very deep. She said her and FIL did marriage counseling many times and that FIL just never "got it". He would tell her flat out, I don't get it. She even told me I need to free myself from this situation because I never know if Mr. Right may come into my life.

These talks with her have been quite fascinating, but I wonder if it's a good idea and if it might be part of my spinning. I will test it out and try to keep our conversations strictly about her and her situation. It's just hard to not want to dig into my H mother's mind in hope of some answers, you know!?

There again I go wanting answers. She told me point blank, I may never have my answers for what H has done and I need to find a way to be at peace with that. It's actually good advice coming from a woman I have wanted to blame for all of this for years.

Anyway, on a more positive note, overall life is good. S is doing well in his last year at elementary school. He begins middle school in August and they will have no after school care for him to go to. Good news financially! So he feels he is ready to be at home alone with dog for the hour I go back to work after picking him up from school. We have been practicing his being home alone for short periods and he is loving the independence. I was a latch key child myself and was very mature and responsible about it. I see the same in S. I am so proud of him and just amazed watching my little guy grow up.

The housing market here continues to boom. What was once a small town is now growing and improving and my work is picking back up to busy times. I have taken on more duties at work which equals more money and liking the padding in my budget.

I have had some fun outings with friends and continue to feel grateful for many things in my world. Spring already seems to be coming and I look forward to the transformation in my yard.

Life is good, I just need to work on getting control back with my thoughts. And I need to stop trying to figure out the "why". If only I could stop looking for answers.

M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 956
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 956
Hey Mleigh! You're post reminds me that yours was the first post in MLC land that I read and responded to, as I realized your situation (at the time) was so similar.

Like you, I still cycle through the same emotions I had at BD. I had a handle on them, and continue to do so off and on, but I'm studying therapy and everything I read resonates or makes me think about XH or my family. I also realize more the depth of his selfishness, which he admits to, and how dysfunctional our family life was because of it. Not always, but just enough that I can see the patterns and how they affected me and especially the kids. Right now, I refer to the welling up of intense emotions "detoxifying". They are just bubbling up all over the place. I deal with them as they come.

Another part of the reason your post struck a chord is that like your H, my XH supposedly doesn't talk to anyone about me or our situation. I know he tried to hide the fact that we are divorced from a lot of people. It is a sign of failure to him. Its shameful, and that is an emotion...he doesn't want to admit to those. One of my professors referred to people like them as "emotionally constipated". They have been taught to stuff those emotions for some reason, so they do...even if you slap them in the face with them or with yours. Its hard to understand how someone can do that, but they can. It just seeps out in wierd ways, like MLC actions.

You're doing great despite the cycling. Its just going to be frustrating and a bit sickenining while the detox happens, whether its from the D or talking with MIL. Keep living your life; you seem to be doing well with it!


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
M
mleigh4 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
Hi Ciluzen,

Good to hear from you! Detoxifying is a great way to look at it. I am doing my best to just feel it, talk it out in my head and then move on with my thoughts. I don't want to push them away in case they need to be dealt with. I just can't believe how often they are coming up. It used to be on and off here and there but it has become pretty constant.

I definitely believe my spinning is a combination of wanting a D, talking with MIL and our upcoming trip. It's just like around the holidays when I start feeling anxious.

Emotionally constipated is head on with my H. He has never been able to show emotions, comfort or have deep talks. I see it in his parents, a need to always appear happy and well to a point where it is fake. However, MIL has been in therapy on and off since I have known her, about 20 years, and she is becoming pretty open with me, which is refreshing because she was one of the fakest of them all.

Anyway, I will keep moving along and get through this. Our 18 year anniversary of getting together is coming up on Monday, along with the dreaded Valentines day on Wed. I hate that holiday!! Lol I think I should plan something special with S and my fur babies on those days like I usually do.

Have a great weekend
M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
M
mleigh4 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
Oh, something else I wanted to add in my talks with MIL. She has 3 children including H. She said when she decided to divorce their father, only 1 daughter was upset about it. She said H and his other sister seemed fine with it, they just "wanted her to be happy" she said.

I know from H brief talks about it that it was very painful for him. Does she really believe they were ok with her breaking up their family and breaking their dads heart to be with another man so she can "be happy"? And how can someone truly be happy after doing that and having to live with it?

It just sounds so much like what H has said to me so many times. He needed to do this because he was so unhappy.

I guess they tell themselves what they need to and believe it in order to do what they want. After over 20 years she still believes what she told herself.

Oh, and at another time, she was talking about her H and his issues and started to say that something must have to happen in their childhood that makes them this way, then she stopped, caught herself, was silent and changed the subject.

I wonder if our talks, and being in the situation she is in, has her doing some thinking about her son? Well, like I said, it's probably best not to talk about me and keep it about her. That's my goal.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
You are being given a very rare gift of actually getting info on what transpired in your h's young life.

I do think that your MIL is starting to see the light and coming to understand a bit of what is going on w/her son. She's doing a lot of soul searching within herself. It's best to listen and nod your head when you hear something that you know is correct. I wouldn't be too willing share much of what is going on w/you at the moment.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
M
mleigh4 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
I think your right Job. It has occurred to me that I AM getting some answers from her. It shows and confirms the example and thought process H grew up with. I know it won't change anything with H or our sitch, but maybe, hopefully it will give me some clarity and peace on "why" he is the way he is.

Very good advice, I will listen to her but not share.

Thank you Job, hope you are having a nice weekend smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Hello mleigh,

As I follow along with your sitch I feel for you. The cycling emotions all the time, the looking for answers, it is tough. You were the first person to comment on my sitch and show compassion and understanding of what I was going through. You and everyone else here has helped me tremendously, I am forever grateful. I do not have much advice, but I am here, I understand, and I care.

It is very interesting getting some answers and insights from when your h was young. That is indeed rare. I hope it brings some clarity.


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
Mleigh - Just want to say I am thinking of you. It is hard with so much uncertainty. Your h has seemed emotionally disconnected for a long, long time.

Yes, it may give some explanation as to your h's behavior. I guess the human mind wants to make sense of things. As my IC has told me, people who have toxic childhoods make decisions as adults to heal and rebuild or they flounder. We all make choices as adults. It might help to explain it can't excuse it.

As for your MIL, wow. It is a wake up call they we all need to do that inner work now, heal and strengthen ourselves so that when we are her age we have some peace. She sounds like she is in the exact same place she was in (several times) decades ago.

Take care of you and your son. Continue to find daily joy and gratitude. We will get to the other side of this.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
M
mleigh4 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
Hi DnJ, Thank you so much for your support. I continue to follow your thread and check in on you. You have some very experienced and wise people giving you advice, I am always so happy to see the support you are giving. I knew H family was messed up, but over the years it has become so much more clear. It's a shame only 1 out of his sibling group of 3 chose to break the cycle.

