Bye bye limbo -- it's time for a change

[bttrfly]

From what I can tell MLCrs surround themselves with people who give bad advice. Sadly this makes everything so much more heightened for all.

No one is at their best during a divorce / separation / period of negotiation.

I love that you are sitting quietly with this. May you find some inner peace with it all. The loving kindness meditation might help with this. xoxoxoxoxo hugs! {{{{{{{Mleigh}}}}}}}

[mleigh4]

Thank you Bttrfly ^^^

Hello everyone. I have been doing pretty good....I am a bit frustrated with myself though. It seems all I do is cycle through feelings at BD and how much I dislike H. I am constantly thinking about the things he has done, the pain he has brought to me and S, and how disgusted I am with his self absorbed choices. Add to that my disappoint in him for not being the man to love and protect his family, but to instead drop them for his own selfish needs. I'm not kidding, this is going through my mind 24/7 and it's driving me crazy!

I tell myself to stop, I try to distract myself, I tell myself I will never understand his choices and to accept that I have different values but then I find myself right back to H bashing in my mind.

I wonder if this is all coming up in lieu of D discussions? Maybe I had just buried this and not really dealt with it. Ugh I want it to stop. It's such a waste of energy and brain space, and I keep missing the moment. I want to just live for the moment. I hope to find a way to get this under control.

Snow trip with H is in 1 week. I am so looking forward to the time off and away! I also look forward to it being over so I can feel free to move forward with decisions about divorce. Part of me hopes H changes his mind about going, and part of me hopes we can go and bring some peace back between us.

Me and MIL continue to chat about our situations. Her H has now moved in with his son and refuses marriage counseling. She insists she can never live with him again unless he gets counseling. She was in a big rush to sell the house and get her own place, until she saw the reality of home prices around us. This has her panicked and not sure what to do. Welcome to my world!!! I told her just that, and gave her the advice I have been given here... Slow down, don't rush or try to control things you can't control, and let things have some time to play out. It intrigues me that she just had this blow up with her H at Christmas and she is rushing into all these big decisions.

It's a little weird talking with her, being that my situation revolves around her S. She voices her disappointment in him and encourages me to do what I need to be happy. She acknowledges that H gets stressed very easy, that she sees no sign of a woman in his house because she looks for it, she too doesn't understand his choices other than he found his previous life intolerable, (ouch) and that it seems me and H perceive our marriage and situation completely different. She says my H never talks to her about anything, that he is just like his father in that they are emotionally shallow and unable to get very deep. She said her and FIL did marriage counseling many times and that FIL just never "got it". He would tell her flat out, I don't get it. She even told me I need to free myself from this situation because I never know if Mr. Right may come into my life.

These talks with her have been quite fascinating, but I wonder if it's a good idea and if it might be part of my spinning. I will test it out and try to keep our conversations strictly about her and her situation. It's just hard to not want to dig into my H mother's mind in hope of some answers, you know!?

There again I go wanting answers. She told me point blank, I may never have my answers for what H has done and I need to find a way to be at peace with that. It's actually good advice coming from a woman I have wanted to blame for all of this for years.

Anyway, on a more positive note, overall life is good. S is doing well in his last year at elementary school. He begins middle school in August and they will have no after school care for him to go to. Good news financially! So he feels he is ready to be at home alone with dog for the hour I go back to work after picking him up from school. We have been practicing his being home alone for short periods and he is loving the independence. I was a latch key child myself and was very mature and responsible about it. I see the same in S. I am so proud of him and just amazed watching my little guy grow up.

The housing market here continues to boom. What was once a small town is now growing and improving and my work is picking back up to busy times. I have taken on more duties at work which equals more money and liking the padding in my budget.

I have had some fun outings with friends and continue to feel grateful for many things in my world. Spring already seems to be coming and I look forward to the transformation in my yard.

Life is good, I just need to work on getting control back with my thoughts. And I need to stop trying to figure out the "why". If only I could stop looking for answers.

M

[ciluzen]

Hey Mleigh! You're post reminds me that yours was the first post in MLC land that I read and responded to, as I realized your situation (at the time) was so similar.

Like you, I still cycle through the same emotions I had at BD. I had a handle on them, and continue to do so off and on, but I'm studying therapy and everything I read resonates or makes me think about XH or my family. I also realize more the depth of his selfishness, which he admits to, and how dysfunctional our family life was because of it. Not always, but just enough that I can see the patterns and how they affected me and especially the kids. Right now, I refer to the welling up of intense emotions "detoxifying". They are just bubbling up all over the place. I deal with them as they come.

Another part of the reason your post struck a chord is that like your H, my XH supposedly doesn't talk to anyone about me or our situation. I know he tried to hide the fact that we are divorced from a lot of people. It is a sign of failure to him. Its shameful, and that is an emotion...he doesn't want to admit to those. One of my professors referred to people like them as "emotionally constipated". They have been taught to stuff those emotions for some reason, so they do...even if you slap them in the face with them or with yours. Its hard to understand how someone can do that, but they can. It just seeps out in wierd ways, like MLC actions.

