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Hey all,

I have been lurking here for a while but anxiously awaited my registration so i could post because... i need help, badly frown

I will try to only post the most important bits otherwise we will end up with a wall of text that may not get me anywhere (besides journaling)

My wife and I have been together for 16 years now, married for 5. We only married because we bought the house together back then to facilitate things though, but that's not the point. After facing an extremely difficult time last year with the sickness of my mother (which we took into our house), the death of my mother 2 months ago, the death of her father 4 months back and most of all the trouble with getting rid of a business, i can say that this was the most stressful, damaging year of our lives.

a couple months back she started talking about how getting married might have been a mistake and how she felt constrained by it in some form. These feelings kept getting stronger and it wasn't long until she was openly discussing divorce. We are now at a point where every 2nd day or so she CLEARY wants to get divorced. The thing is, the day after usually, she is like a different person (almost schizophrenic like) and comes to me in an extremely vulnerable state where she states that Divorce is not what she wants and that she is confused.

Before you ask, yes, she also exhibits all the classical signs of an MLC, she spontaneously grew a new circle of friends that is only for her, she took up gym classes, takes care of her appearance WAY more than before, stays out late until the morning etc. so yes I AM pretty sure she is experiencing an MLC after i have read an extensive amount of literature on the subject. (i also browsed a lot of threads on here so i kind of already know a bit on the main guidelines on how to react as the LBS).

Long story short:

When she just now told me CLEARLY that she no longer wants to be with me, and even started discussing terms of the D, what am i supposed to do now?

I am conflicted between moving out myself (which she already suggested a few times since SHE wants to keep the house)and insisting on staying. I should also mention we have a 4 year old son which of course infinitely complicates the matter. She also wants to keep our son in a D.

The thing is, if i insist on staying i will only put more pressure on her and that is one of the main things i should not do in this situation. Then again, if i agree to move out, which would probably take the pressure of her, would i not be seen by my son as the parent that left him later on in life?

I am so afraid that when i move out it will be definitive and that i am damaging our son in an irreparable way, since i know how it feels when your father is gone all of a sudden (my dad died when i was a kid).

In addition i feel that i am kind of "betraying" the other "side" of her which a couple days ago came to me at night (sleeping in another room after a big Divorce discussion) and told me that she was afraid of destroying everything we have built and that she needed ME to protect us (i assume our family) from herself.

That is the thing, is it really normal for an MLCer to come across as two entirely separate personalities in a matter of 2 days? If so, which one to believe/support?

My head (and heart) is spinning honestly and i don't know what to do anymore frown

Any and all feedback would be tremendously appreciated!!!

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Welcome to the MLC Forum. I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome thread w/lots of homework, so read and ask questions as they come along.

Welcome to the MLC Forum. You will meet people who are at various stages of dealing w/the fallout of their spouses being MIA. I am going to post below, Cadet's Welcome Posting. Please read the links and then come back and ask questions, if you should have any.

Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296

Things you should know as the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701017#Post2701017

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

WAS showing you positive signs? WAIT - READ THIS!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2772942#Post2772942

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
_________________________
Me-63, D30,S29


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Neutral - Welcome to the last place you would ever want to be.

While it may not feel like anything is "normal" as you've probably read in other people's stories there seems to be some common themes.

Yes - bouncing around and acting like different people is pretty common and they bounce around the depression and other emotions going through their heads.

One key thing is that you need to make sure you protect yourself and your little boy. People in MLC tend to be unreliable in all sorts of ways including responsibilities and money.

One thing job says over and over again (sometimes I even listened) is that we didn't break them, so we can't fix them.

You are probably in for a bit of a bumpy ride as she tries to figure out what she wants for her future and her life. The lighthouse story in the Newcomer's greetings is a favourite of mine.

I'm sure others will be by shortly with questions and suggestions.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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Welcome to the club. You were together a long time before being married. What does marriage and divorce mean to you and her?

Re moving out, yes with a kid it makes things much more complicated. Don’t do it emotionally or spur of the moment or without consulting a L. Yes, she wants the house and kid but D doesn’t work that way. You both get to say what you want and usually divide everything in half, including custody of the kid. My stbx wanted the house and kids. She is paying me for my half of the house and we are splitting kids 50-50.