Hi HW, you are absolutely correct, there is no excuse for H behavior. He made his choices and will now live with them. I have always been a very curious person, always needing to know why, especially with people's behaviors. Isn't it just perfect I hooked up with a MLC'ER! Poor MIL is a mess, isn't she? I find it interesting for the first time she is on the other side of the fence. This time she was the one left, the one to be told she makes someone unhappy...I suppose that is why she comes to me for comfort as she knows I understand how she feels. It's pretty clear she is hurt, but she constantly labels her H a narcissist and blames him for this mess, not once have I heard her own up to a part in this. It's just all so sad.

H picked up S tonight. 50 degrees outside and he picked him up in his jeep with the top off. Says with the heater blasting, he will be fine. Then what's the point!?!? So Here I go running outside asking S if he wants his snow jacket! H looks at me like I'm crazy. I just don't get it!

Have a good night everyone smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
Mleigh,

Only you know what is best but as an outsider those conversations with MIL seem to make things worse for you. I know they would only make me think of my situation more and keep me spinning...which is the opposite of your stated goal.

When I feel that way, rather than spending time talking about my situation, I try to do something that requires no thinking or talking and just focuses me on other topics. This is not to sweep things under the rug but just to give me some time to rebalance myself.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
M
mleigh4 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
Thanks Gordie. Talks with MIL definitely get me spinning. Sadly, any kind of R talk with anyone gets me thinking of my own sitch. It's a combination of upcoming events too, but once those pass in the next couple of weeks, spinning should calm down.

Yesterday I did some deep focusing. I focused on my kitty's warm little body curled up with me, my dog laying by my side, my S chatting about his day and laughing together at our frozen lips while eating ice cream. I focused on how much I enjoy my job and my co-workers. I focused on the warmth, comfort and love in my home. It was a good day and a reminder of what is important in life, to be present.

Today, choose to give love and focus on the love around you!

M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
M
mleigh4 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
Hi friends,

I survived the family snow trip. I had booked it last year prior to feeling so done with everything. I was dreading it a bit and am really glad it is over. I think the stress wore me down because I have either really bad allergies or a cold!

Anyway, it went pretty good. H is still very self absorbed, but he did spend time with us and seemed to have fun. We went out to eat together and watched movies in a really cool theatre room that the house had. In fact, the downstairs basement was a bedroom, bathroom and dark windowless theatre room. H chose that room to stay in and spent a lot of time in there. He did not sleep with us like trips in the past. As expected, H disappeared down there a few times for hours, which S brought up. I asked him, does he do this at home with you? S said yes, he disappears into his room a lot.

At the beginning of the trip, S expressed that he wasn't very excited about it. I told him I was trying to create some memories for him with his mom and dad together. I guess he thought about that because he later told me he preferred the trips to be just me and him. One morning we woke up to it snowing. I got my phone and told S I was going to text daddy to look outside. He grabbed my phone and said no, he didn't want to wake daddy up. I said, he won't get mad. S said he just didn't want daddy to get up, and that is when he told me he doesn't need us all to go on trips together. I actually felt relieved by that. I told him I will not plan anymore trips all together unless he tells me different, he said ok.

We went to Lake Tahoe. It's where H and I fell in love and where we got married. This trip, I felt a sense of closure. I said goodbye to that chapter in my life, it's time to make new memories there in the future as I do really love the place. Seems me and S are in sync with that.

We are very glad to be back home. Kitty was mad at us for a few hours and stared us down with that really annoyed and irritated kitty look, but she is back to normal now. Dog seems exhausted from running around in the snow, she had a blast! H did pretty well but is still pretty withdrawn. He didn't seem as distracted, but clearly still needs his alone time, which I actually used as my own quiet time from his crazy land. I was able to see clearly so many of the changes in him from who he used to be, he hasn't changed much since BD. As for me, he treated me like a basic friend. He didn't offer to chip in for the rental or for all the food I brought, but he did drive, pay for gas, and took us to dinner one night. Yep, I am done with these trips, very much done. He kept talking about his work party that is coming up. He continues to be oblivious that I may not be as excited about it as he is, being that he is a married man running around like he is single.

Monday night we get our taxes done. It will be the first time since marriage that we are doing them separately. I am also a little nervous about how this will go.

Once that is done, I am ready to bring up mediation again and see where he now stands with that. It's a weird reality, to be a person so against divorce yet want it so much. I just don't see any other answer or better choice for myself any longer. What a crappy reality.

Now on to me. I am ready for some positive and supportive changes in my world to help me through this time. I am joining a separation/divorce group. They are mid session, so I am hoping to be able to join now instead of waiting for the program to start over. I also have reached out to some old friends that I miss. The friend I spend most of my time with likes to drink a lot and honestly, is a really terrible listener. I love her, but need more than that in my world right now. It's so hard to meet new friends at this age!

So I am focused on me for a change. Looking for ways to improve what I am not happy with in my world. Looking for some support and people who I can relate with. I feel like I need some changes.

S is doing good, I love how he can be open with me. He recently referred to me as the boss of him, over daddy. By the way, dog didn't leave my side the whole trip. Looks like all my babies know who they can count on and that just warms my heart, I must be doing something right.

Have a good weekend
M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
So much good stuff in this post. It's nice to see s so well adjusted and at peace with things. It cheers me on as I can remember when he had stomach aches and was having some tough days.

Sounds like you are really doing well. You have done so much work on healing these last few years and it shows.

I have never been to Tahoe but it's on my list of go-to places.

As always, great to hear an update.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Your trip sounds like it went well. It’s good to hear that your son is open with you and in sync.

A divorce/separation group is a good idea. I am sure the support you will get will help you find the changes your looking for.

Your family smile knows who they can count on, you are doing great.


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
M
mleigh4 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
Thank you HW and DnJ. I think I handled it well by not taking anything personal, treating H like a friend and accepting he is no longer the man I knew. There were a few times he made me mad though.

We were all watching a movie when S said he was hungry and dog needed to potty. So of course, I got up to take care of everyone and caught myself saying so. Something like, what else is new? When I was done, H was a little irritated at having to pause the movie and scolding me on how they can take care of themselves. A dog can open a door to potty??? I calmly told him, I am just taking care of my responsibilities.

Also driving home, he was reckless a few times, weaving in and out of lanes. I was going to say something, but then thought, why? We won't be driving on any trips any time soon with him. He also had to open a door at the rental that had a sign, do not open. He is so about doing the opposite of what he is told!

But I will add that H did do some nice things too. He made me a coffee, cooked us waffles, suggested different fun things we could all do, held doors for me. So he's not a total schmuck!