You're doing great despite the cycling. Its just going to be frustrating and a bit sickenining while the detox happens, whether its from the D or talking with MIL. Keep living your life; you seem to be doing well with it!

[mleigh4]

Hi Ciluzen,

Good to hear from you! Detoxifying is a great way to look at it. I am doing my best to just feel it, talk it out in my head and then move on with my thoughts. I don't want to push them away in case they need to be dealt with. I just can't believe how often they are coming up. It used to be on and off here and there but it has become pretty constant.

I definitely believe my spinning is a combination of wanting a D, talking with MIL and our upcoming trip. It's just like around the holidays when I start feeling anxious.

Emotionally constipated is head on with my H. He has never been able to show emotions, comfort or have deep talks. I see it in his parents, a need to always appear happy and well to a point where it is fake. However, MIL has been in therapy on and off since I have known her, about 20 years, and she is becoming pretty open with me, which is refreshing because she was one of the fakest of them all.

Anyway, I will keep moving along and get through this. Our 18 year anniversary of getting together is coming up on Monday, along with the dreaded Valentines day on Wed. I hate that holiday!! Lol I think I should plan something special with S and my fur babies on those days like I usually do.

Have a great weekend
M

[mleigh4]

Oh, something else I wanted to add in my talks with MIL. She has 3 children including H. She said when she decided to divorce their father, only 1 daughter was upset about it. She said H and his other sister seemed fine with it, they just "wanted her to be happy" she said.

I know from H brief talks about it that it was very painful for him. Does she really believe they were ok with her breaking up their family and breaking their dads heart to be with another man so she can "be happy"? And how can someone truly be happy after doing that and having to live with it?

It just sounds so much like what H has said to me so many times. He needed to do this because he was so unhappy.

I guess they tell themselves what they need to and believe it in order to do what they want. After over 20 years she still believes what she told herself.

Oh, and at another time, she was talking about her H and his issues and started to say that something must have to happen in their childhood that makes them this way, then she stopped, caught herself, was silent and changed the subject.

I wonder if our talks, and being in the situation she is in, has her doing some thinking about her son? Well, like I said, it's probably best not to talk about me and keep it about her. That's my goal.

[job]

You are being given a very rare gift of actually getting info on what transpired in your h's young life.

I do think that your MIL is starting to see the light and coming to understand a bit of what is going on w/her son. She's doing a lot of soul searching within herself. It's best to listen and nod your head when you hear something that you know is correct. I wouldn't be too willing share much of what is going on w/you at the moment.

[mleigh4]

I think your right Job. It has occurred to me that I AM getting some answers from her. It shows and confirms the example and thought process H grew up with. I know it won't change anything with H or our sitch, but maybe, hopefully it will give me some clarity and peace on "why" he is the way he is.

Very good advice, I will listen to her but not share.

Thank you Job, hope you are having a nice weekend

[DnJ]

Hello mleigh,

As I follow along with your sitch I feel for you. The cycling emotions all the time, the looking for answers, it is tough. You were the first person to comment on my sitch and show compassion and understanding of what I was going through. You and everyone else here has helped me tremendously, I am forever grateful. I do not have much advice, but I am here, I understand, and I care.

It is very interesting getting some answers and insights from when your h was young. That is indeed rare. I hope it brings some clarity.

[HaWho]

Mleigh - Just want to say I am thinking of you. It is hard with so much uncertainty. Your h has seemed emotionally disconnected for a long, long time.

Yes, it may give some explanation as to your h's behavior. I guess the human mind wants to make sense of things. As my IC has told me, people who have toxic childhoods make decisions as adults to heal and rebuild or they flounder. We all make choices as adults. It might help to explain it can't excuse it.

As for your MIL, wow. It is a wake up call they we all need to do that inner work now, heal and strengthen ourselves so that when we are her age we have some peace. She sounds like she is in the exact same place she was in (several times) decades ago.

Take care of you and your son. Continue to find daily joy and gratitude. We will get to the other side of this.

[mleigh4]

Hi DnJ, Thank you so much for your support. I continue to follow your thread and check in on you. You have some very experienced and wise people giving you advice, I am always so happy to see the support you are giving. I knew H family was messed up, but over the years it has become so much more clear. It's a shame only 1 out of his sibling group of 3 chose to break the cycle.

Hi HW, you are absolutely correct, there is no excuse for H behavior. He made his choices and will now live with them. I have always been a very curious person, always needing to know why, especially with people's behaviors. Isn't it just perfect I hooked up with a MLC'ER! Poor MIL is a mess, isn't she? I find it interesting for the first time she is on the other side of the fence. This time she was the one left, the one to be told she makes someone unhappy...I suppose that is why she comes to me for comfort as she knows I understand how she feels. It's pretty clear she is hurt, but she constantly labels her H a narcissist and blames him for this mess, not once have I heard her own up to a part in this. It's just all so sad.

H picked up S tonight. 50 degrees outside and he picked him up in his jeep with the top off. Says with the heater blasting, he will be fine. Then what's the point!?!? So Here I go running outside asking S if he wants his snow jacket! H looks at me like I'm crazy. I just don't get it!

Have a good night everyone