Bye bye limbo -- it's time for a change

[DnJ]

I am brand new here, and I do feel it is a great place.

What an empowering post. You are so levelheaded, rational, and well thought out. I know you`re going to do great.

[mleigh4]

Hello friends,

Bttrfly, Cali, Job, Dnj, thanks for the support and feedback.

I'm feeling a bit frustrated. I have backed off since Monday with H and D. I have not brought it up so he can have some time to let things sink in. In the meantime, here I am ready to go forward with this, and once again, letting poor sensitive H have some space to adjust. I don't remember getting this courtesy at and after BD?

I had to see him yesterday to pick up S and he was skittish, keeping up conversation and not allowing any silence for me to bring up anything. I wonder if he has done one single thing to look into things to ease his worries?

How much time should I give before bringing it up?? Should I just wait until after snow trip in 3 weeks? I worry if I keep pushing it he will react in anger.

My biggest concern remains our home. Him going from allowing us to stay in the home until S finishes HS (7 years) and him saying he just wants to make sure S and I are taken care of......to selling the house and no more money makes me uncomfortable. Quite a flip when faced with reality.

I looked into rents around here, it runs about $1000 more than what our home costs. Job you mentioned buying out H but that would add about $2000k to the current loan amount, which I can't pay on my own. However I say this without really knowing what I would get with child support and alimony, which I would fully go after if he forces us out.

He would be so much better off letting things lay as they are. I would be so much more willing to negotiate. Sadly people are filling his head with thoughts that will destroy our friendship and the calm we have established.

I understand his wanting his equity now, but he has a daddy with money who I am sure would loan him money until pay back when house sells.

Do I keep all these thoughts and ideas to myself or do I bring this up? Keep any and all discussions to mediation? What if he drags his feet with agreeing to mediation? I struggle with that.

I just keep telling myself, it will be ok. Last resort, I let this keep riding out to keep things stable for S and I. It's a scary thought to stay in this limbo for years longer but I am actually considering that.....

I'm confused by his reactions guys....and I hear Job saying, sit quietly and the answers will come. So here I am again doing just that.

Wishing you all a nice weekend and strength, for myself too!

M

[bttrfly]

{{{{{{mleigh}}}}}}}

In this stage of the game I fall back on the advice of our mediator: know what YOU want. You cannot negotiate with anyone unless you know what you want.

You want to stay in the house. Push for that. I wish we'd been able to do so. In my case I had to choose between son's school, the house, and the damage exh was willing to cause.

I wouldn't approach him. Let it all be done through mediation.

I'm not sure I would hold back, but you have to trust your instincts on that one. You know your stbx better than we do. Trust your gut.

Does this help?
xoxoxo

[mleigh4]

Yes that helps Bttrfly.

I want S and I to stay in our home for 7 more years. Not only for the sole purpose of keeping S in his schools, with his friends, but it's smarter financially for BOTH of us. H will be waiting on his equity, but otherwise would be paying and losing much more in the long run by pushing us out.

It would be a really dumb move on his part to push us out, but then we all know they are not in their smartest of minds these days!

Thank you sweetie and I have you in my prayers.

M

[OwnIt]

mleigh,

I've made a different choice than a lot of folks here. Don't know if that is because I am a lawyer, or my lawyer, whom I like and respect is adamant on this point, but I have not filed for divorce.

My status quo is good. My H is thus far supporting us. We are still in our house. After pushing me to sell it supposedly because of the expense (but really because he wanted us to move near him) he freaked out when we were going to move away and said not to sell. I didn't ultimately because of S's school. So we are still in the house.

My son is a 9th grader and is attending a very good school. Our area is very expensive. The house has skyrocketed in value. I plan to stay here until son graduates and then move, when I can go anywhere I want.

I have big custody concerns with my son. The status quo is good for us there too. He is leaving us alone and not subjecting S to his crazy life.

Once S graduates, we have only a financial division. We have already split our possessions. We have a post nup that gives us each our own retirement (I have significantly more than him). I'm not going to contest giving him half of the sale of the house, so the only remaining issue is alimony. I have my own income, so whatever happens with that happens, but I am in the best state in the country in a long-term marriage and should be well-protected.

I guess what I am saying is that every situation is different. Limbo s*ucks and I frequently spazz out about it. But I am learning. I am using the next 3 years or so (until I put the house on the market) to work on me, on my business (I'm self-employed), and to enjoy my kids.

Forge your own path. Do what works for you. Try to live a life without regret (hard I know). So far, I'm pretty good on that score though.

[mleigh4]

Hi ownit,

I appreciate hearing your story and status. It makes a lot of sense to me.

I came to this decision to divorce last year. Since bringing it up to H, thinking he would be all for it, I am starting to wonder if I poked a hornets nest. I too live in a very expensive area in the bay area, CA, and prices continue to surge. The thought of finding a new place to live terrifies me financially.