So get this. I got a email from MIL this morning. It was sent to me and H. It explained she is selling her house and can't afford to buy out her H. She is looking for something near to buy, but because of the crazy prices around here, she is also looking a couple of hours away. She asked that we promise to visit with S. She also asked if one of us could rent her a room until she finds a place. Eek! She has 3 kids, one of them better step up and help her out! Otherwise, I tend to be a softy and can see myself being the one to do this, even though I think she will drive me crazy. What do I do???


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
I am glad the trip turned out okay. Sounds like you and your son had a great time and that is what matters.

As for the MIL, I wouldn't take that on. She may be indicating that she is willing to rent a room, but at the end of the day, you wouldn't feel comfortable doing this to your MIL. Also, do you really want her around 24/7 and having absolutely no privacy w/her there? Your h would be coming over using his mother as an excuse to come there all of the time. I know you'd like to help out, but you've got your own set of issues to deal with and you do not need to have her under foot and listening to all of her problems day in and day out. If I recall, she's the one that took it upon herself to have your son's hair cut a while back. Nope, she's got 3 kids that should be helping their mother out. Don't respond to the email, just let it sit. She can rent a furnished place either near her or near one of her kids. Don't take this load on...your shoulders are broad, but in time, her presence will drive you nuts.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
Agreed - MIL is your H's problem, let HIM put her up.

Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
M
mleigh4 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
Job, yep, good memory. I had to put up boundaries with her because she was acting like SHE was S's mom. Even now when over, she tells S what to do in our home.

I know you and KML are right. She is H's problem. I predict he will act like he never saw that email though. I also predict he thinks I will help her out, being the nice person I am.

I have not responded to her email, but I will be seeing her on Thursday. Since she will be getting a large chunk of money when she sells, not sure why she can't rent one of those hotel rooms that is like an apartment? There are several around here, maybe I can suggest that.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't mention anything to her about renting anything. I would ignore the email completely. You are not responsible for her as she is not your mother. Your h and his siblings need to step up to the plate on this one. Your home is not a hotel/motel.

Trust me, it is better not to address this issue unless she brings it up. You don't need her living under the same roof w/you because she will take control and make the lives of all that live there miserable and she may be a problem getting rid of her when it's time for her to leave, i.e., she may become a permanent guest.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Oh, yes I agree with Job - you don't need this right now. I would second the 'do nothing' approach. And if she does ask you, reply - oh my goodness I'm behind on emails just now. So sorry not to have come back to you..

Tell yourself - it is okay for me to say no if this doesn't work for me.

Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
M

I couldn't help but chuckle .... you are about to press the D button and have MIL come live with you .... who's MLC is this ??!! laugh

Sounds like you are processing well and looking ahead at a better you and a better life .. its a nice place to be.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Hi M

My advice is to not have her move in with you. That would be a lot of stress you don’t need.

20 or so years ago my parents moved out to our town. They lived with us (me, W, and 1 or 2 kids can’t remember right now) for four months, while I renovated their home to make it wheelchair accessible.

* This written from the 20 years ago pre-MLC perspective.

We love my parents and have a large 3 story home (include the basement and it’s around 5000 sqft). This still wasn’t enough room. It is very stressful living with others, even loved and loving parents. If it was just me and my MIL I can’t imagine the stress. Guests and fresh fish - after a while they start to smell and you want them out of the house. (Something like that) smile

btw since W’s parents never spoke to W or I for the last 26 years I don’t think this is a situation I’ll have to deal with.

Hope one of the three steps up.

D xoxo


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
M
mleigh4 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
Thank you everyone. My work family agrees, no way! H needs to deal with his mom! It is pretty comical when you think about it. I will say nothing. If she brings it up, I will be honest....I am about to D your son, it's just not a good time! Lol

So great news! We had our taxes done tonight. She ran the different scenarios for us, and I insisted, I want them done separately as this is how it will be done from now on. I came out with a huge refund. H was going to owe, but she worked some magic and he just squeaked out even. H had gone and changed his withholdings at BD, and we have been having to pay ever since. Nothing huge, but a big change from previous years of getting refunds. My pleas to change his withholdings back went on deaf ears. Finally, he was told by an expert tonight that his withholdings are not correct for what he makes. And I am getting my money back instead of it going towards taxes HE owes. Woohoo!!

So the poor tax lady kept clarifying that we are married but don't live together. For 4 years. She straight up told us, you need to do something. Especially for tax purposes, you both will be better off. I said I know, someone needs to do something. H looked at me and said, you said you were going to file. I looked him back and said, WE are going to file through mediation. He just shook his head and said, you said you were going to file. I really can't tell if we are just that out of sync with continuous misunderstandings or if he is really that dumb? Or just playing dumb? Either way, there is my answer, the ball remains in my court.

Anyhow, one thing at a time. So happy the taxes are done and I am now done with his part of them. He is now on his own.

He also passed on taking dog tonight, and has done that a couple of other times. During the trip, he barely helped with her. He told me he thinks she is going senile! She is 6! So I guess he is now pulling away from that responsibility as she gets older. That man has no loyalty in him! That's ok though, I will take care of her until the end.

You know, I sat next to him tonight and I just feel so yucky. I feel yucky around him. I see myself back then for some reason. I noticed this on our trip too. I see myself through his eyes, and it's the old me. He doesn't see me any different and I feel like the old me around him. As soon as I get away, I feel myself again. It's hard to explain? I'm not blaming that on him, It may be my own issues....I just don't like who I am around him. Maybe it's everything that has happened, but I am just not my best with him.

Have a good night
M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
M my love he bailed and essentially fired you as his wife, so ... his mommy is his problem. I beg you, do NOT bring her into your home. You will never get rid of her and your life will be miserable. Do not let anyone take advantage of your kind nature.

Congrats on the tax situation. Yes, this past year was our first separate and I got a bit of a refund while he owed. I share your relief.

You've done so much good work. I know you've still got to get through this next phase, but I feel you will do it with your usual style and grace. I'm not surprised that your son is in alignment with you.

Yes, it's up to you, the next steps. And M - that's ok. Figure out what you want and then take steps to make that happen. Divorce group is a good idea. I just heard of one in the next town and may try it.

Anyway, thanks for stopping by my thread. Much love my dear xoxoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
M
mleigh4 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
Hi Bttrfly, I hope you are right about me. It got tense last night while doing taxes. She initially suggested filing together and I really put my foot down to clarify nicely that his income and taxes are his problem and mine is mine. Separate them! When asked about the home, I made it clear he pays half the mortgage and that's it, I take care of it. When asked about S expenses, I kept quiet and let him say it's 50/50. Ha, not when I have him more and take care of so much more than him, but I stayed quiet. It's just taxes right now. But what will I be like during mediation? I could feel the anger in me bubbling. I could feel the disgust towards him and his choices.

It worries me, but I guess knowing that fear, I can work on preparing myself to stay calm. I can't let my emotions take over and make me look like an angry wife while he sits there calm and quiet. That's kind of how I felt last night.

