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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2722295#Post2722295

Happy New Year friends, I hope you all survived the emotional roller coaster this time of year can bring.

My holidays had ups and downs, lots going on and not sure where to start. I will say that I am so grateful the holidays are over! I also am very ready for change in this new year and have taken the bull by the horns.

Let me start with a quick blip into the life of MIL. Not to gossip, but for a glimpse into someone H is very much like, and why relationships that start with affairs rarely last. For background, she had an EA while married to H dad, ended up divorcing him to be with OM. They have been married now about 20 years. For the last 10, they have grown apart. For the last couple of years, they live in separate bedrooms and live separate lives. She has voiced that she is very unhappy, but does not want to "deal with" another divorce. This would be number 3. So real quick, her birthday was in December, H and his sister's took her out to brunch. SIL did not invite her husband, she invited FIL instead as a surprise. She had a wonderful birthday brunch with her original family and took lots of pics. Current husband found out and was very hurt, is accusing her of having an affair with FIL. In fact, he has been accusing her of an affair for quite sometime. To make things worse, they got in a fight on Christmas, and where did she decide to spend the day? At FIL with her kids! Things blew up, she was blocking her bedroom door at night out of fear, and finally left to stay with a friend. Can you imagine going through this in your 70's?? It's a sad situation, but brought on by secrets, lack of communication, avoiding issues instead of facing them, and not owning up to her own choices and mistakes. She blames it all on her husband. This family is more dysfunctional than I ever knew.

On to my Christmas. On Christmas Eve, H, son and I spent time at MIL. I visited with both of H sisters, his nieces and nephews. They all welcomed me with warm hugs and I enjoyed seeing them since it is so rare. SIL shared how she was feeling about her mom's marriage drama and how much she disliked her husband and their situation. I don't think the kids ever fully healed from her affair and the divorce..... obviously. Around 7:00, S and I went home and H went to his home to wrap presents and come to my place after. He has done this the last 3 years so he can wake up with S on Christmas morning. He was sick this year but felt well enough to come over.

I fell asleep on the couch and woke up at 11:30, no word from H. I thought, with him being sick, he may have fell asleep, and probably should just stay home at this point since it was late and I really didn't want his germs in the house. I texted him that we were going to bed and locking up the house, and since he isn't feeling well, to just stay home and we will wait for him in the morning before doing any gifts. H took this in a very bad way! He texted and called, ripped me apart, called me passive aggressive, yelled that I was keeping him from his S...He sounded crazy. I had to hang up on him twice. It was all really out of character for him, so I did by best to blow it off. I got very little sleep and have never dreaded Christmas day like I did that night.

He showed up at 8 am looking and sounding like death. He gave me a dirty look and proceeded to bring in his gifts while S was still sleeping. I later found my stocking thrown aside, he replaced it with a 2nd stocking for S. We were able to be cordial and friendly for S sake, had breakfast, opened gifts, and got through the morning. I wasn't expecting much for gifts, but H did bring me a few. I would bet money he left some behind though! S and I got H some thoughtful gifts, and at the point of him opening a canvas pic I had done of H and S goofing around on our last snow trip, he looked a bit sheepish about his behavior. He said being sick has made him a bit grumpy. No kidding! H left about 11 that morning, I disinfected the house, and S and I enjoyed the rest of the day and night watching movies and relaxing. I told H to let us know if he needed anything.

I have not changed my mind about insisting on change, as I shared in my last post. I will not spend another year in limbo. I found myself these past few weeks wanting to move forward with my plans, but bit my lip until Christmas passed. A few days after, I approached H again about it. I asked him if he had thought any about what we talked about. He said, I guess we have to decide which method to use, paralegal or attorneys, he said it's up to me. He said it's up to what I want, that I can have whatever I want, he doesn't want to fight.

I told him, I want him to say he doesn't want this, but if he can't do that, then we need to move forward. He was quiet. I said ok, so can I give you some paperwork? Wait here. I ran upstairs and he yelled out at me, that I sure seem like I know what I want!! In a mad way. Does he make any sense!?!

