Bye bye limbo -- it's time for a change

[bttrfly]

echoing what Sotto said M xoxoxoxo love you. stay strong and focused.

I feel like this should be your mantra:

You want to D, and maintain a reasonable relationship for your S's sake. You also want to achieve a fair division of marital assets and agree suitable financial arrangements going forwards.

good to get things checked out on the medical end! xoxoxo

[job]

Glad to read that your have made a medical appointment. If your body is giving off vibes that something isn't right...you are doing the right thing to get checked out.

I think you'll get some answers to your questions tomorrow. Make a list of questions/concerns and take it w/you.

As for the home...is it in both names or just his? He definitely made his choice to move out and live in the "cabin". He could have returned home at any time. As for any expenses you incur repairing, replacing of carpet, appliances, etc., the court may look at it as routine maintenance and since he's helping to pay half the mortgage, you may not be able to ask for reimbursement since you are paying half as well. But check this out and definitely keep your receipts.

As for custody, I think he will be in for a surprise about rights and payments. From what you've posted, he pretty much gets to see his son quite often and the judicial system may not change that...but they may change the child support to what it should be in your state...which could be higher then what he's paying.

As the proceedings become a reality for him, you may discover that he's not going to go along w/what is proposed by you or the legal eagles. He's not going to want to do any of the work and most of these crisis people kick and scream all the way to the final paperwork signing.

I know you are concerned about all of this...but you will need to stay calm, maintain a reasonable relationship w/him, but you also want to keep a level head about the division of assets. One last thing, do not have any more discussions w/him about the division of assets until it's time to negotiate these things w/others in the room. The more you discuss them w/him, the more time he has in his lonely cabin to think about things, the more he'll dig his heels in.

As for being scatterbrained, this is very typical behavior for crisis people. You are the rational one in this relationship at the moment.

[mleigh4]

Hi Coly, no doubt H wants things to stay as they are. He has been very content and this is upsetting his little world, but I don't think there is any thought of reconciliation in his mind, it's just convenience. This would go on for years more if I don't do something.

Sotto and Bttrfly, I love it. That is a perfect mantra and exactly what I want. I will put it on my phone and refer to it any time I feel unbalanced. What I meant about being with me every step of the way is, he will have to attend appointments and participate in the process. The paralegal said she could only talk to me.

Job, you are right, time to stop discussing things with him. It's becoming real for him and his tune is changing. Let me be clear, I get NO support from him. We bought the house together in 2002, both names on title and the loan. He has always paid 1/2 the mortgage and has continued to after moving out. As for S expenses, I charge them and we split the bill every month. All fair so far.

My point is I do have S more, therefore I am spending tons on grocerys. That kid eats like a horse! And I make his lunch for school most days. Daddy doesn't have what he likes, so he has me add to his lunches. It seems to me H should pitch in for this, in fact, according to the CA child support calculated, based on our incomes, H should be paying me $1000 a month. Now, not sure if that applies in our situation, but we will find that all out. We have been surviving fine, it's not something I will put up a stink about, it's just the principle.....

I want to D and maintain a reasonable relationship for S sake. I also want to achieve a fair division of marital assets and agree to suitable financial arrangements going forward.

I love it!! Xxoo

New day today, had a quiet night with lots of thinking and my mind feels clear. Keeping appointment tomorrow but not thinking it's going to work for us. I feel mediation is the way to go. I have a couple of contacts to call tomorrow.

Have a good Sunday
M

[LouR]

Hi mleigh,

I really identify with what you posted:

HW, I have to say, I don't feel like the 4 years were a waste. Maybe they were for H, but for me, It gave me and S time to adjust to living the divorced life. It also gave me the time to get grounded, stronger and more emotionally ready for the next steps. I can look back with no regrets, no what if's. H being stuck was a gift for me, he on the other hand seems a bit off balance by the current changes.

I also don't see the past (nearly) 4 years as a waste, it has given me time to adjust and my new life has now become my normal. We are told that time is our gift and at the time I did not understand that, but now I get it. I have changed for the better, I value myself these days which is something I never did before. I have learnt patience and how not to over react, or even react at all, these new skills and lessons I would not have gained had I not been through this experience.