I guess that work is up to me! So much worry floating around in my head, I'm so tired of it and just want it over. Again, that's up to me.

Thanks for listening friends. It feels so nice to talk to people that understand. The divorce group meets Thursday and I am working on getting in.

M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
so here's the trick - you go into each mediation session prepped like it's a business meeting. leave the rest at the door, to the very best of your ability. i realize that this is easier said than done, but psyche yourself up to be in that mindset before every session. will you do it perfectly? no. but going in with that mentality helps. ask Cali - I remember well how he said the same thing.

Remember, there's no marriage; it's a business partnership that is dissolving.

That has to be your mantra.

I'm sorry it's come to this. xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
M
mleigh4 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
Ok I do remember Cali saying the same. I will do my very best and really focus on keeping it business.

Thank you (((Bttrfly)))


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
anytime doll. you know i loves ya xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
M

I had a long winded post here and ended up shutting down prior to posting it .. it was genius stuff I assure you but now its gone so you are left with the leftovers

Concerning the D or Mediation ... remember I went through 3 of those ... heck its almost like I have been through 4 divorces in the past 4 years which should merit a cool medal or at the least a plaque. So yeah ... just take the emotions out of it as much as possible and simply look at it as a negotiation as you would discussing your wage for a job that you were offered ... in this case that job is a position in the Single Villas

Wanted to touch on the taxes thing .... I will try to summarize this but you do need to make sure you have something in place legally to protect yourself and I will explain why in the following novel:

2013 (BD Year) We filed joint, Somehow we had a huge refund (red flag anyone?) it was in excess of 11k .... well just for those of you wondering how, its easy ... your spouses family accountant uses all the numbers given but does not put in your spouses earnings ... upon BD I was given half of this, but upon the discovery gave it back to the MLCr .... This comes into play later.

2014 Filed Married-Separate: MLCr filed very quickly which unknown to me she claimed our only child which was a nice little gift of me discovering I owed about 8k in taxes that I did not have at the time, set up installments with Uncle Sam and began chipping the amount away a bit at a time, ya know when money was being spent on 2 house holds and the MLCr was living it up.

2015 Filed Married-Separate (Touch and go year): This time I claim kiddo, and my adjustments were correct and I received a small return which was applied to the 2014 taxes that I still owed like 6k on. Later on in the year this balance jumps up over 12k .... yup. that money from 2013 was never sent to Uncle Sam and yours truly was the one on the hook as I have already set up the installment agreement so they simply added it right to that. At the time this happened we were towards the end of her Peek-a-boo and she just was not going to pay MY debt .... thanks honey.


2016 Filed Married-Separate (Rope Drop year): This gets good. So She claims S this year, I owed a little but not much and paid that off only to discover that 12k ish debt was back down to around 4k. Good Ole Uncle took MLCrs large return and applied it to my installment. I recall S telling me about the tantrum she had walking from the mail box, on the phone with that 3 fingered accountant and facing the fact there was zero she could do.

I still smile about the Karma bus. So now I am finally all done with those tax issues but it was a 5 year cloud over my head .... point I am trying to make is the IRS still sees you as married, his tax issues are yours .... so if he owes and you get a return they will adjust the following year if he has not settled up ... we all know how good these MLCrs are at following through and keeping up with responsibilities so I would talk to your numbers person and ensure whatever you have to do legally to avoid all ^^^^ mess I just spilled on your nice kitchen floor.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
M
mleigh4 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
Gotcha Cali. Maybe that's why she kept looking at me when she was saying we need to do something. She also brought up Community Property and how our debt is each other's debt. Being in escrow, I am familiar with most of that, but did not know the taxes are too even if you file separate, so thank you!

We both got refunds, his was just much smaller, but it did occur to me that can bite me while disclosing assets! It is what it is. I am getting my ducks in a row and ready to make appt for mediation. I plan on letting him know this weekend when I have to see him.

S birthday is Saturday, so trying to make that my focus until then. I am attending my first divorce group tomorrow night and I am really looking forward to it. I hope it is a good fit for me.

Good night
M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
M
mleigh4 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
Hello. Hope you all are enjoying your weekend. We are getting a mix of rain and sunshine here, but it smells like Spring! I so look forward to bringing my backyard to life again to enjoy it!

I have been under the weather all week. Feel better one moment, then worse the next. I was too excited to miss the divorce group so I was able to go. I loved it. I instantly felt connected with everyone there. The things that were being shared and discussed were just like being here in real life. Every person says their spouse has turned into someone they don't know.

The good thing I noticed is that I have been through a lot of the phases so far. They are all 8 to 9 months into separation and divorce. One lady just six weeks. Here I was saying 4 years! But as they talked and the group leader was giving them coping advice, it was the same advice we get here. I also was able to add some examples of what helped me through some tough times, I realized I can be a help to them along with my own healing. The group leader assured that this should help me through my next phase. When she said she understood my anger, resentment and confusion being 4 years in and still married, and wondering what am I? Married? Single? I just new, these people get it. She said I would be further in the process if 4 years divorced vs 4 years separated....true. But I don't regret for a moment taking that time and I know for sure I am ready to move on. She said my situation is not uncommon.

One thing she told us, is to have faith, that we have been taken out of this situation for a reason, that there is a better plan for us. It is a faith based group through the church, but she is twice divorced, her current husband also divorced. She said she never imagined how happy she could be with her current husband, and that everything she went through brought a peace and faithfulness out in her that she never had. So true and so much of what we learn here! I can't wait for my next class.

S 11th bday was yesterday. I spent 1/2 day with him, then he went to his dad's. He didn't want any kind of party, just his buddy over, which H hosted at his place. FIL wanted to take him out to lunch, so they went today, with H and MIL.( Funny how she is now in the picture with FIL. )That kind of stung, I wasn't invited. Honestly though, not sure I would have gone. This is exactly what I need to get used to, and it's not about me. I made S a birthday breakfast and didn't invite any of them, so it's just the new norm. At 10:09 last night, I texted S that at this moment 11 years ago, I was given the best gift of my life, that I love him. He texted me back love you too.

At drop off today, I asked H if he had given any more thought to going through mediation or just using a paralegal. He said he thinks we can be cordial through this, he doesn't really understand how mediation works, he said the cheapest simplest way is best and up to me. I have been giving it lots of thought myself. I worry he won't show up for mediation appointments. Mediation would entail a 30 minute drive and hours of time off work, and possible interference with S school schedule.....paralegal is right in town and I can do the appointments on my own. I had decided that I am willing to start that way, and if we hit any bumps, then we can move on to mediation or a lawyer. H agreed.