So I had some handouts that I had pulled up, a step by step list of the steps of divorce. I gave it to him and said it will be helpful to know what to expect. We chatted a little more, him saying he wants me and S to stay in the house, he is open to child support and alimony. He said he just wants to make sure we are taken care of. I am thinking, is this coming from guilt or is he dying?? But kept my mouth shut. At one point, he asked me, do you really know what you want? I said yes, I have for the last 4 years. He looked exasperated, was quite, then looked at me and said, we just have too many differences. I said ok, that's fine, he feels what he feels, and I intend to be fair through this process.

New Years Eve was quiet. S and I celebrated at home, we did not hear from H the entire weekend. I saw him the day after and he was grey in color and looked about 60 years old, just horrible. Ends up he had an ear and sinus infection.

I took the last few days off while S is out of school. I have used the time to move forward on this. I almost feel like I can't make it happen fast enough, which is very different for me. Fear has been replaced by anticipation. I don't want to rush it though, and I want things handled right. So I have been doing tons of research and spoke with 2 paralegals. Since H and I are in agreement with no disputes, this should be the inexpensive way to go. They will calculate what each of us are entitled to and we can decide what we want. They will take care of all the paperwork, and if needed, we can have an attorney review before finalising. I provided H with all this info.

I also spoke to a CPA and was advised to file our taxes separately. Yippee!!! No more doing H taxes for him. It will actually benefit us both and I was kind enough to schedule an appt for both of us to have our taxes done, but then he is on his own! He thanked me and agreed to the appt, but he did ask me if maybe I could do the separate taxes myself? I told him no, having never done it where write offs are split, I want the CPA to do my taxes this year to make sure it's done right, but he can do his taxes however he wishes. He said he will keep the tax appt.

I'm not sure he knows what has hit him! Reality? The real world? It's all new for me too but my mindset is fully on breaking away from this situation and starting a new life beginning with continued healing and self exploration. I am taking the weight off my shoulders as much as I can, and although it all cost money, I look forward to others handling things for me.

Once in a while, I have asked myself, M, are you sure you are ready for this? You can always continue to do nothing, we know H won't do anything... and I immediately feel anxiety. There is no longer anything in me to drag this out anymore. I want more than anything to be free from this, free to move on. I will say, I'm not sure this is my answer to do that, but I do think it's a big start.

So that's my update. I feel a little melancholy but overall I am feeling ok. I am taking lots of time to have quiet time to think. I am walking a lot and eating well, making sure to take care of myself, even if I have to force it.

Bttrfly, HW and Job, my amazing friends, thank you for your concerns and support.

We have a snow trip in Feb. and H still plans on coming. I booked a beach house in April and am counting the days for that. My goal is to take one step at a time, decide which paralegal to use, keep the peace for S, and continue to take care of myself. 2018 will be my year for change and I feel good about it.

Hugs to everyone
M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Your strength is admirable. I have read so many times that you know when you are done, and it truly sounds like you are getting there.

As a lawyer, I'm a little intrigued (and concerned for you) with the potential for a paralegal completing paperwork that is not reviewed by an attorney. I am licensed in 4 states and a national tribunal. In none of those states would this arrangement be allowed.

My suggestion, although not something that was solicited, would be to hire a financial mediator since it sounds like this is largely a property matter at this point (although your son is young enough that if you guys are not in agreement on custody issues--time, dates, third party introductions, holidays, etc. it would behoove you to discuss those issues with an attorney).

Good luck to you with whatever you decide.

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mleigh4 Offline OP
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Hi ownit, thank you for stopping by. I was told by both paralegals that they work with attorneys who review the paperwork to make sure it's right. One of them has an attorney that H and I can see together to go over assets. I was told we also have the option to hire our own attorney to review. Custody will stay the same. H is allowing S and I to live in the house until he completes high school, then we go from there. I was told this can all be drawn up in the paperwork as long as we agree, and verbally so far we do. My understanding is that mediation is only needed if we don't agree on things. Does that sound about right?


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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In terms of general mediation, I am not a fan. If each side has the right lawyers you can get to the same place a lot cheaper without a mediator. I don't practice family law, but rather complex business disputes. A financial mediator just sits down and makes two columns. They assign time-values, etc. to the assets to make sure the parties are coming out as equal as possible.

I think if you have a straight-forward custody situation, which it sounds like, and there are not a lot of assets, and the spouse is reasonable, then your approach should be fine. If the spouse is disordered, or the custody is hairy (for example in my situation I have no problem with my D making her own decisions regarding seeing her father, meeting his friends, etc. but my S has some emotional issues that will make me fight to death to keep him away from H's home, friends, and family until after his 18th birthday), or there are significant assets, then you need more than what you are proposing.