Only my 2c but I I feel that your h has had this all his way, (whether he acknowledges it or not, as really I don't think he realizes that he is acting entitled) so when you mentioned d, he thought you would just agree to everything that he feels he is entitled to and that nothing would change, everything would stay the same as is it now. But what he didn't factor in is that you have changed, you are not the mleigh that he left, you are so much stronger and are acting from a clear head-space. You my friend are wise to the guilt trips your MLCer will pull on you to get his way, not so gullible these days .....he hasn't realized that .....yet .... I know you will get whats right and owing to you.

I hope your Dr can get to the bottom of your ailments, you are bound to be stressed during this time, hopefully its short lived symptoms and you feel better soon. Look after yourself through this time.

Lots of {{hugs}} to you

[HaWho]

I too hope your doctor can help with the issues you are having.

Just to clarify, when I stated that the last four years were a waste, I meant for your h not for you! He is still unwilling to grow and stretch. He complains about things that are well within his ability to improve and yet he just continues to play poor me.

I must say, as I go through the d process myself, don't underestimate the various tactics you will see. You don't divorce the same person you married.

Thinking of you.

[CaliGuy]

M M M mm M&M m

So catching up ... I feel like the ghost of Christmas future here in your sitch but wanted to toss my 2 pennies into the MLC-topic fountain

HW, I have to say, I don't feel like the 4 years were a waste. Maybe they were for H, but for me, It gave me and S time to adjust to living the divorced life. It also gave me the time to get grounded, stronger and more emotionally ready for the next steps. I can look back with no regrets, no what if's. H being stuck was a gift for me, he on the other hand seems a bit off balance by the current changes.

I too never felt like it was a waste, hard .. yes, asked for no, appreciated after it was all said and done .. absolutely. Like you I am not so sure I would have changed and become who I am without this ... we did the mirror work all while still standing for the marriage, at the end of the day I can look at myself knowing I did all I could do and at some point you have to let the rope grow in hopes the MLCr will get out of the muck they seem to be trapped in.

You spoke of that weight being lifted, that's exactly how I felt later in the day that the D was final. I seriously felt 20 lbs lighter and here almost 2 weeks later I am finding I am happier now than I can recall being ... limbo free is not a bad place.

As far as the courts .. yep they toss in the amount he makes, the amount you make the only thing subtracted is medical and it spits out the number, you .... him... lawyers have no control over this, it is what it is and its not something the courts will adjust typically.

Division of assets however totally different story, in my sitch she took most the assets as I wanted S10's home life relatively unchanged and I just was certain I would save the marriage, that was not the case but honestly the things left I had long since replaced or really cared little for ... as far as the lawyers were concerned I wanted a 50-50 division so that worked in my favor settlement wise.

The remark where it was his choice, its not blaming him its simply a truth dart he dislikes .. tough ... same with my ex, she had in her head what the post D life would be and sadly it just does not match reality. This will be the case for your H as now the financial reality will set in and its not what he thinks it will be so I would suspect a few bits of reactions from him which in your sitch throughout the years has been far and few between.

The one thing I was told which stuck with me in all this was when you do finally settle, understand its not going to be what you want, nor what he wants but somewhere in between .. just get to a place where you can accept the final settlement and I am here to tell you things seem to open up and the rain stops and you can feel the sun on your face knowing you did it all the right way with no 'what if's'. I left a good chunk of short term money on the table but secured my long term and that's about all I could hope for.

As always .. you rock and will get through this.

[mleigh4]

First off, I want to say this board and my friends here are by far the best therapy I have had throughout the last 4 years. The way I have been able to stay calm, clear and rational throughout the last few days is amazing based on who I was 4 years ago. Newbies, you are in a great place.

Lou! So great to hear from you! Sounds like you know my H very well! Reality is hitting, and he is panicking.

HW, thanks for the clarification, I thought that may have been what you meant. Lucky for us, their waste of time becomes a gift to us! I agree, H is far from the man I married.

Cali, thank you for sharing some of the CA divorce facts. All I know, is when I had a consult with a lawyer 3 years ago, she looked at the numbers and assured me I will be just fine. I am glad you feel happy with your settlement, I have a feeling mine may be similar.