I asked H, are you willing to let us stay in the house until S finishes high school? He said he isn't thrilled about it, but he doesn't want to make S move out of his home, and he knows it would be near impossible for me to buy or rent anything around here, he mentioned what his mom is going through with her house and having to move away because of home prices, so he said yes, that's fine.

I am ready to contact the paralegal and file now. While talking, I was proud of us. Very calm and kind to each other. I didn't feel any anger bubbling up, just a very strong desire to disconnect myself from him. I think between my support here and my new friends in my support group, I can get through this. I know he may change and monster, but I am willing to give cordial a chance. At least I can finally get the ball rolling.

Thanks for listening and for everything I have learned here!
M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
M
mleigh4 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
Hello.

I went to see the paralegal today and got the paperwork started to file. I was fine until I got there. Once she started asking questions I started feeling overwhelmed. I was even filling out forms wrong. Not sure what that was about.

Anyway, I didn't realize I needed to know the main terms of what I want as far as splitting assets, support and custody. I guess that all goes on the petition. I gave her all the info H and I had agreed on, but there are still some things unresolved, like retirement. I go back in a week to sign what she prepares.

I left feeling rushed and frazzled. I hope I am not making a mistake by doing this with her. I am thinking I will take the petition to a lawyer to review before I have her file it? I also have some more questions....I just know I am being very nice in waiving many things in lieu of staying in our home, and she can't give me advice. I just don't want a lawyer leading me into an ugly battle. To me, peace is better than money, and that's all I want for S and I. To just keep living the way we are.

I hope with some time to sleep on it and some number crunching, I can feel a little better about my choices.

Does anyone know, during this process, where we make the final decisions on assets? Is the petition filed just a preliminary step? I live in CA. Any advice will help.

Thank you
M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
Yes, run it all by a lawyer. Do you know any personally?

I'm not sure of the CA process, but this is a universal:
* Know what YOU want. Know what is important to YOU. You cannot negotiate anything until and unless you know exactly what you want.

ex. sounds like the priority is keeping the house until son graduates HS. You will need other things too though.

I hope this helps in some small way. And === don't worry if it takes more time than you thought it would. This is a big deal. Take all the time you need so that you're really sure and comfortable with your agreement.

{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
M
mleigh4 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
Thanks Bttrfly. Last night I started panicking and had to talk myself down.

I am in control
I can take as much time as I need
Nothing is getting filed until I feel comfortable with it
I am 99% sure about what I want, so almost there
I have a lawyer I will make an appt with to make sure I am covering all my bases
THEN I will file

Saw H this morning at drop off and I was reminded of the friendliness and harmony I want to keep intact. For our S.

All good here, I got myself rebalanced.
Have a good day
M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
M

I too live in Cali I know that is hard to believe given my screen name.

So we went through the 3 failed mediation attempts before we actually went the court route but honestly they are very similar. The courts and the lawyers for the most part seem to prefer that you figure it out between yourselves... in my case it was a tit for tat ... OK you get this I want that, I will give up this and if you give up that. As far as assets its a line by line thing.

I read somewhere that you never really get everything you want but you hope to get to an agreement you can live with. In my case she had her lawyer in her ear, I was armed with several consultations knowing what I would get which helped me, they tried the bully tactic so I countered with a "I will go for everything and lawyer up if needed" which they did not want so they were more willing to budge on the financials and I had to agree to things that were of no consequence but it was like she had to win somewhere (I actually had to agree to not give S rides on the motorcycle for example ... not a big deal as it has one seat!!).

Going in I knew what my number would be if the courts were to settle it which is a very big deal in this case just knowing what you could get and for me I settled a bit below that but was at peace with it.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
M
mleigh4 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
Thank you Cali. You live in Cali? Ha ha.

I thought mediation was different in that you do it together. With this route, it seems more like going back and forth? I feel like I am going behind his back this way, but he declined mediation so it is what it is.

I remember your several attempts at mediation, and all the postponed appointments, in fact it's one of the fears I had with going that route with H. I look forward to my consult because I have alot of questions.

Like you, I plan on finding out what I would get if it was left up to the courts so if he squabbles, I have that to fall back on. I really don't know what to expect with H or how he will react to it all. I left a message for the lawyer, just waiting on a call back to set appt.

I had such a busy day today and I am pooped! I am so happy it's Friday smile

Have a great weekend


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
M
mleigh4 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
Hi everyone.

Not much new, just checking in. The paralegal has my petition drawn up and ready to file. I have an appt. next week with a lawyer to go over everything. I was bummed that she couldn't get me in for 2 weeks, but it actually has given me time to get all my financials and questions together. I am so eager to get this going, but I remind myself that this is not something to rush. I have not relayed any of this to H. One step at a time. Once I see lawyer, I might then let H know papers are being filed, just common courtesy. I struggle with what I tell H and when......I figure once I talk with lawyer I will decide that. My goal is to keep the peace and be fair.

The best part is that I have no fear of this being a mistake. I am so ready and it feels so right. It's such a relief.

H and I barely talk. Now that S has a phone, we don't need to much. It's just hi and bye now. Not a single word from him about divorce, I would guess he thinks I have once again put it on the back burner.

Grammy was over yesterday and asks me, guess who is doing mediation? I said oh, I'm sorry to hear you guys have decided to divorce. She said not just me, but your husband too! I said what? She said she told H that her and her husband are going to begin mediation and she explained it to him and he said he would like to do mediation too. I got so mad. I gave him handouts and information, explained it to him, and he said no. Mommy talks, and he says yes. It just drives me crazy! This was my whole marriage!

So later that night I took dog for a walk so I could clear my head and release my anger. Each breath out was my anger out. Bottom line, it's too late for mediation. I have already paid the paralegal and papers are drawn. Surprise H! You know what though? I am glad that I chose this way because I have control, I don't have to depend on H to show up to appt's, and we all know how he drags stuff out! Also, he probably just said that to her, who knows if he really means it. Doesn't matter now does it.

I am still enjoying my divorce group. This week touched on the topic of guilt that comes with the decision to divorce. This class helped me to realize this still isn't my choice, but more of a necessity to protect myself, and to help me move on. H is gone and has been for years, there is no chance of reconciliation with this man, it's time for me to heal. I still love the man I married, but I am not divorcing the man I married. They all assured me they understood my guilt, but also stand by me with this decision, along with the man upstairs.

So life is good. Emotions come but they don't stay long, they are passing quicker and easier. I am taking good care of myself and taking advantage of quiet time, to keep my head clear. I have become a bit of a hermit but feel I need this right now.

I hope you all enjoy your weekend.
M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Hi MLeigh, I can totally understand your frustration with your H and the mediation. But I think you are handling that well and focusing on what you get to control. If he missed the 'window' for that, despite your suggestion and information - well that's too bad. And now you will move the process forward as you think best.