Paralegals do not receive significant training, and unless the attorney overseeing them is actively engaged in the process and asking the right questions to ensure that the paralegal hasn't missed anything, then it can be a dangerous situation if there are any quirks to the case.

You know your situation and your spouse best. I am no fan of churning cash on any kind of case, but I do think working with a competent CPA and each of you having your own counsel (preferably ones that are trained collaboratively, though I wouldn't pay the costs associated with a collaborative divorce in a more straight-forward situation) can lead you to a fair, quick, and reasonable resolution. You might check the American College of Matrimonial Lawyers for someone in your area, or call your state bar and see if they offer a family law certification. What you want is someone who only does family law, isn't too recently out of school, isn't too old, and doesn't sell you on a senior partner overseeing a younger counsel (that's how you get billed to death while the junior usually handles the case).

Find a mid-range lawyer in a good, but not fancy firm, that takes a collaborative approach. My two best friends are divorce lawyers in different states. There are lots of these types of people in the practice area.

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Mleigh, you are so right about the emotional rollercoaster this time a year… I was trying to stay positive, but still had some sad moments… especially after seeing H again.

It seems like you are pretty sure about what you want. Enough is enough. I feel like I’m coming to the same conclusion… In a sense, our Hs are similar in terms of doing nothing to exit out of relationship completely. I feel like I am the one to make that final decision….

Mleigh, you deserve better than this. Being in limbo for so long with no signs of any movements from the other side is exhausting. And, being the optimist as I am, this is not the end of it. You are doing what is best for you, giving yourself a clean slate. Who knows what happens in the future. Your H might just have a rude awakening and become a changed man overnight… Yes… this is me being an incorrigible optimist again, LOL. It could be too late though…

Mleigh, you are amazing! This is not an easy process, I still dread it. Take care of yourself.

Last edited by job; 01/06/18 01:32 AM. Reason: added spaces between paragraphs

M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
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S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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I am so sorry about the drama that went on over the Christmas holidays. For some reason, some people tend to get very emotional this time of year and boy do they go off in various directions. Now, you have a clearer picture of what really happened to your h's family and why some of his actions reflect that time from long ago.

I think you are in a good place. You've had plenty of time to think about what you want for you and your son. You are doing this from a place of understanding as to what needs to take place and not from a place of anger...you are a strong woman and I know you will do whatever is necessary to ensure that your h is still in your son's life.

Do not be surprised if your h realizes at the last minute what all a divorce will mean. Some do tend to begin the awakening when the divorce happens or soon thereafter. I hope, for his sake, he gets his life together and find that illusive happiness he's been searching for. He's been stuck in limbo for a very long time and nothing has shaken him to move an inch forward. This just might do it...but if it does, it may have come too late...but who knows what will happen in the future...

The new year is going to bring many changes for you and your family...but I also think the next chapter of your life's book is waiting for you to write it and I can't wait to read the next chapter.

Mleigh, you've done all you can to save your marriage. It's time to focus on you and your son. It's time to focus on the present and hopefully, the future (down the road).


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Honey you are doing exactly the right thing for this time of year: going inward, reflecting, deciding what to keep and what no longer serves you.

You didn't come to this place quickly. You didn't want to be here at all. It's time to move forward.

xoxoxoxo
{{{{{MLeigh}}}}}


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Hi Mleigh, wow I'm sorry to read about your ups and downs this Xmas and that was a fascinating tale about MIL too. It is funny how FIL has become so much more appealing again as the years have passed. She may well wish that she never did what she did now.

As for moving forward with things, you sound peaceful and steady about what you want and I think that is fair enough. I have only ever known you to think carefully about things and try and operate from a place of kindness and integrity.

The main thing is to be at peace with how things are unfolding and your part in that and it sounds as though you very much are.

Xxx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Sorry to hear about some of the tough times you had this holiday season. But it also sounds like you're coming to a place of greater peace. You sound strong and very calm.

And with distance it must be very interesting to see all the family dynamics at work. Your MIL's life sounds exhausting. I can't help but think she is reaping what she has sown.

Thanks for posting as I think of you often.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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Mleigh just wanted to offer my support. I wish I had some sage advice but you sound like you are doing exactly what you need to do...for you.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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