Sounds like her father's illness may have been a "starting" trigger for her. She saw her father in a different light when he was sick.
As for her changing her mind about the divorce...not surprised. She doesn't want to spend the money on a piece of paper when she can continue to live as she is at the moment and that you will go along w/it because of the $$$ to get a divorce.
You do not know whether she'll get through her crisis or stay stuck, so the word "never" is a bit premature because none us know what the future will hold for her.
Please take some time to digest the info you received. Do not make any decisions while you are upset and/or angry. Usually those decisions will come back to bite you. You want to make decisions when you are calmer and have investigated all angles as to what you need to do. You have a decision to make: 1) stay in the home and live w/her and her behavior 24/7 or 2) find a new place to live which will provide you w/peace and a place where you can go to think and begin moving forward w/your life. However, before you do anything, please consult w/a lawyer to see what your rights are. You do not want to be labeled as "abandoning your home and family". Be sure to take care of your checking/savings and credit card accounts, i.e., remove her name from them. If she is in crisis, she will begin spending more money and not care whether you and your child have everything you need. If you must support her financially, set up a separate account and have funds put in electronically so that you have a record of the deposits being made. Some of these crisis people will swear you didn't give them the money, i.e., their memories become mush the longer they go on. You need to protect yourself financially. Seeing a lawyer will help you in setting up a visitation schedule w/your child, as well as to advise you of what you will need to provide in the way of support funds...again, it's important that this financial arrangement be documented.
It sounds like you are thinking of cutting your losses, i.e., thinking about pushing for the divorce. I sincerely hope that you will take some time to think about this and do it w/a calm and clear head and not from a place of anger, disgust or from the pain it has caused you. However, whatever you decide to do, we will support you.
Neutral - you may want to pop over and visit Gordie's thread. This song seem awful familiar.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Also: Thanks for the advice job, i really need to be careful not to let myself get swept up in her whirlwind of decisionmaking right now.
Is it normal for MLCers to completely change stances within HOURS? I mean... this morning we were fighting like hell (i know i shouldn't give in to it but i was stuck with her in the car on the ride home and she kept provoking me duh) with back and forth allegations but then tonight she calmed down, even gave me that look (puppy eyes that are asking "what are we doing here? This isn't what i want) and then later she flat out came to me and said she hasn't felt this optimistic about OUR future in a long time, and that these divorce discussions have somehow lifted a great pressure of her. Not sure in what sense exactly?
Either way, i stayed calm and cautiously optimistic, i am not falling for it though this time, but let me tell you it's hard as hell to resist getting your hopes up again.
Before we talked i had the usual "hole in the stomach" because i was thinking about the whole situation and felt down, now just like magic i feel reassured and better.
My body is playing tricks on me and i need to master these emotions or i will never be whole again.
As for her coming forward to me like that, should i encourage behaviors like these or is it better to keep ignoring her even in those times?
You may want to read some of his older ones and also browse around the others in the MLC forum. There are also some interesting points of view in anything written by Jack_Three_Beans who was a bit of a legend here and was a very dear supporter of me on my own journey.
I don't know about you, but for me some of the best ways I had to understand my own journey was to watch others and to encourage them on their threads. Don't be shy of the neighbours. We don't bite.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Yes, if there is anything normal with MLC it's confusion. In the beginning my h swung around like a pendulum. I started researching brain tumors and somehow stumbled on MLC. Anyway, she may even say the most outlandish things and then not even remember what she has said. This is why we say don't believe anything they say and only 50% of what you see.
As for encouraging her to talk, sure, you can do that so long as you can just listen, not try to reason with her and take everything she says with an iceberg sized grain of salt. She will be bouncing for quite some time as she tries to figure things out. Whatever she says is just a flash of what she's thinking in that moment. It's very similar to talking with a teenager.