Just one thing that occurred to me. I notice there have been a few interactions with MIL that have caused you to feel upset or angry. From all that you post about her, I wonder whether giving her any power is serving you well? She will probably carry on saying the kind of stuff she is saying - whether you choose to have that kind of conversation with her, or let what she says 'get to you' is up to you I think...anyway, food for thought maybe?

I'm so pleased you are finding the divorce group helpful. For me it was one of the best things I did and I made half a dozen or so lasting friendships from attending. As it was 2.5 years ago for me, people's lives are unfolding in different ways. Some still trying to finalise and resolve things, others remarried and some casually dating or happily single, but it has helped me immeasurably.

I found your post above a positive one in so many ways, and so Kudos to you my friend. And I get you with the hermit phase. I have those too and it is good to give yourself what you need.

Take care and big hugs to you xxx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
M
mleigh4 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
Hi Sotto,
Yes I have many issues with MIL, I have for a very long time. She was a big problem in our marriage as H always sided with her, not me, in many different areas, especially parenting.

The only reason I see her is because she picks up S one day a week. They are very close and I don't want to interfere with that. I have to see her because she couldn't handle confirming with me that she got him from school, so now she picks him up from me.

I don't bring up H, she does. And she is just as unemotional and perky about her 3rd divorce as H is about ours. They are a strange breed. I agree it's time to set yet another boundary with her. No more talk of H. The good news is she has to move about 2 hours away because she can't afford this area when she sells her home, which is happening very soon. There will be no more Grammy days. I'm sad for S, but relieved for me.

Thanks for your post Sotto, I do feel positive right now. I am taking healthy steps in the right direction, just a slow mover sometimes.

Have a great Sunday
M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
Mleigh - I am just hoping for your sake that your h still remains fairly docile through this whole process.

Like you, I just want to be through this all and to have peace.

I think of you often and hope this leg of your process is more peaceful than mine. We will get through this as all others here have.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
M
mleigh4 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
Hi guys,

Saw lawyer today. Finally! I had to wait 2 weeks but you know, I did a real good job of putting it aside until then. So she tweaked me petition a bit. It might freak out H a little, but it is to protect me until we have everything in writing. She said just in case things go south. That's her job, to think that way, right? So I will just let H know that and hope for the best.

She also agreed to review things as we go along, since I already have the paralegal preparing the paperwork. I just need to give her 1k deposit to be considered a priority client. I get back what I don't use and she can see me or answer questions over the phone. Otherwise I can deal with her on an appt basis but only when she can squeeze me in.

I just got that big tax refund, so I figure I will go the deposit route so I have her back up. What do you guys think? Sound good?


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
I like that they fee is a reasonable amount for a non contentious situation. Make sure you remain in control of the situation at all times. Xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
I am glad you are having a lawyer look things over and be there for you. Sounds like the fee/condition is very reasonable.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
M
mleigh4 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
Hi there,
Bttrfly, you hit it on target. The lawyer and all the legal mumbo jumbo she brought up had me a little anxious, but the way I calmed myself was by remembering that I am in control. Thank goodness because I can see how lawyers can turn a calm situation into a battle. She had a real hard time believing that H and I are so amicable. I remembered what you said, to go in knowing what you want. I am keeping it that simple. She was helpful in reminding me what is really important ....

When H checked out on our marriage and finally left, S and I rebuilt our life and our home. We are truly happy, our world is calm, and that peace is more important than anything else. We have the gift of staying in our home and not dealing with finding a place in this crazy market, that is all I hoped for.

Job, I am glad I saw her too. Hopefully things will go smooth through this process, but at least I have her to fall back on if it doesnt, and believe me, H would not want that because she is a bulldog.

Today I had my follow up appt with paralegal. I was prepared to sign petition and file. We talked a bit, about the process, about lawyers. She asked questions and agreed it sounds like me and H basically agree on things and that I seem to know what I do and don't want. She said to save time and money and keep it simple, me and H can sit down, go over all aspects we agree on and write it down. She will prepare the agreement, we both go in and sign it, and she attaches it to the petition to file. No court, no lawyers, simple. Exactly what we want.

So that is the plan. I continue to do my research, talk to people, hear other divorce stories, and will reach out to the lawyer if I have any questions....but I am pretty confident in where I am at. I have had enough time to tell what feels right and what doesn't.

S and I are on spring break this weekend. We go to a rented beach condo tomorrow for a couple of nights, with dog of course. Definitely in need of some soul soothing!

Had dinner with some friends the other night and was told I should be over this by now. I gotta tell you, those comments still really sting, but I have learned how to brush it off. I am very proud of myself for taking my time, for taking the time to heal, for not rushing into any major decisions, for making sure there was not a chance of reconciliation keeping my side of the street clean....sadly those 2 friends can't say the same in their own divorce history.

I intend to catch up this week on the boards, I hope everyone is well.
M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
M
mleigh4 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
Vacation - a great time to relax, catch up on things....or....too much time on your hands which leads to too much thinking!

I talked with H, we plan to sit down in next week or two to go over agreement.

Yesterday was his birthday. The last two years he was away on an annual business trip during his birthday. This year he said it's later in the month so he was home. I am wondering if he was passed up this year to go, or were they really business trips, but we will see if he is telling the truth. I made his annual birthday brownies for S to give him. Even though he basically ignores my birthday, eh, I want to be a better example for S.

I notice that being nice to H is easier knowing that we have begun the divorce process. I feel freer to just be the nice me, without it seeming like I am trying to get him back. I am just being myself. It feels good. We always have pleasant interactions at pick up and drop off, I am proud that we keep that peace going for S.

H continues to show some strange behaviors though. I don't see as much anymore since I rarely see or talk to him, but his paranoia is still there. We needed something from his house for S school project, he wasn't home, I asked if S could use the hidden key to go in and grab it, he replied that the project instructions were in his room, (why) and that he locks his bedroom door when he leaves the house. So let's get this straight. He has cameras outside and INSIDE his house, and locks his bedroom door, in a house he lives in alone. I just think it's all weird. If you remember, he did the same thing when he lived in the spare room before moving out. He would stick a piece of paper in the door to see if the door was opened.

I wonder if this comes from his younger years? He had told me his mom would go through his room....

Also, S and I went to an orientation at his middle school that he will be starting this year for some advanced classes they offer. H wasn't able to make it because of work, but he came by after to hear about it. He was able to listen for about 5 minutes, then he was off asking S to run and jump while he records it in slow motion on his phone. I know, boys will be boys, he just seems so out of touch with being a serious adult sometimes. He just wants to play.

So, that's what H does. He runs around doing who knows what with who knows who, always says he is busy with plans if something is needed, like he is a single 22 year old or something...but wait! He is still a married man! He continues to forget that.