Your w says she wants a D but has she done anything about it? People talk about D for years...but follow actions, not words.

If you don’t want to abandon your son, then don’t abandon your son. Figure out what you want—this will take time.

Great D B advice I got from the coach is not to fight or resist what she says. Meaning when she says “I want a D” you can say “I don’t want a D but I won’t stand in your way if that’s what you want”. That defuses the situation and take the pressure off of her and gives time and space for both of you. If she starts badgering you on D logistics you can say “I’m not an expert on D so want to consult with a L before rushing into any decisions.” This gives you space and time to make informed decisions.

Warning: if she is going out all night and insisting on a D...highly likely there is an OM in the picture. What do you know or suspect?


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Take your time, move slowly, and don't take any steps like moving out until you know what you are doing and why. Don't be pressured into any moves that you do not want to make.

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Take your time, move slowly, and don't take any steps like moving out until you know what you are doing and why. Don't be pressured into any moves that you do not want to make.

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Thanks for the replies guys...

I should probably mention the fact that i live in a EU country where Divorce law works in a way that only allows custody for children to ONE parent only, while the other is relegated to seeing their child 2 days every 2 weeks. This is LEGALLY speaking of course, you can always make arrangements like 50/50 of course but that is of your own consent. If the custodian does no longer agree you are pretty much out of luck on that one frown

Another fact here is that apparently more than 90% of the time the mother gets the child unless they are extremely abusive etc. which is not the case.

In fact, i believe that my (still) wife is a wonderful mother under NORMAL circumstances. I have been trying to reason with her and explain to her that if she were "stable" and not in an MLC it would probably even be best for our son to live with her if i HAD to make a choice since she was always the one i trusted to make the best choices for him when it came down to it.

Of course that triggered her and while she was sort of on board with knowingly being in an MLC (h@ll she even suggested it herself 6 months back or so) she now denied it and said she no longer believes she is having a MLC but that this is what she truly wanted all along (divorce) and to go against what societal norms and expectations as well as her mother (traditional christian) have always expected of her, in order to save herself.

Suffice to say, i have tried to send her information about what an MLC is in hopes of her trying to better understand what sort of situation she and our family are in right now but yeah... it'll probably backfire lol frown

I gotta say though, she was very convincing tonight. She even convinced ME that D is the right thing to do for her now. It is not what i WANT but i now feel that by trying to stall her and to buy time and trying to convince her of other options like counseling and whatnot, i am only delaying the inevitable. She will no longer be happy like this and she is feeling SO much pressure from this situation (i have to mention that she gets bouts of depression as well with this but that is not uncommon i heard) that i feel it truly may be best if i went along with the D just to show her that i truly do not want to stand in her way of happiness even if it has to be without me.

Tomorrow we have an appointment with a notary in order to assess our common finances and to gauge what a D would/will (ugh) cost each of us.

To be frank though, i have made my share of mistakes and i now see there is a LOT of truth to what she is telling me. I was not a good husband and i should have done MANY things differently. I did not protect her and care for her enough and wrongly assumed she was strong enough to bear my problems and shortcomings.

However, i still believe that the deciding factor in her pushing for D as intensely as she does now is the MLC and not the fact that i (rightfully) need to become a better man myself.

As for an OM, well she IS seeing a guy that she goes to the gym with quite a lot but according to her he is gay so.. make of that what you will lol. Even if it is a lie and she is cheating on me, it doesn't even matter at this point does it? We are going straight for divorce and i can't even fault her for it, when i am being honest... It still destroys me inside and makes me cry every time i think about it.


Last edited by job; 01/04/18 10:34 AM. Reason: edited a word
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Neutral,

First, if your wife is in MLC, you are aware that MLC's number one ingredient is depression? It's about childhood issues and they were stunted emotionally at a young age. She needs to go back to that age, revisit it and realize that she was not at fault for the way she was treated and hopefully, then begin to grow up.

Second, please stop trying to rationalize w/her and tell her that she's in MLC. MLCers do not want to hear or be diagnosed w/health issues. You can't rationalize w/a person who isn't being rationale, i.e., operating on pure emotions. You can't reason w/them, so keep your thoughts to yourself about her being in MLC. Stop sending her info about MLC and whatever you do, DO NOT SHARE what you learn here or provide her w/the address of this site. This site is for you and you alone.