Anchor yourself though because if you focus on her you'll bounce right along with her. Focus on you and your family. Welcome to a supportive group.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
The thing is though, i feel almost like I should be the one to drive separation/D forward now since she doesn't seem to be able to make up her mind and I on the other hand have gathered that we are only delaying the inevitable in the sense that she has to go through that long tunnel by herself anyways and that us staying together in our house will not enable her to change as quickly as she could if that makes sense?
I mean, wouldn't it just speed up the process of her living her new life, figuring out who she is and what she wants out of life if she moved out instead of moping around here with me for god knows how long to then very likely end up in the same play ANYWAY?
Just throwing thoughts around here really as i am trying to figure out MY next move!
This would enable HER to move on/grow into a different person AND myself right? It's gonna be painful for our son no matter what so maybe THIS would be the best course of action? I'll think about suggesting to her to sell the house (even if she is attached to the idea of staying here with our son) so she can start over somewhere else (with our son) That way at least, my son won't see me as the ONLY changing factor (aka the bad guy that left the family in his eyes).
When you aren't sure what to do....then do nothing at this time. Sit quietly and the answers will be revealed to you.
I have a question for you and I want you to sit on it and really mull it over before answering it. I want you to be as honest as you possible can. What do you want? I know you would like to have your original wife back, but that's not going to happen any time soon, so what would be next on your list of "things to do and want for your life".
Let me be perfectly clear here, she's going to move along the path and heal in her own time. You can't force the issue and you certainly don't want to rush it either. She is operating on "slow" and slow it will be. You do not want to rush her and she not be healed and come back and do this again. The next time around won't be easy, in fact it is usually far worse. So, if you are thinking that a divorce will help rush the process...it may not.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
To be honest, want i want the most right now is to find a new form of stability in my life. One that does NOT depend on my wife, h@ll not anyone but on ME alone. I want to become my own man, independent and strong, that is my goal and perhaps i am starting to see the upside in all of this. Without her MLC life would probably have continued to unfold in much the same manner as before which would never have prompted me to attempt change and strive for self-improvement!
As for the D, i think we will go back to our pre-marriage financal arrangement where everyone has their own goods and that's that so only the house is split even between us. Means even if we opt for D later it shouldn't be AS big a deal (at least financially) This takes pressure off her, she even confirmed it herself and i am fine with that too.
Then i guess we will keep living here for a while and be in "Limbo" for now. Time will tell what comes next.
You are right though, i need to be patient, i caught myself being almost TOO eager now to move things forward and was even somewhat "ok" with the idea of being on my own now but i suppose that might as well have been a facade i drew for myself so i could survive/stand the thought of being alone comfortably, not sure.
Last edited by job; 01/07/1807:25 AM. Reason: edited a word
Today she told me again that i still mean a lot to her but that she just cannot see past that one incident which she now clearly defines as her "breaking point" where she could no longer hold it together.
To reiterate: Last year was an afwul year which brought me to my emotional, physical and mental limits and i was close or at a nervous breakdown because of the whole business situation (which is a story for another time really) but the short version is, i have indeed made grave mistakes and in one incident where i was so desperate for help i asked HER to handle the situation since i knew she could turn the tide with a certain situation that needed defusing. I was just at the end of my wits and desperate and asked her to help. The thing that she is rightfully accusing me of is that i should NEVER have asked her to help with my problems (which she never WANTED to be a part of) in the way that i did. I actually somewhat "pressured" her into helping by pulling the "family card" meaning i said that if we cannot resolve this situation our family will be impacted negatively as well (on emotional and financial planes) which prompted her to intervene.
I wish i could go back and undo this, i really do. By doing that i not only failed to protect my family but i gave up my "mancard" as well without realizing it and empowering HER so she felt even more that SHE was the one having to take charge of our marriage and me and everything, which is a ticking time bomb in itself.
So yeah basically she now uses this event to justify that she will not EVER be able to get with me again since all she sees is that one situation when she looks at me.
Traumatic for both of us to be sure, but i cannot help but feel that this one situation could not undo the good years that were there before...