I am still going to my divorce class. I was hit on by one of the men who goes. I suppose people deal with this pain differently, but that isn't my way, and I let him know. It's actually pretty brilliant, to go to these classes to prey on vulnerable women....lol...he made a bad choice with me. It won't stop me from going though, there are only a few left.

So, with all this time on my hands this week, I think about H, I get angry that he lives so single while still married, and doesn't seem to care. I have no proof of bad behavior and assume alot but my instincts tell me he is definitely hiding something. It makes me want to sever this tie of marriage to him more than ever before. I am really hoping this will finally give me that peace and freedom to move past this!

The beach condo was nice, but I didn't feel as relaxed as usual. I am feeling anxious and not sleeping well, but I think that comes from planning D. Seems normal that it is stirring up many buried emotions. I crave solitude and quiet nights home with S these days.

MIL has already filed for divorce and has the house on the market. She used my paralegal. H mentioned how fast she is doing everything, I agreed it seems a bit quick. I WANTED to say that's because you guys turn off your emotions like a light switch and run, it's in your blood, but I didn't.

Back to work on Monday. I yearn for the routine to be back. Hope you all have a good weekend.
M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Hi M. I am glad this process is going smoothly. You have taken your time, done everything you could, and know what is and isn’t important to you.

I felt a twinge also when I read about your friends saying you should be over this by now. You have not rushed into things, you have overcome major hurdles, and made major decisions - You should be proud.

I have to admit I did laugh at H only lasting 5 minutes and then off to play with his slow motion recordings. Yep, teenage behaviour. Boys and their toys.

I never thought about picking up women at divorce classes - that is pretty brilliant. smile He chose the wrong lady that night! smile

Hoping the best for you. Peace and freedom.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
M
mleigh4 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
Hi everyone!

Well, H and I sat down tonight, just us, and went over the divorce agreement to be drawn up. Thanks to Bttrfly, and others, I had everything written out, exactly what I wanted, to take care of S and I.

I was worried all week about this planned meeting. Not sleeping or eating well, but working hard with prayer, meditation and exercise to keep my calm.

It went really well. We went over each topic, I approached each with my view. Only a couple he debated on, but I was ready for it, we discussed, and by the end, he agreed it was fair and agreeable. He wrote it all down and says he just wants to go over it all with legal advice before having it drawn up. Totally understandable as I did the same. So please, send your prayers out there that it continues to go smooth. Once it is signed and filed, then I will breathe!

One thing really stood out to me. Not once did I feel any regret or fear for what we were discussing, that tells me I am so ready. Also, there was no fighting, only some mild anger, but nothing confrontational, just emotional, and that was on both sides. Overall, the meeting went beyond easier than I thought it would.

Other than that, it's been quiet over here. I am still staying a bit isolated, but that comes from not really having friends that get this, so I feel safer being alone most times. My divorce class has been very helpful, the guy who hit on me has not been there anymore, so that is a bit of a relief. The class itself is so comforting, I just love it. It not only has helped lead me to a greater faith, but also has helped me to realize how unhealthy my marriage was. It's been an eye opener and is bringing back my self worth, self confidence and ability to embrace my singleness without feeling like an outsider in the world of couples.

S is doing great. He has an open house at school this week. 2 months left of elementary school, starting middle school in August! I just can't believe it. As he has gotten older, he has expressed his need for personal space, which means no constant kisses from mommy on the head! As I have adjusted to this, every once in a while, he comes over and gives me a big hug or cuddles up with me out of the blue. Well, of course I eat this up! I just love our relationship, the openness and respect for each other. He is growing up to be a good little man before my eyes.

I have a very close friend coming at the end of the month from many states away to visit. I just can't wait, she has been one of my biggest supporters and best friends since high school. She will be good for me.

H has his business trip coming up in 2 weeks. He said he will email me the flight and hotel info, that's new! So I guess he hasn't been lying about these trips. Even though it's a shame we couldn't work this out, and I still believe our problems are fixable, I have accepted its time to move on. I feel very at peace and most of all, beyond grateful that so far things are going smooth with the process.

Thank you all for your well wishes, please keep us in your prayers.
M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 39
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 39
Bless you, mleigh! What a relief it must be to finally feel like your future is clear and positive. Sounds like you're raising a great young man, you're lucky to have each other. Praying this phase continues to be a smooth process for you both. smile


Me: 43 She: 43
Married 14 Together 20
D7 S6
Separation bomb Dec 2017
Reconciled 3 weeks later Jan 2018
Second separation bomb April 2018
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
M
mleigh4 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
Thank you so much JaseP smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
well done M ... proud of you girlie! xoxoxoxo mwah :*


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
M
mleigh4 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
Hi Friends, it's been awhile!

I wanted to check in and update with the latest. It's only been 4 months since I have been here, but it feels like a year!

As far as H, we got the settlement agreement prepared and signed. It wasn't easy, typos had to be fixed before he signed, H felt it was drawn up by a child, but after I rewrote it and asked the paralegal to copy word for word, H signed it.

I finally filed for D about a month ago, with settlement agreement attached. For those of you who traveled this path with me, some from the very beginning, you know this wasn't easy. Hand shaking, tears welling, I did it.

H was served this last week. The server said he was calling him for a couple weeks with no reply, H says he never got the calls. After calling H out on it, he met up with the server. H followed up with the strangest text that night, to let me know he got the papers, followed by him having lunch with a co-worker, and that the server said he was the nicest person he ever served, and that he he had friends interested in being hired for HVAC that he was going to send H way. I wanted to reply, so glad the experience was so pleasant! Of course you were happy, it's not normally the person who decided on D being served!! But I continue to take the high road and just replied ok.

So that's where things are with STBX. Every once in a while, I still hear that questioning voice, was this the right thing to do? It feels right and I suppose just something I may never know, as far as what if I had continued to do nothing. All I know, after 5 years, that wasn't working for me. We only communicate in regards to S, no more than that. I am fine with that. I still think he has become strange, just not the person I knew. An old friend ran into H recently and told me she didn't even recognize him because he is so thin and older looking. He had a recent health scare with a virus and odd liver test results, but seems to be ok now.

Now, for the wonderful things in my life! S started middle school last week. He has been placed in the advanced classes with warnings of it being rough but worth the new challenges, and they are optional so that if it's too much he can be transferred out. The first few days were rough! 2 projects and 2 1/5 hours of homework every night! But as kids are transferring out, S is choosing to stick it out and is easing into the new routine. The teachers are promising this is the hardest part and it will get easier so he is holding onto that and giving it his all. I am so proud of him and his ability to work through it instead of giving up. I assured him I support him no matter what he decides. This weekend we have been working on a project together and I get the feeling he is actually enjoying this! He seems to like the school and, no joke, has his best friend in every class! He is growing and changing, but we maintain that closeness and trust. We are adjusting to the new drop off and pick up schedule, and thankfully my job is fully cooperating so I am able to do both. S is my world and knows it smile

Speaking of my job, I have been given 3 raises in the last year! That will cover the health benefits I need once I come off of H plan.