Life is good, S and I live in a beautiful home, S goes to a great school and is set to until graduation, I have money for fun and am still able to save, no issues with custody.....I just hate being married to H. Is that worth messing up all the above? I am rethinking that. In 7 years, I won't have the pressure of keeping us in our expensive neighborhood.

I guess once again I have the gift of time....but we will see what happens now that the hornets nest has been disturbed. I am feeling pretty confused so best not to take any further steps until I am sure what to do.

I am curious, are you holding off on divorce just until your son finishes school?

M

[OwnIt]

mleigh,

I'm just taking it day by day. I have no control over him or what he does. Whether he pays or doesn't, whether he files or doesn't. I'd like to at least make it until S is enrolled in college for legal reasons, but only time will tell if I do. After that, who knows. As long as the status quo is ok for us, I will press on.

I really am caring less every single day what he does or doesn't do. My kids are my gauge. Now things are good and I can live with that for today. I no longer feel the need to control the outcome or white knuckle my way through life. I'm accepting those curve balls better every day.

I am even beginning to focus on the good that has come out of this situation. In my situation I've found that it is there if I look hard enough.

[job]

I would have the mediator do the negotiating. Trying to negotiate w/a MLCer is trying to pin down a moving target. One day, they will give it all to you and the next day threaten to take it all away if you don't do what they want. Please don't put yourself in a twist over trying to negotiate w/him. He will change his mind many times before the D is finalized. May I ask....why do you feel the need to continue negotiating w/your h? All it is going to do is make him angry and he will feel like he's being pushed into a corner and will come out swinging. This behavior will do nothing but make you more confused and second guess your decisions. Stick with the mediator and allow him/her to do the dirty work for you.

As for living in the home, if you like the area and it is located where you can take your son to school, then go for it. You won't know if this is doable until the day you both are at the table negotiating. Also, have you given any consideration to buying him out of the equity in the home after the divorce? Check into this. You may be able to afford a loan and with his child support be able to stay right where you are. I wouldn't do anything about the home, i.e., sell it, refinance, etc., until after the divorce. I would make the home part of the divorce settlement.

BTW, my xh wanted me to auction off all of the furniture and either sell or pay him off before the divorce. I kept all of the furniture and I have all of his tools, ladders, etc. At the time the divorce was signed and stamped, I was given 90 days to refinance or sell the home. I refinanced at a cheaper rate and I paid him off. He was so desperate to divorce me that I even negotiated right there in the waiting area of the courtroom for $10,000 of his IRA account and got it. So, things can change right up to the last minute.

All MLCers see is $$$$ and wanting to run. Their empathy chips are broken and will not realize until many years down the road after a divorce as to what they have lost. Mine asked for things from my home 3 years after the divorce...what did I do? Told him to go to KMart and get what he needed. LOL!

When you are in doubt, do nothing.

[CaliGuy]

M

Have to just love this Cali cost of living eh??

Negotiating with an MLCr is much like a terrorist hostage situation. Seems most of what I have read and what I experienced is the MLCr will sacrifice the long term money for a short term gain. In my case she flipped the years we claim our son gaining probably 5-7k but let go of my 401k that I could not jump fast enough on.

I agree they get people in their heads ... but I suspect his threats are empty and in reaction to things now not going his way ... that whole applecart thing again ya know? I would just keep gathering information so you can go from there. Truth is I would have preferred the life I had, nice house in a great area and now I am going to a condo in an area I most likely would have not looked into but tbh I would not change it, these are my choices and its my new life and this is the direction I did not ask for but I will embrace it and be thankful for the lessons.

Hang in there, do the research so you are well armed with the information that will help you maneuver through this.

[mleigh4]

Hi Job. I can't afford to buy H out. We have way too much equity in our house, and prices continue to surge. When H and I talked before Christmas about the fact we should do something about our marriage, and I told him, all I want is S and I to stay in our home until he finishes high school, H fully agreed. That is when I decided divorce will be ok and I am ready. Now that he seems to be hesitating on that agreement, it's putting me right back into thinking do nothing and stay in our home. I still very much want to no longer be married to H, but if that means S and I are out of our home, that changes everything for me. With the cost of living here, I believe I would be worse off. It's not that I am negotiating with him, I am trying to establish his thoughts with the home to help me decide what I do. I will sacrifice anything for my son.

Cali, you bring a huge point in my thinking. The stories I have seen here with the D process and the MLC'ER makes me wonder, am I crazy to bring that on??? I forget sometimes that I am not dealing with a rational person. I truly thought after H and I discussed things so calmly and he was so caring, that this would be a no brainer smooth deal! Dumb dumb M! I too mostly think his threats are empty, but he gets in my head and installs that fear. Big bully. I am so proud of how you took your situation, dealt with it, and still made things work out for yourself. I am sure I will do the same. I will keep doing my research and wait for those answers.

I dropped off S to H tonight. He is back to sweet as pie. He even braved being alone with me for a few minutes! Looks like he has calmed down. My lips are sealed until after snow trip. I am going to sit quietly, gather info and give myself some space and time to think.

Hope you all have a good week.
M