So H has become like a wild animal backed into a corner. I let him know mediation sounds like a better way for us. He took that as I got some magical info to use against him, when in fact I find it more fair, but there goes the MLC paranoid mind. He asked to talk about splitting things on our own, I explained I think we need help with that and should only discuss things with a mediator. That set him off on a tangent again....He pays rent and mortgage, doesn't live in the house, doesn't have 50% custody, threatened me with that and selling the house....blah blah blah.

He blew up my phone while I was driving to drop of S. Without reading most of, I asked him when I got there, are you Ok? What is the matter and what set you off this time? Seems someone is feeding him info to protect himself and, from what it sounds like, talking him into not letting us stay in our home. I also think reality continues to sink in. He admitted it is scary and freaking him out.

Ha! Been there done that! How many times did I look into D, learn the facts, panic and put it off? Several times. Looks like H is living that fear now. Apparently in the last 4 years H has done no research on D and is now looking it square in the face.

I have to say, it's nice to see him go through what I did. In the meantime, I have way more knowledge of what to expect. As far as our home, I highly doubt he would force S out, but if he did, I have come up with so many options in my head to still keep S in his school with his friends, which is truly my only goal with the house. I am thinking calmly, clearly and without emotions getting in the way. I have all of you to thank for that.

I think I was able to calm down H tonight. It's his turn to do some research, get some facts, lose some sleep and have an upset stomach! The sad part is he really only sees how this is effecting himself. He even took a stab at my lower position at work that I chose to have more time for my family, and now he has to pay for that. I told him the fact he thinks a bigger paycheck is more important than being available for his son disgusts me. And I mean it, he disgusts me.

H brought every one of my fears to life. He went behind my back with my friend. He dropped me in 1 day, decided to no longer be married. He cut me out of his life, like I was nobody. He turned his back on me. He forced me and my son to be together part time. He caused so much emotional damage that has most certainly scarred me for life, and he is whining about what he is losing!? He continues to not realise he made this choice, and wants to treat me like I am doing this to him!? Like you said Lou, he is not dealing with the same Mleigh.

I have a rough road ahead, but I feel ready. Especially knowing you are all here for me.

Xxoo
M

[bttrfly]

{{{{{{{MLeigh}}}}}}}
Right now all I have is hugs. I'll be back later when I'm more awake and have something helpful to say xoxoxoxo love you!

[job]

Yep, he's reacting the same way that my xh did after I did what he wanted me to do...get a draft separation written up. I don't know what they expect us to do or what they think the legal system will or will not allow...but they really get smacked w/the hand of reality when it comes down to the separation of assets, custody, child/spousal support, etc. It's like they think that everything will continue as it has been and the only different is a piece of paper that states that they are divorced.

I think he is talking to someone at work or a friend and they are feeding him a line of BS. Maybe it's his mother chiming in when she needs to step aside and allow things to play out. Whoever is giving him advice isn't up on the laws. Sure he could force you to sell the home, but you could also refinance on your own and pay him off. That's what I did and I've never regretted that move.

I am going to say that your h is backed against the wall and never thought for one minute you would go through with a divorce. He knows that the last thread in the apron is getting snipped slowly but surely and he won't be able to come and go as he pleases in the home and the one thing...he knows that you will move on and possibly meet someone new.

In a way, I feel sorry for him. He's lived in La La Land for a few years and now...well, that little fantasy world is starting to crumble for him.

Continue as you have been and please try to avoid discussing the legalities of your situation w/him any more. It's creating more anxiety for him and he's going to come out swinging even more so. You don't need to hear it at this time. The place for that nonsense will be in an office w/a mediator and that mediator will be able to enlighten him w/what he can and can't do or get.

[CaliGuy]

Yep

That apple cart was knocked over, he has had things his way .... bachelor pad, his family still in the house where he left them where he can be involved when and if he wants and still have all that 'me' time to divulge into coloring in his cool coloring books.

I would imagine more outbursts from his as the reality and fear of the unknown begin to sink in, the train is leaving the station and he is just figuring that out.

I think like job said, he has been in LaLa land for so long this will come as quite a shock, seems the me me me chant is common as they realize the financials are not going to be what they are used to, mine too was all about the stuff and the checks and I was like you, more glad to be done with it but still a bit peeved I was losing time with my son for something out of my control. I have come to grips with this as I realized I am more involved and present in the time I have him than I was before BD, so its better to be 100% engaged 50% of the time than 25% engaged 100% of the time.

Hang in there and keep us posted ... you have this