Third, the person you knew is gone. She is now the mirror image of that person you knew, i.e., the opposite. She's going to do things that are the exact opposite of what you would expect of her.

If something isn't working, which clearly your conversations w/her of recent days, then stop bringing up relationship and MLC talks. Stick to general subjects, i.e., such as your child...keep the conversations very neutral.

No marriage is perfect and we all have made mistakes, but that doesn't mean that she couldn't have come and talked to you about what she was thinking long before the crisis hit. It's not your place to make her happy. Happiness comes from within and the only person that you can help is yourself and your children.

I have one question for you...what happened about 18-24 months ago? Did someone pass away, she lose/gain employment, health issues for her? Something triggered the onset of her crisis and just so you know, she has 18-24 months head start on you for detaching from you and the relationship.

Please read the homework that I left for you. Visit other threads and you'll soon discover that much of what your wife is saying and doing is very typical of someone in crisis. Educate yourself on depression...that will help you better understand some of what she's saying and/or doing.

Bottom line...keep your expectations of her to zero, focus on yourself and your family and dig very, very deep for patience because she is going to try your patience. This is not a sprint, but a marathon...are you up for it or are you ready to cut your losses?


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thanks for the reply job...

I am of the firm belief that things are never black and white but always a combination of several things (shades of grey), so in this case i do believe she is exhibiting clear signs of an MLC BUT i am also starting to see all the things i did wrong during our time together. The thing is, she DID come forward and tell me some of these things through signs, indications, h@ll her depressive states for years WERE signs of this crisis waiting to happen, only i brushed it off all too easily, ignorant of what was to come and how she was suffering.

I now see that i had this coming all along. That is not to say that she doesn't have her own issues to deal with of course, but all this doesn't change the fact that we have to deal with this situation now in our own ways.

18-24 months ago you say? Honestly i can't think of anything out of the ordinary around THAT specific timeframe... Her dad was sick and got worse during that time with a deadly illness but then he has been diagnosed 2 years prior already and only recently died 4 months ago and i doubt that was it. The worst time of our lives only started to happen a year ago when i had to take over a business and brought all the negative stress into our home (in addition to my sick mother) which poisoned the atmosphere constantly and made things almost unbearable.

What do you mean by cut my losses though? It's all so hard to manage and figure out at this point for me.

On the one hand i WANT to change and become a better person so that maybe one day she will see that and then realize we may have a future together as renewed personalities but that hope is incredibly slim.

On the other i am starting to see a life on my own now because i HAVE to face the reality that she is gone and will never come back.

Cling on to that last straw of hope or live free or is there a middle ground?

Not to speak of all the implications for our son and the financial troubles ahead which will further poison our relationship since neither of us really wants to gout of D screwed over financially.

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Ok, this is driving me nuts.

We just got back from the notary and guess what?

After she realized that she cannot afford the divorce or rather that the situation afterwards would not be feasible for her (that she can keep the house basically) she was a mess emotionally and told me during the ride back home that she now no longer wants a D.

This SHOULD sound like good news to me but honestly it's probably the worst thing that could have happened here.

She said she now wants to stay and we'll try to get along somehow but that she will from now on have to worry about her own happiness and put her needs first.

That in itself does not sound all that bad right? Problem is the way she said it STRONGLY implied to me that she indeed means an OM. She is now constantly texting on her phone and yeah... i can do the math i guess. It doesn't matter though, or at least it shouldn't matter to me at this point.

I am now SO confused and dumbfounded though with what to DO with this situation?

I feel like i'd rather be the one to push for D now in spite of everything since i don't think i could accept her living like that "officially" from now on.

Before it was sort of an unspoken "agreement" between us that she now has a new extravagant lifestyle in order to find herself anew and i could see myself coming to terms with that even.

But to make it official and basically tell me that she will now go and live her life (and probably her affair) apart from me but still live with me in our house does not sit right with me no matter how i look at it???

Enlighten me please frown (aka any feedback is greatly appreciated lol)

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