Should i leave the house or stay?

[Neutral]

Thanks for the reminder... i keep forgetting that their empathy chips so to speak are indeed broken!

I feel awkward about it but at the same time i remember us always having a good time on vacations but that was the OLD her.

You know... now that i think about it, if she will keep doing what she does now, meaning sitting there texting OM CONSTANTLY then that really makes me feel invisible next to her and i am not sure i would enjoy that. I cannot however say that to her face because it would only escalate things and i am trying to be non-confrontational as much as i possibly can.

Also: Tonight i got back from a long walk with some buddies and as i was undressing and getting some stuff done she actually told me "you know, you always seem so cold and distant when you get back from your friends" I had to seriously suppress myself from either laughing out loud OR bursting out at her in a WTF manner! I mean... seriously?

Then again it goes back to what you said i guess with her empathy chip being broken. How can that be a thing though? My W was THE single most empathetic person i ever knew before MLC, how can she TOTALLY forget what that is like? To the point where even I notice it since she used to always tell me how UNempathetic i was...

[Neutral]

In a somewhat "lucid" moment she told me today that she is feeling bad about everything that is happening and that she knows that she is ruining our lives and that it is all her fault.

I just listened and didn't know what to say... She then said that she was constantly thinking and pondering about her family and friends and what they would say when we get divorced (they're pretty traditional) so that kinda put a damper on things on my end since i thought for a second there she had a "change of heart moment" when all she thinks about is what other people would think of her in this situation.

She IS confused, she said so herself just now but i feel that inside, she really sees no other choice but to go forward with D, she is only prolonging it because she is afraid of the consequences and implications (social, financial, comfort, our son etc.)

What a mess all this...

[peacetoday]

Neutral,

Hang in there
you may see a lot of getting close and pushing away
It is not your fault and you know you cant fix her

You can take this time to work on you so whichever way your W chooses, you will be ok

I know how much it hurts-but the pain will slowly fade
and you will land safely on your feet

I beleive the only way a MLCer can safely navigate their storm is with willingness to get help for themselves
they cant see they are the problem and eventhough your W has moments of clarity, Im notr sure she will address her issues when Its so much easier to run and play for a while
only time will tell-

watch her and do as you are.
watch the finances
get Legal advice to know your rights
know what is best for your son

take good care of you
be their for your son
get some IC
Do what is suggested here and you will be ok

[Neutral]

Thanks...

I believe i am more or less on track already with what is suggested (minus the couple times where i screw up of course but that happens to everyone once in a while)

The thing with with my son is very complicated actually.

She insists on keeping him, and legally there is very little (nothing basically) i can do to prevent her from doing so.

I WOULD be fine with her keeping him under normal circumstances, but as is, how can i trust her to be the mother he needs when she is this mentally unstable, almost manic-depressed and confused at times? I know i probably make this sound worse than it is in actuality since i am sure she would never endanger his actual well-being, she loves him to death. It is more subtle though, since he is very empathetic for his age and i know her depressive states WILL weigh down on him as well if her MLC won't pass or get better in time...

[Surv1ve]

I'm confused? Are you saying you have no power to put in a custody claim for your son? On what grounds?

[Gordie]

Neutral,

You need some good legal advice. We here don’t know your laws but certainly there must be some deference to you if your w is really off her rocker.

[Kyh]

Neutral,

I've caught up more on your thread and there were a couple things that stood out to me. Most of our situations here seem to at least contain similar elements, some even saying the same things verbatim. That said, reading your posts reminded me a lot of xw before bd. I had no idea about anything transpiring, MLC, nothing. During this time xw told me "I don't know what's wrong. Am I going crazy?" I reassured her no, I was clueless at the time. In hindsight I think this about when she decided to wade into the affair pool w/om. Also in hindsight, I started doing the wrong things shortly later as her crisis progressed. You got some really good advice about taking care of yourself right now, I don't think there is anything I could've done or said that would've helped. The only thing that did was taking care of myself and kids.

In regard to custody, I'm in a state that won't assign shared custody unless agreed upon by both parties and had to get a guardian attorney for custody recommendation. If there is no reason for you not to have your s don't roll over (trust me, being nice won't win her over, not saying not to be nice or civil but like so many say, treat it like business). Especially if you question your w's stability. I know my xw would never intentionally hurt the kids but she has. Her insanity was off the charts for awhile. I literally couldn't trust her to go to the grocery store. Do you think your w could get worse? I wouldn't agree to anything. Also, if you were to get custody you can always make it right. I did 50/50 after the recommendation was in my favor. I'm not saying that's right for everyone, but give yourself and your s what you deserve.

[Neutral]

About the custody thing... shared custody in NOT supported by law, unless you of course agree to it BUT in practical terms that really is not what you want. The kid needs to have a place he knows he belongs to (a fixed address etc.)

So that means it's gotta be either my W or I then. The thing is though that in as much as 99% of the case where custody is disputed, the courts WILL rule in favor of the mother because we have a pretty traditional court system where this subject matter is concerned.

In other words, if we fight over it, i WILL lose unless i can somehow prove that she is COMPLETELY inept (say she were a junkie and i could prove it or other extreme cases) which is definitely NOT the case at ALL at this point and it is not what i want!!

I want our son to have a good relationship to his mother as well as to me and i believe she knows this and thinks the same so we should be able to find some kind of agreement i hope.


On an unrelated note... I truly hope she will make it through this thing someday because even if our love may be lost forever, i want to be able to talk to the sensible, good person that i KNOW is in there again some day and hopefully she will understand why i did what i did to survive, because right now i can see her somehow "reaching out" to me pretty often but it's fast lived and shallow, she is not ready for anything serious by a LONG shot (i believe you guys call it not "baked" and who knows whether she ever will be again...

[Neutral]

Update:

So the last couple days she's been somewhat relaxed, though still absorbed by her smartphone constantly and texting someone (OM?) all the time... BUT she also tried several times to make physical contact like trying to hug me and today while doing so she even asked "is that ok if i do that?" and i really kinda freaked out...

Does she hug me as a FRIEND or what? I really can't tell if there is more behind it than that... so i said "as long as you're just giving me a hug sure..." it was really awkward, then she said "now you're confusing me??" and then we kinda left it at that and she went to do other things...

UGH i have no clue how i am supposed to react, i mean... i have put up my emotional wall and i am not ready for these things, it DOES feel good to be hugged by her yes, but we are not ready for anything more.

[job]

Neutral,

Did you read all of the homework that was in the posting that Cadet created on the very first page of this thread? If you didn't, you may want to go back, scroll down to the last link and read it. It might help you become stronger and more detached.