I joined the church I was going to for my divorce classes, and wow, church has changed since I went when I was younger! I really enjoy going and I swear, the services speak to me. The church is so casual, welcoming and friendly, I just love it. My D classes start back up next week which I plan on attending again. I also am going to a connection luncheon next month to meet other new members and the pastors. I so look forward to meeting new people and becoming more involved in my community.

As far as friends and personal life....I still struggle with feeling distant with people. I am super busy and don't have much free time, but when I do, I choose to either run errands or have me time. I have been pulling farther and farther away from friends, especially the closest. She is questioning it and I have been telling her I'm busy....but between you and me, I just can't connect with the girl. After numerous times of asking her not to ask me about H or dating, she constantly does. She is fun and bubbly, but other than that, she just doesn't get it.

That brings me to where I am now. My main focus is S and my own self care. I had a physical recently and checked out super healthy, which is great news. I do feel I have some mental health issues going on, possibly depression, which I talked to my Dr. about and will follow up with her on. I have a lot of ups and downs lately and in the past always knew how to snap myself out of, but the lows are more frequent and ability to feel happy is harder lately. I am hoping this is just a phase, possibly caused by the D becoming real? The only time I truly feel happy is when I am with S and my fur babies.

Speaking of fur babies....JOB you will love this. I was leaving a restaurant about a month ago and walking to my truck, heard this crying sound. There chasing me down the street was a kitten. My first thought was oh no, this is the last thing I need right now, another thing to add to my plate! I picked him up out of the street and put him back on the sidewalk hoping he would run to one of the houses. Nope. He chased me back to my truck. To make a long story short, I took him home and posted on community sites to find his home. I had him checked for a chip, no luck. S immediately fell in love with him and told me he isn't going anywhere, so I have a third fur baby. I figure this must be a joke from the man upstairs, I should have been clearer when I wished for a loving, cute and loyal male! Lol

Anyway, overall life is good, just in a weird and unknown place right now. My faith is helping and I am learning to hand the worries over, but it's hard sometimes. My life consists of work, school, pets and sleep, but that is pretty much my doing and choice. Being a hermit feels safe right now, but I have no doubts that things will brighten, just not sure how or when.

I hope the best for everyone here, I really should have no complaints because being free from the MLC is a blessing. I think maybe the 5 years of limbo and hoping took its toll on me. This too shall pass.

Xxoo
M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
I am so glad you returned to post an update.

So much going on in your world. I know you had doubts about what had to happen, but you've struggled w/your STBX for quite some time and he wasn't improving. You have done all you can and now you need to leave him in the hands of the man up above.

I can't believe your son is middle school! He will do very well in the advanced classes. He needs challenges because he is such an intelligent young man. You will see him grow in many different ways this year.

As for fur babies...congratulations! They have a way of finding their new owners. So, what did you name the newest addition? Color? You and your son will love him just as much as you do the others.

You sound good...don't ever doubt yourself. You tried everything to make your marriage work. Sometimes dropping the rope completely and divorcing them is the only way to save yourself.

Please take care of yourself and don't be a stranger. I look forward to reading about your new adventures in the coming months.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
M
mleigh4 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
Hello friends,

Here we are at the holidays again. Did they come really fast this year or is it just me??

Just wanted to do a quick check in and say hi.

JOB, to answer your question, we named our new kitty Cricket because he has long legs and feet! He is a black and white tuxedo cat and has been a huge blessing to our home. He is a companion cat and is always by either myself or S. We just adore him!

I am doing well, still very much a homebody, even more so with winter here. I am using the time to continue working on me, accepting I am almost fully divorced and figuring out how to live this new chapter in my life.

H managed to again stall the D by filing a response to what we filed together! He caused a stall by saying he had to have me served, which months later still didn't happen, so I finally went to my paralegal who clarified that was not necessary and she was able to proceed with paperwork. I questioned H why he did that? He said he filed to change the date of separation from when he moved out to when I moved out so it would reflect less than 10 years together married. That is the "magic" number in Cali for spousal support. The thing is, I already waived that in the filed agreement! It goes to show he is still out for himself and to take stabs at me. I got so irritated with him and told him to stop playing games and follow through on the D he wanted! Oh, and a few days before that I had gotten an email from a flower site reminding him that Jessica's birthday is coming up. My name is not Jessica! But we used to share my email so it must be linked to the flower place account from when we were married and he sent ME flowers. Anyway, I told him he was gross, certainly did not envy a girl getting flowers from a still married man, and to do the right thing by finalising the divorce so he can send her all the flowers he wants! He of course denied he knows a Jessica or what that email was about. Of course! He also said nothing about the fact I was waiting to be served when that wasn't even the case? So strange.

Anyway, I still am a bit stuck in feeling the anger of it all. I can't stop wondering why he didn't fight for us and our family. Why he didn't love me enough. Why couldn't we have learned by our mistakes and worked through them to be closer and stronger instead of having them end our marriage? I need help letting this go, I see it.

I am still going to church and the services help me very much. I do yoga, eat healthy and exercise. I do all the right things but need to learn how to let this go. Our D should be final by April I am told. I hope with that closure I can continue to heal. It doesn't help that people express their confusion with H actions. A co-worker even says she sees feelings there between us!? H tries so hard to be this nice guy and it makes it all so much harder.

S is doing great, still thriving in school and with his friends. I continue to live each day around him and I love it. I feel like right now I just need to focus on him and taking care of myself. He is growing more Independent and I feel the separation of needing me happening, so I am finding more time on my hands. Time to start finding some hobbies and things to keep me busy. I still am not interested in dating and wont even consider it until I am no longer married.

Next year brings a new life and big changes for me. I can feel it and am nervous, excited and hopeful.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and good things to come in the new year.

Xxoo
M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Merry Christmas to you and your son, as well as your fur babies.

I am not the least bit surprised that your h stalled on the divorce papers. Many of them seem to do this.

He reminds me so much of my xh, i.e., the flower situation. They either don't remember or hope that we will discover that there is a third person in the mix. Sometimes I tend to sway toward us finding out and finishing up the dirty work of a divorce so that they can say we were the ones that filed. Whatever the reason, I'm glad you let him know about it.

Your son is an amazing young man and is growing up very quickly and it won't be long before his interests and hobbies will be done independently and you will be there observing on the sidelines. As for new hobbies, etc., I know you won't be sitting very long and will find things of interest to do.

You've come a long way and have done an amazing job of raising your son and being patient w/your runaway. May the new year bring you many wonderful surprises throughout the year.

Hugs and best wishes to you and your little family.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Page 1 of 10 1 2 3 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard